Hi guys, It has been awhile since I've written on here. I let my curiosity get the best of me just now. I went on a social networking site and searched my ex fiancé's page to see that he had made a lot of friends at an outreach/fellowship school in another country. He's all smiles in his pictures. Before we broke up, his parents believed that the reason why he relapsed was because of him not staying close to The Lord. I thought it was a joke but now that it seems like he is doing all dandy, I feel maybe it wasn't bs that his parents thought that. Could The Lord really have changed him? Granted that it's only been several months since his last relapse, could him getting closer to The Lord prevent him from another relapse? Is that possible? Any insight would be appreciated. :)

Hi SL! One thing I have noticed is that things always look very rosy on social networking sites. People post the happy stuff, and most people smile for pictures. Seeing pictures of an ex can bring back a lot of memories, but I hope you won't get too bogged down in wondering about him. How are YOU doing? Are you feeling less down these days?

Whether it's the Lord, Buddha, self, the 12 steps, etc, it's all about what we believe in.

What do you believe in? What happens when you move away from it?

SilentLove - I agree with jjj - seeing pictures, hearing second-hand updates is often far from the truth.

I can tell you this - I remember praying "PLEASE, God, don't let me use tonight" and I did...over and over.

I don't think that God cured me. I think He did for me what I couldn't do for myself - gather enough bad consequences that I truly wanted recovery.

I heard about an XABF a few months ago. He puts up a great front - happily married to his favorite codie, Mr. Personality. Truth is (from mutual friends) he's still drinking, he still has major issues and his idea of "happy" is far from mine.

I'm a double winner - recovering addict, recovering codie. I wouldn't trade my worst day for his "happy" and the only reason he was even mentioned was that my friends said "you are SO much better off without him, and doing great!!!"

Focusing on ourselves is always the best way to go, IMO.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

hi jjj111

I am doing a lot better than when I first started on this forum. :)

Yeah perhaps you are right about people posting "happy" pictures on social sites. Maybe it's a facade for all I know. Regardless, i won't be bogged down in these thoughts anymore. I haven't felt this way in a few weeks so I am allowed a day to be sad right? :)

SL, I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better! Time really does help. It takes a while to get some perspective after you've been hurt. And sure, it's totally normal to have the urge to check up on someone now and then. I guess for me in the past, I have just had to try to make sure that a little checking up didn't snowball into contacting the person and getting put through the wringer again. Keep your chin up!

Congratulations impurrfect! It must feel great to have come out a double winner. That's absolutely remarkable. I heard it takes a lot of strength. And dedication to get to where you are currently. yeah, a front is what it is because he was more than happy with me yet he still relapsed. maybe The Lord is just his guidance but he has to want it badly enough to stay away from it. When we were together, we went to church and all that, but I guess it didn't make a difference as he still relapsed.

I have spent a lot of time focusing on myself these past few months. Most of the days, I am so glad to have gotten away from all that chaos in his life as well as the company's drama. Other days, I miss him as the person I fell in love with, not the person who I fell out of love with. oh well, things happen for a reason. Better days will come for all of us :)

it has been long suggested that when a person turns to drugs, they turn away from their God, Higher Power, Higher Self and give their power over drugs and addiction. Part of the process of recovery is to take the power BACK and put it in it's rightful place. For many this happens thru a spiritual awakening, a psychic change, a fundamental shift in belief.

whether a photo on a social media site tells the whole story??? not so sure about that!

Thank you jjj111. It took awhile for me to get some perspective but I'm glad it was sooner than later. I can't imagine having married him and dealing with all of this. I am sad and happy at the same time if that makes any sense. I honestly don't have any desires to contact him. I definitely don't want to go through the wringer again.. Nope not me. I just like to see what he's up to these days. Is it wrong for me to wish bad on him? I know that the business is not going well and he has a court hearing in a month or two that could potentially take all his assets away.. am I wrong to want him to have nothing so he can realize what a terrible person he is?

You are always so good anvil! I think all of your responses hit home. :)

hmmm.. That's interesting that you said part of the process of recovery is taking back that power. If I remember correctly, he said he needed to let go of wanting that control and power and hand it over to his higher power. is that contradicting or am I not understanding it correctly?

the picture definitely doesn't tell the whole story but for that split second, I thought it did. HA, silly me :)

well it can sound contradictory...for me i had to completely accept that i could not control my drug use, my drug use controlled me. crack told me how long i could stay at work, how much money would be in my bank, what i would be doing every other day and even had control over my bowels. again for me, i had to make the decision that that stupid drug was no longer going to BE in control of me....and i took back that power by NOT USING. if i don't use, if the drug does not enter my body, i stand half a chance!

but i also know i wasn't really a good candidate to run the show, since it was my best thinking that got me addicted to crack!!!! so i had to hope and believe that there was a greater good, something that held the universe together and gave us humans the ability to recognize beauty and i chose to let THAT power be my guide. none of it would happen without my FULL consent.

Wow. This is, in my eyes, a loaded open-ended question. So, I'm going to give you a loaded open-ended answer.

While I believe that while we can turn to God (The Lord) to help restore ourselves to sanity, I also believe that we're the ones that have to do the work to restore ourselves to sanity.

The greatest gift, and curse, God has given us is Free Will. And with that Free Will comes consequences. I would argue that your ex has made a lot of bad choices, and I would further argue that God's not going to stand in your ex's way if he wants to make more bad choices. God is there to give us strength, but He isn't going to get in our way if we choose to do things that aren't in our best interests.

Whatever his parents believe is what they believe and, truthfully, isn't a concern of yours.

As far as pictures go on social media...I hate it. Hate FaceBook. Grand Theft Auto V parodies FaceBook by calling it LifeInvader. I think that's about right.

Anyone can post anything at any given moment on social media. So your ex posted a bunch of pictures. So what? Worry about you, not him.

ZoSo

Recovery is an inside job, IMHO.

I love what Zoso wrote because that is exactly how I think it is. I do not believe you can just pray and God will just take everything away without anyone having to do the work. I believe if you are sincere that God will light the way for you and give you the strength and maybe lead you in the right direction or put someone there to help you. That is just my opinion though and I do not believe it happens for everyone!
Like everyone else has told you, we can put up anything we want on FB can't we? Except for extreme drama queens (and kings) most put up a good front no matter what they are going through.
I understand the feeling of wanting to "check up' on him. I think that is normal but now you know no matter what he puts up, it doesn't mean anything really.
Now that you got YOUR fix, time to move on and take care of you because in the end, that is what it most important, right? Because what did you really get from looking at his FB? More questions that you really don't need to worry or think about so leave it behind, move on and focus on taking good care of you and finding things that make YOU feel good (which spying on FB ex's usually does not!). Hugs.

That may be one of the best explanations I've heard in a great while of a difficult thing to explain. :tyou

Thanks all, you all have made really good points. I know there's no possible way that he can just turn his power over to God and have him turn him into a normal human being. I really wanted to believe that it was possible.

I will not give into the urge to look anymore. It doesn't serve me any good. I guess I just wanted to see him really hit rock bottom so he can turn his life around and realize how terrible he's made others in his life feel. I guess I will leave that up to time. Eventually he will feel that. If not then I guess I won't have to worry about it anymore. :)

I don't necessarily believe he hasn't found recovery through God. He is really the only one who truly knows. MY advice really was to say since you don't know, why drive yourself nuts worrying? You will really never know and at this point, it would be best for YOU to not wonder and move on with your own life.

[QUOTE="needingabreak;4435532"]I don't necessarily believe he hasn't found recovery through God. He is really the only one who truly knows. MY advice really was to say since you don't know, why drive yourself nuts worrying? You will really never know and at this point, it would be best for YOU to not wonder and move on with your own life.[/QUOTE


Oh I understood what you meant needingabreak! I just wanted to add more that's all. it's his problem, not mine so I will continue to focus on myself :)

this. is. gold.

:scoregood

Silentlove, I have to agree with what zozo, chino, and needingabreak said. It is possible to turn your power over to your Higher Power and let him help you through your recovery. I've done this myself. I believe it was my Higher Power that led me towards my recovery and has given me strength to get through this so far. I also believe in free will and that the person has to make the choices as well as do the work.

I also agree that everyone smiles in pics and I doubt you could judge a person's recovery through their Facebook page. I just wanted to add that since you were engaged you probably got to know him pretty well. You would most likely know if he was the type of person who could and would be able to give his power up to God. I guess people can change but most who knew me from the past knows that I'm a person who believes in God and has a lot of faith in Him.

I think you already know (so won't elaborate) what you should do to keep yourself happy, healthy and moving forward.