Misplaced anger??
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Misplaced anger??
I really don't believe in coincidences, so I am trying to figure out the message of today's events.
I ran down to my local convenient store. The minute I pulled in, I got a bad vibe. I was on the phone with a friend and basically told her that. As I walked into the store, I heard my name being called. I stopped and looked and there he was.....the devil in disguise, the original drug dealer to my husband whom I haven't seen in a few years. (It was shocking to see how good he was looks)
Now, this man was a "friend." He was around my kids, my family and my home. At that time, we were on top of the world and I had no idea how sinister he was. I know it's my husband own fault but I still have hard feelings toward him too. IMO, drug dealers are simply evil - contributing to the demise of sick people and their loved ones....all for the love of money.
He acted like we were old, long lost friends and actually tried to give me a hug hello. I was civil at first but when he asked about my husband, I got angry and just went into the store. He actually waited at my car so we could continue to lie to my face. I let him know I thought he was nothing more then a low life drug dealing piece of crap and I didn't have anything use in "catching" up.
I left filled with adrenalin and rage. It's finally over, I was at peace with it and to run into him after this long.....just refueled my anger and disgust.
I know there is a message in this encounter but I just can't see it. Today's little "reunion" reminded of me of my life before and the present. Wow, what a long fall it was and I was too scared, too naive, too stubborn, too egotistical, too full of "hope" to jump ship before it all went under.
What was a God trying to tell me?? Any thoughts??
Ps. Writing out this post has helped me somewhat find my balance again so
I ran down to my local convenient store. The minute I pulled in, I got a bad vibe. I was on the phone with a friend and basically told her that. As I walked into the store, I heard my name being called. I stopped and looked and there he was.....the devil in disguise, the original drug dealer to my husband whom I haven't seen in a few years. (It was shocking to see how good he was looks)
Now, this man was a "friend." He was around my kids, my family and my home. At that time, we were on top of the world and I had no idea how sinister he was. I know it's my husband own fault but I still have hard feelings toward him too. IMO, drug dealers are simply evil - contributing to the demise of sick people and their loved ones....all for the love of money.
He acted like we were old, long lost friends and actually tried to give me a hug hello. I was civil at first but when he asked about my husband, I got angry and just went into the store. He actually waited at my car so we could continue to lie to my face. I let him know I thought he was nothing more then a low life drug dealing piece of crap and I didn't have anything use in "catching" up.
I left filled with adrenalin and rage. It's finally over, I was at peace with it and to run into him after this long.....just refueled my anger and disgust.
I know there is a message in this encounter but I just can't see it. Today's little "reunion" reminded of me of my life before and the present. Wow, what a long fall it was and I was too scared, too naive, too stubborn, too egotistical, too full of "hope" to jump ship before it all went under.
What was a God trying to tell me?? Any thoughts??
Ps. Writing out this post has helped me somewhat find my balance again so
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
For me, when anything triggers me, I know I need to take quiet time to work through it and figure out what's "really" wrong. Triggers are reminders that we still have work to do and that recovery is a daily renewal process.
Your situation is a little different because you are still living in a very "raw" situation and have probably been trying hard to process so many really difficult emotions over the past while. It wouldn't take much to trigger anyone in that situation. You are angry at addiction, at your husband's inability to find and maintain sobriety, and probably at anything anywhere that has anything to do with drugs.
And...it's okay. Your anger is valid and justified and the fact that you ARE processing it is good. It may be misdirected but heck, I'd misdirect at a dealer too. Dealers may not cause the problem but they provide fuel for the fire and I say that knowing my own son has dealt drugs himself, maybe not in a big way but any dealing at all still provided the fuel to somebody's loved one's addiction.
I struggle with processing anger and resentment. I KNOW they need to be dealt with and to let them sit is like holding poison inside that will cause my pain to fester and grow. Time helps, walking and exercise help, praying helps, but I wish I had something that worked...faster.
It's good to look at our behaviour and decide what we need to do to feel better about ourselves.
Once we find what we need, we can do the work needed to find peace.
Hugs
Your situation is a little different because you are still living in a very "raw" situation and have probably been trying hard to process so many really difficult emotions over the past while. It wouldn't take much to trigger anyone in that situation. You are angry at addiction, at your husband's inability to find and maintain sobriety, and probably at anything anywhere that has anything to do with drugs.
And...it's okay. Your anger is valid and justified and the fact that you ARE processing it is good. It may be misdirected but heck, I'd misdirect at a dealer too. Dealers may not cause the problem but they provide fuel for the fire and I say that knowing my own son has dealt drugs himself, maybe not in a big way but any dealing at all still provided the fuel to somebody's loved one's addiction.
I struggle with processing anger and resentment. I KNOW they need to be dealt with and to let them sit is like holding poison inside that will cause my pain to fester and grow. Time helps, walking and exercise help, praying helps, but I wish I had something that worked...faster.
It's good to look at our behaviour and decide what we need to do to feel better about ourselves.
Once we find what we need, we can do the work needed to find peace.
Hugs
Last edited by Ann; 02-15-2014 at 04:00 AM.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm afraid I'm not enlightened enough to provide you with any insight, LMN. I can relate that you certainly are not alone in your anger...my stepdaughter told the story recently of wanting to run over her brother's crack dealer with her car last time she saw him!
I hope today is a bit brighter for you!
I hope today is a bit brighter for you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Sista, I'm not sure how your anger was misplaced.
Let me see, you don't like him,
because of who he is.
He should probably know that, but he pushed the envelope.
You reacted.
Just because we are in recovery does not mean we dont' get to have feelings.
It's not like you ran him down with your car.
Maybe your reaction was appropriate to the situation. I don't think you caused him much distress, but clearly there is a lot of distress for you, because of a reaction that was probably appropriate. I mean I dont' see any reason why you should have greeted him with open arms.
I think we analyze too much sometimes. I know I do.
Let me see, you don't like him,
because of who he is.
He should probably know that, but he pushed the envelope.
You reacted.
Just because we are in recovery does not mean we dont' get to have feelings.
It's not like you ran him down with your car.
Maybe your reaction was appropriate to the situation. I don't think you caused him much distress, but clearly there is a lot of distress for you, because of a reaction that was probably appropriate. I mean I dont' see any reason why you should have greeted him with open arms.
I think we analyze too much sometimes. I know I do.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you for your replies and thoughts.
I don't regret my reaction to seeing him. I just can't believe after all this time, I ran into him when I am finally getting ready to leave.
Come Monday, I will be packing and cleaning out the house. Fortunately, I have an old friend coming over to help me who is awesome at packing and moving. My husband will get paid on Monday and hopefully leave. He has been sleeping on the couch, not talking to me and I am at peace with that. There is nothing left to say, I know he is using and I really don't want any drama. There was a time, the silence would be killing me but today I can really appreciate it. The few times we had to speak, his attitude was ugly and I know he wants to believe I am to blame. He has to, it's the only way he can protect his addiction.
I hope to out by the end of February, weather permitting. Last night, I discovered my refrigerated bit the dust. Damn, I knew that was coming.....I wish it could have just held out for 2 more weeks. Oh well, the symbolism is not lost. So many things are breaking, will not be fixed or replaced.....just like my marriage and it's time to get new.
My sister thinks I ran into that guy to remind me what I thought was real was just an illusion. My husband (and I) were living a lie. A dark, evil force (addiction) was already permeating my world and I had no idea and that guy (dark skinned) was the symbolism I needed to remember. The real betrayal was by my husband, not anyone else.
I don't regret my reaction to seeing him. I just can't believe after all this time, I ran into him when I am finally getting ready to leave.
Come Monday, I will be packing and cleaning out the house. Fortunately, I have an old friend coming over to help me who is awesome at packing and moving. My husband will get paid on Monday and hopefully leave. He has been sleeping on the couch, not talking to me and I am at peace with that. There is nothing left to say, I know he is using and I really don't want any drama. There was a time, the silence would be killing me but today I can really appreciate it. The few times we had to speak, his attitude was ugly and I know he wants to believe I am to blame. He has to, it's the only way he can protect his addiction.
I hope to out by the end of February, weather permitting. Last night, I discovered my refrigerated bit the dust. Damn, I knew that was coming.....I wish it could have just held out for 2 more weeks. Oh well, the symbolism is not lost. So many things are breaking, will not be fixed or replaced.....just like my marriage and it's time to get new.
My sister thinks I ran into that guy to remind me what I thought was real was just an illusion. My husband (and I) were living a lie. A dark, evil force (addiction) was already permeating my world and I had no idea and that guy (dark skinned) was the symbolism I needed to remember. The real betrayal was by my husband, not anyone else.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sending hugs and hoping you can remain at peace through this transition.
Dang fridges anyway, as if your life isn't broken enough.
Now if you lived in the north you wouldn't need a fridge, you could just set your stuff out in the snow.
Maybe trade the couch for a fridge, he can sleep on the floor.
Dang fridges anyway, as if your life isn't broken enough.
Now if you lived in the north you wouldn't need a fridge, you could just set your stuff out in the snow.
Maybe trade the couch for a fridge, he can sleep on the floor.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Wow, God is so awesome!! I completely understand now why I ran into him.
My husband is now trying to avoid the consequences of his choices, keep his addiction alive and pulling out all the tried and true manipulation tactics. He is even throwing in the rehab card. That's a new one. His desperation is so transparent.
I have to laugh at how he tried to use the word "we". "We were supposed to be married for life, we this and we that. Hey honey, the only "we" - we had was you and your addiction. There is no "we" in addiction. There is only an "I" and a "dic"
Seeing that "man" yesterday brought me out of what little denial was left. My husband betrayed me, he used me, he lied to me, and I was nothing more then collateral damage.....all in the name of addiction.
I can not wait to be long gone and really heal from all this in a healthy way. But truthfully, I feel strong and I feel pretty darn good!! Counting the days until I am free.
My husband is now trying to avoid the consequences of his choices, keep his addiction alive and pulling out all the tried and true manipulation tactics. He is even throwing in the rehab card. That's a new one. His desperation is so transparent.
I have to laugh at how he tried to use the word "we". "We were supposed to be married for life, we this and we that. Hey honey, the only "we" - we had was you and your addiction. There is no "we" in addiction. There is only an "I" and a "dic"
Seeing that "man" yesterday brought me out of what little denial was left. My husband betrayed me, he used me, he lied to me, and I was nothing more then collateral damage.....all in the name of addiction.
I can not wait to be long gone and really heal from all this in a healthy way. But truthfully, I feel strong and I feel pretty darn good!! Counting the days until I am free.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 98
I am glad you see God's message for you in that chance meeting. Sometimes I think such occurrences are not meant for us but for the other person. It is possible that the purpose of your encounter was to deliver a message to the dealer.
I have also sometimes felt that challenging situations are there to give us a chance to behave better. And that we will keep getting similar challenges until we master them.
That does not mean that you were meant to take nothing from the encounter. If I were God, I would be looking for two-fers - where both parties learned something they needed to learn.
I have also sometimes felt that challenging situations are there to give us a chance to behave better. And that we will keep getting similar challenges until we master them.
That does not mean that you were meant to take nothing from the encounter. If I were God, I would be looking for two-fers - where both parties learned something they needed to learn.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one 
LMN,
Other than drugs being illegal, would you blame your local bartender?
Other than drugs being illegal, would you blame your local bartender?
ETA - I put myself through college bar-tending and as a cocktail waitress, I never considered myself a drug dealer.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
You are angry. Not saying bitter, but angry. You lost your husband. You lost your family and maybe even your home. Your whole life has been crushed because of drugs. You told him off, good for you and who cares what he thinks. You are still healing. It takes time. Lots of time. Be good to yourself and just keep on trucking. Drugs are evil. I get really passionate about medical marijuana...I think it is just an excuse for people to smoke, and I think it is a gateway drug. Before being destroyed by addiction, I probably would have been all for it. I know what you mean though, sometimes the anger can catch one off guard. It just means you are still healing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
The question no one ever asks users (because it is rude and/or impolite) is:
"Why are you so trying to escape your reality?"
.....implying---why do you need these mood altering substances? What is it
that is missing in your life that you need to throw in the towel and obliterate
these feelings of falling short,failing, and discontent? Was it just the easiest
way out?
Like I said, these are thoughts seldom communicated because of the severe
backlash they elicit.
LMN is going through some hard times. But I know in my heart she will not
attempt to obliterate and/or ignore the harsh realities, for that is the way of
cowardice-----impulses to which my SR pal will not yield.
The end of a marriage is sad. But sadder still is being unable to say with a
full heart the words that persons of courage must always say in the end.....
"Where you are going, I cannot follow"
"Why are you so trying to escape your reality?"
.....implying---why do you need these mood altering substances? What is it
that is missing in your life that you need to throw in the towel and obliterate
these feelings of falling short,failing, and discontent? Was it just the easiest
way out?
Like I said, these are thoughts seldom communicated because of the severe
backlash they elicit.
LMN is going through some hard times. But I know in my heart she will not
attempt to obliterate and/or ignore the harsh realities, for that is the way of
cowardice-----impulses to which my SR pal will not yield.
The end of a marriage is sad. But sadder still is being unable to say with a
full heart the words that persons of courage must always say in the end.....
"Where you are going, I cannot follow"
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