First time
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 6
First time
Hi everyone. I've been reading some of your threads and it's been lovely to see the support and advice you give each other.
This is the first time I've really written or spoken about my problem other than to my inlaws.
My husband started to take drugs around 5years ago when his parents divorced (although I can't 100% sure this is true). We've only been married a little bit longer than that. We have 2 young children. I always knew my DH was a bit strange but it never occurred to me that he could be taking drugs. In hindsight so much fits now I know (I just found out onths ago when he came crying to me begging for help to stop).
I surprised myself with how well I took the bombshell. I did tell his mother and brother because I knew that they would give him unconditional love and support which could only be helpful. In the last onths after finding out, I've realised how hurt I actually am. Unfortunately despite my best efforts, my sad face and disappointment is obvious and I think the guilt really bothers DH. The guilt turns him into a crazy man. He shouts and screams at me and the kids, he is physically violent (not to is but the furniture has had it). He couldn't cope with the cold turkey withdrawal. He has since had 3 slip ups and is due to enter rehab for 28days starting tomorrow. I'm really struggling with my emotions and I know that isn't helping DH. What astounds me thought is how he blames me for everything. He says my negativity drives him to take more drugs. When I tell him not to shout at the kids he complains I am undermining him. The list is endless of frustrating situations that I find myself in on a daily basis. I could genuinely be minding my own business and still manage to get myself into trouble. Unfortunately I have found myself hating him. I haven't told him this because to be honest he hates himself far more than I could ever hate him. I am so glad he is leaving tomorrow. More because I can't bare to live with him rather than anything else.
I am so worried about what will happen when he returns. I desperately worry about what I will do if he slips up. The guilt and disappointment will destroy him and once again me and the kids will likely get the brunt of it. I also worry about not wanting to be with him if he continues to slip up. I think I'm still in shock 7months on that this has happened to me! I am the most sensible person in the world. I can't even tolerate smoking, I have a good job and take so much care to bring my kids up in a well rounded manner. It couldn't have been a worse place to put a drug addict.
I purposely haven't told my family because of the implications. Firstly I cannot put my parents through the sleepless nights, they are getting old and the stress would likely kill them. I can't tell my siblings because they wouldn't send their children back here in a hurry (and it means so much to my kids to see their cousins so regularly). And there are no friends I can tell without the risk of them judging him. And to be honest I don't have friends in this situation so they can't help me. My inlaws have been supportive to me most of the time but I know my mother in law is struggling.
I have been looking at face to face family support groups. I want to attend a couple whilst he is in rehab because I just have so many feelings like anger and hate that I need to channel otherwise he may come out of rehab feeling all positive but I will still be harbouring feelings of betrayal and fear of him relapsing. Neither of which are going to be helpful to his recovery.
I'm not sure why I'm posting here today. I think its because I've realised today has to be the first step of my rehab too. I need my therapy to over come what his behaviour has done to me. I feel so soul destroyed, I feel so hurt, I feel so angry that he is messing my children up. I honestly feel like I wish they would keep him in there forever and he didn't need to come home. I know that's my emotions talking but I just have bottles up so much it's the first time I can speak honestly.
I would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in my shoes and who can help me through this totally unexpected crisis.
Thank you and I really pray for all of you who are suffering. I hope that all your troubles go away and your lived ones get the strength to recover.
Thank you for reading x
This is the first time I've really written or spoken about my problem other than to my inlaws.
My husband started to take drugs around 5years ago when his parents divorced (although I can't 100% sure this is true). We've only been married a little bit longer than that. We have 2 young children. I always knew my DH was a bit strange but it never occurred to me that he could be taking drugs. In hindsight so much fits now I know (I just found out onths ago when he came crying to me begging for help to stop).
I surprised myself with how well I took the bombshell. I did tell his mother and brother because I knew that they would give him unconditional love and support which could only be helpful. In the last onths after finding out, I've realised how hurt I actually am. Unfortunately despite my best efforts, my sad face and disappointment is obvious and I think the guilt really bothers DH. The guilt turns him into a crazy man. He shouts and screams at me and the kids, he is physically violent (not to is but the furniture has had it). He couldn't cope with the cold turkey withdrawal. He has since had 3 slip ups and is due to enter rehab for 28days starting tomorrow. I'm really struggling with my emotions and I know that isn't helping DH. What astounds me thought is how he blames me for everything. He says my negativity drives him to take more drugs. When I tell him not to shout at the kids he complains I am undermining him. The list is endless of frustrating situations that I find myself in on a daily basis. I could genuinely be minding my own business and still manage to get myself into trouble. Unfortunately I have found myself hating him. I haven't told him this because to be honest he hates himself far more than I could ever hate him. I am so glad he is leaving tomorrow. More because I can't bare to live with him rather than anything else.
I am so worried about what will happen when he returns. I desperately worry about what I will do if he slips up. The guilt and disappointment will destroy him and once again me and the kids will likely get the brunt of it. I also worry about not wanting to be with him if he continues to slip up. I think I'm still in shock 7months on that this has happened to me! I am the most sensible person in the world. I can't even tolerate smoking, I have a good job and take so much care to bring my kids up in a well rounded manner. It couldn't have been a worse place to put a drug addict.
I purposely haven't told my family because of the implications. Firstly I cannot put my parents through the sleepless nights, they are getting old and the stress would likely kill them. I can't tell my siblings because they wouldn't send their children back here in a hurry (and it means so much to my kids to see their cousins so regularly). And there are no friends I can tell without the risk of them judging him. And to be honest I don't have friends in this situation so they can't help me. My inlaws have been supportive to me most of the time but I know my mother in law is struggling.
I have been looking at face to face family support groups. I want to attend a couple whilst he is in rehab because I just have so many feelings like anger and hate that I need to channel otherwise he may come out of rehab feeling all positive but I will still be harbouring feelings of betrayal and fear of him relapsing. Neither of which are going to be helpful to his recovery.
I'm not sure why I'm posting here today. I think its because I've realised today has to be the first step of my rehab too. I need my therapy to over come what his behaviour has done to me. I feel so soul destroyed, I feel so hurt, I feel so angry that he is messing my children up. I honestly feel like I wish they would keep him in there forever and he didn't need to come home. I know that's my emotions talking but I just have bottles up so much it's the first time I can speak honestly.
I would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in my shoes and who can help me through this totally unexpected crisis.
Thank you and I really pray for all of you who are suffering. I hope that all your troubles go away and your lived ones get the strength to recover.
Thank you for reading x
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Island Park , NY
Posts: 373
Hey SIJ, I am an alcoholic in recovery. Unlike you my other half owned a bar that I happened to go into by chance, we fell in love ! We were best friends first, hell I slept in her King sized bed for 6-8 months but never crossed the line, here we are 34 years later!She was a enabler, I was a taker! Not meaning I used her but my alcohlism was helped by her and the bar, we had a great run but now I must stop! For me first , then for her! Your DH has to find that and I fear for you as that violence BS can lead to danger for you and your children! I also would get into alcoholic rages and punch holes or run knives thru the sheetrock or break doors always inanimate objects that I ended up having to fix the next day! I don't know your DH, but one mistake could prove very bad! A firm telling him NO and meaning it, and having a plan to escape him is in order. Your inlaws have to support and understand this, and he must also for all of your sakes! You seem like a caring and reponsible person , but you can reach your breaking point too, try not to harbor bad thoughts. But on the other hand , you must convey to him that you CANNOT put up with anymore of his crap, it is his problem don't allow him to make it yours anymore than it already is! Stay Strong and Well ! Bobby
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 6
Thank you bobby. I can definitely relate the the enabler and taker scenario. I always had the good job and the motivation to make things happen.
Yes the physical violence is a pain. Naturally he blames me for it as I wound him up in the first place. That is one of the thinks I really hope they tackle in rehab-it's very disheartening to constantly hear that his bad behaviour is your fault. I totally understand that i could be happy and positive 100% of the time but I do have a home to run and children to look after so I can't always be worrying myself abt his over sensitivity.
I think once he is in rehab and much calmer, I will have to explain to him the limits. Although, once he looses it, is it enough to end a marriage? A punched door on a road to recovery is expected isn't it? I am weary of planning how much to take in advance incase I'm almost waiting for this to go wrong.
DH came crying to me 7months ago as he was desperate for help. He wants to stop and in the 7months has gone a few weeks at a time but struggles to maintain.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's given me something to think about. I wish you the best of luck in your journey
Yes the physical violence is a pain. Naturally he blames me for it as I wound him up in the first place. That is one of the thinks I really hope they tackle in rehab-it's very disheartening to constantly hear that his bad behaviour is your fault. I totally understand that i could be happy and positive 100% of the time but I do have a home to run and children to look after so I can't always be worrying myself abt his over sensitivity.
I think once he is in rehab and much calmer, I will have to explain to him the limits. Although, once he looses it, is it enough to end a marriage? A punched door on a road to recovery is expected isn't it? I am weary of planning how much to take in advance incase I'm almost waiting for this to go wrong.
DH came crying to me 7months ago as he was desperate for help. He wants to stop and in the 7months has gone a few weeks at a time but struggles to maintain.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's given me something to think about. I wish you the best of luck in your journey
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I can relate. Its like the world has shifted, the ground has moved. Hard to tell up from down? I found out about my husbands addiction 7 months ago. He admitted his cocaine use and told me he would stop, I believed him because I didn’t understand how hard it is once it becomes an addiction.
Like your husband mine couldn’t do it alone, went into rehab after a horrible binge that almost killed him. I can relate to a lot of what you shared here. He told me he was overcome with guilt, regret over using and things he did, over not stopping when he promised me he would. He hid his habit for over 2 months before I found out. Guilt, shame, regret drove him to use more because the drugs numbed his feelings and he couldn’t handle the pain.
I have my own emotions and been working with a counselor from his rehab for months now. She’s helping me examine my feelings, because like you said, we may outwardly show one emotion like anger, but inside its being fueled by fear, or grief. Im trying to figure all this out because I need to in order to have peace, healing, acceptance. I want my marriage to survive, I love my husband, we have been married about as long as you except we have no kids yet I still want them.
He came home for a visit after one month in rehab and relapsed, not on cocaine, but on another drug he had in the house. I didn’t know about it until he checked back into rehab and a drug test showed it. I handled it all wrong, called him a coward and all kinds of things I regretted later. It hurt him, and it was wrong of me to say the things I did. That is what prompted me to start counseling. I understand better now how addiction works and relapse is common in the beginning especially. He is home now and has been clean except for prescribed medications for anxiety. He's in counseling, and we also do family counseling together. Its sometimes hard, but it helps with the healing of self and marriage.
Not very many people know about my husbands addiction. His parents, my parents and a couple very close relatives, a few of his close friends, and a couple of mine. That’s it. None of my friends know about addiction but in most ways it doesn’t matter because they know me, and they listen to me and want to support me. I gave them information about addiction so they could learn and we’ve had many talks. I think you need the support of select family members and friends if possible.
Im around if you ever want to talk or compare feelings. Just the other day I started threads about feelings: acceptance, anger, grief, fear, denial and Im sure there will be more. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ceptance.html? Their working concepts as I go through my counseling and organize my emotions and thoughts. Your welcome to share your own feelings on the threads, their for everyone. Im hoping it helps me walk through my feelings and get to the other side. You will get there too, but it takes time I think, and we have to give ourselves that gift.
Like your husband mine couldn’t do it alone, went into rehab after a horrible binge that almost killed him. I can relate to a lot of what you shared here. He told me he was overcome with guilt, regret over using and things he did, over not stopping when he promised me he would. He hid his habit for over 2 months before I found out. Guilt, shame, regret drove him to use more because the drugs numbed his feelings and he couldn’t handle the pain.
I have my own emotions and been working with a counselor from his rehab for months now. She’s helping me examine my feelings, because like you said, we may outwardly show one emotion like anger, but inside its being fueled by fear, or grief. Im trying to figure all this out because I need to in order to have peace, healing, acceptance. I want my marriage to survive, I love my husband, we have been married about as long as you except we have no kids yet I still want them.
He came home for a visit after one month in rehab and relapsed, not on cocaine, but on another drug he had in the house. I didn’t know about it until he checked back into rehab and a drug test showed it. I handled it all wrong, called him a coward and all kinds of things I regretted later. It hurt him, and it was wrong of me to say the things I did. That is what prompted me to start counseling. I understand better now how addiction works and relapse is common in the beginning especially. He is home now and has been clean except for prescribed medications for anxiety. He's in counseling, and we also do family counseling together. Its sometimes hard, but it helps with the healing of self and marriage.
Not very many people know about my husbands addiction. His parents, my parents and a couple very close relatives, a few of his close friends, and a couple of mine. That’s it. None of my friends know about addiction but in most ways it doesn’t matter because they know me, and they listen to me and want to support me. I gave them information about addiction so they could learn and we’ve had many talks. I think you need the support of select family members and friends if possible.
Im around if you ever want to talk or compare feelings. Just the other day I started threads about feelings: acceptance, anger, grief, fear, denial and Im sure there will be more. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ceptance.html? Their working concepts as I go through my counseling and organize my emotions and thoughts. Your welcome to share your own feelings on the threads, their for everyone. Im hoping it helps me walk through my feelings and get to the other side. You will get there too, but it takes time I think, and we have to give ourselves that gift.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Jjj111 thank you for reading my post and commenting. The way I look at it is that this step into rehab is the first time he has really had treatment since quitting 7months ago. I feel like I'm not giving him a chance to treat his disease so to tell him he can't come home because I don't like him shouting at us and punching doors seems like I'm looking at it too superficially and not bearing in mind he has an illness which he deserves one chance at treating properly.
If I told him not to come home after rehab, I would be ending a marriage, my children would be without a father. It's no small thing. I don't think at this stage without even waiting to see what he is like after rehab , I can be 100% sure in the future that I didn't act prematurely. I need to end it at a time where I can be confident that I did the right thing by myself and my children (and him).
If I told him not to come home after rehab, I would be ending a marriage, my children would be without a father. It's no small thing. I don't think at this stage without even waiting to see what he is like after rehab , I can be 100% sure in the future that I didn't act prematurely. I need to end it at a time where I can be confident that I did the right thing by myself and my children (and him).
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Dear blue chair. It was so comforting to read your story. Thank you for being so honest. It's so sad that this is what we have in common. At what stage is your husband now? My husband went in to rehab today.
Where do you live-are you in the UK? Thank you for offering your help. I may need to take you up on it some time
xxx also wanted to ask do you pay for the councelling sessions you are having?
Where do you live-are you in the UK? Thank you for offering your help. I may need to take you up on it some time
xxx also wanted to ask do you pay for the councelling sessions you are having?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by SIJ 
Dear blue chair. It was so comforting to read your story. Thank you for being so honest. It's so sad that this is what we have in common. At what stage is your husband now? My husband went in to rehab today.
Where do you live-are you in the UK? Thank you for offering your help. I may need to take you up on it some time xxx also wanted to ask do you pay for the councelling sessions you are having?
Where do you live-are you in the UK? Thank you for offering your help. I may need to take you up on it some time
xxx also wanted to ask do you pay for the councelling sessions you are having?We were in Europe for a month at the end of the year, took a holiday after he finished rehab and outpatient, but now were back in the states.
When he was considered in-patient at the rehab I got free counseling, but now they charge for each session.
How are you ? Did he get into rehab ok?
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