NightingaleSynd

I've posted on here before, and everyone warned me not to get involved with my on-again off-again lover, a recovering heroin addict (18 months sober).
However, it was way too late. I've been in love with him for 6 years.

Recently he asked me to give him space. By space he means we never talk and see each other maybe once a month. I've been trying SO hard not to take it personally because I know this is his way of dealing with his recovery. I've been there every step of the way.

The thing is, I need love back. I love him so much, and he knows that. But I can't function in a relationship where I love him this much and he won't even respond to my text messages telling him I just got out of the hospital. I haven't heard anything from him in weeks.

Is he selfish? Definitely. Is it selfish of me to want him to give me love back? Am I expecting too much? I don't know.
Please help me!

atalose

Yes you are expecting too much from this person who clearly is showing you how much he cares about you. Love has to be mutual, a give and take and from what you have shared he doesn't give at all.

Are you seeking any kind of thereby or counseling to help you figure out why you are so willing to accept so little and not just let go and move on with your life?

zoso77

Buckle up. Time for some tough love.

If you need love back, then you're with the wrong guy. Doesn't matter how much you love him. If you keep making an emotional investment in someone who is operating at a deficit, you will not get what you need in return. It's that simple.

So, your options as I see them are simple: stay and torture yourself, or move on, weather the inevitable emotional upheaval, and begin to heal.

ZoSo

hopeful4

Once a month sounds like a booty call, im sorry.

You deserve more.

Vale

You deserve better. He is doing exactly what heroin addicts
do.
We want them to be different.
They aren't.

AnvilheadII

sorry to be blunt, but i'm not sure you can put this all on his recovery....it sounds like he's just not that IN to you. it does not matter how much YOU love HIM, or that you have "been there" for him every step of the way....as you said, you aren't getting anything BACK...because he isn't willing to GIVE anything.

is what it is. all we can do is face the facts and act accordingly.

cleaninLI

No offense, but I think that's true that "he is just not that into you". Not sure this has anything to do with his being an addict....I'm sure it doesn't help matters...but trust me if he were you'd know it. Even if he wanted space....which to me means....."I don't know how to tell you this but I want to stop seeing you, but don't want to hurt your feelings or feel like the bad guy here.....Or I want to keep you dangling on my puppet string, just in case I need you once in a while....maybe when that urge hits me." But if he doesn't mean that and really does want space to work his recovery blah blah blah then at the very least he'd reply to your texts...especially the one about your hospital visit...wouldn't he? That's probably hard for you to see since "love is blind".

Sorry if my response stings a little...the truth sometimes does. It's just that I've been in your shoes many many years ago.....I was in an on again off again relationship. Of course I was in "love" but after a few years of his popping back in and then dropping back out of the relationship....I finally asked myself "what's in this for me? Is this the way I DESERVE to be treated? Is this the kind of relationship I want to have for the rest of my life?" "HE!! NO!"

So I chose to start dating again and after a few short months, I did meet the man that was emotionally available for me. He treated me the way I deserved to be treated. Now, we've been married for over 25 years....so I'd say I made the right choice in dropping that guy. One more thing what I thought was "love" must have been something else. Whatever it was it was unhealthy.

Txhelp

In my last relationship....after he told me he loved me but was no longer in love with me. I kept getting mixed messages.

Until, after a year, of analyzing and attempting to save a marriage that was long gone....my sweet friend told me "S...when someone wants to be with you..you don't have to analyze or guess. They are there. They are present. You feel loved."

That was my lightbulb moment. I moved on.

bluetangerine

Even id he wasnt on h, if a guy dorsnt respond, its saying he could care less

NightingaleSynd

Thank you everyone for your responses. I had to process them overnight. It hurt to read them, but I know you are all right. I'm definitely more into him then he is into me. Actions speak louder then words, and no matter how much "space" he needs I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't think he is actually capable of loving another human being. I don't want to torture myself anymore, but I keep telling myself that something that has been going on for this long deserves a chance. However, I have given him a million chances.

Our relationship has gravitated between a booty call (mostly sex) and dating (mostly hanging out) but it got complicated when he got me pregnant a few years ago. I lost the baby, and things have never been the same since.

So I need your advice. Do I simply cut him out of my life, cold turkey, and never try to see or talk to him again? Do I write him a letter explaining that I deserve better and that I need to cut him out of my life? Do I show up at his apartment and explain to him how I feel? I feel like going cold turkey would be the worse thing because I wouldn't get any closure, and I would still be sitting there waiting for a phone call or text that will never come.

He of course has a bunch of my stuff. Nothing that can't be replaced (except for my heart of course) but if I got it it would just be another excuse to see him one last time. Last time I saw him was so magical, making love on the beach then cuddling for hours afterwards. I don't know what to do.

I took the first step this morning and deleted him from my Facebook. Baby steps.

AnvilheadII

I haven't heard anything from him in weeks.

sweetie, i don't think you need to make this real dramatic. he's already out of contact. now you simply do the same. if you want your stuff and it's a small amount, send him a polite email requesting he box it up and mail it to you. if it's nothing you can't live without....then let it go.

you get closure when you decide you are truly done. everything else is just an excuse to keep going back. HE can't give you closure. he can't give you anything.

hopeful4

Run away!