Still struggling....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Still struggling....
Hello all:
I've had a few rough days. It's hard to pinpoint how I feel. My kids (age 19 and 25) aren't living with me, which is a huge step. I was the parent with the revolving door especially with my daughter.
My daughter was booted out of sober living, after her magic number of 3 weeks. That is usually how long it would go before I would boot her out of my home. According to her, she was past curfew after falling asleep. They drug tested her and she was popped for benzos. Of course, her RX isn't for a benzo and she claims false positive. I don't worry about THOSE details. She is staying at the same friends that my son was...couch hopping. She does have an option to stay with my mother but she is choosing to not contact her as of now. She says she plans on it.
My son has a job in a city 2 hours away. He made it up to his friends house, where he was staying. The car barely made it with a bad clutch. He took the drug test and was popped for benzos. He has a RX but left the bottle here. So he drove down to get the bottle (2.5 hours away). I asked him why he didn't call me to send it to me and he said he didn't want to bother me. Sounds lame! So he's back in town, due to leave today and probably spent the night in his car.
Since both of them aren't living with me, they seem ok. Not entirely sure of how sober they are....
I guess I was triggered into my obsessive thinking when they spent the night on Saturday and Sunday. Everything went well. They went to their fathers 50th birthday party and stayed with me after.
I am thinking once they were in contact with me and I am hearing their "stuff" that it is effecting me again. They are so unstable and do things the hard way.
I am just rambling SR friends! Thanks for listening. Who else am I going to ramble to??? LOL
I've had a few rough days. It's hard to pinpoint how I feel. My kids (age 19 and 25) aren't living with me, which is a huge step. I was the parent with the revolving door especially with my daughter.
My daughter was booted out of sober living, after her magic number of 3 weeks. That is usually how long it would go before I would boot her out of my home. According to her, she was past curfew after falling asleep. They drug tested her and she was popped for benzos. Of course, her RX isn't for a benzo and she claims false positive. I don't worry about THOSE details. She is staying at the same friends that my son was...couch hopping. She does have an option to stay with my mother but she is choosing to not contact her as of now. She says she plans on it.
My son has a job in a city 2 hours away. He made it up to his friends house, where he was staying. The car barely made it with a bad clutch. He took the drug test and was popped for benzos. He has a RX but left the bottle here. So he drove down to get the bottle (2.5 hours away). I asked him why he didn't call me to send it to me and he said he didn't want to bother me. Sounds lame! So he's back in town, due to leave today and probably spent the night in his car.
Since both of them aren't living with me, they seem ok. Not entirely sure of how sober they are....
I guess I was triggered into my obsessive thinking when they spent the night on Saturday and Sunday. Everything went well. They went to their fathers 50th birthday party and stayed with me after.
I am thinking once they were in contact with me and I am hearing their "stuff" that it is effecting me again. They are so unstable and do things the hard way.
I am just rambling SR friends! Thanks for listening. Who else am I going to ramble to??? LOL
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ramble away my friend, that is why we are here. You are in a different realm than me. I don't really know what I would do if it were my children. It has to be so hard. I do believe you are doing the right things. Don't beat yourself up for worrying about them, I don't think a mother can possibly do that.
Let Go and Let God.
Tight Hugs.
Let Go and Let God.
Tight Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Txhelp 
It's hard to pinpoint how I feel.
I've been traumatized by this disease and my body and brain remember, no matter how hard I want to forget. Another hindsight moment for me, but it's probably a good idea that I don't ever forget.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Gosh Chino...I think you hit the nail on the head.
Traumatized....I used to think I had PTSD, when my daughters journey into addiction began creeping around. I had so many early morning/late night phone calls-jail; cops; her; her father....I had a difficult time sleeping. That was about 3 years ago. I am just now semi-getting my sleep on track.
It is a stress response...the information that I overhear or they share with me or I ask about....sets me back into old ways of obsessing/thinking about them.
I have to use the tools that I have to bring me back around to self. What I can control and what I can't....
Traumatized....I used to think I had PTSD, when my daughters journey into addiction began creeping around. I had so many early morning/late night phone calls-jail; cops; her; her father....I had a difficult time sleeping. That was about 3 years ago. I am just now semi-getting my sleep on track.
It is a stress response...the information that I overhear or they share with me or I ask about....sets me back into old ways of obsessing/thinking about them.
I have to use the tools that I have to bring me back around to self. What I can control and what I can't....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
It seems that my son is still in town....he said he faxed the RX to the company that he is hoping to be hired....after he clears the drug test.
My kids are acting weird and evasive. Why does this both or surprise me? It's not like this has never happened before.....
My husband woke up this afternoon. He works night shift and he caught them, at our mailbox, shifting through the mail. My son was looking for his income tax check. He owes me several hundred from the check as I gave him an advance. I figured the ck would be sent to my home.
I called my son and told him not to go through my mail. If he was looking for the ck he should have called and left a message. I did have a missed call and no message. I told him "that what adults do. They communicate their intentions."
I need to turn off my phone. I don't know why I am getting spun up.
My kids are acting weird and evasive. Why does this both or surprise me? It's not like this has never happened before.....
My husband woke up this afternoon. He works night shift and he caught them, at our mailbox, shifting through the mail. My son was looking for his income tax check. He owes me several hundred from the check as I gave him an advance. I figured the ck would be sent to my home.
I called my son and told him not to go through my mail. If he was looking for the ck he should have called and left a message. I did have a missed call and no message. I told him "that what adults do. They communicate their intentions."
I need to turn off my phone. I don't know why I am getting spun up.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Derry
Posts: 45
"I've been traumatized by this disease and my body and brain remember, no matter how hard I want to forget. Another hindsight moment for me, but it's probably a good idea that I don't ever forget."
This is the best thing I've read so far to describe how I feel. My husband is an addict and relapsed this week.....Thank you for describing it perfectly and I really hope things get better for you
This is the best thing I've read so far to describe how I feel. My husband is an addict and relapsed this week.....Thank you for describing it perfectly and I really hope things get better for you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
At our family group at our son's rehab, the counselor mentioned that family members can experience PTSD symptoms. Makes sense. We experience months/years of sleep deprivation, violence (verbal or physical), vandalism, and theft, just to mention a few things. Life is chaotic and unpredictable, with late-night phone calls, visits by law enforcement, and of course erratic behavior by the addict. No wonder we feel traumatized.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
It's such a strange dynamic that I have with my kids, at this point. It's almost that I am hesitant to take their calls; or visit with them. Their calls typically consist of them wanting something...although they are respectful of my yes and no responses. It's still a one sided relationship.
Tonight, I told my son that he couldn't use my garage to repair his car. That was hard to say "no" to but I really wasn't worried about a mess. He disrespected me when he was living at home and pawned my power sprayer. I told him that after he did that I didn't feel comfortable with him hanging around for days, without my presence. I also told him that I didn't want to have to shuttle him for parts.
The good thing is that he said he understood and was cool with it. Another indication that he is on the right track. He'd said "I'll find some place else. I understand."
I felt proud of myself....I called my husband as he knows how hard it is to not help. He was proud of me also. He said..."you know I hate it that they put you in that position." I guess he was saying that it put me in the "last resort" position...that there is no one else to help. I guess he's right but I know I am never the last resort. I don't want to be their only solution anymore.
In fact, I don't want to be a solution at all.
Tonight, I told my son that he couldn't use my garage to repair his car. That was hard to say "no" to but I really wasn't worried about a mess. He disrespected me when he was living at home and pawned my power sprayer. I told him that after he did that I didn't feel comfortable with him hanging around for days, without my presence. I also told him that I didn't want to have to shuttle him for parts.
The good thing is that he said he understood and was cool with it. Another indication that he is on the right track. He'd said "I'll find some place else. I understand."
I felt proud of myself....I called my husband as he knows how hard it is to not help. He was proud of me also. He said..."you know I hate it that they put you in that position." I guess he was saying that it put me in the "last resort" position...that there is no one else to help. I guess he's right but I know I am never the last resort. I don't want to be their only solution anymore.
In fact, I don't want to be a solution at all.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Tonight, I told my son that he couldn't use my garage to repair his car. That was hard to say "no" to but I really wasn't worried about a mess. He disrespected me when he was living at home and pawned my power sprayer. I told him that after he did that I didn't feel comfortable with him hanging around for days, without my presence. I also told him that I didn't want to have to shuttle him for parts.
The good thing is that he said he understood and was cool with it. Another indication that he is on the right track. He'd said "I'll find some place else. I understand."
The good thing is that he said he understood and was cool with it. Another indication that he is on the right track. He'd said "I'll find some place else. I understand."
Yes.....Chino nailed it......traumatized. Addiction can traumatize those around it. Learning to recognize the feelings and emotions and learning how to deal with them is challenging.
You can ramble any time it provides some relief or clarity.......we understand.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Denton, Texas
Posts: 1
in the same boat..
About a year ago I was forced to amputate (as opposed to detach) from my 21 yr old addict daughter. I cut off all communication with her, blocked her number, joined an alanon group, and built a new life for myself three hours away.
I have recently decided to reestablish contact - a little at a time - with her. She and her boyfriend came to visit me and immediately started asking for things, pleading for money, etc.
I started out firm, using all my alanon tools. But then quickly, within just a few short hours, I felt my apartment was closing in on me. I felt the misery, and fear, and sadness I hadn't felt in months. I felt helpless to defend and protect my new found sanity and peace. I made up a excuse - a lie - in order to get them to leave.
I didn't sleep for 2 days after.
I have a long way to go.
Hugs and prayers to you.
I have recently decided to reestablish contact - a little at a time - with her. She and her boyfriend came to visit me and immediately started asking for things, pleading for money, etc.
I started out firm, using all my alanon tools. But then quickly, within just a few short hours, I felt my apartment was closing in on me. I felt the misery, and fear, and sadness I hadn't felt in months. I felt helpless to defend and protect my new found sanity and peace. I made up a excuse - a lie - in order to get them to leave.
I didn't sleep for 2 days after.
I have a long way to go.
Hugs and prayers to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Yesterday was rough. My son could not find a place to fix his car and is now sleeping in it.
He was crying and confused. My daughter said he hasn't had money for drugs.
He's not mentally healthy of course.
Last night he wanted to talk and not hang up. I listened to a bunch of crying and sheer desperation. He's out of options. I suggested rehab or a shelter or sober living. I don't know what he needs. I gave him phone numbers.
I told him that I don't know how to fix him or help as nothing that I've done has really worked.
This is incredibly difficult like hearing the call of an injured animal. Of course I know it can be PAWS or manipulation or desperation. I am fearful for him.
Sadness I know how it feels to be doing well and then putting them in your life feels like you've taken a big leap backwards.
He was crying and confused. My daughter said he hasn't had money for drugs.
He's not mentally healthy of course.
Last night he wanted to talk and not hang up. I listened to a bunch of crying and sheer desperation. He's out of options. I suggested rehab or a shelter or sober living. I don't know what he needs. I gave him phone numbers.
I told him that I don't know how to fix him or help as nothing that I've done has really worked.
This is incredibly difficult like hearing the call of an injured animal. Of course I know it can be PAWS or manipulation or desperation. I am fearful for him.
Sadness I know how it feels to be doing well and then putting them in your life feels like you've taken a big leap backwards.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
(((((((TX)))))))) I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I know how awful it feels. To not want to hear it anymore, to wish it wold all go away and knowing whether you pick up the phone or not, you are going to feel lousy. Sometimes we can't win.
I hope your son figures it out for himself and gets help. You know you cannot do it for him and even if you tried that never works. It is so tough to watch our kids struggle and hurt.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Chinos post. Dead on. Traumatized and overly stressed after every phone call. I am praying for you and your kids TX. There really isn't much else we can do.
I hope your son figures it out for himself and gets help. You know you cannot do it for him and even if you tried that never works. It is so tough to watch our kids struggle and hurt.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Chinos post. Dead on. Traumatized and overly stressed after every phone call. I am praying for you and your kids TX. There really isn't much else we can do.
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