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Old 02-01-2014, 08:12 AM
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Difficult

So, since my RAH has left to go to 14 month faith based program my life has gotten so much more difficult. My kids are struggling in school. My son got suspended from preschool for fighting with other kids. My son is upset that his father is gone. He makes comments on how much he misses him and needs him.

I think deep in my heart and mind I have come to the conclusion that this is what is best for our whole family. Dad (husband) needs to work out his inner demons before he can be the father my kids want in their life. My sons school social worker asked me if he was court mandated or went on his own... which he's done with court finally and did go on his own. Why would it make a difference for my son? He's still dealing with not having his dad.

My rationalization is that if he completes this program and continues to better his life and realizes that drugs can never be apart of his life again... that he has less risk of dying and NEVER being there for his kids.

I know in my head and heart that he would die one way or another to my kids if he keeps using. Even if he's physically walking, when he's using he cannot care for me, the kids.. no one but heroin. Ultimately if he relapses and can't move forward he would be dead to us anyway.

I want us to be together, and things be good.... but waiting.
Has anyone been the one waiting?
I'm using this time to better my life and i'm getting my son into play therapy and have my daughter in a learning center.

I love him and want him to feel the freedom sobriety has brought me. Four years of being free.. and everyday feeling better about my life and loving my life more. I realize he's not me. I realize that this may never happen, even with the program. I guess... it's just difficult. Anyway I think about it... it's difficult but for the best.

I know I will get through this and time makes everything easier. Just complaining. Sorry.
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Old 02-01-2014, 08:32 AM
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So sorry you are going through this... I know what you mean by "the one waiting". While my AH was in rehab it was a little hard at first, then became amazing. I mean.. we missed him and it was difficult being a "single" parent- BUT I made a decision that I was going to make EVERYDAY something special for me and the kiddos (6 and 3). We would do arts and crafts, play outside if we could, make believe games, go places, play sports, dress up.. etc. EVERY night at bedtime I was sure to read them stories etc. after their baths and tried to make sure I was giving them at least double the attention. I realized that while dealing with my AH during his use I was SO consumed with HIM and HIS issues and my grief and stress that I wasn't being the BEST parent that I could be.. or they needed. Slowly they asked for him less and less.. we still talked about him and how they felt about him being away.. but I tried to take THEIR focus off him for once also... It was a great time. I found myself REALLY enjoying our family again.. minus dad. Prayers and hugs to you.
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Old 02-01-2014, 08:49 AM
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Thank you dane!

My inner voices are just being mean to me. Which I have to work on. Like saying, the kids are suffering because you have made bad choices. Which, is untrue. This is a good choice for our family. Plus, I know the learning issues would still be present with or without dad. They were present even with him here.. because we switched schools. Her old district only had 2 hr. a day Kindergarten. So... her new classmates had a lot more school under their belts. Now, i'm paying for it.. but the learning center will catch her up. Feeling more hopeful. Just stupid inner voices. (there it goes again.. lol)

Last night we watched Frozen together.. and we baked cupcakes the night before. I also got my son involved with karate 4 days a week and my daughter does girl scouts and gymnastics. So... we are still living and having fun.

It's an adjustment.... but thanks for the kind words! Needed them.
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Old 02-01-2014, 09:22 AM
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Im sorry your feeling down today. Do you think the kids will adjust more in a few weeks? It hasnt been that long since he left and probably feels strange to them, but soon they will get to visit right? I hope everyone feels better soon and you have a nice weekend.
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Old 02-01-2014, 10:21 AM
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We have already had a visit with him

I think my son is especially feeling him leaving. My husband was not present for most of my sons first year and a half of life. Jail, Sobriety in OK for 6 months, visit home for 2 weeks, back to OK for 5 months, Jail (from a charge 2 years prior) and then home. So, he was around 1.5 by the time he was living with us on a daily basis for the last 2 years. Up until his last binge and jail sentence. Then he was home for two months and now off to 14 months living somewhere else.

I have made it clear that I don't want to live with addiction anymore. Not wanting it, and doing something about it is different. I told my husband that if he wanted his drugs and that life... that was fine. Yet, I also have MY choice of NOT wanting that life... and I would do what I had to do to have that life. This includes not being with him. He has his choices and I have mine. I hope that he can want sobriety more than heroin. I pray he can.

I'm trying to appreciate this time away. Hopefully time will make things easier. It usually does. I'm feeling more hopeful now.
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Old 02-01-2014, 11:13 AM
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KIR I really admire your actions as parent and person of late.
I cannot imagine how hard it is to be the acting head of the family who is dealing with both parenting and an addicted spouse.
Props to you for working so hard to care for kids, family, yourself and spouse.
Dane's idea of reading to the kids every night is a great one--that would be a natural time
for them to talk about anything on their mind and you to connect with and reassure them.
I remember my mom's stories at night so well and that was a really special time for me when
I was very small. Maybe it is something about sleep / safety / tucking in that is powerful.

I hope it will get easier with time and the focus on your kids and self.
I believe your telling AH that you have a choice / right to life without drugs just as he has a choice to use them was compassionate and very true.

I also believe it will be alright in the end.

I'm glad you are feeling more hopeful and I send you and your family good thoughts for the day and the rest of the weekend
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