Boundary issues with others as well?
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Boundary issues with others as well?
Just wondering if others have problems with keeping boundaries with other people in their life besides the addict?
I am finding myself now in situations where I need to speak up and keep boundaries but I do not. I know it comes from fear, fear of hurting other's feelings and fear of something else but not sure what that is yet. Guilt maybe?
I have a friend going through a tough time but she is because she refuses to end a relationship with someone who only cares about himself. She knows this and chooses to stay. Meanwhile she calls crying every other week. I feel bad that she is upset and don't know how to disengage. She calls multiple times a day sometimes and now my husband is getting angry because he says it is interfering in our time together. It is and I am tired from it all.
Secondly, while down here visiting my parents, I feel I have to see them a certain amount of times. We were supposed to leave earlier this week but due to the weather changed our flight to Saturday. My father called to see if we got out ok so I called to tell them we were still here. I wont lie. My mom right away said "lets go to dinner." I didn't want to. I wanted some free time with my husband before we left but felt guilty saying I didn't have time so I said we'd go out tomorrow night. Why can't I just say no? I was doing pretty good there for awhile but now find myself having the issue again with boundaries. Does anyone else have this problem with others in their life and not just the addict? I know I have to learn to feel comfortable telling people no but it's not something where I can just snap my fingers and feel differently. Any advice, suggestions, knowledge of where this may come from? I know mostly it is because I feel guilty, like I am hurting feelings.
I am finding myself now in situations where I need to speak up and keep boundaries but I do not. I know it comes from fear, fear of hurting other's feelings and fear of something else but not sure what that is yet. Guilt maybe?
I have a friend going through a tough time but she is because she refuses to end a relationship with someone who only cares about himself. She knows this and chooses to stay. Meanwhile she calls crying every other week. I feel bad that she is upset and don't know how to disengage. She calls multiple times a day sometimes and now my husband is getting angry because he says it is interfering in our time together. It is and I am tired from it all.
Secondly, while down here visiting my parents, I feel I have to see them a certain amount of times. We were supposed to leave earlier this week but due to the weather changed our flight to Saturday. My father called to see if we got out ok so I called to tell them we were still here. I wont lie. My mom right away said "lets go to dinner." I didn't want to. I wanted some free time with my husband before we left but felt guilty saying I didn't have time so I said we'd go out tomorrow night. Why can't I just say no? I was doing pretty good there for awhile but now find myself having the issue again with boundaries. Does anyone else have this problem with others in their life and not just the addict? I know I have to learn to feel comfortable telling people no but it's not something where I can just snap my fingers and feel differently. Any advice, suggestions, knowledge of where this may come from? I know mostly it is because I feel guilty, like I am hurting feelings.
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I do too but with honesty it got better. Tell friend you love her and support her but dont have time to talk multiple times a day without interrupting your day. Call mom and tell her you love her and lovespending time w them but want to take this as a little unexpected get away for you and hubs. Its hard but it gets easier the more you do it.
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YES, indeed! Boundary issues are a huge part of my recovery. Once you start working on yourself, you will start to see and feel what healthy boundaries feel like. For some of us, this is quite a revelation. Honesty about my own feelings and the courage to articulate them is very, very transforming. It is okay to tell your friend that you love her and care about her, but that you have limited time to spend talking on the phone now that you are "in recovery." You can still call your parents and tell them you have decided to spend the evening with your husband. It's okay. It might help to reassure yourself with a very simple concept, often hard for me when talking to my folks, too, but: You are an adult woman. You can do these things. It is your day, your life, your choice to make.
I so understand. I hope you have a great day being "stranded!" Make it so.
I so understand. I hope you have a great day being "stranded!" Make it so.
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ok first, just cuz the phone goes ring, we do NOT have to ANSWER it. that's why God made Voicemail. Say NO to the phone. you answer when YOU want on your own timetable.
as far as having a hard time saying no to others....it's kind of like getting a shot or having blood drawn...seems really scary and awful and is going to hurt but then it's over and you're like, oh THAT was it? you just have to DO it, get thru it, and survive it.
is it possible that others will not take that NO very well? sure. and that is totally THEIR choice. we are not in charge of how others feel.....THEY are. we are in charge of how WE feel. we need to stop feeling feelings FOR others.
it's kind of rude and presumptive when you really think about it. because i (think i) know you SO Well, and how you will react to any given situation i am going to alter MY behavior to assure you feel a certain way and that you will like me. CLASSIC MANIPULATION.
we need to learn to be authentic REGARDLESS of how others think, feel or react. what is important is how WE feel...about our actions, about ourselves. we have to quit body surfing in others and climb back in our own skin. we say yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no. we learn we don't need to give lengthy apologies or explanations. half the time they sound very trite and half baked. short sweet and to the point will suffice.
as far as having a hard time saying no to others....it's kind of like getting a shot or having blood drawn...seems really scary and awful and is going to hurt but then it's over and you're like, oh THAT was it? you just have to DO it, get thru it, and survive it.
is it possible that others will not take that NO very well? sure. and that is totally THEIR choice. we are not in charge of how others feel.....THEY are. we are in charge of how WE feel. we need to stop feeling feelings FOR others.
it's kind of rude and presumptive when you really think about it. because i (think i) know you SO Well, and how you will react to any given situation i am going to alter MY behavior to assure you feel a certain way and that you will like me. CLASSIC MANIPULATION.
we need to learn to be authentic REGARDLESS of how others think, feel or react. what is important is how WE feel...about our actions, about ourselves. we have to quit body surfing in others and climb back in our own skin. we say yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no. we learn we don't need to give lengthy apologies or explanations. half the time they sound very trite and half baked. short sweet and to the point will suffice.
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Thank you for your replies. All very good answers that make complete and total sense. So why doe sit seem like such a difficult thing? It is very helpful in my search for changing my recovery more. I never thought of it as manipulating their feelings but more concerned about hurting them, but Anvil you are correct. I cannot possibly know how they will react,it is just my fear (and past experience with my mother). It feels good just to realize I have this issue in the first place and doing something about it will be even better. We all have our own journey's don't we?
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I've always had a tough time setting appropriate boundaries with people, and, not going to lie, I've been that friend who knew the relationship was toxic but couldn't break it off. I would call my friends crying, go out to coffee or dinner and dominate the conversations with my "poor me" stories... and I could see and hear my friends getting bored with me... but I didn't know how to stop.
On the flipside, I've never been able to set boundaries with other people. I used to let people walk all over me, take advantage of me, speak to me like I was nothing. I'm getting better at it now - setting small, manageable boundaries.
My first suggestion would be, when your friend calls, make it clear at the beginning of the conversation that you only have a few minutes to talk. If she dominates the conversation, that's okay, because you have already set your time limit. Don't feel bad telling her that you need to hang up now. I'm sure in her heart of hearts she knows that she may be boring you or overwhelming you with all the calls about the relationship, but who knows, maybe you're the only one she can talk to?
As for your parents - never feel guilty taking some "you & hubby" time. They're your parents. They spent every waking hour with you for your first 18 years of life. Though I'm sure they do want to spend as much time as possible with you when you visit, it can be wearing. Don't feel bad for taking some time to recharge!
On the flipside, I've never been able to set boundaries with other people. I used to let people walk all over me, take advantage of me, speak to me like I was nothing. I'm getting better at it now - setting small, manageable boundaries.
My first suggestion would be, when your friend calls, make it clear at the beginning of the conversation that you only have a few minutes to talk. If she dominates the conversation, that's okay, because you have already set your time limit. Don't feel bad telling her that you need to hang up now. I'm sure in her heart of hearts she knows that she may be boring you or overwhelming you with all the calls about the relationship, but who knows, maybe you're the only one she can talk to?
As for your parents - never feel guilty taking some "you & hubby" time. They're your parents. They spent every waking hour with you for your first 18 years of life. Though I'm sure they do want to spend as much time as possible with you when you visit, it can be wearing. Don't feel bad for taking some time to recharge!
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Yes. I had terrible problems setting boundaries with people for a very long time.....this was not a problem that cropped up due to addiction......it came long before that. Heck, I didn't even know what a boundary was......the right to have boundaries was beaten out of me as a child. If I stated a boundary, it became a target......my father was an interesting man. That left me quite unable to understand how to establish boundaries.....because it was......a sign of vulnerability....unacceptable. A child doesn't understand they have the right to boundaries particularly when "normal" boundaries are violated by a parent. This carried into adulthood......but I have overcome it but wasn't easy.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Boundaries are often not established due to fear. Fear of how someone else will feel. Fear of how someone else will view us. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being beaten. Fear of retaliation. Fear is a strong motivator.
gentle hugs
ke
I think you hit the nail on the head. Boundaries are often not established due to fear. Fear of how someone else will feel. Fear of how someone else will view us. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being beaten. Fear of retaliation. Fear is a strong motivator.
gentle hugs
ke
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Yes Kindeyes! Unfortunately Starfish my mother was like Kindeyes father in the sense that we were not allowed to have boundaries. She manipulated in every way possible to get the needed help, reaction or needs met with very little regard for our feelings. I agree again with Kindeyes that this boundary issue happened long before the addiction issue. It is amazing how one's childhood can affect them long into adulthood. Starfish your simple but smart idea of saying up front I only have a few minutes alleviates the over burdening issue. BTW, I too was one who did the same thing years ago. I feel so bad I did that to others. My friend has about 10 others she is driving crazy with her obsessive talking about her boyfriend.
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I find when I think my boundaries through and have a plan in place for if they are crossed, it helps me enforce them.
For your friend that calls upset all the time, just tell her "I really care about you and hope you can works something out that's good for you. Right now I just have to run. Good luck" and then go.
I agree with Anvil that it helps to look at call display and if you catch yourself cringing, let it go to message so you can think it out before you call back..or don't.
I set boundaries all the time in my life, because boundaries are about me and what is and is not okay in my life. Unwanted phone calls go to message and are often ignored. Disrespectful talk is nipped in the bud and I hang up without pause. I have learned to stand up for myself and to stand in my own truth and it no longer matters if people agree with me. That is so freeing.
Fear is a spoil sport and will doom the best laid plans. Poo on fear, kick it to the curb.
Hugs
For your friend that calls upset all the time, just tell her "I really care about you and hope you can works something out that's good for you. Right now I just have to run. Good luck" and then go.
I agree with Anvil that it helps to look at call display and if you catch yourself cringing, let it go to message so you can think it out before you call back..or don't.
I set boundaries all the time in my life, because boundaries are about me and what is and is not okay in my life. Unwanted phone calls go to message and are often ignored. Disrespectful talk is nipped in the bud and I hang up without pause. I have learned to stand up for myself and to stand in my own truth and it no longer matters if people agree with me. That is so freeing.
Fear is a spoil sport and will doom the best laid plans. Poo on fear, kick it to the curb.
Hugs
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
ok
it's kind of rude and presumptive when you really think about it. because i (think i) know you SO Well, and how you will react to any given situation i am going to alter MY behavior to assure you feel a certain way and that you will like me. CLASSIC MANIPULATION.
we need to learn to be authentic REGARDLESS of how others think, feel or react. what is important is how WE feel...about our actions, about ourselves. we have to quit body surfing in others and climb back in our own skin. we say yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no. we learn we don't need to give lengthy apologies or explanations. half the time they sound very trite and half baked. short sweet and to the point will suffice.
it's kind of rude and presumptive when you really think about it. because i (think i) know you SO Well, and how you will react to any given situation i am going to alter MY behavior to assure you feel a certain way and that you will like me. CLASSIC MANIPULATION.
we need to learn to be authentic REGARDLESS of how others think, feel or react. what is important is how WE feel...about our actions, about ourselves. we have to quit body surfing in others and climb back in our own skin. we say yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no. we learn we don't need to give lengthy apologies or explanations. half the time they sound very trite and half baked. short sweet and to the point will suffice.
Still struggeling how "respect" would fit in here?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
ok first, just cuz the phone goes ring, we do NOT have to ANSWER it. that's why God made Voicemail. Say NO to the phone. you answer when YOU want on your own timetable.
as far as having a hard time saying no to others....it's kind of like getting a shot or having blood drawn...seems really scary and awful and is going to hurt but then it's over and you're like, oh THAT was it? you just have to DO it, get thru it, and survive it.
is it possible that others will not take that NO very well? sure. and that is totally THEIR choice. we are not in charge of how others feel.....THEY are. we are in charge of how WE feel. we need to stop feeling feelings FOR others.
it's kind of rude and presumptive when you really think about it. because i (think i) know you SO Well, and how you will react to any given situation i am going to alter MY behavior to assure you feel a certain way and that you will like me. CLASSIC MANIPULATION.
we need to learn to be authentic REGARDLESS of how others think, feel or react. what is important is how WE feel...about our actions, about ourselves. we have to quit body surfing in others and climb back in our own skin. we say yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no. we learn we don't need to give lengthy apologies or explanations. half the time they sound very trite and half baked. short sweet and to the point will suffice.
as far as having a hard time saying no to others....it's kind of like getting a shot or having blood drawn...seems really scary and awful and is going to hurt but then it's over and you're like, oh THAT was it? you just have to DO it, get thru it, and survive it.
is it possible that others will not take that NO very well? sure. and that is totally THEIR choice. we are not in charge of how others feel.....THEY are. we are in charge of how WE feel. we need to stop feeling feelings FOR others.
it's kind of rude and presumptive when you really think about it. because i (think i) know you SO Well, and how you will react to any given situation i am going to alter MY behavior to assure you feel a certain way and that you will like me. CLASSIC MANIPULATION.
we need to learn to be authentic REGARDLESS of how others think, feel or react. what is important is how WE feel...about our actions, about ourselves. we have to quit body surfing in others and climb back in our own skin. we say yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no. we learn we don't need to give lengthy apologies or explanations. half the time they sound very trite and half baked. short sweet and to the point will suffice.
Anvilhead, thank you for this post. I am going to cut it out and stick it on my desk. When I need to enforce boundaries I always say "not against them, but for me", but somehow it doesn't have the same punch as your post. Thank you!
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Jaynie,
You sound so much like I am or have been. I too have read past things and cringed. I can see myself at times in the past almost begging someone to help them. Why would I do that? It really is pathetic. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves and know we do not have to always say yes and people will still like us! I would rather have it told to me straight as Anvil did, then have someone not say what really needs t be said. It is for our best interest and I am one who always wants to hear what someone really feels and have them be honest. Thanks for sharing. I didn't think I'd be the only one.
You sound so much like I am or have been. I too have read past things and cringed. I can see myself at times in the past almost begging someone to help them. Why would I do that? It really is pathetic. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves and know we do not have to always say yes and people will still like us! I would rather have it told to me straight as Anvil did, then have someone not say what really needs t be said. It is for our best interest and I am one who always wants to hear what someone really feels and have them be honest. Thanks for sharing. I didn't think I'd be the only one.
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