Unhappy and unsure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Bridgeport, WV
Posts: 108
Unhappy and unsure
Hi SR friends! I've really been feeling down lately and wanted to reach out in the hopes that maybe others can share some words of wisdom or just a little support. I've had some great things happen for me professionally lately. I got a new job that I'm super excited (and scared) about. It doesn't start until the first week of March but I got a phone call on Monday from my former boss asking if I could help out this week with a client. It's not a lot of hours but I have the time and could really use the money.
Despite these positive steps forward for me professionally, I've really been struggling with things at home. I haven't been asking my AH about drug use any more. I've found that it doesn't do either of us any good for me to ask questions. He hasn't been honest in the past and therefore I don't trust him now. I'm not sure if he's still using any Suboxone or if he's beginning to withdraw.
I've been so hurt by his actions lately. He's been yelling a lot lately while playing play station, I despise the yelling even though it's not directed at me. He says that he's broke but he came home with beer the other day. When I questioned him about it he said he paid for it with change. That really bothered me because I had asked him earlier that day if he could pick me up a coffee and he said he didn't have any money. Today before work he was throwing a fit because he was out of cigarettes. He asked me for money and I said no. He was really upset about that. I hate cigarettes and I sure as hell don't want to pay for them especially when he's acting like a brat. He doesn't get paid again until next Thursday. He said that he didn't account for two bills that were automatically deducted from his checking account. I hate that he is so irresponsible with money. I also noticed he hasn't showered for days. So many things are really bothering me.
I'm just finding myself being so sad lately and unsure of what to do. I really wanted to go to his counseling session with him today but I had to work. I'm beginning to wonder if the counseling is doing him any good. Part of me thinks he's only doing it to look good when he goes to court. His counselor mentioned that at his last session too. Of course he denied it. I've really been considering a trial separation lately...
Despite these positive steps forward for me professionally, I've really been struggling with things at home. I haven't been asking my AH about drug use any more. I've found that it doesn't do either of us any good for me to ask questions. He hasn't been honest in the past and therefore I don't trust him now. I'm not sure if he's still using any Suboxone or if he's beginning to withdraw.
I've been so hurt by his actions lately. He's been yelling a lot lately while playing play station, I despise the yelling even though it's not directed at me. He says that he's broke but he came home with beer the other day. When I questioned him about it he said he paid for it with change. That really bothered me because I had asked him earlier that day if he could pick me up a coffee and he said he didn't have any money. Today before work he was throwing a fit because he was out of cigarettes. He asked me for money and I said no. He was really upset about that. I hate cigarettes and I sure as hell don't want to pay for them especially when he's acting like a brat. He doesn't get paid again until next Thursday. He said that he didn't account for two bills that were automatically deducted from his checking account. I hate that he is so irresponsible with money. I also noticed he hasn't showered for days. So many things are really bothering me.
I'm just finding myself being so sad lately and unsure of what to do. I really wanted to go to his counseling session with him today but I had to work. I'm beginning to wonder if the counseling is doing him any good. Part of me thinks he's only doing it to look good when he goes to court. His counselor mentioned that at his last session too. Of course he denied it. I've really been considering a trial separation lately...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
So happy for you that you found a job! It's so essential to be able to not rely on AH's for support when they need so much help themselves (professionally)
You will feel so much more empowered not needing him. It's sad to not want them around.. but let's be honest. The behaviors are draining and unhealthy.
Hugs!!
You will feel so much more empowered not needing him. It's sad to not want them around.. but let's be honest. The behaviors are draining and unhealthy.
Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would not go to his therapist, I would go to my own. I would go to find the strength to do what I need to do for me. Only you can decide how long you can keep this up. In the mean time, be kind to you.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Im just seeing your post. I think its good your in touch with your own feelings.. you've been making such positive steps, and it seems like the situation at home is bringing you down. There is so much going on with the upcoming court issue, and its a lot of stress for both of you. Not to mention the recent events and stress with his family. Do you think your headed towards emotional burnout, or maybe just need a break to see how all this unravels? I know from my own experience therapy takes time, can be stressful in itself because of digging into sometimes painful emotions, but it also requires dedication. Your probably a good judge of his level of dedication. I can only wish you peace and clarity of thought as you decide how to proceed. I was separated from my husband for a period of time; obviously it didn't mean the end for us. Sometimes its just a necessary step, and more will be revealed as time passes. Sending you good thoughts as always 
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi H4H, congratulations on the new job. Your husband's behaviour doesn't sound hopeful. You don't know if he's using, but you do know he's acting like a sulky teenager, not a responsible adult in a marriage.
Judging from his actions, he's not putting any effort into recovery or relationships, or even personal hygiene so maybe a trial separation may be the way to go.
I'm sorry this is depressing you, but it's a natural reaction. Counselling for you might be more beneficial than couples counselling. Another point to consider is that if he's not willing to be totally honest in counselling it's unlikely to be on any value to either or you.
Judging from his actions, he's not putting any effort into recovery or relationships, or even personal hygiene so maybe a trial separation may be the way to go.
I'm sorry this is depressing you, but it's a natural reaction. Counselling for you might be more beneficial than couples counselling. Another point to consider is that if he's not willing to be totally honest in counselling it's unlikely to be on any value to either or you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
As soon as I found out that my husband was using...I told him to leave. I knew it was right and I was heartbroken. It was my 2nd marriage and we had been married less than a year. I felt like a fool.
I am educated about addiction both personally and professionally. I knew the roller coaster. We cannot control or reason with the addict. I still tried.
My kids still struggle with substance abuse. I knew n that it could take years to a lifetime before an addict seeks recovery.
I kept asking myself and God "should I wait?"
I waited 2 weeks. I know....not long but I had nothing left after dealing with my kids and now I have a partner using!? Unbelievable!
I was not going to spend my days babysitting my husband and being paranoid. Life IS to short. He was out of the house yet the pain was unbearable.
I told him that it was to painful to live my life waiting in limbo. Although I sought help for myself my relationship was at a stalemate. Prior to his relapse our marriage was rocky...due to his obsessions with using.....hindsight we know this. His addict behavior had crept up on us without us naming it..months before.
When I told him that I was moving on...after our short separation I felt detached. I just didn't feel like I had time or energy to devote to a relationship to an uncaring,selfish, addict. That was who he was when he was using.
My blinders were off thanks to my kids. Perhaps that why I ripped the bandaid off so quickly.
After my announcement....the next day by God's grace he walked into work and told them he needed help. He wanted it and got it. His relapse was about 6 months total.
I guess my story is about protecting yourself...not in a mean ugly way. I was heartbroken but told my h that I loved him. I knew he hated himself..addicts do. I also knew that pain is a motivator and this would be an opportunity to remind him that he would lose his life as he knows it. He had been sober for 12 years prior to relapse.
Separation doesn't always mean divorce. It hasn't for me. Our relationship is better than ever. I received a humbled husband back. He was buried and spiritually dead but it's possible when you let go and let God. Get out of the way.
I am educated about addiction both personally and professionally. I knew the roller coaster. We cannot control or reason with the addict. I still tried.
My kids still struggle with substance abuse. I knew n that it could take years to a lifetime before an addict seeks recovery.
I kept asking myself and God "should I wait?"
I waited 2 weeks. I know....not long but I had nothing left after dealing with my kids and now I have a partner using!? Unbelievable!
I was not going to spend my days babysitting my husband and being paranoid. Life IS to short. He was out of the house yet the pain was unbearable.
I told him that it was to painful to live my life waiting in limbo. Although I sought help for myself my relationship was at a stalemate. Prior to his relapse our marriage was rocky...due to his obsessions with using.....hindsight we know this. His addict behavior had crept up on us without us naming it..months before.
When I told him that I was moving on...after our short separation I felt detached. I just didn't feel like I had time or energy to devote to a relationship to an uncaring,selfish, addict. That was who he was when he was using.
My blinders were off thanks to my kids. Perhaps that why I ripped the bandaid off so quickly.
After my announcement....the next day by God's grace he walked into work and told them he needed help. He wanted it and got it. His relapse was about 6 months total.
I guess my story is about protecting yourself...not in a mean ugly way. I was heartbroken but told my h that I loved him. I knew he hated himself..addicts do. I also knew that pain is a motivator and this would be an opportunity to remind him that he would lose his life as he knows it. He had been sober for 12 years prior to relapse.
Separation doesn't always mean divorce. It hasn't for me. Our relationship is better than ever. I received a humbled husband back. He was buried and spiritually dead but it's possible when you let go and let God. Get out of the way.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
