katie44

I haven't posted in a while, AS has been living at our house since last February part of his bail condition. Too make a long story short we would not have posted his bail unless he was doing well before that. This past year with him has been a roller coaster. He had a girlfriend that made an allegation that he punched her. He swears he didn't ?This was the reason for the court order and for the two of them to stay away from each other. For an entire year there has been emails from her, phone calls, letters, drive by's at our residence, fb messages the list goes on. We have changed our phone number, called the police, changed email addresses. The police don't care because she is the victim. Had he have had any contact with her it would be an automatic breach and he would go to jail. Too be exact 1800 messages from her. To say the least she has some problems. As does he.We went to court last week, it was a matter of who was telling the truth. AS has a criminal record from the past no assaults. Too make matters worse the judge saw him as not credible ( wich is understandable ). The 1800 emails from her he saw as " a women in love".
He was found guilty to be sentenced April 2. The crown attorney is asking for a year or more. I feel sick to my stomach over this.I cant sleep, and I cant feel how the past 10 years has caught up with him. Prior to this incident he was clean , attending meetings, & working. I do not condone physical violence at all and if I felt he did this we would never have put his bail up. He has been to jail once for 3 months. I am at the end of my rope, I cant let this destroy me. I cant help feeling angry towards him though. The two were living together and for 4 months he was planning on moving out. All I can think is " look at your life" when is the chaos ever going to stop." On top of everything else our business is doing terrible, looking at bankruptcy. Just have really had enough.

Txhelp

This is out of your hands....all of it! Once he is involved in the legal system it's their ball game. He is a grown man is chosing his life...you know this (as I do with my son) but sometimes our reality S.cks!

It hard to not let things crumble around us...our emotional energy is spent on something that we cannot do a thing about. My business has suffered as well. I am just now feeling better after setting a boundary of my children not being allowed to live with me.

I have to say that living with your adult children, in the best of circumstances in challenging. Both of mind are substance abusers....a walk in the park right!

You sound so spent. What does his sentence look like? If he is given a choice for probation...I would suggest a sober living home to get him out of the house. It really is a good option. But situations are different.

katie44

Thank you for your reply. Your right challenging having your adult children live with us. Ive had enough this year, he claims to be in recovery. His choice of drug was crack. Since he has been in our home he has had a few slips with alcohol. Although he is in denial, and claims he hasn't. The truth is I have my own life to live, I feel as I have taken 20 steps backwards in the last year. His sentence will be approx. 1 year to 16 months in a provincial jail. No chance of probation as he was still on probation when this incident took place. He was charged 4 years ago of writing fraudulent cheques. The same judge is the one that is sentencing him on April 2. His dog is in our home a boxer and we have told him to get his affairs in order and also find his dog a suitable home. We can not care for this dog we already have one and of course he has tried to lay the guilt on us about this. Since the conviction he has been extrememly depressed. My heart is broken over this, however the truth is I can not wait for him to leave our home. His problems are not my burden to carry. So easy to say, back to working my own program. Im sorry what does spent mean ?

cynical one

Spent = fatigued, exhausted

Txhelp

I see he is serving time regardless.

Take care of you the best you know how. Your heart breaks, as a mom, over their life choices. I am not sure that I will ever come to terms with how my kids have chosen their lives......

Raider

I'm so sorry. Your story is heartbreaking. I wish you all the best. I pray for your peace.

Ifnotforgrace

"His problems are not my burden to carry"

You are exactly right. In Al-Anon we have what we call the 3 C's. This is short for

I did not Cause, can not Control, nor Cure (another's illness) While we can have compassion for our loved ones while they suffer the consequences of their actions/choices (He chose the relationship with this woman) it does us no good to suffer with them.

In my State just the arrest alone (without a conviction) is grounds for the probation officer to revoke IF they so choose to, and no bond is available IF the PO places a hold on their client.

It's harder when it's your child (opposed to spouse or sibling) but learning to detach and QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally) Helps. We too have been affected by the process of addiction and must realize our thinking too becomes distorted. We need time to heal and recover and must be proactive in this process, by placing our energies and focus on our own self-care (which is NOT a selfish act) thereby being proactive in our OWN recovery. It seems you are on the right track. Is there a F2F support group in your area? If so I would suggest attending their meetings along with open NA meetings. IF not there are several 12-Step based groups on line including sites like Facebook.

Jail is actually a better place in my neck of the woods than many a "crack" neighborhood and programs are offered that many a active addict would have no access to if they were not incarcerated. I pray your son will make use of what's offered an continue in his recovery while in and when he gets out. May God grant you Serenity. (Hug) I know it's not easy..cause I've been there.