faith260

Hello Everyone,

I hope today is a better day for each of you. I'm new to posting but have been an on-and-off reader over the last year. Although I should know better, I've found myself in a cycle which I'm hoping .. this time.. to break free from.

I was with my ex for the last 5 years, with lots of make-ups and break-ups. I didn't know that marijuana could have such negative effects on a person and could really destroy personal and family relationships. I sought counselling a few years back because I couldn't grasp the emotional turmoil I was experiencing. I didn't know the nightmare I had found myself in. I was/am a co-dependent involved with a marijuana user.

Today, I've found myself again going through another break-up. This time, I want to be strong enough to walk away and not look back; to not answer the phone, to not buy into the sentimental sorry emails full of mis-truths and broken promises, to not give in to loneliness. Each time I let him back into my life, I kept thinking it's different this time around, he's changed. He's stopped. I find myself back in this position of being abandoned and ignored. Why do I let him back? How I can break this cycle for good?

This time, I want to leave behind all the hurt and pain and move forward. I want a better, healthier, loving, honest, trustworthy and respectful relationship. I feel it.. it's so close, it's within my grasp.

I've been seeing a psychologist and she's helping me with cognitive behavioural therapy. Is there anyone else who's had this kind of therapy? I've read so much literature on co-dependency and substance users/ abusers. What else can I do?

I hope, I pray that I can do this. There are few people I can share my pain and hurt with.

Any tips, encouraging words, references are appreciated.

Sincerely,
Faith

Txhelp

Glad that you are back and getting help for yourself.

CBT is great as it ties our feelings, thoughts and behaviors together.

It takes time to release the person we love. Unfortunately, there is no time table. Some of us take to long to let go! Some never can.

All I know is loving and addict is much pain. If he makes promises and takes action over a long period of time....then perhaps let him in.

The addicts, in my life has made promises and took action for about 3 weeks to 1 month and it goes downhill. They have a cycle. I am not in the cycle anymore. I stepped off the rollercoaster and let it glide by me for a few months. Then I will make a decision.
So far, neither has made the few month mark.

Don't get me wrong....loving and living with an addict are two different things. Loving and detaching can be done. Detaching for everyone feels different.

spiderqueen

This is me, with my ABF. I took a big step back, we live apart, I haven't seen him in over 6 months. As time goes by, I feel less and less drawn toward the likely prospect of another spin on the crazy merry go round. Time and distance are revealing all I need to know.

If there is a miracle, and he is able to maintain sobriety for a long period, and is sincerely working a program of recovery, who knows. We can revisit our relationship. But in the meantime, it makes no sense for me to stop my life and hold my breath.

Good luck, stay strong.

faith260

Thank you for your replies. Today was day 1 (again) and it was really painful. I cried right throughout the day. I couldn't believe I was back to this dark place again, alone and tired. So many mixed emotions, too ashamed to talk with my family or friends. I wish I could fast-forward the next few days...weeks. I feel gullible and stupid for having believed him... yet again. God help me walk out of this cycle forever.

SeasonlessWorld

Hi Faith
I recently broke up with an alcoholic boyfriend. We broke up nemerous times, this is the longest so far and i'm going to make it stick. I have had CBT and it helped me out of a major depression which was unrelated to my BF. it sucks and I miss him sometimes but I can't let him or his addiction steal any more of my life or my well being. I hope this helps. Take care of yourself.

faith260

Thank you SeasonlessWorld, that is how I feel too -that I've lost so much of my time, my life already. I hope this therapy will help me through this so I can walk away completely and focus on taking care of myself. You've done so well so far. I hope that as each day passes, regardless how challenging it may be, I get stronger and life gets simpler. It feels difficult to start over again, I pray and hope that I will allow time and distance to do its part. I really want something different for myself.

Ann

That's a good start, Faith, giving the burden to God and trusting Him to lead you.

Suggestions for moving forward would be to take a little time to mourn your loss...just don't hang out there too long at any one time, it's a dark deadend street.

Then make some healthy and happy plans for your future. Maybe contact some of the family and friends you have neglected and arrange to meet for a coffee or a visit and promise yourself to talk about positive things and leave the past behind on these visits.

Find a hobby that is all about you. For me it was photography which led to bird watching and some fun crafts but it can be anything where you perhaps have a special interest that can grow and be fun and will fill that time hole in your heart.

If you can, plan a little trip, it can be a day trip or longer, and get away to some place you have always wanted to visit...a museum or art gallery, a historic site, or a place of nature that calls out to you...and go.

Hike, walk and get outdoors even in winter. Sunshine will lift your spirit and fresh air will awaken your soul.

Those are just some suggestions, but you will see how not one of them relate to sadness or darkness but instead are making the small changes you want. And they don't have to cost anything, so finances don't have to hold you back.

I isolated for far too long and these things all brought me out of my shell...even when I didn't want to come out.

Make a promise to yourself to try something each day that will be all about you and lift your spirit. In no time at all, I promise, you will feel better for having done them.

Hugs

SeasonlessWorld

You're welcome Faith. I recommend the book Feeling Good, it's the CBT bible in a sense. I just started seeing a CBT based Psychologist again because of my breakup. It's been about 5 months post breakup for me and its still tough but I think he realizes that I'm not coming back this time.

A big turning point for me was when I told my family some of the things he did. I had been covering up for him. Just saying it out loud shook me awake. Keep reading and posting.

faith260

Thank you Ann and SeasonlessWorld. I really appreciate these tips especially for the next few weeks when loneliness really sets it.
I'm glad I decided to post in this forum, it has released a part of me that was bottled up. Today is better, I'm at work which is a good distraction from the thoughts and sadness I felt yesterday.
I learnt how to block his email and put away my cell for a while. As hard as it was, I want to reduce the anxiety that I feel too or reduce the compulsiveness of waiting to hear from him. I want to follow through this time and not be swayed by any apologies or promises.
Winter is usually harder for me in general, but Ann - your words are priceless reminders to me of what I can do before I sink into a depression. I've always found nature to be a great healer. I spend a lot of time outdoors when the weather is warmer, but perhaps nature in winter can provide or show me another way of healing that I have yet to experience.
SeasonlessWorld, thank you for the book reference - I will buy it. It's good to read that you are not looking back, it gives me hope that I can do this too..one day and a time.
I'm trying to equip myself with as much tools as possible to make it through this time. Thank you again everyone for your kind and supportive words. I am grateful.

Txhelp

One day at a time....sometimes we are addicted to the addict.

You are taking the steps that you need. Don't beat yourself up. Many of us do...."we stayed to long. Gave to many chances. Should have done this or that."

Keep reaching out. Allow yourself to grieve.

When my husband wanted out of our 25 year marriage....the only man that I dated and loved. I felt floored and old. I asked myself "how do I start over? Who would want me?" I was so overwhelmed trying to predict what my future would look like...

4 years later....I am remarried and my life is different. I could not have predicted what my life would be like.

Keep moving forward and allow for grieving.....

kkallday21

I actually found this forum by the help of Google.. I guess like everyone else we try and do whatever we can to understand our disease and how being with an addict has affected us and our lives.. So thank you Google for providing me with another tool 

I also just ended a relationship recently and have been feeling guilty about it. I found Alanon years ago, when I realized my life was unmanageable and dealing with my son’s father (my first qualifier) was all just too much for me anymore.. I became crazy and infected. Unfortunately I didn’t find out about Alanon until 8 long years after of dealing with the insanity.. The best way to describe it is an emotional rollercoaster and that is exactly what it was and I was just hanging on for dear life.. Finally the program helped me to move on from that relationship and accept that I could not fix him or his addiction.. I did everything possible to try.. I lost myself, my self-esteem, my sanity and much more… I was so grateful to find people who understood everything I was going through… Who didn’t look at me like I was crazy and accepted me and did not judge me.. No matter what I said, how much I cried or how crazy I acted, the people in the program always made me feel loved. I don’t come from a family of addiction, so since I have a tendency to attract people with addictive behaviors it was very hard for me to feel accepted in my own family… My parents couldn’t understand why I would choose that lifestyle and to be honest I don’t know why either? What I do know now is that I am sick and I have been affected with the disease of addiction. On top of that I am seriously co-dependent… Shocking! lol I stopped Alanon once I thought I was healed from my first relationship… Bad move on my part, but it’s progress not perfection, right?! I started Alanon again a few months ago due to another addictive relationship I signed up for and dealt with a lot of the same craziness and patterns.. This time around, I was able to notice my growth from working the program and realized that I was handling things differently… My “new” qualifier has been sober for almost 2 months, but since his relapse, I have not been ok.. I have been dealing with a lot of old stuff from the past and have been extremely confused.. “Like how did I end up here again?” Of course I can answer that- it’s because I made the choice to go there again… Finally after a lot of back and forth thinking I decided I want out.. It’s not going to be an easy process, and I’m feeling a lot of guilt, but I have to do this if I want a better life.. Obviously I’m still sick and 2 unhealthy people cannot build a healthy relationship… I’m a single mom and a good one at that and my son is old enough to know now what is going on.. I also have to be stable for him so that he stays on the right track... I guess this break up would make me feel less guilty if he was doing bad, etc., but that’s not healthy thinking either.. So here I am again in recovery… This time I’m sticking with it and hope to rebuild a wonderful, loving relationship with myself.

faith260

Thank you Txhelp, I've had the same feelings too... thinking that I'm getting older and wondering if I'd ever meet someone again, if I'd be ready to be in healthy new relationship or if I'd be emotionally damaged. I like that your life has turned out so positively, it gives me hope. One day at a time. Today was ok. But I know that I will have those challenging days ahead of me.
Kallday21, I too found this site through google. I wish I had found it years back when I hit rock bottom. The difference is here I understand what others are going through and it's comforting that others understand where I'm at. I too, didn't come from a family of addiction. Speaking to other ppl who haven't deal with an addict was frustrating at times; they were often frustrated with me. You described it so accurately - the insanity of being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction. My very first counsellor opened my eyes to addiction. Madness indeed. This was something I saw on TV, it couldn't be happening to me. It was.
I've learnt so much over the lasts few years, some hard lessons but I'm grateful for what I've learnt/ what I'm learning too....as heartbreaking as it may feel at times.
It isn't an easy process as you said, but I hope we all make it through this time. My weak point has been after 6-8 weeks, when all the anger and rage has lessened, when I feel stronger and been taking care of myself. I then get an email or a txt or a phone call from him saying that he's trying, he's getting counselling, give him one more chance - he can do it this time etc. I have seen his effort, but then I see old ways slowly emerging.
I wanted this year to be different and it will be. I will keep trying. Hope you all keep trying too.

kkallday21

Faith- I go through the exact same patterns... But if we continue to do the same things, we'll get the same outcomes... if we do it differently who knows what can happen I know it's extremely hard, but we can do this!! Stay strong xo

needingabreak

Hi Faith and welcome to SR. I do not have much in the way of advice regarding your relationship however I had CBT for a year and found it to be the most helpful therapy I have ever had! I too was a big codependent and had a lot of trouble seeing this and knowing how to not be one. With the therapy I received and the awesome people here at SR who went above and beyond to help me Ive learned so much. I think the best saying is "one day at a time." Looking any further ahead is overwhelming and scary to some. I also understand the time healing the rage and anger a bit. Hopefully CBT will help you a great deal with that. Wishing you the best.

SeasonlessWorld

[QUOTE=faith260;4462145]
Winter is usually harder for me in general/QUOTE]

Same here and this winter has been brutal.

As far as books go I've found that a lot of the literature about abusive relationships have helped also. I find that the personality types and the tactics they use to deflect/manipulate are similar, though I must say that nothing I read in those books came close to matching his behaviors like what has been written here on SR. Seek out the threads of those married folks who are 10, 15 years on with an addict, they are the most sobering posts. When I miss him I read those posts and I see it as my possible future. I am not all that religious but it makes me think of "cast not ye pearls before swine lest they trample them under their feet and turn again and rend you"

Also you mentioned that he'll contact you from time to time saying he's trying to get clean etc. when this happened to me I told my ex that I would see him on step 9 (the making amends step, it takes ppl years to reach that step). If he can get to step 9 without me then I would sit down with him and his sponsor that is the only way I would communicate with him. I haven't heard from him since.
You don't have to do that but it was a way of setting a boundary for myself and for him. Sorry for the rambling post take care of yourself.

faith260

Good Morning Everyone,

Wishes of peace and happiness to each one of you as we start a new day.

I didn't sleep well last night.. it will probably be like this for a week or two. I awoke feeling a bit disheartened. Thinking about my future is blank but as Needingabreak reminded me, it's gonna be one day at a time. Some days will be good. Some won't.
I am continuing with the CBT, my counselling session is next week. I bought the book yesterday too and hope that will help me get through this successfully this time around. I found myself thinking 'what could I have done differently to prevent the huge fight we had over the weekend'. Reading the posts of this site is helping SeasonlessWorld. So what if we had a fight... its not an excuse to return to old habits. I could feel my codependency coming through in small subtle ways.. trying to avoid fighting, sacrificing my emotional needs so as to not overwhelm him etc.
I remember earlier relationships, even though they didn't work out, they were healthier - there was no bargaining, an argument was just an argument, none were roller coaster rides that left me depleted completely.
Despite the discomfort I feel this morning, there is a sense of peace within me - I feel safe again. My future is created by me. I like the boundary that you set for yourself SeasonlessWorld, it is helpful. I appreciate all the words you are sharing with me.

SeasonlessWorld

Hi Faith,
Glad to hear you're continuing with therapy. Just go easy on yourself, five years is a long time. The only thing worse than spending 5 years in a bad relationship is spending 5 years and a day (I can't believe I'm quoting Dr. Phil, but he's right on that one).

The hardest part of the breakup for me is when my anger wanes and I sart reliving the good times, so I come here and read posts. SR has been a god send the posters remind me that the good times weren't so good. After having fruitless conversations about how what he did or said hurt me and trying to make him "see". I realized it wasn't going to make any difference, our world views are far too different.

I too struggle with the "what ifs" but everyday I have to come to the realization that if it wasn't one thing it would have been another.