Control Issues with Others as well?
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Control Issues with Others as well?
I was reading the thread" Boundary Issues with Others as well ?"
I was wondering the same thing about "control" issues?
If there's a tendency to try to control the addict in your life, does that carry forward into other relationships?
knowing whats best for them, imagining you know what their thinking and feeling, or what they need to be thinking or feeling, what actions should be taken, judging if another person is doing it right, becoming upset if they dont follow your advice or suggestions or do it your way, taking it personally, feeling like they are rejecting you and not your ideas, believing your ideas are right for everyone, saying your opinion multiple times to try to be heard, rejecting other peoples opinions and thoughts if they dont match yours and even insulting them, find yourself wanting to be the only voice in someone ear?
Im asking because with the boundary question its almost like saying we have to set boundaries to keep people from interfering with our lives. we recognize we are important and have our own thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires.
But people also try to control the addict, and Ive heard a lot of shares here about the great lengths they went to trying to do this. This is the opposite concept NOT recognizing other people are important, have their own thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires. I also dont want to offend anyone but I feel like it happens here on the forum. I figure it must happen in face to face situations also with friends, family, coworkers , acquaintances met along the way.
I dont know if the need to control others is a boundary restriction placed on self ? I feel like it would be because what brings about the controlling behaviors is internal not external.
Im sure this question is harder to talk about than the need for boundaries to protect yourself, this is saying your infringing on others and although both can have denial involved, I think this behavior might be harder for some to admit.
Thoughts?
I was wondering the same thing about "control" issues?
If there's a tendency to try to control the addict in your life, does that carry forward into other relationships?
knowing whats best for them, imagining you know what their thinking and feeling, or what they need to be thinking or feeling, what actions should be taken, judging if another person is doing it right, becoming upset if they dont follow your advice or suggestions or do it your way, taking it personally, feeling like they are rejecting you and not your ideas, believing your ideas are right for everyone, saying your opinion multiple times to try to be heard, rejecting other peoples opinions and thoughts if they dont match yours and even insulting them, find yourself wanting to be the only voice in someone ear?
Im asking because with the boundary question its almost like saying we have to set boundaries to keep people from interfering with our lives. we recognize we are important and have our own thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires.
But people also try to control the addict, and Ive heard a lot of shares here about the great lengths they went to trying to do this. This is the opposite concept NOT recognizing other people are important, have their own thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires. I also dont want to offend anyone but I feel like it happens here on the forum. I figure it must happen in face to face situations also with friends, family, coworkers , acquaintances met along the way.
I dont know if the need to control others is a boundary restriction placed on self ? I feel like it would be because what brings about the controlling behaviors is internal not external.
Im sure this question is harder to talk about than the need for boundaries to protect yourself, this is saying your infringing on others and although both can have denial involved, I think this behavior might be harder for some to admit.
Thoughts?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I noticed this during group homework asignments in high school. I would put out 90% of the effort to be sure we got that A. I didn't trust my classmates at all to do anything right, and over criticized them too. I don't work well in groups as an adult, and it all boils down to control. Of course I always find a flaw in the other person, its never been about me or my control issues... at least until I started working the steps.
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Originally Posted by BlueChair 
If there's a tendency to try to control the addict in your life, does that carry forward into other relationships?
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Join Date: May 2012
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Its a great question Blue.
I don't think Ive tried to control my husband, or his addiction/recovery. I do feel like Ive been open to share my feelings, but that's about it; and Im happy we have a relationship where its open to do that.
I do have some control issues with my employees. I often find its easier just to do it myself than have to explain how I want things done. Its funny though now that I have my son, and I have less time.. I don't worry about the details quite so much. I can look at something, and unless there is some specific requirement it be done a certain way; I can just say ok, looks good. Ive also found it gives me more room to look at how someone else does something and Ive found often, well that was a good idea. why didn't I think of that.
So Im making progress.
At home, I feel like my husband and I sort of have our areas... like I do control the kitchen for the most part. I remember when we moved in, there were decisions where to place things and we talked about it. Mostly he didn't care, so it wasn't a big deal. But he has more imput in other areas of the house and while I can say I would change things up a little, I let it go because that's what you do in a marriage - compromise.
My son... He is only 2 but I find myself being aware of how easy it is do things for him instead of letting him try. I make an effort to let him learn, but I never try to push him, not at this age. I want learning to be fun, and I see him wanting to learn things, or try things on his own, and Im actually proud of him for that . I don't think it will get easier as he gets older. But I think I was lucky, with my parents they always talked through things. When I was a teen they had rules, but they would explain why, and if I disagreed we would discuss so I understood their reasoning. I think that's a great way to do things and what I hope to do with my son.
With other people, I try state my opinion, or share my knowledge and ideas once. I don't really get involved with what other people do; I don't feel obligated to save people, rescue them, or hope they agree with me. I don't take it personally if people disagree with me, or get all riled up over it.
I think my biggest struggle would be work issues like I described above. Letting go of some of the control, possibly what helped me with this was when my husband was in rehab and I moved for about 6 weeks to be near where he was so we could do marriage counseling together, etc. I had to hire a manager to fill in for me. It was hard to put trust in someone, especially since I didn't have time to get to know them or their work. But you know what it turned out ok, and I wouldn't have traded having that opportunity with my husband for much of anything.
I don't think Ive tried to control my husband, or his addiction/recovery. I do feel like Ive been open to share my feelings, but that's about it; and Im happy we have a relationship where its open to do that.
I do have some control issues with my employees. I often find its easier just to do it myself than have to explain how I want things done. Its funny though now that I have my son, and I have less time.. I don't worry about the details quite so much. I can look at something, and unless there is some specific requirement it be done a certain way; I can just say ok, looks good. Ive also found it gives me more room to look at how someone else does something and Ive found often, well that was a good idea. why didn't I think of that.
So Im making progress.
At home, I feel like my husband and I sort of have our areas... like I do control the kitchen for the most part. I remember when we moved in, there were decisions where to place things and we talked about it. Mostly he didn't care, so it wasn't a big deal. But he has more imput in other areas of the house and while I can say I would change things up a little, I let it go because that's what you do in a marriage - compromise.
My son... He is only 2 but I find myself being aware of how easy it is do things for him instead of letting him try. I make an effort to let him learn, but I never try to push him, not at this age. I want learning to be fun, and I see him wanting to learn things, or try things on his own, and Im actually proud of him for that . I don't think it will get easier as he gets older. But I think I was lucky, with my parents they always talked through things. When I was a teen they had rules, but they would explain why, and if I disagreed we would discuss so I understood their reasoning. I think that's a great way to do things and what I hope to do with my son.
With other people, I try state my opinion, or share my knowledge and ideas once. I don't really get involved with what other people do; I don't feel obligated to save people, rescue them, or hope they agree with me. I don't take it personally if people disagree with me, or get all riled up over it.
I think my biggest struggle would be work issues like I described above. Letting go of some of the control, possibly what helped me with this was when my husband was in rehab and I moved for about 6 weeks to be near where he was so we could do marriage counseling together, etc. I had to hire a manager to fill in for me. It was hard to put trust in someone, especially since I didn't have time to get to know them or their work. But you know what it turned out ok, and I wouldn't have traded having that opportunity with my husband for much of anything.
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I was reading yesterday how control issues in people often start in childhood especially if there was a lack of structure in the home, chaos, or some type of trauma where the person felt abandoned, or made to become helpless when they were children, or it can happen later in life. In those situations people often adopt internal strategies like control and manipulation as an attempt to make themselves feel safe in their environment and around other people. A lot of it then might come down to fear and having something broken inside, never fixed.
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I try and think of the hula-hoop analogy, and it goes hand in hand with boundaries. I stay inside my hula-hoop and you stay inside yours. For me, controlling others or attempting to do so is crossing what should be ( and may be) their boundary.
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Originally Posted by BlueChair
I was reading the thread" Boundary Issues with Others as well ?"
I was wondering the same thing about "control" issues?
If there's a tendency to try to control the addict in your life, does that carry forward into other relationships?
knowing whats best for them, imagining you know what their thinking and feeling, or what they need to be thinking or feeling, what actions should be taken, judging if another person is doing it right, becoming upset if they dont follow your advice or suggestions or do it your way, taking it personally, feeling like they are rejecting you and not your ideas, believing your ideas are right for everyone, saying your opinion multiple times to try to be heard, rejecting other peoples opinions and thoughts if they dont match yours and even insulting them, find yourself wanting to be the only voice in someone ear?
Im asking because with the boundary question its almost like saying we have to set boundaries to keep people from interfering with our lives. we recognize we are important and have our own thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires.
But people also try to control the addict, and Ive heard a lot of shares here about the great lengths they went to trying to do this. This is the opposite concept NOT recognizing other people are important, have their own thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires. I also dont want to offend anyone but I feel like it happens here on the forum. I figure it must happen in face to face situations also with friends, family, coworkers , acquaintances met along the way.
I dont know if the need to control others is a boundary restriction placed on self ? I feel like it would be because what brings about the controlling behaviors is internal not external.
Im sure this question is harder to talk about than the need for boundaries to protect yourself, this is saying your infringing on others and although both can have denial involved, I think this behavior might be harder for some to admit.
Thoughts?
I was wondering the same thing about "control" issues?
If there's a tendency to try to control the addict in your life, does that carry forward into other relationships?
knowing whats best for them, imagining you know what their thinking and feeling, or what they need to be thinking or feeling, what actions should be taken, judging if another person is doing it right, becoming upset if they dont follow your advice or suggestions or do it your way, taking it personally, feeling like they are rejecting you and not your ideas, believing your ideas are right for everyone, saying your opinion multiple times to try to be heard, rejecting other peoples opinions and thoughts if they dont match yours and even insulting them, find yourself wanting to be the only voice in someone ear?
Im asking because with the boundary question its almost like saying we have to set boundaries to keep people from interfering with our lives. we recognize we are important and have our own thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires.
But people also try to control the addict, and Ive heard a lot of shares here about the great lengths they went to trying to do this. This is the opposite concept NOT recognizing other people are important, have their own thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires. I also dont want to offend anyone but I feel like it happens here on the forum. I figure it must happen in face to face situations also with friends, family, coworkers , acquaintances met along the way.
I dont know if the need to control others is a boundary restriction placed on self ? I feel like it would be because what brings about the controlling behaviors is internal not external.
Im sure this question is harder to talk about than the need for boundaries to protect yourself, this is saying your infringing on others and although both can have denial involved, I think this behavior might be harder for some to admit.
Thoughts?
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