riverviewchick

Can someone please tell me I haven't lost my mind? I live with an addict who wont acknowledge he is one. He had lots of trouble as a kid then a young adult. Was clean for awhile then he got worse when his first marriage ended. He was in jail for two years for having too much PCP in his car that he was thought to be dealing. He got out he cleaned up he restarted his very successful home improvement business. I met him then. I was impressed with what he had done with his life, how far he had come and how he remained a sweet caring soul thru all he had been through. He moved in with my children and I after a year. He has lived with us for four years. Each year has gotten worse. I left a year ago and asked him to leave. He talked me into trying. He uses cocaine twice a week at least - that I know of b/c he brings it home and I do it too if it's here. Just to escape the horror my life has become. He smokes crack everytime and I mean everytime I am away at my parents for a weekend or sometimes even if Im only out a few hours. I know he does b/c I find copper shavings on the carpet and it's the only time he ever opens the bedroom windows and turns on the fan and remakes the bed with the pillow cases inside out b/c he has been searching the sheets for fallen pieces of crack. Pathetic. He had done other drugs in the past but I managed to convince him he looks really whacked out on PCP and he actually got scared when he saw himself so he hasn't done it in awhile. The coke is all he seems to want now and sometimes he will cook it into crack. When he does that I sleep in the other bedroom with the door locked so I won't want it to. It's the worst stuff in the world. He works and is successful at his business. He pays half the bills here. He seems to be different than a lot of the stories I read on here about folks who don't work and feed off their loved ones. He pays for everything and always takes care of himself and us. His son who is 18 has fallen to Heroin and it has taken it's toll on us this past 2 years. I used to think this was the reason. I have had my eyes opened that there will always be a reason. When I try to break it off he send me hundreds of texts telling me how horrible I am. I am worthless, a horrible mother, the reason he does drugs, a let down regarding his own son, awful things. He tells me he will happily move on if I don't want us and be with another within days. I know that's true bc he hates to be alone and has never been without a girlfriend since he was 17. He is 45. I am 47. Why can't I just tell him I don't want this anymore? Why do I feel sorry for him? Why do I think if he doesn't have me he will end up dead? Can someone relate to any of this?

Ann

My son is my addicted loved one, so I can't relate to your relationship, but crack brought my son down and he continues to spiral years later.

Please don't use cocaine yourself to ease your pain, it will bring you more pain in the end. Joining him isn't the answer and it's a dark road to follow.

Only you can make the decision of what is best for you. Can you live like this another 5 years, 10?

He may die or he may get well next week or he could just continue and get worse over many many years...and nothing you do or do not do will change his path, only he can do that.

Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum. There's a lot of helpful information there.

I am glad you found us an hope you find support and comfort here.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

He moved in with my children and I

He uses cocaine twice a week at least - that I know of b/c he brings it home and I do it too if it's here.

Just to escape the horror my life has become.

you have CHILDREN...you had them before he came along...THEY need you. god do they need one good solid parent in this chaotic world. but meanwhile you do coke WITH him in your home to "escape" that horrible life you have that includes children........YOUR children. little people who can't fend for themselves, who have NO choice whatsoever in what their life looks like, sounds like, or what their guardians are going to do....

time to wake the F up. ditch the dude and save the kids.....or vice versa.

allforcnm

I don't think you have lost your mind, because it sounds like you realize some things are not right... and your looking for answers; I think its shows a level of awareness on your part.

Its troubling to hear you feel like escaping life through the use of drugs. I feel sad when anyone gets to that point. Its exactly why my husband started using.. and that led him down a very dark road, to what we now call the "missing year". Like your friend, my husband was able to keep his career going, and even when we were separated he continued to pay his share of our home expenses. It is a bit different than many of the stories posted here, so I know what you mean. One good thing; I knew my husband would be able to financially support himself if we were separated. It would have been a lot more difficult if there was an issue of his being homeless to consider.

Has he ever admitted he has a problem? Had any type of treatment? What happens when you talk to him about your feelings regarding his using?
Best scenario is he would seek professional treatment, therapy to work through his long standing emotional issues... you can encourage him to do that, but in the end its his choice. What you do to get out of this situation is your choice.. have you ever considered seeing a therapist ? I suggest this because I worked with one, and my husband also recovered using therapy. it takes a while, but through the process the answers you seek will reveal themselves to you.

atalose

What is it about this guy that keeps you locked to a relationship you consider a horror of a life?

What's the real fear that keeps you from ending this horror?

Our happiness, our peace of mind and stability lies just on the otherside of our fears. It's figuring out those fears first before we can move forward.

I to used to believe that the addict in my life would surely die if I was not there. Guess what, he's alive and living the life he choses which will always include drugs.

There is a saying "addicts don't have relationships they take hostages". That is only true when we believe the crap they use to manipulate us. First they blame us for their problems then they threaten with emotional weapons like him telling you he'd find someone else in days, he's using your own weakness against you. Your fear of being alone and him knowing that is how he keeps you hooked.

A string healthy woman would have told him, good go find someone else and if and when he did, would then thank that woman for taking away your garbage.

Not only do YOU not deserve this your children certainly do not. So figure out what is holding you to this man and why, once you figure that out it will be easy to break away to the life you and your children deserve.

Like the monster in the closet or under the bed, the more imagination used the bigger the fears become. Shine the light of reality in the closet and under the bed the truth revels the monsters were only in our heads.

dane5679

Do not allow him and his drug use to excuse you for using. You are worth more than that- this is a slippery slope and you could end up on HIS end of this situation. Focus on your children. They DO NOT deserve to have their mother strung out also- Make a decision whether you are going allow him to take you down the drain with him. Drugs are NOT a healthy coping tool... ask any addict. Take care of yourself and the kiddos! HUGS

KeepinItReal

I have to give you credit for being honest.... and reaching out for some help.

It doesn't have to be this way forever. You can move forward. Obviously using with him is just going to 1.)make you just as bad as him, or 2.) kill you.

Drugs make you feel good momentarily... and then the **** hits the fan. You cannot be a great mom, and be a drug user. It will change your personality, and your abilities to think clearly.

This is from a former coke head. Please stop... before you are just as bad as he is... and your kids lose respect for you.

hopeful4

I have had the same feelings about my husband. Last Friday I had an anxiety attack, went to the doctor. They did not admit me but advised me stress is taking it's toll mentally and physically and eventually I will end up in the hospital. It is not worth it. I am not going to lose myself to all of this. I have kids that need me, and I need me to be the best I can be.

I hope you get support and go to meetings and a therapist to assist you in leaving this behind.

riverviewchick

Thank you to everyone who has responded to me. Especially Atalose I can't say why I am unable to break free from this man. Other than for 5 years we have been in each other's lives 100 %. His family has been mine. His children my own. What will be the stability in his little boy's life if my kids and I aren't in it? I don't think the man I am with has any other "normal" people in his life. From reading the posts on here I can see that is common. His self esteem is so low that he has always surrounded himself with people he know he is better than so he feels better about himself. That's why he has always told me how blessed he is to have me in his life - he just never pictured himself with a friendly, kind, normal woman who loves her children her family and her friends. He has never had a relationship where the person he was seeing was mature and responsible. To take that from him seems so cruel. My heart just breaks at the thought of leaving him with nothing to depend on but himself. I know he is going to realize he blew it and say and do all the right things again to try and fix it. I know I can't be taken in by that again. But is it right to give him an ultimatum? To tell him if he moves out and cleans up 100% that we could consider trying again? Or is that just asking him to do something for me and not for himself? I just don't want to say we are done if giving him something to hold onto and hope for in the future might help.

LoveMeNow

He has not been in your life 100% - other then physically. Feeling "sorry" for my husband helped contribute to his disease. This man is taking you and your kids down a very dark and scary path.

It's time to stop psychoanalyzing him and start looking at you and why you are drawn to it, like a moth to a flame. I had to keep asking what I was getting out of it. Maybe, you hit the nail on the head. Are you with him for the same reasons he chooses his friends?

It took me a long time to get this but active addicts can't love. They use us!! They are parasites And we are the hosts. Being with an active addict will suck the life out of you!!

charliesangel23

Over the past year after realizing the change in my husband wasnt a mid-life crisis, but a horrid crack addiction, I have had so many feelings. For so long, I fought with myself, I ignored the reality of the situation because I could not face the reality.
I would get mad when people would tell me I needed to leave him and he would probably not get better. But as time went on, our bank account got smaller, the lies got bigger, and the pain got so much worse. I finally realized that his addiction does not care about me. The man I knew and loved was gone and maybe forever.
The final straw for me was watching what it did to my kids. I was allowing it to happen to them but always hoping for the best. We were living in a constant state of panic and chaos.
It doesn't make things easier, in fact in my case, it got harder. But at least I know I am moving forward and hopefully to a better place. I still cry everyday and have tremendous guilt, I feel like i've abandoned him. Its a process and you will know when you've had enough!
Hang in there!
Courage for today.......hope for tomorrow!!

riverviewchick

If I tell him we are done then he will still be living here until he gets is own house. He has to have a garage to store his tools to run his business. That means him living here for maybe a few months. I don't want there to be any confusion this time about what this means. He often mistakes my kindnes for wanting to work things out when we have been at this point before. He just cannot seem to comprehend that I mean it is over when I say it. That's why I am searching for the words and questioning whether I should tell him it is 100% the drug use or all the side effects of the drug use that have been major problems. Like his intolerance of any problems, his extreme control issues and his anger. These are the things that have made me have such anxiety. No one else knows he has this drug issue to the extent he does. His brother and some friends know he does coke but do not know it is often done non recreationally. Not that he does it during the week. He never misses work, he keeps it well hidden, he makes great money. He seems fine to the outside world. I cannot reveal his secrets and ruin his life. This is a man who came into my life and started attending church with me and my family. He and his sons were baptised at my church. We have taken years of family vacations together and made so many memories that no thought in my head of my life over the past 5 years doesnt' have him in it. Everyone on here seems to say just leave its over youre done. It just isn't that easy when the past was so positive and things have gotten progressively worse. All the happy times are the memories I have and to give up on what we have built is way harder than people on here are making it out to be. He is always home, he works 55 hours weeks, he provides for his employees, he pays bills, he is kind and generous. He has a problem and to leave him feels like I am abandoning a man who is trying hard but failing at one thing. The bank account isn't getting smaller, he isn't irresponsible he is in his children's life. If he was some deadbeat there wouldn't even be a question.

LoveMeNow

Oh ok, then you just should stay with him. But do you have family members who are willing to take in the kids? No child should have to live with an addict, no adult should either but they have a choice.

FourTwentyOne

Sundaes with chocolate, strawberry and caramel sauce and a cherry on top are wonderful. Everyone loves a sundae, they are sweet and delicious; we have lots of happy memories of our childhoods when we went out to celebrate some success over a sundae.

If you leave a sundae sitting out, neglect it and forget about it, it melts, it gets thick and sticky and eventually will be nothing like what it was, it isn't good for eating, stinks up the place and chokes you when you try to wash it away.

I think perhaps you are holding onto the sundae of your past, and not realising your relationship has melted, and is stinking up your life.