Growing Pains
 

With active addiction out of my daily life I have gained new insight. I realize my AXBF has held a firm presence in my life regardless of his physical presence. It is as if I have been loyal to a ghost. I let go of the relationship, yet have held on to the idea that I attached to him. Neither truly letting go or moving on.

I am on a hiatus from being active in self-improvement stuff, or maybe it has taken on a new form. I needed a break from introspection overload. I decided I just wanted to live my life instead of analyzing it to death, of which I have a knack for doing and enjoy it to a fault.

I can hear a few of you already saying, "so how's that working out for you?' Well. I just had a dream about a volcano that was spewing ash and smoke off in the distance and had the feeling it was headed straight for me. In the dream I was holding the hand of my AXBF with a needle full of heroin in my other hand. In my dream, I asked him if I should use it. Hmm? Anyone have dream interpretation skills?

You're leaving your fate in his hands and you're about to get burned very badly for it.

Oh wow, thanks for that interpretation Chino.

It sounds like you are afraid to get out there and live life, a part of you may be comforted by all the time spent fixing yourself because its a way to justify putting life, other relationships on hold. Maybe you feel uneasy like life is a volcano and your wanting to run back to the past. Not necessarily to him, maybe to the safety of the pain you once felt. You got to know that pain, but you dont know what lies ahead.

PM me soon.

ZoSo

Touche.

You were talking with your addiction.

I didn't think about it like that- like a subconscious warning.

he is still your drug of choice.

You guys are good at this ;)

Anvil beat me to it.

And that is precisely what "anvils" do. Sometimes we all need to hear the inconvenient truth. I know I do. No more cataclysmic dreams to report. That's progress!

Just to add to the list of crazy dreams... 3 nights ago I dreamt that my house was burglarized and I came home to an empty house. Then last night I dreamt that I was getting ready for my next overseas trip and I was not ready, everything was a mess, and I missed my flight because I kept packing, unpacking, and repacking. My subconscious is really doing a number on me. So volcanoes, tidal waves, house burglaries, and missed flights?

yes. he is your drug of choice, I would go so far as to say maybe even your HP

>>>So volcanoes, tidal waves, house burglaries, and missed flights<<<<<

---if you threw in a 2 headed Llama, this would be easy..........but........ no.

(NOT making light....it's just my nature. I think the INTENSITY of dreams has
meaning......how energetically the neural net is attempting to realign itself....)

The obvious common thread is things that you have absolutely no control over.
But I find the missed flights one puzzling. Don't they just radio the plane midflight
so that it can turn around and pick you up? I mean, what if there was traffic or
you woke up late or your car wouldn't start?

Yikes! DOC? HP? Now what?

Yep, intensity and things that are out of my control. And 2 headed llamas of course.

House: You feel that much has been stolen from you and you're empty.

Flight: You're not able to leave where you are and arrive at your destination (rise above your current circumstances), because you can't/won't make up your mind about what you want (packing).

I've been having really intensive dreams lately, and I think it's because work has been really difficult. I think it is your mind's way of processing. Maybe you are just now at a silent point in your life when you can start to process?

my AXBF has held a firm presence in my life regardless of his physical presence. It is as if I have been loyal to a ghost. I let go of the relationship, yet have held on to the idea that I attached to him. Neither truly letting go or moving on...

I just wanted to live my life instead of analyzing it to death...

I just had a dream about a volcano that was spewing ash and smoke off in the distance and had the feeling it was headed straight for me. In the dream I was holding the hand of my AXBF with a needle full of heroin in my other hand. In my dream, I asked him if I should use it...

3 nights ago I dreamt that my house was burglarized and I came home to an empty house...

Then last night I dreamt that I was getting ready for my next overseas trip and I was not ready, everything was a mess, and I missed my flight because I kept packing, unpacking, and repacking...

These are quite the dreams!

Here's my guess.

Feeling like you are living with a ghost, and feeling like you have let the physical presence of your XABF go but not your emotional connection, is like trying to swim forward without untangling yourself from the tentacles of your attachment to him. It's like being hugged by an octopus and wanting to get away. You just don't get very far.

While you may consciously feel that you just want to live life without introspection and analyzing it, your subconscious just isn't agreeing. That's what the messy house, and the packing, unpacking and repacking is about. There are issues there that you are internally worrying over without resolving any of them. If they were resolved, you could pack your bag and make your flight.

The volcano, tidal waves, these are compelling natural forces that disrupt and overwhelm the normal details of life and cannot be ignored. To me, the violence of these kind of events seem like an internal signal of how important you believe it is to pay attention to the radical changes that are sweeping over your life.

Your holding your XABF's hand, while asking him if you should shoot the heroin you hold in your other hand, suggests that you know that what he tells you will be unhealthy for you - that is the smoke and ash and devastation of the volcano coming directly your way. Still, you haven't reclaimed your right to your own destiny and are entranced by submitting yourself to the power of your addiction to him. Your attachment to him is dangerous and you know that and yet you haven't rejected your temptation and still keep yourself at potential risk.

And the empty house after the burglary is a recognition of how much you have lost, of how much your relationship with your XABF stole from your inner self.

Just guesses, take what you want and leave the rest. When I've had such powerful, violent and prognostic dreams, I've found that talking with a therapist is very useful. I'd guess that you are very close to a breakthrough of insight, perhaps one that you don't really want, but is impending anyway.

I've dreaded having to process what is behind dreams like that, in a similar way to dreading knowing you are going to have to throw up, even as you realize you will feel better once you have and are free of all that junk.

ShootingStar1