Lovenjoy

I am on a mission today to practice ways to be at peace with myself and the situation and learn to get the most out of my day! Very new to my recovery in codependency….. Thoughts SR?!

some things I'm thinking:
Do
quiet prayer and readings
completely present in child's play with granddaughter
light a candle
smile, laugh
feel the wind chimes!
know I'm not alone
eat good
go to meeting
slow breathing
see what is right and good
love all the people I meet today
Don't
ask him about his recovery
criticize
worry about what isn't mine
make his problems mine

I really want to be well. Am realizing that I am making myself sick by obsessing about him and his addiction and it contributes to his problem and is absolutely no help to his recovery whatsoever. And I so want to help. Oops! Strayed into his arena there! Much work to do….. So grateful for SR!

KateL

Sounds great xxx

Lovenjoy

Quick question for those who've been down this road. Do I give AS a head's up that my micro managing of his life is coming to an end? I see now it has been a way of life for us for many, many years. Not just in our current struggles. What do you think?

alexc1991

Those are GREAT ways to get yourself through the tough situation that you're in. Good job on the brainstorming.

YouWillBe

I'm not throwing stones...been there myself! But I think it's your co-dependency figuring out a way to sorta-kinda-almost continue to be involved.

He'll see the difference if you follow through. And it will probably have a much bigger impact seeing your ACTIONS than hearing those words.

Practice the disengaging for YOU...don't worry about what he feels about it, because he could, most likely, not believe you anyway. (Our addiction to our addict is no different than their addiction to drugs. Words mean nothing - actions speak!)

Lovenjoy

I couldn't agree more YWB! He has already been kinda perplexed by the changes in me and I have no concerns about how he feels about it.

I'm thinking more general like keep track of your own stuff (mainly medical appoitments) and let me know if they affect me. He's been seriously ill, not narc related, and I give him rides. Shamed to admit I've 'helped' him keep track an even been waking him up. This behavior on my part is stopping!

I only mean a one time heads up then it's on him. For instance he has a procedure next week and if nothing is said about my change in behavior..... Codie all over this post! These are lifetime behaviors changing here. I should also put RAS as he is working recovery these last months but tough times with injuries and surgery.

Kindeyes

Those are wonderful ways to take care of you!

I'll ditto what youwillbe said. He will listen to what you DO much better than he will ever listen to what you say.

You are making great strides!

gentle hugs
ke

YouWillBe

I understand...I agree, if you've been keeping his appointment logs, managing finances, anything that could affect him negatively (and wouldn't necessarily be his fault, since he wouldn't be aware that you've stopped) then letting him know that he now needs to be responsible for these items is a courteous thing to do!

I thought you meant general co-dependent behavior!

Lovenjoy

Thanks for getting back to me YWB, it means a lot as my intuition was telling me I needed to say something yet your advise is so sound I was struggling with my decision. I think it is going to be a great thing for me to let go (and let God!) of all the keep track of his life bs.

I also think he is going to be thrilled. His words the other day 'you're making this your addiction' when I once again sought to involve myself in his recovery. As I've heard here, addicted to the addiction. I am listening!

Some very ingrained bad habits on my part so I will be around! The habits are mine yet they have also promoted behavioral responses in him. That I will leave for him to figure out as I work on the actions I now want to incorporate into my life.

Pretty complex stuff. Loving without enabling. Supporting without interfering.

This past week has been a real growth time for me. Marrying up my personal sober recovery with codependency recovery. Double winner indeed! (didn't really get that until today)

Today I've taken real time for myself and practiced some new ways to behave and I am excited! I know it's up and down but today has been a good one…..

Grateful to have found SR.

Ann

I love the old expression "Don't tell me, show me." Our actions speak for themselves.

I love that you have shifted your focus to taking good care of yourself and paying attention to your actions.

It can feel stiff at first, changes, but soon enough it becomes a way of life and you will feel the difference, I promise.

Hugs

Lily1918

as an RA... I would say no... just do it and keep explanations to a minimum. I would expect a major temper tantrum as well. I'm so grateful to the people in my life who did this for me... but not until later, and some of my "friends" never got it...

Lovenjoy

An interesting component to all this, which I hadn't considered, is my granddaughter's reaction to my new behaviors! It's priceless. She's my little CEO, has to have control, everything perfect, takes charge, - sound familiar? She's only 5 but the turmoil in her life has affected her. She has noticed me being more relaxed and less anxious and loves it! Already there is less of the 'wheedling' behavior she's been experimenting with.

My excessive 'help' with her is coming to an end also as she is his child! It is freaking me out more than a little now that my denial is lifting just how much of his responsibility I kinda stole from him. Not a comfortable admission. Don't get me wrong, he's a really good father and has always done the hands on care giving. But yeah, I have been quite a bit more than just supportive in this arena too.

As to our beautiful little one, she's loving that I play more! Increased emotional and physical energy to be even more creative with her. Some hard personal work to do but am seeing immediate rewards!

Boy SR is bringing out stuff that I can not believe! What a great tool! Thanks for listening and sharing your input everyone. Am in a way different place than I was when I found you. Hopeful for continued growth.

Lovenjoy

Very good advise, thanks Lily1918!

Lovenjoy

I am second guessing everything I do here. A few small panic attacks, nervous, fearful - withdrawal from codependency??? My son has a serious medical procedure tomorrow and I just texted him 'let me know if you need help'. Is that healthy, letting him know I'm still available for support but not just giving it? Or am I indulging my disease?

I have a healing class tonight - 'change you beliefs, change your life' - and that is really fun and helpful for my growth.

I guess I'm a little shaky here today. Been doing a lot of soul searching and my problems run deep and it's kinda scary….. Seeing a lot of behaviors that I was blind to before, my behaviors. Making me feel yucky, like after a bad drunk when you wish you could curl up and hide. But I'm not hiding and I am facing it, all of it.

I'm ok and it will just get better. Thanks for being here, breathing better now!

Lovenjoy

from another thread on detaching, a quote from kind eyes - "I think some people use words like "tough love" as well and the concept behind it is misunderstood. The "tough" part is tough on/for ME.....not on the addict in my life. It's very difficult to stop enabling behavior......particularly when it's a son or daughter" -

Been doing some readings here and this struck me as being what I am experiencing and described in my last post? This is the 'tough on/for me' stuff I guess…..

hopeful4

No, he will realize it quite quickly. All of your stuff sounds great, be kind to you and work on you!!!

BeavsDad

"Wait for the question" was something I was told here and it's made a difference.

When I slip up on that one, I definitely avoid saying it twice.

No one appreciates or uses unsolicited advice. It was hard for my hardcore codie brain to come to terms with that.

Once you level up a bit in your codie training, you will really start to notice when other people do it.

cynical one

It’s the extremes we need to be careful of when it comes to enabling…doing too much or too little. It helps me to take the addiction and/or use of drugs out of it and treat an addict as you would anyone else their age.

Making sure an adult wakes up and gets to school/work on time is not helping them grow up and be responsible, thus, it's enabling. But, if anyone is having a medical procedure where they shouldn’t be driving afterwards, or if there is going to be pain involved then offering a ride or support is not enabling. See how addiction has nothing to do with it?

As far as your original question. He's been trained to rely on you for things he should have been doing on his own for years. So yes, I'd give him a heads up and welcome him into the adult world.

Lovenjoy

Thanks CO, your whole post really helped and this part really stayed with me. I did give him a heads up and kept explanations to a minimum. I let him know I'm not going anywhere, I'm just taking care of myself and am here if he asks for support. (thanks Beavsdad!)

What you said about doing too much or too little….. getting a handle on the too much is going well. Was concerned about the too little. Like it or not I am his major support at the moment. Taking addiction out of the equation when I'm wondering during specific moments is already helping.

There has been a marked lessening of tension in our home already. Finding we have many other things to interact about than his addiction. Always have I guess but with my codie take on absolutely everything our communication was so tense. Being so obsessed with his addiction - is he using, is he working his recovery, who called, etc. - was making life miserable. And I see that much of that has been my doing.

Heading to another al anon meeting tomorrow night. Would really like to do nar anon but none in my city. Maybe in the spring I can travel to the one closest, it's a drive in bad weather.

So very grateful I found SR.

cynical one

Personally, I have found more depth of recovery at AlAnon, (and especially at CODA meetings) over NarAnon. For whatever reasons, the members seem to be more in these groups for the long-haul as opposed to NarAnon where they seemed to be more crisis driven as to when they attend. And, really the addictive substance (or addictive behavior) of others isn't the focus. It's that OUR lives have become somewhat skewed, out of control, or unmanageable. Like this forum, we are there (here) to get US better, not how to get the addict better (though sometimes that is the fallout once we get healthy).