Despair
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: ny
Posts: 3
Despair
My son returned from a 8 month rehab in Mississippi and relapsed within one month. IV heroin user. .he is still living with us but is using,and In a program and being monitored. We are being told to be patient and let the process happen as they are putting him on a antidepressant and saboxen. Feeling hopeless and want him out of our home but the experts say we need to be pattient as long as he is going to,his therapy sessions with them and his meetings. Very stressful,situation, any advice? I am in a support group,and therapy also,but am losing my mind.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Blondie...
I see you're new to us. Welcome to the Board.
I am going to defer to members who have gone through what you're currently going through -- I don't have children -- but I also want to offer you encouragement.
You're in a tough spot. On the one hand, it would be better for you if your AS weren't living with you. On the other hand, where does he go? Ultimately, what you're going to have to do is find a way to keep your sanity regardless of what your AS does. Finding us and sharing is a strong first step. It is also good that you're in therapy and have a support group. Consider us as a place where you are safe, you're amongst friends, and one of us will always be able to lend you a shoulder.
Hang in there.
ZoSo
I see you're new to us. Welcome to the Board.
I am going to defer to members who have gone through what you're currently going through -- I don't have children -- but I also want to offer you encouragement.
You're in a tough spot. On the one hand, it would be better for you if your AS weren't living with you. On the other hand, where does he go? Ultimately, what you're going to have to do is find a way to keep your sanity regardless of what your AS does. Finding us and sharing is a strong first step. It is also good that you're in therapy and have a support group. Consider us as a place where you are safe, you're amongst friends, and one of us will always be able to lend you a shoulder.
Hang in there.
ZoSo
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Blondie, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. If your son is still working the program, and if they know he's using, what is it about his behaviour that most worries you? For instance is he stealing, or not contributing to the household, or being abusive?
I'm just wondering if there's something about his behaviour (as opposed to him still using) that you can do something about?
I'm just wondering if there's something about his behaviour (as opposed to him still using) that you can do something about?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Welcome Blondie...I'm sorry for what has brought you here but want to assure you you've found a great site with very supportive people who can relate to your angst. My son relapsed at 9 months clean. It was a total kick in the gut. I've since learned it is quite common. I think the bigger question is...where is he mentally now that the relapse has happened? He is using it as motivation to get back on track, recommit himself to his recovery, looking at what may have triggered it? Or....have all the old behaviors returned as well? If they have, then you may need to establish some boundaries with him. Any possibility for a sober house? I'm sorry you're struggling....Please come here often and good for you for already working with a therapist and attending a group. Those are really positive things you can do for YOU...regardless of what he is doing. I often wish "oh...if only my son would choose recovery again..things could get back to normal"....but then I remind myself...what is normal? I've been dealing with this for so long. I just finally reached a spot where I needed to focus on what I could change, my own behaviors...and am now finding my newer normal is a lot healthier feeling. Big hug to you....
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Blondie:
I don't understand? He is home, he is using, and he is in a program? You said he is going to meetings, etc., but he is still using??
If he is in a program why isn't he living there? I don't know how patient I would be if he was using while in my home!
If it's an outpatient program, why are they condoning his using??
Wow, I'm confused about this one.
Hugs, Devastated
I don't understand? He is home, he is using, and he is in a program? You said he is going to meetings, etc., but he is still using??
If he is in a program why isn't he living there? I don't know how patient I would be if he was using while in my home!
If it's an outpatient program, why are they condoning his using??
Wow, I'm confused about this one.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......I can certainly relate to your anxiety....I've been there many times.
I'm glad to hear that you have a support group and therapist. If you're able to increase therapy sessions or attendance at your support group, that might help.
I always find myself wanting to force a solution when I get very anxious. Breathe deep. Talk to your support systems and the folks at your sons program. This doesn't have to be solved right now.
Glad you found SR....lots of parents on here.....we understand.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm glad to hear that you have a support group and therapist. If you're able to increase therapy sessions or attendance at your support group, that might help.
I always find myself wanting to force a solution when I get very anxious. Breathe deep. Talk to your support systems and the folks at your sons program. This doesn't have to be solved right now.
Glad you found SR....lots of parents on here.....we understand.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Blondie59 
My son returned from a 8 month rehab in Mississippi and relapsed within one month. IV heroin user. .he is still living with us but is using,and In a program and being monitored. We are being told to be patient and let the process happen as they are putting him on a antidepressant and saboxen. Feeling hopeless and want him out of our home but the experts say we need to be pattient as long as he is going to,his therapy sessions with them and his meetings. Very stressful,situation, any advice? I am in a support group,and therapy also,but am losing my mind.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
My daughter snorted heroin and the time period where she came out of rehab, was staying with us at the request of her counselors until an opening at a sober house and was struggling with keeping clean was most definitely the most stressful, crazy making time I ever experienced. I do feel your pain. That was quite some time ago, and I mean this with no disrespect to the specialists, but I have wondered whether their request was in her best interest, the family's best interest or that it was simply the easiest solution for them in their job.
I'm glad you have your own support system. I hope you continue to reach out and share your concerns with them as well as your son's counselors. If you were not able to open your home to him, they would have to consider alternatives, right? Is it healthy for either of you to be in an environment where everyone is walking on egg shells and waiting for the other shoe to drop? I believe in hindsight, that it wasn't in my case and I wish I had the strength at the time to speak more honestly with my child's counselors instead of just blindly agreeing to their suggestions. My gut was telling me it was wrong for all of us and I ignored it. It was what it was, but I share that in case it helps you.
I'm glad you came here - please take a look around - there's lots of support and for me, the best part was knowing I wasn't alone.
I'm glad you have your own support system. I hope you continue to reach out and share your concerns with them as well as your son's counselors. If you were not able to open your home to him, they would have to consider alternatives, right? Is it healthy for either of you to be in an environment where everyone is walking on egg shells and waiting for the other shoe to drop? I believe in hindsight, that it wasn't in my case and I wish I had the strength at the time to speak more honestly with my child's counselors instead of just blindly agreeing to their suggestions. My gut was telling me it was wrong for all of us and I ignored it. It was what it was, but I share that in case it helps you.
I'm glad you came here - please take a look around - there's lots of support and for me, the best part was knowing I wasn't alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Is there a possibility of a sober living home? I have to say, they are looking at him solely which is their job. Of course him having a roof over his head and his parents support is the best for HIM. What about YOU and your sanity? These are just my thoughts.
I am glad you are in therapy although I question, is it with his therapist or is it your own? I suggest you have a therapist that is your own that does not represent him in any way. You may already be doing that, if so I am sorry that I missed it!
Keep posting here, it will help you get support and it will help you to get it off your chest!
Hugs and God Bless!
I am glad you are in therapy although I question, is it with his therapist or is it your own? I suggest you have a therapist that is your own that does not represent him in any way. You may already be doing that, if so I am sorry that I missed it!
Keep posting here, it will help you get support and it will help you to get it off your chest!
Hugs and God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
blondie, i read your other posts, this is not his first rehab and you have spent an insane amount of money trying to "buy" his sobriety, and he wants none of it. they say be patient....for pete's sake, what about the 8 months in treatment? i must disagree with those who suggest you ALLOW him to use in your home. for all your efforts....HE'S STILL USING. he's 25. might be time to let him fly and figure this out on his own....because current methods are not having the desired effect.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: ny
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Blondie, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. If your son is still working the program, and if they know he's using, what is it about his behaviour that most worries you? For instance is he stealing, or not contributing to the household, or being abusive? I'm just wondering if there's something about his behaviour (as opposed to him still using) that you can do something about?
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Blondie:
You posted that he isolates himself, doesn't eat, doesn't work, doesn't communicate, etc., so sounds like he is not working any program. He is in his room using right? Not good for you or for him.
By allowing him to "flop" there and continue this behavior is not doing him one bit of good. What is he learning here? What do they mean "as long as he continues to go to his therapy?" What strides has he made? How long has he been in this therapy? I don't think these "experts" know he is still using. Although you said they are monitoring him? How so? Are they testing him? OMG! If they are testing him and they know he is still using, why are they allowing this?
Maybe I've missed something here!
I know how difficult it is to make your child leave the home! However, I'm sure you told him, before he came back home, the rules which were "no using" or out you'd go right? The first time he used he should have been out!
It is important that they know you mean what you say!! Just like when you discipline a child! You must follow through!
I did what you are doing for years and years. Don't be me, don't allow this to go on until he is well into his 40's! All you are doing is postponing the inevitable. Perhaps it's time to take a stand and mean it! Just keep saying to yourself, "it's for his own good!" Making him confortable and allowing the same behavior is not in his or your best interest! The only way he will get better is when he knows he has to help himself! The choices are his.
My son didn't get better until I finally leg go! I spent 35 years as a co-dependent!
Prayers heading your way,
Devastated
You posted that he isolates himself, doesn't eat, doesn't work, doesn't communicate, etc., so sounds like he is not working any program. He is in his room using right? Not good for you or for him.
By allowing him to "flop" there and continue this behavior is not doing him one bit of good. What is he learning here? What do they mean "as long as he continues to go to his therapy?" What strides has he made? How long has he been in this therapy? I don't think these "experts" know he is still using. Although you said they are monitoring him? How so? Are they testing him? OMG! If they are testing him and they know he is still using, why are they allowing this?
Maybe I've missed something here!
I know how difficult it is to make your child leave the home! However, I'm sure you told him, before he came back home, the rules which were "no using" or out you'd go right? The first time he used he should have been out!
It is important that they know you mean what you say!! Just like when you discipline a child! You must follow through!
I did what you are doing for years and years. Don't be me, don't allow this to go on until he is well into his 40's! All you are doing is postponing the inevitable. Perhaps it's time to take a stand and mean it! Just keep saying to yourself, "it's for his own good!" Making him confortable and allowing the same behavior is not in his or your best interest! The only way he will get better is when he knows he has to help himself! The choices are his.
My son didn't get better until I finally leg go! I spent 35 years as a co-dependent!
Prayers heading your way,
Devastated
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