interrupted

I figured it was time for a small update. I've been struggling lately. I was doing really well, and I think I still am, but I'm having a very hard time stopping the future tripping. See, we've got a situation, and I know that I can't do anything about it, and I know I just have to take it as it comes, but I find myself worrying about events that haven't happened. We now have a baby in jail situation in my family. It's my cousin. I brought her up with my sister, she's always been the more "extreme" of the two as far as the drug issues go (whatever that means).

I don't even know what happens when someone has a baby in jail. The baby is currently a heroin addict, presumably, as the latest charges are heroin (again) and that has always been her DoC. I guess we just need some positive thoughts and prayers. This too will come to pass. I have no idea what the plan is. I get so sad when I think about it. I worry all the time that they are going to ask me to do something. What? Take the baby? I have no idea. I'm just worried about this poor child. I wish this wasn't happening. It's so hard to maintain strong boundaries when there's an innocent minor child involved. But none of this has happened yet - although there is a pretty distinct timeline, of course, within which somebody has to figure out what the heck to do. Sigh.

As an aside, because this was mentioned in another thread, to read her Facebook you would think this was a glorious planned occasion, all happy posts about welcoming a new bundle of joy. The posts were all in between jail stints, her life is a complete mess and she is recklessly addicted to drugs and endangering her baby's life. She found out when she was arrested, she was released, and now she's in again. Facebook isn't reality, not even close.

Readreadread

I am so sorry. Innocent kids and babies always makes my heart ache. I will pray for her, hopefully DCFS will step in and take over. I have adopted my niece due to DCFS. It is important to do some research so if you are considering helping so you will have all of the information. Stay strong and present, you never know how this situation will unfold.

Txhelp

I can only imagine the worry but like worry is....it's about the future.

Try to focus on today.....what can you do today?

Sometimes having a plan for the "what if" is helpful. For instance, if family asks you to take the child..what would your answer be. Once you make your decision of what you are capable of then there is nothing else to do.

Child protective service will be involved once the baby is born (i think). That may be a question thrown in your direction. I have to say....I don't want to raise any more children since my 2 have been difficult from teen to young adults. I could not see me starting the process over.

Everyone is different. You do what is best for you. Many times, babies are easier to get adopted. Maybe the mother can be selfless in that respect? Who knows.

Whatever happens it is mostly out of your hands. Focus on today.

Kindeyes

I can imagine your concern. Although it's easy for us to say "take it as it comes" it's not quite that easy is it? Innocents make things particularly hard.

You, your cousin and her little one will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Raider

I'm so sorry. Bless you and your family.

HumbleNumb

this is a bad situation... with HUGE consequences... but I am comforted today because I am reminded that no matter what the circumstances look like, or what probabilities the future holds for any of us... God's grace has already covered it.
This situation... God is all over it.
This baby... God has created and loves him/her and has it under control.

Keep your head up... and keep trusting in the One Who is bigger than everything we can create for ourselves...
Love and hugs... and prayers, unceasing for you today...

hopeful4

I am so sorry.

GardenMama

I am so sorry for your struggles, Interrupted. What a challenge...

Sending you hugs and strength.

Chino

I'm saying prayers for strength, courage, wisdom and serenity

jjj111

I'm so sorry, Interrupted. It's so frustrating to not be able to change other people's bad decisions. My sister did the same thing when she was pregnant, and still now that she has a child. Lots of happy pics. She told everyone that her child was in NICU after he was born because he was premature, but I'm sure that he was born addicted. I'm hoping you are able to protect your serenity as much as possible!

interrupted

It makes no sense to get upset about the horrible injustice of all the mothers that desperately want a child and can't have one, and the ones that can and for whatever reason can't do the right thing. I wish we had a system that worked. I wish there was such a thing as correctional rehabilitation instead of this endless revolving prison door. I wish I wish I wish. If wishes and buts were candy and nuts...

Enough! I just need to do some deep work on this to figure out what my plan for myself is going forward with this new reality. I do think it's a good idea to have some sort of idea of how I might respond to different general scenarios, but without obsessing over things that haven't happened yet. I'm worried about the guilt I will feel if I don't do anything. I know it will be relentless. At the same time, I don't think I'm going to do anything. I don't know. I don't need to know the answer to that right now. Just as with my recovery and my choices in changing my relationship with my sister and family, I know that once I focus on how my own recovery fits into this new situation I will be okay with whatever happens.

I remember being so scared when I first tried something new in the face of my previous patterns, I felt guilty then, too; but as I grew stronger in my recovery the stress and worry over no longer doing what was expected of me started to dissipate. It turned out much of the guilt was largely self-imposed. Now I just need to figure out how my recovery fits within this new challenging (to me) scenario. It seems so different because there's a poor baby involved, but I know I need to focus on myself. I have to trust in my recovery, it will guide me as long as I am true to myself.

Or, alternatively, I'll have a nervous breakdown and you'll watch me on the evening news: "Crazed lady takes to wilderness to live among pack of wild dogs, found wandering forest with nothing but bedroom slippers and several pounds of strawberry cheesecake." That could happen, too.

crazybabie

((((Interbear)))) I am praying for all of you and for you to find peace.

Or, alternatively, I'll have a nervous breakdown and you'll watch me on the evening news: "Crazed lady takes to wilderness to live among pack of wild dogs, found wandering forest with nothing but bedroom slippers and several pounds of strawberry cheesecake." That could happen, too.


I could not help but lol at this I have felt that way before. You will get through this I have faith. You have the tools now just to figure how to use them here start with a few deep breaths and remembering One day at a time and know we all love you.

interrupted

Thanks, Crazybear.

LoveMeNow

(((Interbear)))

You are in my prayers.

jjj111

Interrupted, you are so right, I have experienced the same thing. I often felt guilty when I began making decisions to protect myself from the chaos in my sister's life. There's only so much any of us can do to help others before we start interfering with our ability to care for ourselves. And you do deserve serenity, whatever that means as far as your boundaries in this situation. Did I understand correctly that you raised your cousin who is now having the baby? I don't know the circumstances that led up to that, but it sounds like you have already done so much to try to help your family. I identify because I worry a lot about my niece and nephew. They are both in bad situations because of their parents' choices, and there's only so much I can do to help them. I haven't even heard from my niece lately. I think that since I called CPS after hearing her mother was being violent toward her, that maybe her Mom is saying bad things about me to her. And what you said struck a chord about people who want to have children and can't. I want very much to have children but have just never met the right person, so it's especially hard for me to watch my brother and sister making what I see as very poor decisions as parents. Anyway, I hope you will find a way to be at peace with whatever decision you make. Doing nothing and seeing where the chips fall seems like a good approach if that is what feels comfortable.

zoso77

Interrupted...

I'm out of my depth on this one. I'm speechless. Prayers to you and your family.

ZoSo

interrupted

I was ten when my sister arrived, and I spent all of my time taking care of her. My mom was absent daily, whether at the bar or at home, and her family often went with her, leaving my cousin, who is the same age as my sister, with me as well. For a long time I felt very guilty for how my sister turned out, because most of her early education was from me - and I know now how important stability is at a young age, and we were anything but stable. I tried, though, I really tried to provide structure like I thought an adult should - and I've worked through most of that regret.

If anything we are a classic example of how addiction and dysfunction in a home creates a generational cycle of continued addiction and dysfunction. It's so textbook. We each fit into our own ACoA roles exactly as the book illustrates.

My cousin has always reminded me so much of myself. She has had a pretty rough go of it so far, and I really identify with an unspoken "brokenness" about her that she has been running from for so long. I used to run away like that also. Unfortunately we can't make someone come to terms with themselves and life, they have to do that on their own. She has to do that on her own. Until she does, I just don't see her being able to make smart decisions for herself, let alone for a baby.

greeteachday

I like Plan A much better than Plan B with the wild dogs and house coat. The cheesecake and a walk in the wilderness, and even the wild dogs as long as they treat you well, sound fine, but I hope you dress warmly if you escape to nature for some peace

I am saying a prayer for you and your family and the precious baby. What a difficult situation.