Where to start...?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1
Where to start...?
Hi I am new here, this is my first post. My family has been dealing with my addict brother for over ten years. He continues to live at home despite everything he has put my parents and I through and I have had to move out because of him. My mother continues to enable him and my father is at his wits end with the situation and would like to kick him out but won't because my mother cannot deal with the thought of him on the street. So they both keep putting up with his outrageous behavior: overdoses, hospitals, police, courts, apprehended violence orders etc etc. I have managed to get out but I have survivor guilt. It is so hard to stand by helpless and watch my addict brother continue to ruin my parents lives. I have tried so hard to get them to see the light and how they continue to enable him but to no avail. I just wanted to share my story and there's so much more I could say but thankyou to everyone on this forum, it helps to know there are other people out there going through the same thing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 127
Welcome to SR. I'm so sorry that your situation brought you here. I'm the mother of an addict. It's one of the most difficult things in the world to go through. Others will be along to welcome you also. SR is a great support system full of wonderful people and a lot of valuable information. When you get some time,read the stickies at the top of the forum. There's a lot of insight there. Have you tried going to any meetings like Al-alon? They can be very helpful. Feel free to post and share. Stay strong.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Glad you are here...It's such a difficult thing to go through. I can relate to the survivor guilt- As my life got better, I had to remind myself that those who stayed stuck in the problem do have the power to choose a solution. it applies to all aspects of life - not just dealing with addiction.
it can be painful to realize that just as you can't make your brother find recovery, you can't fix your parents either. Hopefully your example will give them hope and they will seek help for themselves. Hope you stick around for the great support here.
it can be painful to realize that just as you can't make your brother find recovery, you can't fix your parents either. Hopefully your example will give them hope and they will seek help for themselves. Hope you stick around for the great support here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome.......although as always......I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
I am also the parent of an addicted son. I have been where your parents are.....enabling and desperately trying to save my son from the scourge of drugs. I hope some insight that I share will help you understand your own parents.....
My son is my DOC (drug of choice). I am as addicted to him as he is to his DOC. In the height of my "active addiction".....anyone who tried to get between me and my drug of choice became "the enemy".
Family members couldn't tell me that I had a problem......it simply would have caused friction between me and that family member.
The people who finally broke through MY denial were other addicts and alcoholics in recovery. I
I was (like your mother) afraid to put my son out "on the street" but I eventually did......and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I eventually did it out of self preservation.....just like you left to save yourself.
Each of us (including your parents and brother and YOU) have choices. You chose to take care of you......and that was a healthy response in the midst of the chaos of dysfunction that is brought about by addiction. My daughter did the same thing and I admire her for it. Her gently and lovingly detaching from the chaos is one of the many things that woke me up and helped me see that I had choices to make too.
When faced with the family disease of addiction, the best thing that anyone can do for the addict, for the family, and for themselves......is to take care of themselves first. I don't mean that in a selfish and cruel way.......I mean it in a healthy, self preservation way.
I found help in the rooms of Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and with a private therapist. Sometimes showing the way by our actions is more powerful and effective than trying to talk someone into changing their behavior.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I am also the parent of an addicted son. I have been where your parents are.....enabling and desperately trying to save my son from the scourge of drugs. I hope some insight that I share will help you understand your own parents.....
My son is my DOC (drug of choice). I am as addicted to him as he is to his DOC. In the height of my "active addiction".....anyone who tried to get between me and my drug of choice became "the enemy".
Family members couldn't tell me that I had a problem......it simply would have caused friction between me and that family member.
The people who finally broke through MY denial were other addicts and alcoholics in recovery. I
I was (like your mother) afraid to put my son out "on the street" but I eventually did......and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I eventually did it out of self preservation.....just like you left to save yourself.
Each of us (including your parents and brother and YOU) have choices. You chose to take care of you......and that was a healthy response in the midst of the chaos of dysfunction that is brought about by addiction. My daughter did the same thing and I admire her for it. Her gently and lovingly detaching from the chaos is one of the many things that woke me up and helped me see that I had choices to make too.
When faced with the family disease of addiction, the best thing that anyone can do for the addict, for the family, and for themselves......is to take care of themselves first. I don't mean that in a selfish and cruel way.......I mean it in a healthy, self preservation way.
I found help in the rooms of Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and with a private therapist. Sometimes showing the way by our actions is more powerful and effective than trying to talk someone into changing their behavior.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I'm so sorry for the issue that brings you here with your parents and brother but as the mother of a drug addicted son I can understand the worry your mother has and the frustration you feel with her for not putting your brother out.
As a parent it is so hard to be strong enough to do what is best and allow the addict to figure it out on their own without the parent's enabling (which we perceive as help).
I am so thankful to the people here who have helped me get to that point where I've let go and let God. Learning that we cannot make our son change or get help was one of the toughest lessons I have ever learned. He is in recovery but has had a few lapses.
I pray every day he gets the help he needs and ends his addiction for good.
I pray too that your brother comes to that realization and your parents find the strength to allow him to do so on his own.
Please continue to come here and post. Al anon or Naranon are great tools to help in dealing with an addicted loved one.
As a parent it is so hard to be strong enough to do what is best and allow the addict to figure it out on their own without the parent's enabling (which we perceive as help).
I am so thankful to the people here who have helped me get to that point where I've let go and let God. Learning that we cannot make our son change or get help was one of the toughest lessons I have ever learned. He is in recovery but has had a few lapses.
I pray every day he gets the help he needs and ends his addiction for good.
I pray too that your brother comes to that realization and your parents find the strength to allow him to do so on his own.
Please continue to come here and post. Al anon or Naranon are great tools to help in dealing with an addicted loved one.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Welcome to our home. Why does each and every post here remind me of me!! I know exactly where your Mom is coming from. I also know the friction the addicted person can cause between family, especially mom and dad. I was your mom, my husband was your Dad. My husband is the stepfather!!
I cannot tell you how many times I replaced one camera so my husband would not know son stole it! I cannot tell you how many times I gave him money, so he wouldn't have to steal, and then lied to my husband in order to cover for myself and him.
I cannot tell you how many times I went to the pawnshop to buy our belongings back, all the the QT!
I knew I was leading a double life, but this was the only way I knew how to protect my son from getting "kicked" out of the house.
Like your Mom, I couldn't imagine him on the street with no way to take care of himself.
I did this for 35 years!! It is a wonder I'm not dead with the stress I endured and quietly. How many times I put on that happy face, and was dying inside.
Finally, I found this forum and little by little realized what a fool I had been. I realized how my actions were not helping my son, but crippling him instead. It sure didn't happen overnight!! I lost my daughter because of it too. To this day, 15 years later, she doesn't speak to me. Once I even put our house up as bail, unbeknownst to my husband. Thank the Lord he show up in court, as he had been MIA for one month prior to the court appearance. OMG, I cannot believe what I did to protect him. In return I got nothing but disrespect!
I don't know how or when it finally dawned on me that I was not helping him. I was on this forum for a long time before I healed!
Perhaps you should tell your Mom about the forum. It was difficult to share my problems at first, but later it became my survival. It helped me, and my son. When I finally reached that point, I let him go, and I let him to with love.
Today he is on his way to a happier life. Even quit smoking! I still take it day by day, but realize now that his choices are his own and I haven't the power to change anything except my own thoughts and actions.
My prayers are with you
Hugs, Devastated
I cannot tell you how many times I replaced one camera so my husband would not know son stole it! I cannot tell you how many times I gave him money, so he wouldn't have to steal, and then lied to my husband in order to cover for myself and him.
I cannot tell you how many times I went to the pawnshop to buy our belongings back, all the the QT!
I knew I was leading a double life, but this was the only way I knew how to protect my son from getting "kicked" out of the house.
Like your Mom, I couldn't imagine him on the street with no way to take care of himself.
I did this for 35 years!! It is a wonder I'm not dead with the stress I endured and quietly. How many times I put on that happy face, and was dying inside.
Finally, I found this forum and little by little realized what a fool I had been. I realized how my actions were not helping my son, but crippling him instead. It sure didn't happen overnight!! I lost my daughter because of it too. To this day, 15 years later, she doesn't speak to me. Once I even put our house up as bail, unbeknownst to my husband. Thank the Lord he show up in court, as he had been MIA for one month prior to the court appearance. OMG, I cannot believe what I did to protect him. In return I got nothing but disrespect!
I don't know how or when it finally dawned on me that I was not helping him. I was on this forum for a long time before I healed!
Perhaps you should tell your Mom about the forum. It was difficult to share my problems at first, but later it became my survival. It helped me, and my son. When I finally reached that point, I let him go, and I let him to with love.
Today he is on his way to a happier life. Even quit smoking! I still take it day by day, but realize now that his choices are his own and I haven't the power to change anything except my own thoughts and actions.
My prayers are with you
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
WElcome to the forum.
Essentially it's a str
ong call when it comes to addicted family members.
Enabling is a very natural impulse but it often just worsens the essential problem.
Sometimes really tough love is the way to go!
You should'n feel guilty; I know it can be hard though!
Essentially it's a str
ong call when it comes to addicted family members.Enabling is a very natural impulse but it often just worsens the essential problem.
Sometimes really tough love is the way to go!
You should'n feel guilty; I know it can be hard though!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 18
Hi Andalucite, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It must be so hard to watch what your parents go through the chaos. You did the right thing getting yourself out, you have to take care of yourself. I'm the mom of an addicted son and have done just as your parents are for way too long. I understand why your parents do what they do. It's nature, instinct, to help your children, it just feels right as a parent. Not enabling our kids FEELS so wrong at first, and I think that's why so many parents, like me, have so much trouble changing their behavior. I didn't even know what enabling was, or that I was doing it, for years. Once I educated myself about addiction and enabling, I was appalled at all the things I had done wrong.
Maybe if you can help educate your mom, she too will begin to see things differently. It's not easy for a parent to change her way of thinking, but she needs to realize that she is hurting, not helping, your brother. Make her aware of the help and learning tools available to her. Simply reading this site could be a good start for her, and your dad too, it has helped me more than I can say.
Maybe if you can help educate your mom, she too will begin to see things differently. It's not easy for a parent to change her way of thinking, but she needs to realize that she is hurting, not helping, your brother. Make her aware of the help and learning tools available to her. Simply reading this site could be a good start for her, and your dad too, it has helped me more than I can say.
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