Unhappy with husband's addiction

Old 02-19-2014, 07:10 AM
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I am so sorry for your family for the loss of your sister's baby. How tragic.

I hope you figure out a treatment program and that it is successful for him. I am so happy you seem very educated about what is going on and you are obviously a great mom!

We support you!!!
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Old 02-19-2014, 09:19 AM
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Big Hugs to you ((Sadwife7))
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Old 02-19-2014, 10:36 AM
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I tried finding narcanon meetings in my area, and I had no luck. I'm willing to go to whichever meetings I need to...The program I found is through a catholic hospital which is technically non profit I believe. They do have financial help available, but he wouldn't be able to sign up for the program until that was figured out. The lady did say that they would bill our ins and when they got something (well, or nothing) back from them we would get a bill and I could set up payments. So at least I would not have to come up with several thousand before he could get help.
Thank your for your view on the suboxone, CleaninLI. His friend being on it has made me not like it because I don't like the friend. (there isn't really anything wrong with him besides his own addiction, I've known him for years and he is just....kind of an idiot. We almost dated and he strung me along for a long time so I do not have a high opinion of him, but it is absolutely biased lol) He is definitely dealing with depression, but to me it seems like it is all in a cycle with his addiction. But breaking the pill use cycle won't fix the mental state.
My mother's opinion of his dad is that as long as hubby is a failure, then his dad is still going to be important and needed in his life. That once hubby succeeds with his family life, & financially, he will start realizing that his dad has failed and remove him from the crazy high pedestal he currently has him on. He got to be the disneyland dad, turned the other way when he was 17 and drinking at his dads house, gave him tramadol or didnt do anything when he stole it from him, instead of teaching consequences. What blows my mind is he has been going to AA for prob 15 years, speaks at things, super involved in it. (his drunk driving killed his best friend when they were 16) And yet he has failed with his son so badly.
His dad told him the other day that since we can't afford the lawyer bill for his legal deal, then just don't pay it. Don't stress about it since you don't have the money, just don't pay it. (hubby did not think he was right at least) OMG. He's filed bankruptcy twice. He has no ability to give financial advice!! And it is a bill. It must be paid. Whether we go begging to his grandma or get a loan against our car or use every bit of our tax money or maybe even call the lawyer to set up a payment plan (my first choice) it will be paid.
Alright...since I realize I am just ranting about his dad, I am going to go get ready for work. I just can't stand him. He is so, nice. He acts like he cares so much. But if you try to rely on him, he isn't there. We moved into our house, he was going to fix our oven since it didn't work, well, 8 months later I still don't have an oven. And he wanted me to pay someone to fix the piece of crap instead of buying a cheap used one. The guy he wanted me to hire agreed with me that it isn't worth fixing.
He probably would do family therapy. I don't think I would want to sit through that. Of course I would, but ick.
RIGHT. No more procrastinating, time to be productive.
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Old 02-19-2014, 01:19 PM
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Hello sadwife,

I'm glad you were looking for some meetings in your area to attend. I'm also glad you found a program....and that they are willing to work with you. That's great...I'm sure that's given you a little more peace of mind.

Sorry that you didn't find a meeting yet. I suppose family meetings are fewer and farther in between then let's say meetings for addicts and alcoholics. I guess some family members do attend open NA meetings with their addict. I've been to some of those meetings and feel they really are geared towards the addict side than the family side. I think most you'd get out of it is knowledge of the struggles addicts go through in recovery. But as far as your own personal healing goes, I don't think they would be too useful.

I have posted links to the most common recovery meetings available.


http://nar-anon.org/naranon/

http://crgroups.info/

http://www.sossobriety.org/meetings/

http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm

((((Sorry mods if this is not allowed.))))

I suppose trying a few different types to see which ones resinate with you best would be the way to go. Even different meetings within the groups can be very different as far as comfort level and support go. I do think you should still look into individual therapy for yourself. I think I just mentioned on another thread how important therapy is for spouses of addicts /alcoholics. Your addict husband has done a number on your own emotions/thought processes. Damage is done whether it was intensional or not. I know that I never deliberately sought out to hurt my family members....in fact I was oblivious to the pain and suffering my addiction caused them. My focus was entirely on the pills...how many I had and how to get more. But I know for a fact that all my moodiness, lies, thefts, gas-lighting, blame-shifting etc. have taken its toll.....even the most mentally healthy spouse would suffer under those circumstances. The fact that you are carrying a child makes your mental health even more important Dont you think? Alright, off my soapbox now.

I know it's super frustrating when you know full well your father-in-law is compounding the problem with hubby's addiction. I hope that your husband can reach a point where he can be more independent.....cut that cord with his father. Hey, if you have a fairly close relationship with your father-in-law bring him with you to a "family" meeting.....he might learn something! Ha!

Yes sub is a usefull tool, but it is by no means a cure-all! Hubby still needs to do the work needed to remain successful in his recovery. That will take lots effort, dillegence and soul-searching on his part.....those types of things hubby has to do himself....no one can do that part for him. Of course you can offer lots of encouragement and support.....never at your own expense though. There is the potential for abuse of sub...So hubby will have to keep that in mind....and never take more than prescribed. In fact, having a family member dole out his daily dose might be nessesary if it becomes a problem. I'm just making you aware, for knowledge sake what could happen. That doesn't mean it will, ya know?

Alright, I better wrap this up...need to cook dinner. I hope your sister is doing alright. That's so very sad!

Hugs

Clean
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Old 02-19-2014, 04:08 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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Sadwife so very sorry to hear about your sister and her baby. very sad indeed. I will be praying for her and your entire family.
The father sounds like a problem because instead of helping his advice and well intentioned (although ignorant)suggestions only seem to exacerbate the problem.
You seem very clear headed and have a good plan in place. I hope you can find either a good support group or at least individual therapy that can help you. You shouldnt have to face this alone. Hugs.
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Old 02-19-2014, 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by SadWife7 View Post
I tried finding narcanon meetings in my area, and I had no luck. I'm willing to go to whichever meetings I need to...The program I found is through a catholic hospital which is technically non profit I believe. They do have financial help available, but he wouldn't be able to sign up for the program until that was figured out. The lady did say that they would bill our ins and when they got something (well, or nothing) back from them we would get a bill and I could set up payments. So at least I would not have to come up with several thousand before he could get help.
Thank your for your view on the suboxone, CleaninLI. His friend being on it has made me not like it because I don't like the friend. (there isn't really anything wrong with him besides his own addiction, I've known him for years and he is just....kind of an idiot. We almost dated and he strung me along for a long time so I do not have a high opinion of him, but it is absolutely biased lol) He is definitely dealing with depression, but to me it seems like it is all in a cycle with his addiction. But breaking the pill use cycle won't fix the mental state.
My mother's opinion of his dad is that as long as hubby is a failure, then his dad is still going to be important and needed in his life. That once hubby succeeds with his family life, & financially, he will start realizing that his dad has failed and remove him from the crazy high pedestal he currently has him on. He got to be the disneyland dad, turned the other way when he was 17 and drinking at his dads house, gave him tramadol or didnt do anything when he stole it from him, instead of teaching consequences. What blows my mind is he has been going to AA for prob 15 years, speaks at things, super involved in it. (his drunk driving killed his best friend when they were 16) And yet he has failed with his son so badly.
His dad told him the other day that since we can't afford the lawyer bill for his legal deal, then just don't pay it. Don't stress about it since you don't have the money, just don't pay it. (hubby did not think he was right at least) OMG. He's filed bankruptcy twice. He has no ability to give financial advice!! And it is a bill. It must be paid. Whether we go begging to his grandma or get a loan against our car or use every bit of our tax money or maybe even call the lawyer to set up a payment plan (my first choice) it will be paid.
Alright...since I realize I am just ranting about his dad, I am going to go get ready for work. I just can't stand him. He is so, nice. He acts like he cares so much. But if you try to rely on him, he isn't there. We moved into our house, he was going to fix our oven since it didn't work, well, 8 months later I still don't have an oven. And he wanted me to pay someone to fix the piece of crap instead of buying a cheap used one. The guy he wanted me to hire agreed with me that it isn't worth fixing.
He probably would do family therapy. I don't think I would want to sit through that. Of course I would, but ick.
RIGHT. No more procrastinating, time to be productive.
Must be a little troubling to think he might handle his own recovery based on what he seen his dad doing these past 15 years? His dad may be off substances but it doesn't sound like he is exactly healthy. That is a tough situation...

A lot of inpatient/outpatient programs offer services to family also. Once you pick a treatment plan for him make sure to inquire if they have family therapy, meetings, or group sessions. My husbands rehab offered me therapy sessions, and then a bit later marriage counseling for us. If you have the opportunity to do therapy together at some point I would highly suggest it; really sped up our healing process.

Good thoughts headed out your way tonight...
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Old 02-22-2014, 11:45 AM
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Wish me luck!
I have to vent.
Headed 3 hours to go skiing with my entire family. We are in the vehicle with my parents. They know about his addiction, but he does not know that they know. I am super mad at him right now, we had the night off from the kiddo last night and he spent an hour and a half at his drug dealers instead of coming home to actually do something together. Then spent the rest of the night in the bathroom, never came to bed. Went to work this morning to make up some time, and he's taking his time getting back. Told him the car is leaving at 2 with or without us. We are probably going to get to my mom's at 2 on the dot.
Just frustrating. I don't want to make this weekend bad by being pissed, but I don't even want him to go at this point. And I'm terrified my parents are going to say something and I just don't want to go there right now.
I know I'll put on a happy face. I just wish I could mean it.
UGH. These are all the same problems over and over again, so it's no surprise or anything, but for him to pick right now, knowing that this trip was coming up, makes me want to kick him.
He has 16 min to make it home or I'm leaving without him. I will not be heartbroken if he doesn't make it.
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Old 02-22-2014, 12:06 PM
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Gosh that's awful! I hope he made, but it looks like he is very wrapped up in his active addiction cycle. I'm sorry you are going thru this! I hope you enjoy your ski trip whether he showed up or not. I like that you are out doing things for you, not waiting around for him!

Thoughts and prayers going out to you!
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Old 02-22-2014, 01:36 PM
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Sadwife said: I know I'll put on a happy face. I just wish I could mean it.

This is perhaps the hardest part of making it through these times. Because our family, our kids, our friends...they see it, they know it,and they hurt for us just as much as we hurt for trying to hide it. Yet the merry go round continues, until we find our way to make it stop.

As someone who just finished my own ski trip full of false smiles and longing for it to be real, I wish for you at least a few moments of pure joy with your family...just for today. You and they deserve it.

Hugs and support.
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Old 02-22-2014, 07:59 PM
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first of all welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear the pain you're in but congrats on being pregnant, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time with your husband. A lot of different things caught my eye when I was reading your story. Your husband is showing all signs of addiction getting worst and worst. He is blaming everything on you because that's what addicts do.

This is hard to accept but addiction is a disease. It is something they can not control especially when they are actively in it. you say his dad goes to NA and he is sober and clean, but you don't want to be with someone who has to do that, but unfortunately your husband will need meetings and a 12 step program to have any chance at a normal life again. It's a life long progressive that only gets worst if not treated.

But here's the other hard part, you are not able to make him want to change. The yelling, fighting, or screaming will only make him feel worst and sadly love will not get them to stay clean either. He has to want to change.

The best thing you can do for yourself is start going to meetings. my xbf used drugs and drank and I personally like al anon more than I liked nar anon but everyone has their own preference. I know he's the one with the problem, but sadly addiction is a family disease and you will need to start focusing on yourself too because you have issues too that you need to work on to have a happier life.

I know this is all overwhelming and when you say you want 4 kids and you won't find anyone else, that is definitely not true. You have to believe that someone worthy will love you again and you're children. no one ever wants to break up their families but you have to do what's best for you and your kids especially if you're husband never gets clean.

And also, it's hard to make friends of course, but you have to give yourself a chance to make friends, and if u go to meetings there are amazing ppl who will be your friend and be there for you too. They know what you've been through. Don't isolate yourself, be kind to yourself, and feel free to private message anytime if you need to talk to someone. you're in my prayers. God bless
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Old 02-22-2014, 09:48 PM
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Hello and welcome to the forum.

You're getting lots of feedback from a vast array of people with experience with addiction:

Some are......

.....experienced with one addict and a currently successful outcome.

......experienced with one addict and have been dragged through the mire for years.

.....recovering addicts themselves.

.....experienced with multiple addicts and multiple rehab centers.

......new to the experience of addiction struggling with their own thoughts and feelings.

......working with the families of addicts and/or working directly with addicts in a volunteer or professional capacity.

Wow! That's what's really great about SR.....the wide variety of experiences.....all have some value. Their thoughts are shared with you but all are strongly biased by their own experiences. Always....take what is helpful to you and leave the rest (or store it away where you can refer to it in the future).

The one thing we all have in common is.....we love someone who is addicted. That is what brings us all here.

I was married to an addict. He never wanted to stop doing drugs. He never sought treatment. We were married for five years. We had a son. I loved him......but I divorced him. I left when the pain of staying with him was greater than the fear of leaving him. I met and married a wonderful man after my divorce whom I am still happily married to after 28 years. My husband is my partner (at home and we are also partners in our business). I consider that a success story for me. Not necessarily the route everyone should take but it was the right thing to do for me. There is no shame in it. I have lived with and loved a healthy, handsome, intelligent, hard-working, educated, non-addicted man for 28 years. It wouldn't have happened if I stayed married to my addicted ex.

The other part of my story is as the mother of an addict. My son has been through rehab five times. Two out patient and three inpatient. He is struggling. He doesn't want to use. He wants to be clean but it's a struggle. He knows that we love him. He has difficulty sustaining a continuous long term recovery. I enabled him for a long time. I no longer enable him but am very supportive of any efforts toward recovery.

Personally, I take care of me. I didn't do that very well for a very long time. The only "advice" I'll dole out is......take care of you. When there are children involved, that advice is modified to.......take care of you and the children. When we do that well, there is nothing bad that can come of it.

You, your children and your husband will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 02-23-2014, 04:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Hello and welcome to the forum.

You're getting lots of feedback from a vast array of people with experience with addiction:

Some are......

.....experienced with one addict and a currently successful outcome.

......experienced with one addict and have been dragged through the mire for years.

.....recovering addicts themselves.

.....experienced with multiple addicts and multiple rehab centers.

......new to the experience of addiction struggling with their own thoughts and feelings.

......working with the families of addicts and/or working directly with addicts in a volunteer or professional capacity.

Wow! That's what's really great about SR.....the wide variety of experiences.....all have some value. Their thoughts are shared with you but all are strongly biased by their own experiences. Always....take what is helpful to you and leave the rest (or store it away where you can refer to it in the future).

The one thing we all have in common is.....we love someone who is addicted. That is what brings us all here.

ke
Sticky worthy KE for all newcomers to all forums! Thanks for your story…
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