Hoping to find a happy place
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
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Hoping to find a happy place
As if watching my 16 year old daughter withdrawal from heroin wasn't enough to make a mom feel terrible... the stories she tells now that she's sober are just killing my spirit, whatever is left of it anyways.
I first found out she was smoking pot when she was 12. By 8th grade she was snorting her grandmothers vicodin and by 16 years old it was heroin. When she was in the hospital on my birthday last year I called her dads mother (who lives about an hour away from us) and asked if she could live with her to get her away from the people she was running around with.
That helped for about a month and then she found meth. She had been in a rehab program for about two months at this point. I noticed her poems and pictures she was posting on social media had turned from inspirational back to drugs so I took her to her drug program and asked that they test her. It was dirty. I spent the night with her at my ex-mother-in-laws house after she was asleep the went through her phone and computer. I found out that not only was she using again but she was selling at school and carried a switchblade knife in her bra.
Devastation does not begin to cover the emotion I felt. I got up before her the next morning and called the administrator of her program and he told me that the only way I can get her the next level of help would be through the judicial system or the foster care system. I couldn't just leave and drive the hour home knowing what she was doing. So, I called the police on my beautiful, first born, only daughter. 2nd hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Ever. The police came, found the drugs in her bedroom and arrested her. She was in custody for 5 days before I got a phone call that the charges were being dropped and I needed to come pick her up.
Wow. Still no help for this lost child. I called anyone and everyone who I thought could give me advice or guidance and made the decision to turn her over to foster care. Relinquish my parental rights. By far, the hardest thing I have ever done. I cried so hard during this process that I could not even speak. She had to tell them why we were there and why I was giving her up. I will never be the same person after making this choice but I really could not find any other options. There is NOTHING in this area for teen drug addicts who are not court ordered or in foster care.
So, fast forward ten months to today. She's eight months sober and doing very well. Graduated high school early and is in college. Working and getting ready to move into her own place in 60 days when she turns 18. If that was how this story ends I would be beaming with sunshine and rainbows... but... this is my version of the story and her's is VERY different.
She tells people how I abandoned her and she was homeless and no one ever did anything for her. My definition of homeless and her's are very different. I believe homeless people have no other place to go, they don't have a home. Her version of homeless came from her not wanting to come home when she was loaded and not having a place to stay where she could do her drugs in peace and be left alone.
The stories she tells makes me sound like a horrible monster who doesn't deserve to have a child. She tells me that she understands why I did what I did and she even thanks me for saving her life but then she writes papers for school and just tells these horrible and completely untrue stories that kill me.
I don't get it. I may not ever get it. Maybe it's not for me to get. Perhaps her being clean should be enough and I shouldn't be bothered by the stories she tells as long as she stays clean. I don't know. I just hope she's off drugs for good. Praying for NO RELAPSE.
Anyone else have a similar experience??? Or advice, suggestions on how to deal with this? I really am thankful she's clean. I don't want to minimalize that. I guess a gal can't have everything :/
I first found out she was smoking pot when she was 12. By 8th grade she was snorting her grandmothers vicodin and by 16 years old it was heroin. When she was in the hospital on my birthday last year I called her dads mother (who lives about an hour away from us) and asked if she could live with her to get her away from the people she was running around with.
That helped for about a month and then she found meth. She had been in a rehab program for about two months at this point. I noticed her poems and pictures she was posting on social media had turned from inspirational back to drugs so I took her to her drug program and asked that they test her. It was dirty. I spent the night with her at my ex-mother-in-laws house after she was asleep the went through her phone and computer. I found out that not only was she using again but she was selling at school and carried a switchblade knife in her bra.
Devastation does not begin to cover the emotion I felt. I got up before her the next morning and called the administrator of her program and he told me that the only way I can get her the next level of help would be through the judicial system or the foster care system. I couldn't just leave and drive the hour home knowing what she was doing. So, I called the police on my beautiful, first born, only daughter. 2nd hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Ever. The police came, found the drugs in her bedroom and arrested her. She was in custody for 5 days before I got a phone call that the charges were being dropped and I needed to come pick her up.
Wow. Still no help for this lost child. I called anyone and everyone who I thought could give me advice or guidance and made the decision to turn her over to foster care. Relinquish my parental rights. By far, the hardest thing I have ever done. I cried so hard during this process that I could not even speak. She had to tell them why we were there and why I was giving her up. I will never be the same person after making this choice but I really could not find any other options. There is NOTHING in this area for teen drug addicts who are not court ordered or in foster care.
So, fast forward ten months to today. She's eight months sober and doing very well. Graduated high school early and is in college. Working and getting ready to move into her own place in 60 days when she turns 18. If that was how this story ends I would be beaming with sunshine and rainbows... but... this is my version of the story and her's is VERY different.
She tells people how I abandoned her and she was homeless and no one ever did anything for her. My definition of homeless and her's are very different. I believe homeless people have no other place to go, they don't have a home. Her version of homeless came from her not wanting to come home when she was loaded and not having a place to stay where she could do her drugs in peace and be left alone.
The stories she tells makes me sound like a horrible monster who doesn't deserve to have a child. She tells me that she understands why I did what I did and she even thanks me for saving her life but then she writes papers for school and just tells these horrible and completely untrue stories that kill me.
I don't get it. I may not ever get it. Maybe it's not for me to get. Perhaps her being clean should be enough and I shouldn't be bothered by the stories she tells as long as she stays clean. I don't know. I just hope she's off drugs for good. Praying for NO RELAPSE.
Anyone else have a similar experience??? Or advice, suggestions on how to deal with this? I really am thankful she's clean. I don't want to minimalize that. I guess a gal can't have everything :/
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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So sorry for your pain. She is still very young, and her story ("My mom abandoned me.") is much more dramatic and paints her in a better light than if she told a more accurate version. When I was 17 I did not have issues with drugs but had numerous conflicts with my mom, mostly because she forbade me to see my boyfriend at the time. I told horrible stories about my mom to anyone who would listen. I conveniently left out details such as my screaming at her and calling her names, leaving home in the middle of the night to stay with the boyfriend, etc. When I got older, I understood why she was concerned and we became close again. Just curious, have you ever told your daughter how you feel about the stories she tells? All I can say is, give it time, keep in contact with your daughter, and keep reaching out to get support for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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We've discussed it in therapy many times. I thought she wasn't telling the homeless and abandoned stories anymore but saw I paper she wrote for college last week. It was the worst story yet. I'll just keep my hopes up that she will stay clean and the stories will stop some day. When we're talking I know that she gets it. And she doesn't tell these stories in front of me. I guess as long as she stays sober I'll just try to focus on being happy that she's sober 
It really just sucks to be the bad witch in her stories. I want to be the good witch that saved her from herself. (I do get that it's not about me. Just thought I'd throw in a funny.)
It really just sucks to be the bad witch in her stories. I want to be the good witch that saved her from herself. (I do get that it's not about me. Just thought I'd throw in a funny.)
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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This may not help but I will share anyway, My 20 year old daughter is not an addict and has some really strange ideas and memories of her past. I think I did too when I was her age. Maybe, some of this is just an age thing. Also, because her thinking was distorted from being in drugs, these could be her memories. Don't let her define what you know to be true. I have found saying "I am sorry you feel that way" and really letting it go to be very freeing.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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I like that. And I do know that she really did FEEL homeless. So I'm sure that's where it comes from. I really don't hold it against her, it just hurts my feelings. I'm really trying to focus on being happy about her sobriety instead of sad about her stories.
And... I'm SO glad I found this forum. It has help immensely already!
And... I'm SO glad I found this forum. It has help immensely already!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know with my ex addict bf, who was not a child but a grown man with child like emotions. His stories from his past were always negative and I knew often overly embellished.
His view of his early drug addiction was that his parents cared more about hiding it from their friends then they did in wanting to help him. The part he leaves out is that his parents spend well over a hundred thousand dollars on numerous rehabs for him when he was 18 through 28. The part he leaves out is all the therapy sessions they attended with him to support him and to better understand his addiction and how to help him.
His view is that his mother only cared about his brothers who were white collar workers then she did about him who was always a blue collar worker. The part he leaves out is all her support, emotionally and financially for him to attend trade schools. All of which he stopped going due to drug use.
I remember attending a group out patient session with him where all the addicts were sharing their stories. It became a top this, who could have the worst story. I remember going to speaker AA meetings where that theme also seemed present, who could have the worst story.
I think my ex learned blame at an early age, an excuse to use drugs and that habit of blame stayed with him. He also spoke highly of his mother in front of her snd to her YET out there in meetings, talking to his sponsors, his parents were horrible people and that's why he used drugs.
I clearly see now that my ex has never ever fully taken responsibility for his addiction. It continues to be pushed onto someone else with embellished memories from his past.
It's hurtful when we are placed where we don't belong by someone we love and included in THEIR Hollywood style dramas.
I also think your daughters age plays a factor and I think it great you are communicating with her. Hopefully in time and some maturity this topic can be discussed between the two of you.
(((hugs)))
His view of his early drug addiction was that his parents cared more about hiding it from their friends then they did in wanting to help him. The part he leaves out is that his parents spend well over a hundred thousand dollars on numerous rehabs for him when he was 18 through 28. The part he leaves out is all the therapy sessions they attended with him to support him and to better understand his addiction and how to help him.
His view is that his mother only cared about his brothers who were white collar workers then she did about him who was always a blue collar worker. The part he leaves out is all her support, emotionally and financially for him to attend trade schools. All of which he stopped going due to drug use.
I remember attending a group out patient session with him where all the addicts were sharing their stories. It became a top this, who could have the worst story. I remember going to speaker AA meetings where that theme also seemed present, who could have the worst story.
I think my ex learned blame at an early age, an excuse to use drugs and that habit of blame stayed with him. He also spoke highly of his mother in front of her snd to her YET out there in meetings, talking to his sponsors, his parents were horrible people and that's why he used drugs.
I clearly see now that my ex has never ever fully taken responsibility for his addiction. It continues to be pushed onto someone else with embellished memories from his past.
It's hurtful when we are placed where we don't belong by someone we love and included in THEIR Hollywood style dramas.
I also think your daughters age plays a factor and I think it great you are communicating with her. Hopefully in time and some maturity this topic can be discussed between the two of you.
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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That is EXACTLY what it is! I love her to pieces and would do anything for her but it really is a Hollywood style drama where I'm the villian... and even more so her dad. And it makes sense that it would be easier for her to blame her parents than to blame herself.
Thank you SO much for sharing! This is exactly the type of thing I was hoping to find when I signed up for this forum. It's NOT just me... whew
Thank you SO much for sharing! This is exactly the type of thing I was hoping to find when I signed up for this forum. It's NOT just me... whew
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by JustTry2BNice 
And it makes sense that it would be easier for her to blame her parents than to blame herself.
My recovering daughter, now 26, finally stopped the blame game a year or two ago. I'd say to her repeatedly "let's take blame out of this," and that sounded appealing to her. Enough so that I don't ever hear that word from her any more. She willingly owns all her choices, good and bad.
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Originally Posted by Chino
As she continues to emotionally develop (her addiction put that on hiatus), she'll hopefully learn to replace blame with the concept of responsibility and accountability.
My recovering daughter, now 26, finally stopped the blame game a year or two ago. I'd say to her repeatedly "let's take blame out of this," and that sounded appealing to her. Enough so that I don't ever hear that word from her any more. She willingly owns all her choices, good and bad.
My recovering daughter, now 26, finally stopped the blame game a year or two ago. I'd say to her repeatedly "let's take blame out of this," and that sounded appealing to her. Enough so that I don't ever hear that word from her any more. She willingly owns all her choices, good and bad.
She just posted on my facebook page "8 week and 5 days until freedom." That's in reference to her 18th birthday.
I'm equally excited and terrified. I hope she has come far enough since June of last year. Hope and pray.
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Sorensen, that's beyond her mother's control.
JT2BNice, I forgot to say that what you did took tremendous courage. That's the kind of thing that people everywhere say you ought to do, but hardly anyone ever does. It's rare and exceptional. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
JT2BNice, I forgot to say that what you did took tremendous courage. That's the kind of thing that people everywhere say you ought to do, but hardly anyone ever does. It's rare and exceptional. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Originally Posted by Sorensen
Even though she is doing very well, in my opinion 18 is too young to leave home especially since she has a history of drug abuse.
I can't offer her college or help starting out in life. I lost my job when I was out looking for her instead of going to work on time every day. However, she is looking for an apartment as close to me as possible and I will undoubtedly be going over there daily. Her dad is buying her a used car for her 18th birthday and he will be going over there frequently as well. She has a good support system in place as long as she "does the right thing."
There are good and bad at every turn.
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My AH also had the habit of blaming his parents/childhood for his addiction, so believe me, you're not alone. During extended periods of sobriety, he was a lot closer to his family and had a much better relationship with them. Hopefully, with time, your daughter will also see things in a better light. I'm glad your daughter is working on her recovery and I wish you both a lot of success in the future.
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