Is he affecting our child?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 23
Is he affecting our child?
My partner is a drug addict, his addiction was very heavy but he has cut it down to a very minimal amount, I know as I pay for it and he basically doesn't leave the house without me. I know I am enabling, but when he doesn't get his "small amount" he gets really moody and I don't feel that the negativity is good for either my daughter or myself. I am always broke, we never have any nice things because all the spare money is spent on him. That aside my daughter's nursery have started saying that my daughter is misbehaving, they say she is anxious and angry and I too can see this. I've reflected on how I am treating my daughter and perhaps I have let her bad behaviour go because of the stress I am under with her father. I feel that my 4 year old is suffering from my enabling and from his addiction and I am going to put a stop to it. My question is are there any other mum's out there that have been in a similar situation with children? I am trying different tactics like special time just for me and her, mirroring her emotions so that she knows I am connecting to her and also setting consequences for her bad behaviour.
My daughter is starting primary school soon (September) and I don't want this behaviour to affect her making friends etc.. The nursery says that her anger is really the problem and I am trying to put it right but I just feel so guilty all the time. She loves her Dad to pieces and when he is acting normal he is brilliant with her, but when he needs his "stuff" he cannot parent properly. I so unsure of what to do because to move her Dad out will really put him on a down hill route and he might lose contact which would really have negative affects for my daughter.
I'm so confused and racked with guilt, I also don't know if I can go it alone, just me and my daughter in a house although I pay all the bills, see to her day care and work full time it's just the emotional side of investing nearly 6 years into this man, seeing him be wonderful to me one day and the next like a moody parasite that I just give money too to become normal again. He has such a problem with this stuff (he is on heroin and crack) and it's so deep seated, he says that he is going to rehab but that is just wishful thinking.
Thank you.
My daughter is starting primary school soon (September) and I don't want this behaviour to affect her making friends etc.. The nursery says that her anger is really the problem and I am trying to put it right but I just feel so guilty all the time. She loves her Dad to pieces and when he is acting normal he is brilliant with her, but when he needs his "stuff" he cannot parent properly. I so unsure of what to do because to move her Dad out will really put him on a down hill route and he might lose contact which would really have negative affects for my daughter.
I'm so confused and racked with guilt, I also don't know if I can go it alone, just me and my daughter in a house although I pay all the bills, see to her day care and work full time it's just the emotional side of investing nearly 6 years into this man, seeing him be wonderful to me one day and the next like a moody parasite that I just give money too to become normal again. He has such a problem with this stuff (he is on heroin and crack) and it's so deep seated, he says that he is going to rehab but that is just wishful thinking.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
Of course you are not able to focus on your daughter. Of course things are stressed and it's hard to pay the bills.
I am a mother of 3 wonderful little children, 6 and under. My husband is an addict. He spent a lot of time out of the house getting drugs, using drugs and avoiding being at home so he could enjoy the buz from his drugs. When he was at home he was spaced out a lot of the time, moody, irritable and or sleeping.
The kids love their father, because he is their father and they don't realize that he isn't paying attention to them the way a non-addict father might. During the times that he is at home, and not high or exhausted and drained, he has a lot of fun with them.
Most of the rest of the time he is yelling, telling the kids to get off of him and go away, or yelling at me, stomping into the bedroom or outside and slamming the door, hiding in the bathroom for an hour at a go, or hiding in the back forty, where no one can see him.
When my son, who is 6, started stomping off to his room and slamming the door, and quoting his father word for word "I don't feel welcome in this house" and "No one loves me" I realised things had gone too far.
Is he affecting your child? Darn straight he is. Every parent affects their child. Is he hurting her? Yes. No question.
If you are already paying for everything, AND his drugs, you can absolutely pay for everything without him and his drugs. You can probably afford house cleaners! LOL
You are hurting him by paying for his drugs, and treating him like a child by controlling his choices. I did the same thing. It is out of love, right? But it's wrong. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. There is some good advice up there.
I am on my 4th week being a real single parent, since AH is out of the house now. I can tell you that it is alright! I can tell you that you CAN make it without him. I can tell you it is such a wonderful feeling to see how much money is left after paying the bills, without paying for drugs. I can tell you my kids and I are feeling closer, they are behaving so much better already, and they are smiling. I am smiling too!
Do you know what I like the best? Not looking out the window to see if he is home, not rifling pockets and drawers to see if I can catch him using, not waking up at 2a.m., again, because he is still not home and wondering if he is in jail, or a ditch somewhere.
I know it is scary! As anyone here will tell you, if he is going to change, he needs to hit rock bottom. If you want to help, help him get there, and stop keeping him stuck in the cycle. Like any other major life event, you will find that it is not really so scary, or so hard, once you take that first step. Going to school was scary the first day, but you did it, and it wasn't so bad. Moving out for the first time was exciting, but scary, and look where you are, a job, a house, a wonderful daughter! This is one of those things you can't dip a toe in to test the waters, you need to take a running jump! Set your boundaries and take care of your daughter FIRST, take care of you, so you can take care of her, and allow him to start on the path to recovery. ... yours is an uphill path from here, and he still has to go down, before his road can rejoin yours.
I am a mother of 3 wonderful little children, 6 and under. My husband is an addict. He spent a lot of time out of the house getting drugs, using drugs and avoiding being at home so he could enjoy the buz from his drugs. When he was at home he was spaced out a lot of the time, moody, irritable and or sleeping.
The kids love their father, because he is their father and they don't realize that he isn't paying attention to them the way a non-addict father might. During the times that he is at home, and not high or exhausted and drained, he has a lot of fun with them.
Most of the rest of the time he is yelling, telling the kids to get off of him and go away, or yelling at me, stomping into the bedroom or outside and slamming the door, hiding in the bathroom for an hour at a go, or hiding in the back forty, where no one can see him.
When my son, who is 6, started stomping off to his room and slamming the door, and quoting his father word for word "I don't feel welcome in this house" and "No one loves me" I realised things had gone too far.
Is he affecting your child? Darn straight he is. Every parent affects their child. Is he hurting her? Yes. No question.
If you are already paying for everything, AND his drugs, you can absolutely pay for everything without him and his drugs. You can probably afford house cleaners! LOL
You are hurting him by paying for his drugs, and treating him like a child by controlling his choices. I did the same thing. It is out of love, right? But it's wrong. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. There is some good advice up there.
I am on my 4th week being a real single parent, since AH is out of the house now. I can tell you that it is alright! I can tell you that you CAN make it without him. I can tell you it is such a wonderful feeling to see how much money is left after paying the bills, without paying for drugs. I can tell you my kids and I are feeling closer, they are behaving so much better already, and they are smiling. I am smiling too!
Do you know what I like the best? Not looking out the window to see if he is home, not rifling pockets and drawers to see if I can catch him using, not waking up at 2a.m., again, because he is still not home and wondering if he is in jail, or a ditch somewhere.
I know it is scary! As anyone here will tell you, if he is going to change, he needs to hit rock bottom. If you want to help, help him get there, and stop keeping him stuck in the cycle. Like any other major life event, you will find that it is not really so scary, or so hard, once you take that first step. Going to school was scary the first day, but you did it, and it wasn't so bad. Moving out for the first time was exciting, but scary, and look where you are, a job, a house, a wonderful daughter! This is one of those things you can't dip a toe in to test the waters, you need to take a running jump! Set your boundaries and take care of your daughter FIRST, take care of you, so you can take care of her, and allow him to start on the path to recovery. ... yours is an uphill path from here, and he still has to go down, before his road can rejoin yours.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you have a choice here....keep supplying drugs to a drug addict in your home affecting your child....OR put the child first and get rid of the drug addict. would you let ANYONE ELSE in your home and allow them to use drugs? would you buy THEM drugs?
your child is already acting out. she is screaming for help. she's FOUR. she needs one loving dedicated parent who puts HER needs first, always. she is a victim of her parent's confusion and messes.
your child is already acting out. she is screaming for help. she's FOUR. she needs one loving dedicated parent who puts HER needs first, always. she is a victim of her parent's confusion and messes.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
A couple of things. I can clearly see this now in my own situation. My daughters are now 8 and 14. The worst mistake I ever made was staying. My 14 year old has resentment you would not even believe. What I am seeing now is not only do they resent him and what his behavior does to our family, they also resent me.
I am angry and resentful. I am betting when you have to take him on his little drug runs you are too. Do you think that does not wear off on your daughter? Unless something changes in your home she will grow up with this anger and resentment.
I encourage you to get therapy and to go to meetings for support for you. You deserve more than this, but ultimately your child is #1. You brought the child into this world now every decision has to be what is best for that child. Is having a father who has a "little" drug problem productive to her? I doubt that very much.
I am not trying to be harsh with you, just trying to help you see the situation in a clear manner. Why should you and your child have nothing while you give up your extra income for drugs? It really is unacceptable. I am sure you work hard. Think about how many hours you are putting in so he can go on a drug run.
Good Luck and God Bless.
I am angry and resentful. I am betting when you have to take him on his little drug runs you are too. Do you think that does not wear off on your daughter? Unless something changes in your home she will grow up with this anger and resentment.
I encourage you to get therapy and to go to meetings for support for you. You deserve more than this, but ultimately your child is #1. You brought the child into this world now every decision has to be what is best for that child. Is having a father who has a "little" drug problem productive to her? I doubt that very much.
I am not trying to be harsh with you, just trying to help you see the situation in a clear manner. Why should you and your child have nothing while you give up your extra income for drugs? It really is unacceptable. I am sure you work hard. Think about how many hours you are putting in so he can go on a drug run.
Good Luck and God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It affects children. I have a 3 and 7 year old.
You are believing that if he goes somewhere else, he will die, and it will be your fault. Your blaming yourself for his lack of caring to connect with his daughter if he leaves.
Why would this be your fault??
It is NOT your responsibility to care for a grown man. He should be contributing financially, or be responsible enough to be her care giver.. which he obviously is not.
Don't put his shortcomings on yourself. I do believe addiction is a disease HOWEVER, he can CHOOSE to get help. Which he is not. He's doing nothing.
Help does not cost 10,000 dollars. Help can be a long term live in treatment facility that you and your daughter can visit weekly. There are privately based programs, faith or science based, that will use the state to subsidize his housing and food to live in the program. You don't have to send him to passages. That's a joke.
Please think carefully about your future, and your daughters, and PUSH your husband to a long term facility for everyones better being.
Good luck.
You are believing that if he goes somewhere else, he will die, and it will be your fault. Your blaming yourself for his lack of caring to connect with his daughter if he leaves.
Why would this be your fault??
It is NOT your responsibility to care for a grown man. He should be contributing financially, or be responsible enough to be her care giver.. which he obviously is not.
Don't put his shortcomings on yourself. I do believe addiction is a disease HOWEVER, he can CHOOSE to get help. Which he is not. He's doing nothing.
Help does not cost 10,000 dollars. Help can be a long term live in treatment facility that you and your daughter can visit weekly. There are privately based programs, faith or science based, that will use the state to subsidize his housing and food to live in the program. You don't have to send him to passages. That's a joke.
Please think carefully about your future, and your daughters, and PUSH your husband to a long term facility for everyones better being.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 23
Thank you for your responses. I have put a plan together that will ensure I am no longer giving him any money. He is also off to rehab in a few weeks time and although I know he probably won't get clean the first time around he will know that there will be no more money help from me. Thank you again
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It isn't an easy road. Props to you for not giving him any money. It's not going to be easy.. and i'm sure he will pull out every trick in the book. (coming from someone who has been there)
The goal for the helpers (aka us) is not only survival but thriving. We have one precious life, and we must make the most of it. Sometimes, the addict brings us to our knees, and we just can't take anymore BS and it's the best thing that happens to US.
We change, into better people, stronger people. In my own experience. It feels good to stop feeling guilty for saying no. It took time, no doubt, but I got there.
Good luck! HUGS!!!
The goal for the helpers (aka us) is not only survival but thriving. We have one precious life, and we must make the most of it. Sometimes, the addict brings us to our knees, and we just can't take anymore BS and it's the best thing that happens to US.
We change, into better people, stronger people. In my own experience. It feels good to stop feeling guilty for saying no. It took time, no doubt, but I got there.
Good luck! HUGS!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
I have a 4 year old too. I left her dad when she was 2 1/2.
I was going nuts before leaving. Not being rational much.
I went to alanon meetings for about 5 months before leaving, it gave me the certitude
that leaving was the right thing for me. Not that it's the Alanon belief that one should
leave their drinking (using) spouse, they leave it to you to find what's right for you.
My daughter's dad is a heroin addict. Still using.
Some Alanon meetings are better than others. Many of the members in my group know
that my ex is a heroin addict and they are ok with it. The way I see it, it's the same
disease just a different drug of choice. It is my understanding that some Alanon
meetings might not make you feel welcome. I don't go to Alanon meetings to talk about
him anyway I go there to heal myself...but it felt so freeing to admit to a room full of women (my group is all women) that my partner was a heroin addict. I had been keeping the secret of his drug use. And I couldn't do it anymore.
The life after separation has been great but not always easy.
My ex is...independently wealthy? he doesn't work but has money.
In the early days of us being separated he would call me when he felt down and threaten
suicide.I would rush over, with our daughter, and try to "cheer him up".
It took me a while to refuse to be manipulated and call 911.
He would tell us he was coming over and we'd plan to go out for dinner and I wouldn't cook or buy anything and he wouldn't show up and we'd end up eating junk. I was still focused on him. It took a while for me to focus on us (my girl and myself).
Since I left I made friends. I am not as isolated. We have a pretty busy schedule.
I think my ex is learning being by himself even though he is still using.
He always had someone holding his hand and he expected them to do everything.
Lately he bought a new computer and set it all up by himself. He took his truck to the
shop and got it fixed. The other day we were visiting him and our daughter wanted to
take a bath and I offered to clean the bathroom floor while she was in the tub and he
told me he would do it himself later.He gets his own groceries too, he is responsible for
what he chooses to eat. And he cleans up too!
Small steps but I think these small steps are empowering for him.
And I feel that they give him dignity.He is an adult after all.
I know it's a very different life than what you can expect your girl's dad to have with no
money but I think that by making him leave you will also allow him the dignity to be an
adult.
I took my little girl to play therapy for a while. I got a subsidized spot for very little.
She loved it. It might help your girl too.
Her ex is still acting like a child in many ways. He is a very self-centered person.
He came by tuesday and he wanted her to give him the ceramic heart she decorated
at a craft table for family day. He even threatened her of not buying her presents
anymore because she didn't want to give it to him.
One last thing. Before I left my ex I talked to our doctor who knew about his addiction.
The doctor recommended that I do not leave our daughter alone with him ever.
I know this was advice about him but I would say maybe it applies to other drug addicts and their children?
I was going nuts before leaving. Not being rational much.
I went to alanon meetings for about 5 months before leaving, it gave me the certitude
that leaving was the right thing for me. Not that it's the Alanon belief that one should
leave their drinking (using) spouse, they leave it to you to find what's right for you.
My daughter's dad is a heroin addict. Still using.
Some Alanon meetings are better than others. Many of the members in my group know
that my ex is a heroin addict and they are ok with it. The way I see it, it's the same
disease just a different drug of choice. It is my understanding that some Alanon
meetings might not make you feel welcome. I don't go to Alanon meetings to talk about
him anyway I go there to heal myself...but it felt so freeing to admit to a room full of women (my group is all women) that my partner was a heroin addict. I had been keeping the secret of his drug use. And I couldn't do it anymore.
The life after separation has been great but not always easy.
My ex is...independently wealthy? he doesn't work but has money.
In the early days of us being separated he would call me when he felt down and threaten
suicide.I would rush over, with our daughter, and try to "cheer him up".
It took me a while to refuse to be manipulated and call 911.
He would tell us he was coming over and we'd plan to go out for dinner and I wouldn't cook or buy anything and he wouldn't show up and we'd end up eating junk. I was still focused on him. It took a while for me to focus on us (my girl and myself).
Since I left I made friends. I am not as isolated. We have a pretty busy schedule.
I think my ex is learning being by himself even though he is still using.
He always had someone holding his hand and he expected them to do everything.
Lately he bought a new computer and set it all up by himself. He took his truck to the
shop and got it fixed. The other day we were visiting him and our daughter wanted to
take a bath and I offered to clean the bathroom floor while she was in the tub and he
told me he would do it himself later.He gets his own groceries too, he is responsible for
what he chooses to eat. And he cleans up too!
Small steps but I think these small steps are empowering for him.
And I feel that they give him dignity.He is an adult after all.
I know it's a very different life than what you can expect your girl's dad to have with no
money but I think that by making him leave you will also allow him the dignity to be an
adult.
I took my little girl to play therapy for a while. I got a subsidized spot for very little.
She loved it. It might help your girl too.
Her ex is still acting like a child in many ways. He is a very self-centered person.
He came by tuesday and he wanted her to give him the ceramic heart she decorated
at a craft table for family day. He even threatened her of not buying her presents
anymore because she didn't want to give it to him.
One last thing. Before I left my ex I talked to our doctor who knew about his addiction.
The doctor recommended that I do not leave our daughter alone with him ever.
I know this was advice about him but I would say maybe it applies to other drug addicts and their children?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That's a good boundary to make and one you will need to muster all your courage and strength to keep. As soon as he begins to make your life more miserable and wanting money for his drugs, it's easy to just give in to stop the madness.
If he actually does go to rehab, that would be a good time for you to seek help with your codependency which in turn will help your daughter. And especially since you are already thinking rehab is not going to work for him.
Growing up with a parent that is an addict and the other parent codependent on the relationship is not normal or healthy for your daughter. It's like you have a choice regarding how your daughter grows up, either to repeat this cycle and she be involved with an addict or alcoholic herself one day because that is what was normal in her world. Or she learns to grow up being a strong independent woman who will not accept un-acceptable behavior from anyone.
If he actually does go to rehab, that would be a good time for you to seek help with your codependency which in turn will help your daughter. And especially since you are already thinking rehab is not going to work for him.
Growing up with a parent that is an addict and the other parent codependent on the relationship is not normal or healthy for your daughter. It's like you have a choice regarding how your daughter grows up, either to repeat this cycle and she be involved with an addict or alcoholic herself one day because that is what was normal in her world. Or she learns to grow up being a strong independent woman who will not accept un-acceptable behavior from anyone.
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