HumbleNumb

So, I looked up just now, and standing in my office is a guy who is one of the biggest coke heads I know. He was a friend of my AH and me, one we met in our recovery group, incidentally...

As I transacted his business, he says he has a new cell phone but isn't giving out the number... OK... I said "I need to update your insurance file"... so he gives me the number. Then he adds "I'm getting sober, and I am cleaning out all the trash, so I'm not giving out my new cell number to any of the people who can bring me down, and that goes for your husband too"...

Now, granted, this man is one of the people who has been a huge contributor to my husband's current pain pill addiction.. he has been a supplier for him for over 2 years... even when I've told him to his face to get out of our lives and leave us alone... he was just always there... lurking... sneaking trips down to my AH work to just 'give him a little something'... Not even 2 months ago, this man stood in my face and told me "I have a fatal disease and its going to kill me... but I'm cool with that" (referring to his coke addiction)...

So, now he's getting clean, and I'm glad... I wish him all the best in this... I do... but to have him sit here and say "I got a text from your husband this morning, but I'm not texting him back. I can't have people like him in my life"... It was all I could do not to jump up and smack him in the face!

I am grateful... and I pray that this person does get sober... and that he does leave us the h&ll alone!!! He's the one who started this whole thing... he's the one who would chase my AH down... he's the one who always had a few pills to just get AH by, and he was always willing to trade pills for gas in his car, and always had the far fetched schemes to help my AH get his hands on money without using the ATM so it wouldn't be obvious to me.

Now... he stands and says he can't have people like my husband in his life...
Holy smoke! What a thing to say to the woman who has cried and begged and pleaded for him to just leave us alone and stop destroying our marriage...

DoubleBarrel

First of all, I find the word druggie to be a derogatory comment that is unneccesary.

Second of all, you blaming someone else for your husbands behaviour is interesting.

So this guy is willfully bad, i.e. a druggie, and your husband is just a helpless victim?

No one was ever able to force me to swallow pills, but maybe thats just me.

GardenMama

I understand your frustration. It is so hard to wrap our heads around addicts' actions and words, and even our own when trying to relate and heal, but just try to let it go.
Take care of yourself today.

hopeful4

I understand this too, sort of like I hear alot of parents/spouses wanting to beat the crap out of the dealers that deal to their addict. Someone who has contributed to alot of the trouble your AH is in. Do I think that makes your AH not at fault? Nope. Do I understand your thought process? Absolutely.

It is hard to take the high road, but that is what you have to do. Just wait and see. A person with an attitude such as this is no where near accepting their own behavior and as much as I hate to say this, I would guess won't be very successful in their own recovery if they are blaming everyone else.

Also....even if he is thinking this, it is extremely rude and inconsiderate to say this to you.

Hugs to you. Hold your head high and see it for what it is...QUACK!

PS...If a person does not want to be called a druggie, they should not openly do drugs. Just saying. Maybe that is mean but it is what it is. When you see another person who in your mind contributed to ruining your life, you don't feel very protective of the name calling that goes on to that person. Yes, her AH made the choices he made. Yet our peers also either help us or drag us down. That's why we are here, to help each other.

Stucco

I would have been tempted to respond with a very sweet, "Good".

You are finally getting what you have wished for. Thank God!

zoso77

No. Your husband made the ultimate decision to go down the path he did.

ZoSo

HumbleNumb

this is not some "random guy", this guy was a close friend for a long time... At one time I felt like he was a big brother to me... I found this encounter with him today to be completely offensive considering that he has been such an integral part of where my AH is today...
Is my AH a helpless victim? NO WAY... is he to blame for his own choices? HECK YEAH...
No one here knows the history we have with this guy... and its not important. I was just hurt, deeply and on so many levels by his remarks.
(Hello pot... Hello kettle) sort of thing I guess...
anyway... I'm done with it.

hopeful4

HumbleNumb....I don't think you crossed a line at all. This happened today and caused you to need support, that is what we are here for. XOXO.

Kindeyes

No matter what association our loved ones might have with other addicts, using terms such as druggie, junkie, cokehead, crack *****, etc., doesn't really do anything to relieve our pain.....in fact.....I believe that it adds to it.

You showed great compassion by hoping that this man is sincere with his own recovery, as we all know, recovery is tough. And perhaps it will be best for your husband and this man to not see each other again.......

I do understand your feelings. I blamed my son's addiction on others for a very long time. Dealers, friends, women, my XAH......even myself.....but addiction is much more complex than that. When I find myself wanting to blame, it is usually an indication that I have some work to do on my own thought processes.

An interesting side note, one of the people I "blamed" for my son's addiction now has several years of recovery. He has been one of my son's best recovery friends and I am truly grateful for him. I regret (and have made amends) for treating him poorly years ago during my "blame phase".

gentle hugs
ke

BlueChair

Wow Im so sorry I think you showed amazing self restraint. Its shocking or pathetic depending on how you look at it, this guy doesn’t yet recognize how he was willingly spreading his disease to other people by constantly preying on them, lurking around just waiting for them to have a weak moment. He was a contributing factor to your husbands drug use, so are all people who transport drugs, sell them, swap them for favors. In my eyes they are worse off in every possible way than the person who buys it and retreats alone to use. Of course your husband was responsible for his choices but after the first few times his brain became rewired and he went into his own denial. The same type of thing caused my husbands relapse. An ex friend who showed up still using cocaine and hung around, offering of a few lines to my husband to help ease his stress, and that was all it took to send him off running. Wouldnt have happened if there hadn’t been opportunity along with his friends encouragement. Sure my husband made the choice to snort those first lines, but NOT THE SAME thing as pushing drugs.

Fortunately the legal system does make a distinction between those dealing and trafficking compared to people using for their own purposes. The ex friend and ex friends dealer both charged with distribution and trafficking. Way to go D.A.

HumbleNumb

I sincerely apologize for using a term that is entirely offensive.. and unacceptable.

I want to see him successful with his own recovery, and I mean that with all my heart. He has a son that is a precious kid, and he worships his father... I want to see him be well for his son, and for himself. I have prayed for this man for years... and not just because I didn't want him to have any influence in my AH life, but for HIM... to be free.

I do not live with the dillusion that if I can get all the "mean" people away from my AH, then he'll be a good boy and stop all this nonsense.... not by a long shot! There seems to be an endless line of folks ready and willing to "help the boy out"... not just this one guy... if its not him, it'll be someone else... I know that.

I just wanted to clear the air and say that I am still working on myself... One of the lessons on forgiveness I have had was due to this man, and his relationship with me and AH.. I simply couldn't help being offended this morning... and after everything is said and done, I hope he finds sobriety... and I hope that it will be used to give hope to the hopeless... including someone like my own AH..

Pamel

HumbleNumb, all this is VERY complicated; don't be hard on yourself. I think we all understand how you felt with your initial post. Enablers, druggies, recovering addicts... we can all change places...and change back.

I am an alcoholic, but I also enabled my second husband (while I was sober for many years), am a co-dependent with my current bf's problems, even as he has done everything he can to help me with my relapse, and so on. It is a maddening circle.

Hopeful4, as usual, has some great words here.

You sound like a terrific person HumbleNumb, and I wish you well.

Kindeyes

Does anyone remember the old Kennel Ration commercial......my dog's better than your dog......my dog's better than yours......my dog's better 'cause he eats Kennel Ration.....my dog's better than yours.

Some of the responses on this thread remind me of that commercial for some reason. lol

Thank you HumbleNumb for your apology. Considering that we share this wonderful forum that is SoberRecovery with others who are struggling with addiction, your apology was very much appreciated.

The people who used with our addicted loved ones can trigger us.....of that there is no doubt. And there is little doubt that our addicted loved ones probably trigger someone else because of their involvement with THEIR loved one.....and so it goes. My addict's better than your addict.....my addict's better than yours.......

gentle hugs
ke

hopeful4

Great post KE. Sometimes we...or I should say I....don't think about how someone else feels, especially a mother of an addict. I meant no offense. Addiction has really made me mad today! We are all affected in such different ways and from such different walks of life. It is sad that this is what has brought us together instead of some great and healthy reason.

God Bless!

dane5679

If we could have put them in a bubble to protect them.. they would still find a way to fill it with drugs one way or another. I totally understand though.. I am straight up rude to ppl that my husband bought from, used with, associated with.. I get it. BUT if he (your husband) wants to get clean.. he will tell them no and shut them out. I really feel for you. TRUST ME.. I've been there. TO the point when I'm driving through town and they are hanging on the street.. the thought has crossed my mind. Crazy, huh?

AnvilheadII

i'm sure your husband has thought or said similar things...about other people. knowing this guy is "the biggest druggie you know" what was your H doing texting him this morning? for all this guy knows your husband is still active....as it is he's got what about 3 weeks now? good idea for them both to steer clear of any of the old gang...dealers, fellow using buddies etc., and that means each other too!

bluebelle

I felt frustrated with the "friend" who was trading prescription drugs with abf. I was upset with her, and felt like if she wasn't around, it would help abf. Later, I was frustrated with the doctor who offered prescription pain pills to my abf when he didn't ask for them. That started another cycle of abusing drugs.

Still--abf chose to take the drugs from those people. He could have refused. He could have said he had an addiction and couldn't have them.

YearForMe

Did I miss something?

This guy got a new cell number and he's not giving it out....
but says your husband sent him a text this morning???

allforcnm

I was confronted with my husbands drug dealing office co-worker after he went into rehab. I asked him to leave my husband alone also. He told me not to worry he wasnt going to come chasing after him if he wasn't looking. Then, still dressed in his clothes from work, he offered to help me move some giant flower pots on our deck. All in all, he was a good guy who worked hard, but got caught up in drugs. Still I do hold the group from the office partially responsible for being dealers and offering my husband a wide variety of drugs when he had no previous exposure. They had a business basically and the more they sold the better. I know at least one has left that life, and I hope they all find recovery.

Also Im personally no more offended by the use of the term druggie than I was of the term junkie headlining another thread here recently... Or the term so frequently used "addict", "My addict", "my addict son", "addict husband", "recovering addict".... I just think ok, a person with an addiction. People first.

People are all different, some good & some bad even before the drugs. Only the symptoms of drug use are the same...however the stages of drug use are different so even the symptoms differ.... In the end, People are all individuals.

Its ok to get triggered, angry, and need to vent especially here on this forum.
It doesn't sound like you disrespected him at all when he was in your office. I think you handled it well.

HumbleNumb

Thanks allforcnm...
I can assure you I showed him no disrespect... I listened to him, despite the way it hurt... because that's what I do. As he told me how he had opened up to his employer, and they referred him to another agency for help, and how that agency was asking for $5000 for him to be in inpatient rehab... and as he ranted about how angry it made him that no one is there to help him...
I wrote down these words on a piece of paper and gave them to him:
"Setting Captives Free" and "New Wine"... and told him that I would continue to pray for him through this... and that I wished him the best. I will. I do.

I feel bad that anyone would be in this situation, from the addict to the loved one... What's done is done... and it is what it is...