I need to vent!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
IMO, addiction = abuse. I look back and I can see the emotional abuse now. However, It was so easy to blame it in his addiction and not hold him accountable. I was the great "splitter" (see cynical one blog for info on splitting).
Whether he loved me or not, he needed me to shore up himself and his addiction. Whether he loved me or not, it was a toxic love that helped me become toxic too. I finally realize I deserve better, a healthy love.....that comes from within.
Whether he loved me or not, he needed me to shore up himself and his addiction. Whether he loved me or not, it was a toxic love that helped me become toxic too. I finally realize I deserve better, a healthy love.....that comes from within.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
You are correct. You can hope all sorts of things, however you have made the decision to set an expectation of yourself. You know you have to get out of what has become a bad situation and have the expectation your life will get better, and it will!!!
I think we just hope for the wrong things. I pray to God all the time for answers, I think he gives them to me over and over, I just want the answer to be different.
Tight Hugs.
I think we just hope for the wrong things. I pray to God all the time for answers, I think he gives them to me over and over, I just want the answer to be different.
Tight Hugs.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
So he came "home" earlier then I expected yesterday. I could tell he wanted to talk aka manipulate me. I wasn't interested. He told me he found a great condo, one that I would love and filled out the application today. I told him I was certain I could not afford to like it and he said but I can afford it for us. I looked at him and said probably true but I could not emotionally afford it either. I got up and left the room.
I couldn't help but wonder.....was I always that easy to manipulate?? Did he really think that lame effort would work?? I had to laugh because all I could think to myself " hey honey, you sunk the boat and now you think I would get in the dingy with you??"
It felt like I was being treated like the family pet. I was expected to have been all excited, wagging my tail and panty with anxiety. You found us a new home, are you taking with me, pant , pant, pant.
The sad part was, I realized how little respect he had for me and how pathetic he thought I still was. I had my friend rolling with laughter as I imitated my puppy like reaction. And when I said "oh sorry dear, I spent the last 2 years getting healthier and I did it with "your" money. (Funny, how it's now his money, to try and control me)
She had her doubts I was really doing it but now she is a believer that I am very serious.
It has become so crystal clear. My Prince Charming is nothing more than an idiot in tinfoil. It was not letting go of hope that saved me, it was losing any respect I had left for him and finding some for myself. I don't mind sharing this, I am finally at the point of "what was I thinking??"
I did have a few crying moments yesterday. But I was not crying for or about him. I cried myself. I cried for once being so scared, so stupid, and once being so desperate. I let myself down and I now I must make that up to myself. I am working on that.
I couldn't help but wonder.....was I always that easy to manipulate?? Did he really think that lame effort would work?? I had to laugh because all I could think to myself " hey honey, you sunk the boat and now you think I would get in the dingy with you??"
It felt like I was being treated like the family pet. I was expected to have been all excited, wagging my tail and panty with anxiety. You found us a new home, are you taking with me, pant , pant, pant.
The sad part was, I realized how little respect he had for me and how pathetic he thought I still was. I had my friend rolling with laughter as I imitated my puppy like reaction. And when I said "oh sorry dear, I spent the last 2 years getting healthier and I did it with "your" money. (Funny, how it's now his money, to try and control me)
She had her doubts I was really doing it but now she is a believer that I am very serious.
It has become so crystal clear. My Prince Charming is nothing more than an idiot in tinfoil. It was not letting go of hope that saved me, it was losing any respect I had left for him and finding some for myself. I don't mind sharing this, I am finally at the point of "what was I thinking??"
I did have a few crying moments yesterday. But I was not crying for or about him. I cried myself. I cried for once being so scared, so stupid, and once being so desperate. I let myself down and I now I must make that up to myself. I am working on that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well, I am going to light that candle of hope and believe that things will get better for you very soon. How am I so certain? Because I am going to say a prayer and let God handle it all! How's that for calling in the muscle?
Morning Glory here once told me that the only way through pain was to look it square on and walk through it. She was right. Once we get to the "other side" and away from the darkness, things become clearer, life becomes beautiful again and we are wiser and stronger for the journey.
You will be okay, LMN, not only are we walking with you but God's got your back.
Hugs
Morning Glory here once told me that the only way through pain was to look it square on and walk through it. She was right. Once we get to the "other side" and away from the darkness, things become clearer, life becomes beautiful again and we are wiser and stronger for the journey.
You will be okay, LMN, not only are we walking with you but God's got your back.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Well, today is the day!! I begin packing my things!! It's strange because I feel so numb. I am little anxious about when he gets home!! I know he doesn't believe me, why should he? I have no credibility left. For the first time, he will hear my actions.
He is making it easier though. Saturday, he was willing to go to rehab if I would stay with him when I didn't respond, on Sunday, he went for a few drinks. Talk about manipulation. But how can I blame him, it has worked soooo..... tooooo many times.
Hope was my drug. Any speck of hope made me high as a kite. I was an addict, begging for some more hope. With each an every hopeful word, I knew the truth, but it didn't matter. I kept hoping for the best, now I am prepared for the worst. Hope came with a high price. I realize now, Reality is such a better place to live!! It's the only place I can be true to myself.
He is making it easier though. Saturday, he was willing to go to rehab if I would stay with him when I didn't respond, on Sunday, he went for a few drinks. Talk about manipulation. But how can I blame him, it has worked soooo..... tooooo many times.
Hope was my drug. Any speck of hope made me high as a kite. I was an addict, begging for some more hope. With each an every hopeful word, I knew the truth, but it didn't matter. I kept hoping for the best, now I am prepared for the worst. Hope came with a high price. I realize now, Reality is such a better place to live!! It's the only place I can be true to myself.
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Hope was my drug. Any speck of hope made me high as a kite. I was an addict, begging for some more hope. With each an every hopeful word, I knew the truth, but it didn't matter. I kept hoping for the best, now I am prepared for the worst. Hope came with a high price. I realize now, Reality is such a better place to live!! It's the only place I can be true to myself.
This is exactly how I feel
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