Advice seeking
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Cynical put up resources, and I will add one more, calling 211.
And my suggestion if he is open to treatment is to give him a piece of paper with all the resources suggested and then take a huge step back and allow him to show you how seriously he wants this. Don’t remind him, don’t ask if he made calls, let him show you his truth. Let him run the show, he will not learn any other way.
For heroin addicts wanting to get clean isn’t as easy as it sounds. So let me give you a dose of reality, so you understand. Getting clean, like the detox he went through is way easier that staying clean. Also note withdrawal is an incentive to use … And the brain will not forget, it knows every trigger to use to get one to go back out. The rewiring of the brain, well if it even can be rewired back to some state of pre addiction, takes years and they aren’t so sure that it ever will fully. And while that doesn’t mean one has no hope, but it will show that work will be required. Heroin kills, and heroin addicts are in more danger not using then they are using. More die in a one more time. It lingers in the shadows, patiently waiting and it thrives within ever reaction to it from outside sources, in every bit of fear and power given to it.
I have been watching my husband break out in profuse sweating between the news reports of the so called “tainted” which is really awesome heroin and the news reports on hoffmans death. This will be his reality forever no matter how far removed he has slated heroin. And I am way past the naïve state of thinking that because I love him, because he has these awesome kids and a great friends and family that any of that can possibly keep him alive. Only he owns the power to do that. It takes about one millisecond for an addict to sign their own death certificate.
Understand that forgiveness is for your best chances, for your own health. And that forgetting isn’t optional, because you will have learning within it all that keeps you in a good healthy place and affords you a wonderful life.
Make sure you aren’t just cushioning the natural progression of his disease…
Make sure you understand that hiding money and valuables is just another twisted form of enabling. Yeah I know you are protecting yourself, but it isn’t at all normal or healthy to live like this.
If you have to sleep with your money tucked between your boobs then you might want to find why that seems so normal.
You can put thousands of safety nets out, run yourself crazy determining that you aren’t enabling just because you don’t allow, this or that and it makes no damn difference. And he knows where the money is, I surely hope that you never find yourself in a situation where he will just want the money and knows exactly where to find it.
Addiction isn't rational and can't be rationalized.
You can opt out any time you wish and that won’t have a damn thing to do with staying or leaving…
And my suggestion if he is open to treatment is to give him a piece of paper with all the resources suggested and then take a huge step back and allow him to show you how seriously he wants this. Don’t remind him, don’t ask if he made calls, let him show you his truth. Let him run the show, he will not learn any other way.
For heroin addicts wanting to get clean isn’t as easy as it sounds. So let me give you a dose of reality, so you understand. Getting clean, like the detox he went through is way easier that staying clean. Also note withdrawal is an incentive to use … And the brain will not forget, it knows every trigger to use to get one to go back out. The rewiring of the brain, well if it even can be rewired back to some state of pre addiction, takes years and they aren’t so sure that it ever will fully. And while that doesn’t mean one has no hope, but it will show that work will be required. Heroin kills, and heroin addicts are in more danger not using then they are using. More die in a one more time. It lingers in the shadows, patiently waiting and it thrives within ever reaction to it from outside sources, in every bit of fear and power given to it.
I have been watching my husband break out in profuse sweating between the news reports of the so called “tainted” which is really awesome heroin and the news reports on hoffmans death. This will be his reality forever no matter how far removed he has slated heroin. And I am way past the naïve state of thinking that because I love him, because he has these awesome kids and a great friends and family that any of that can possibly keep him alive. Only he owns the power to do that. It takes about one millisecond for an addict to sign their own death certificate.
Understand that forgiveness is for your best chances, for your own health. And that forgetting isn’t optional, because you will have learning within it all that keeps you in a good healthy place and affords you a wonderful life.
Make sure you aren’t just cushioning the natural progression of his disease…
Make sure you understand that hiding money and valuables is just another twisted form of enabling. Yeah I know you are protecting yourself, but it isn’t at all normal or healthy to live like this.
If you have to sleep with your money tucked between your boobs then you might want to find why that seems so normal.
You can put thousands of safety nets out, run yourself crazy determining that you aren’t enabling just because you don’t allow, this or that and it makes no damn difference. And he knows where the money is, I surely hope that you never find yourself in a situation where he will just want the money and knows exactly where to find it.
Addiction isn't rational and can't be rationalized.
You can opt out any time you wish and that won’t have a damn thing to do with staying or leaving…
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I am honestly the only person that can point him in the right direction
no you are not. that's a trap we set for ourselves, I'm all he has, i'm the only one, he can't make it without me. yes he can. he's managed his life in one way or another til now....he took himself off to maui, he found his way back, and finagled his way back in to your life. he finished a detox, he got a job, he has the wherewithal........
I personally cannot live with someone I cannot trust. with someone who will steal from me unless I stash my cash in my bra.
this would be a good time to set up some boundaries. if he is going to live there, he HAS to contribute. each week or each payday, he gives you a certain amount to go towards rent and bills. if he cannot or will not comply, then he needs to go get his own place and figure it out for himself. he's an adult, treat him as such. his lack of ability to prioritize is HIS problem.
no you are not. that's a trap we set for ourselves, I'm all he has, i'm the only one, he can't make it without me. yes he can. he's managed his life in one way or another til now....he took himself off to maui, he found his way back, and finagled his way back in to your life. he finished a detox, he got a job, he has the wherewithal........
I personally cannot live with someone I cannot trust. with someone who will steal from me unless I stash my cash in my bra.
this would be a good time to set up some boundaries. if he is going to live there, he HAS to contribute. each week or each payday, he gives you a certain amount to go towards rent and bills. if he cannot or will not comply, then he needs to go get his own place and figure it out for himself. he's an adult, treat him as such. his lack of ability to prioritize is HIS problem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
I am here because I am with someone that I love very much needs help and I am honestly the only person that can point him in the right direction. It's been very hard and I've lost pieces of myself along the way. I have just begun the process of reestablishing myself.
I am here to ask for resources and be guided by open minded kind hearted people.
I'm not here for relationship advice.
I'm not here to be told I'm an idiot or I'm causing my boyfriend to use.
He will use whether I am here or not.
Again he Just finished a methadone detox programer
Your story is similar to a lot of people in this forum. You say you are the only one that can point him the right direction then you say he will use whether you are around or not,,,,HE is the only one than can point himself in the right direction, not you, and yea, he will use regardless of you. He is sick. He is an addict. He has to decide what HE wants to do. Sorry but in this regard, you are simply a side note. He did his methadone detox. Now it's time for him to step upmost not. Your not an idiot, you love an addict. Bunches of people here do. I don't know about him, but for you.....tough situation. If he wants to use, get out of the way or you will likely force him to cheat and lie about it. And that will devastate you.
I am here to ask for resources and be guided by open minded kind hearted people.
I'm not here for relationship advice.
I'm not here to be told I'm an idiot or I'm causing my boyfriend to use.
He will use whether I am here or not.
Again he Just finished a methadone detox programer
Your story is similar to a lot of people in this forum. You say you are the only one that can point him the right direction then you say he will use whether you are around or not,,,,HE is the only one than can point himself in the right direction, not you, and yea, he will use regardless of you. He is sick. He is an addict. He has to decide what HE wants to do. Sorry but in this regard, you are simply a side note. He did his methadone detox. Now it's time for him to step upmost not. Your not an idiot, you love an addict. Bunches of people here do. I don't know about him, but for you.....tough situation. If he wants to use, get out of the way or you will likely force him to cheat and lie about it. And that will devastate you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
I know your all right. I know he can only do this by himself.
What I mean by I'm all he has is I literally am the only person in his life.
His parents are both lunatics and he choses to stay away from them.
His friends are all sad losers that live with their parents and do drugs too.
He chooses to stay away from people like that.
I don't do drugs. I don't have addiction problems.
I'm a classroom assistant and resource specialist at a school with a bachelors degree and I just applied for graduate school to get my credential.
Amongst all this insanity I'm still taking care of me and keeping my head on straight.
I am definitely a bit emotionally exhausted and lost all patients for him. I don't put up with anything anymore like I did before.
He hasn't stolen from me since last year in September.
I did set up many boundaries for myself.
I know it's abnormal that I sleep with my money in my boobs. I'm pretty sure I am aware of that.
I just don't trust him yet.
It's going to take me a long time before I do and that's just a symptom for what I've put up with.
Right now everything is fine.
He is working and just gave me his hole whopping 40 dollar check.
He goes to meetings with his surfer friend.
The only thing I am disappointed with is he was smoking weed earlier in the week.
I try to stay out of it.
I sent him a text explain the exact same thing I mentioned earlier about shape shifting and he hasn't been doing anything since.
But that's this week.
Who freaking knows what next week holds.
For now I've accepted his place in life financially because I'm not really the kind of girl that thinks that I should only be with someone up to my socially economic class.
He ****** up his life to be where he is right now. I refuse to stress myself out trying to help him get back to where he was before.
Once upon a time he was making a lot of money. And then he met heroin. And now he's at square one.
I really want to do that thing mentioned earlier about giving him a price of paper with resources. Whether he choses to help himself or not is not my problem.
If I get into this credential program I'm going to completely zone out.
That's what I do while in school.
While living with my lunatic parents that's what I did. If I didn't I wouldn't have got my bachelors.
I've learned a lot recently about detachment and I'm ready to keep going.
Ever since I started following the alanon way of detachment things have been better.
I don't nag him. I don't worry whether he is high or if he's going to help me with money.
I'm just focusing on myself.
Of course I want to help him find resources from here in addition to myself.
That's it.
Thank you for the help.
What I mean by I'm all he has is I literally am the only person in his life.
His parents are both lunatics and he choses to stay away from them.
His friends are all sad losers that live with their parents and do drugs too.
He chooses to stay away from people like that.
I don't do drugs. I don't have addiction problems.
I'm a classroom assistant and resource specialist at a school with a bachelors degree and I just applied for graduate school to get my credential.
Amongst all this insanity I'm still taking care of me and keeping my head on straight.
I am definitely a bit emotionally exhausted and lost all patients for him. I don't put up with anything anymore like I did before.
He hasn't stolen from me since last year in September.
I did set up many boundaries for myself.
I know it's abnormal that I sleep with my money in my boobs. I'm pretty sure I am aware of that.
I just don't trust him yet.
It's going to take me a long time before I do and that's just a symptom for what I've put up with.
Right now everything is fine.
He is working and just gave me his hole whopping 40 dollar check.
He goes to meetings with his surfer friend.
The only thing I am disappointed with is he was smoking weed earlier in the week.
I try to stay out of it.
I sent him a text explain the exact same thing I mentioned earlier about shape shifting and he hasn't been doing anything since.
But that's this week.
Who freaking knows what next week holds.
For now I've accepted his place in life financially because I'm not really the kind of girl that thinks that I should only be with someone up to my socially economic class.
He ****** up his life to be where he is right now. I refuse to stress myself out trying to help him get back to where he was before.
Once upon a time he was making a lot of money. And then he met heroin. And now he's at square one.
I really want to do that thing mentioned earlier about giving him a price of paper with resources. Whether he choses to help himself or not is not my problem.
If I get into this credential program I'm going to completely zone out.
That's what I do while in school.
While living with my lunatic parents that's what I did. If I didn't I wouldn't have got my bachelors.
I've learned a lot recently about detachment and I'm ready to keep going.
Ever since I started following the alanon way of detachment things have been better.
I don't nag him. I don't worry whether he is high or if he's going to help me with money.
I'm just focusing on myself.
Of course I want to help him find resources from here in addition to myself.
That's it.
Thank you for the help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
Oh ya and regarding who is outside the addict.
He's amazing. That's why I am in love with him.
He's a beautiful person.
But his addiction makes him ugly.
Maybe I'm an idiot but I believe in him.
I don't set myself up for failure or create high expectations.
I love him no matter what. That's really all he needs from me at the end of the day , love.
He's amazing. That's why I am in love with him.
He's a beautiful person.
But his addiction makes him ugly.
Maybe I'm an idiot but I believe in him.
I don't set myself up for failure or create high expectations.
I love him no matter what. That's really all he needs from me at the end of the day , love.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there is always hope for everybody. maybe not you WITH him, but certainly you......and certainly him. work on you now....all that energy you were pouring into fixing or helping him.....give in the same measure to yourself. because you are so worth it.
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