78armywife93

My husband of 36 years is addicted to pain pills (oxycontin, oxycodone, muscle relaxers and valium). Over the past 5 years he has had numerous medical issues including chemotherapy and radiation treatment for cancer, Stage 3 COPD, 3 back surgeries and several hospitalizations. He has been a smoker for 40 years and has no intention of quitting even though he gives it lip service. A big struggle we have is that he sees nothing wrong with smoking while he is using the oxygen. He took a medical retirement in 2010 and last year I retired from teaching to be his caregiver. While I feel that his medical issues are legitimate.. his behavior is becoming so severe now that this is beyond anything I can do to help him.
I am at a loss of how to help him. He is in denial that he needs help. He has been to rehab for addiction (kicking and screaming) and that was a failure. He is not the same person and the family is giving up because he doesn't want any help. I'm trying to be his caregiver but I am now becoming his enemy because I am having to tell him no and he doesn't like that. I realize that I am enabling him even though my intentions are good... I'm not sure what to do. When he is lucid and reasonable, he admits that he needs help but he will not follow up with what he agrees to at the time.
I know he is depressed and out of frustration, I am beginning to doubt that things will ever get better. He doesn't want help and I can't make him. So where does that leave us? He is not the same person and I'm starting to think that use of all this medication (sometimes legitimate and sometimes overindulgence) is effecting his memory and ability to be rational. Often times, I am even suspecting a stroke by his behavior. If I were to quit taking care of him, I am so fearful of what would happen I can't stand it. How can you help someone who doesn't want the help?

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us. My hope is over the next day or two, other members who have gone through similar trials as you will pipe in and offer their experience, strength, and hope.

The issues surrounding your husband are multilayered and complex. There's a couple of things going on here. Number one:

Number two:

When you're married to someone for 36 years, that's quite an investment. But the implicit promise of marriage is that both parties are going to pull their own weight. And right now, you're pulling his as well as yours as he drifts further and further into the darkness of addiction. Is that what you signed up for?

Mind you, I'm not going to offer an opinion on how to handle your marriage. What I will do is offer an opinion on how you can get through this rough period. Your eyes aren't lying. This is what your AH has become. And you can't help him, and if you're not around to be his "caretaker", then whatever is supposed to happen will happen. It's not in your control. And as far as I see it, just because you've been married for 36 years doesn't mean you should stay coupled to someone that's in a self destructive death spiral. You have to ask what's best for you, and when you answer that question, you may have to do something that was previously unthinkable.

In the meantime, I encourage you to read our Sticky Notes on our homepage, especially a post called "What Addicts Do". Knowledge truly is power. Keep your eyes and mind open.

Hang in there.

ZoSo

Txhelp

Yes...a multi- layered issue.

Pain; addiction; caregiving makes this complicated.

There isn't much you can do to stop him from taking drugs....

Although, you can take care of yourself. Put some boundaries in place for you to remain healthy. I am not sure what his "needs" are medically.

You will have to fight for your healthy time....even if he puts up a temper tantrum. Care-giving to the ill and a drug dependent person is very difficult.

Healthy time means you getting a break and taking care of your needs....every day. He may not only be dependent on his drugs but more than likely you as well.