TimeHeals831

hey guys, this is my first time posting and ive just been having a hard time lately, so heres my story;

i started dating my girlfriend a little less than a year ago. when we first started dating she told me she had an issue with heroin and that she reguarly smoked pot. i was okay with her smoking pot, i guess i just didnt think anything of it. but then things kept leading to her shooting heroin. everything about her using heroin scared the **** out of me, i hate seeing her nodding out and completely unable to function. so then she went and got help and then came out with flying colors and was doing great, then about 4 months later started smoking pot again. i was very scared because i didnt want it to lead to heroin, but i guess i was convinced it was gonna be okay. then one day at home, she had told me she was going to take a shower and about five minutes later i had went into the bathroom to get changed real quick and she hadnt gotten in the shower yet, and i look behind her on the counter and i see the needle and immediatley lost it. we were literally beating the **** out of eachother because i was trying to take it away from her. it was a horrible experience and then later on in the week we had made plans to go out and she wasnt answering any of my calls for hours. so i went to her house and i found her in her room completely lifeless. she was a very faint purple and i was shaking her and couldnt feel a pulse but then she finally came through. so i took her to the hospital and just when i thought i could relax because she was in good hands they told me to come in the back with them and were asking me if she had done any other drugs because they had to resuscitate her. long story short, she came through again and took very good care of her and she went into treatment and now 2 months later is smoking pot again..

i guess where im having a hard time is im still so concerned if shes gonna do heroin again and im gonna have to find her like that again. i know shes not my responsibility but i dont want to lose her like that. i get so scared that shes going to lie to me and that makes me feel like im not worthy of the truth. i know being in a relationship with an addict is hard work but i guess im just looking for some helpful tips for me not to focus so much on her and if shes lying to me about doing drugs or anything like that

Kindeyes

Hey there......welcome to SR. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.....it's really hard to watch.

You made a great statement....

After 30 years (of dealing with multiple addicts and their families....and volunteering with addicts and counselors), I can say emphatically that you hit a nail on the head........the "how tos" of how not to focus all of our energy on the addict and concentrate on what we can do for ourselves is of critical importance.

Finding someone who has overdosed and heading toward death's doorstep is a traumatic event......and one that can "color" the relationship indefinitely. The sad truth of addiction is that it is a family disease. It often significantly impacts others around it (SO's, spouses, children, parents, employers, you name it). It is evident that the events you describe have impacted you greatly.

I found that existing in a state of fear became my "normal". And let's face it, functioning in a state of fear is exhausting.....it's not "normal". It snuck up on me slowly.........I had to completely retrain myself on what a valid "normal" really was......much like an addict does through recovery.

Personally, I found my path to "normal" through private counseling and Nar-Anon. There are lots of ways to do it though and one is not necessarily "the best" unless it works for you. I can only share what worked for me.

I eventually became every bit as sick as the addict(s) in my life. I was worried 24/7. Obsessive. Controlling. Irritable. I couldn't sleep. I thought it was my responsibility to police, fix, and redirect the addict. And I became one heck of a detective. Quite honestly, I was pretty unpleasant to be around too! I struggled for a long time before I decided to get help FOR ME. I joined SR, I read, I studied, I sought professional help (private therapist), and I began to work the program that I wished the addict would work (I did this through Nar-Anon and 12 step work).

That's how I did it. I enjoy my life again. I do not obsess over what the addict is up to. I found joy and peace. I wish the same for you.

As far as smoking pot and drinking "just one little glass of wine with dinner"......I suppose some people can do it but the vast majority of addicts I know (and as I've said......I know bunches of them) acknowledge that ANY alcohol or drug has the potential to lead them right back to full blown addiction. I have also witnessed this time and time again. Acceptance is key to their recovery......and ours.

We can't control what the addict does....but we can establish boundaries of what is and is not acceptable to us. And that is a very individual thing. Personally, I cannot live with active addiction......it triggers a response and behaviors in me that are extremely unhealthy for me and everyone around me.

Glad you found us. Take a read around. SR members have become like family to me. I find strength in knowing that I am not alone....and neither are you.

gentle hugs
ke

TimeHeals831

i feel like you just described me to a T lol. its so nice to know that theres people out there that have been through similiar things and can understand. i am currently doing private therapy and ive been seeking nar-anon meetings in my area to attend to. my girlfriend has been telling me lately how its been making her so unhappy that i just keep asking her if shes gotten high and no matter what she replies with i still keep asking. so i know im def hard to be around and deal with. therapy has been working out for me (ive been in therapy for about 9 or 10 years) but this is the first time talking about being in a relationship with an addict. so im really looking forward to trying out the nar-anon meetings because even you just replying back to my post has kind of given me a sense of relief and etc. and im sure i'd find that in the meetings. thank you again so much for the helpful insight i truly appreciate it.

KeepinItReal

Hi timeheals,

I am married to a recovering heroin addict. My experience is that chronic relapse should be expected even if she shows a SEVERE want/desire to change. This is just my personal experience with my husband. Right now he entered a 14 month faith based program 3 weeks ago. I pray everyday that he stays and does this because relapse can equal death. It's very scary loving an addict. It is best to get yourself a support group. You are not alone.

SoberRecovery has been a great place for me to not feel alone... struggling with this. Not everyone decides to leave their partner.. others do, and it's a personal choice.
Counseling has done great things for me. Yet, I cannot afford to go more than once a month.
Good luck!

TimeHeals831

thank you keepinitreal! i will also pray for you and your husbands recovery. thanks for your support <3

AnvilheadII

and now 2 months later is smoking pot again..

here's the scary thing about addicts....whereas for most surviving a near death experience, being brought back from the brink, becomes a life changing and energizing experience, if an addict OD's and lives to tell about it, they come to believe they are invincible. 10 foot all and bullet proof.

i'd say there is a distinct possibility she'll be on to harder stuff again in no time. this cycle will repeat. she's a slave to the drugs....even tho she actually has the keys to freedom in her pocket.

only you can decide how much more of this drama you can take.