Bluebell13

This is my first time at soberrecovery.com. I can't even remember how I got here, but I'm happy I did. I first posted this thread in Newcomers to Recovery, but this forum was suggested for me to visit, and upon coming here, I feel my post may fit in a little better here. I would really love to hear from some other people that have gone through something similar, especially other mothers.

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After literally spending that last eight and a half hours reading through this forum, I think I'm finally ready to post. What's brought me here is my frustration over the troubles I'm having with my relapsed boyfriend. Let me rewind a bit and give somewhat of a backstory.

I was just getting out of a bad relationship and met my now boyfriend. We hit it off but kept things as sort of a friends with benefits type thing. Fast forward a few months, and I found out one day that I was pregnant. I tell him. We decide at that point to put our feelings for one another aside and make our relationship one of just being friends so that we could co-parent with clear heads instead of trying to force a relationship just because we had a baby coming. I learned from a mutual friend while pregnant that he had a bad history with opiates, even shooting up, but I was told that was in the past. We carried on as just friends, but our feelings for one another grew until we were in a situation where we were basically living together. As we started spending more time together, I began to see his addiction myself. It got to where he was lying and dozing out at the time. I even went into my living room one day to see my then-toddler holding a spoon and a syringe in his hands! This was all way too much, and I told him he had to choose either continue using and find somewhere else to go or stay and get clean. He chose to stay and started a program at a suboxone clinic (early 2011). He stayed on that until Dec 2012 when he decided it was too expensive and that he could handle recovery on his own. I was worried it was too early because he never really participated in counseling or meetings, so I encouraged him to stick with it until he was able to work on learning what it was that triggered in use in the first place. He quit anyway. In March 2013, I discovered his relapse...or I guess you could just say I discovered several hidden and dirty spoons. I had had some doubts about his sobriety, and the spoons proved them right. I had always been very vocal about how he could come to me if he ever relapsed, and as long as he was honest about it and made an effort to help himself, I would be there to support him. Otherwise, he would have to leave my home.

Well...he never left. I really put my foot down for a bit and was very firm, but somewhere I faltered. I started feeling like *I* was a bad person for kicking him out. I had so much guilt because I was making it so that my son would no longer have his father at home everyday. It was all too much, so I just kinda repressed all the bad emotions, ignored everything my head was telling me to do, and just tried to make it through *hoping* he'd get his **** straight but scared to death to ever even discuss it with him. He's still here, and life has just become so strained. Any mention of him using turns into a yelling argument. He's so defensive and cruel in the things he says to me. If I know he's used and say something about it, he starts with "Why do you always have to go questioning me?!" and blah, blah, blah. (I'm sure you've all heard it on repeat, too.) He will even go on to tell me that I'm crazy, that I'm wrong--he is not using BUT I am MAKING him want to use. This pisses me off because HE IS ALREADY FREAKING HIGH!!! So I get upset, start yelling and look like a fool, at which he suddenly adopts a nice, cool voice to say nasty things with...and he knows exactly what to say to cut the most. Once it's over and done with, I'm left a stressed-out crying mess and he's still just ok because he's high and nothing hurts him when he's high. I hate it because I get too upset in front of my son. He should never see us argue like that. And I know I look like that bad one to our son. My ABF can lie through his teeth and say the most hurtful things but with a happy tone and end up looking like the good guy because I'm in the one doing most of the yelling and crying. I don't want to be that way. I am just sooooooooooooooooooo FRUSTRATED!!!

Now it's coming up on almost a year since I learned of his relapse, and nothing is getting better. I sent him a note last night telling him I was worried about our current situation. I told him that have seen changes in myself after dealing with these stressors for so long, and that I have to change. My focus has fallen more on my bf and what he is/isn't doing than on my son. Time I used to spend planning activities and outings are now spent trying to just make it through another day without imploding. All of this is also negatively affecting my schooling because OF COURSE I put it on hold all the time so I can deal with his drama. I told him that I didn't know what I expected to happened, but that I know myself and I know my mental health can't take another year like that last. I'm bipolar and have deal with MY OWN mental struggles day in and day out. My mental health is a very fragile thing at times, and I have to be able to protect it if I aim to be a good mother. Since I sent the note, we have barely talked. He pawned a guitar earlier this week and used the money to buy pills. I'm pretty sure he knows I have caught on to this. I think it's part of what's keeping him quiet. If we talk about my note, then we're going to end up talking about the pawn shop, too. I know he's embarrassed and ashamed and all that, but what about me?! I'm tired...too damn tired...and so confused.

I don't exactly know what I'm hoping to get from this post. I just know I needed to get it all out there. I feeling like the weight of his addiction is being carried on my shoulders instead of his.

Kindeyes

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First....welcome to SR....most of us can relate to your post. It is very difficult to live with active addiction.

I highlighted the two portions of your post because those are two of the most observant comments I have ever read from a new poster.....and I've been around for a while.

I'm sure there will be others to come along and welcome you. The good news? It is possible for us to survive the addiction of someone we love. As I've moved along through my own journey (exhusband and adult son are addicted), I've discovered that often....I don't have problems......I just have solutions I don't like.

Again...welcome to the forum. If nothing else, you'll learn a lot about addiction and a lot about how we cope with it.

gentle hugs
ke

KeepinItReal

You are not alone.

I have felt the way you have felt. Kindeyes is right. Most likely their are solutions for your problems.. but it's not going to be easy.

Guilt is a MAJOR killer for us. We say that it's for the kids sake (I have a 3 & 7 yr old) ... my husband is a RA of IV heroin. He started trying to quit... August of 2010. He recently (2 weeks ago) entered a 14 month program (we can visit every sunday) I'm hoping he stays in and really changes his life. The damage he did... well.. you can read through my posts.

The kids will be okay. I promise. If explained in a way that they understand... then it will be okay. I also have my daughter (7years old) seen by her school social worker. These are tough issues but for the "sake" of your son... stop suffering. Get the help for YOU. Your BF or H (whatever) will slowly or quickly get worse.. not better. He needs help.. from professionals.. and as I learned... I was the last person that could help him. I was actually the worse person.. bc I loved him too much.

Bluebell13

Thank you! As far as the stressors and changes go, I think it's because I was diagnosed bipolar about twelve years ago, so I've had A LOT of practice paying special attention to how my moods, triggers, sleep and eating habits, anxieties, personal hygiene, etc. change over time. I'm not always aware, but I try!


You hit the nail on the head. I think I just keep hoping I'll come up with some alternative solution that gives my son and me what we need without any of the heartache. Part of me knows the search is futile, but the other part of me is too naive to see the truth. (Or maybe just unwilling?)


I know that is a HUGE thing for me. It's actually one of the parts of bipolar that manifests itself the most in me. For as long as I can remember, I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty about things I don't even do! Add the boyfriend stuff on top, and I turn into a freaking mess. My son will be five soon. Do you have any advice on how to explain it to someone so young?

We almost completely split last year a little bit after I found out about the relapse and after I saw that he wasn't going to work on getting better. I held my resolve and stood strong through days of him crying and begging me no. I knew that I had made the right choice for myself, my son AND for him. (He needed time alone so he could focus on himself.) I was feeling better and more confident. The split was something that I think I'd secretly been wanting deep down inside for a long time. I felt liberated! But then I found out he was talking to a girl. Everything fell apart then. I fell apart. Then it was ME begging HIM to come back! I literally got down on my knees at one point. I'm so ashamed of myself for that. (I haven't even told anyone about that, but I figured I should be open and honest. If anyone can understand, it's probably someone on this board.) Ugh, I can still feel the way the grass blades felt against my knees.... Anyway, what happened next was so unexpected to me. The minute he said ok, he'd be with me, the biggest wave of regret washed over me. I was acutely aware of just how much I really didn't want to be back where I was--I lost everything I stood so strong on in days that led up to that. I became weak again. I've regretted begging him to come back pretty much ever since then. There have been times since then that things have been...better, but I still think I'd be in a better place if I would have just gone ahead and left (or kick him out, it's my home).

Thank you guys for the support. It helps me keep a clearer head. I've gotta change these habits! Can anyone direct me to a good book about codependency that is not religion-based? I've found a bunch of books on codependency, but I am not sure where to begin.

Txhelp

I don't have much to add but so glad that you made it here! Support is essential when we are feeling so awfully alone....

Prayers to you.

Nina Kay

Hi Bluebell13. I just wanted to say welcome too. I don't really have anything to add, since I am the Mother of a grown addict son, not a spouse.

I do seem to be hearing in your posts that you already know what you need to do and I know that you will when you come to the point where you are sure.

One of the things I've heard said here is to always; 'say what you mean & mean what you say'. I really do know that this is critical when dealing with an addict, no matter what the relationship is.

I hope that you'll keep coming back here often to post & to read others posts, as there are many young women in relationships w/addicts that have young children.

Maui78

Hi Bluebell. You could be my long lost twin. Just kidding. But seriously, I am in a relationship with a recovering( this month) opiate addict. I am also bi- polar. Finally accepted my diagnosis about a year ago. As I bust my ads to live better, face my demons, and deal with my stuff, my partner gets better, relapses, lies, and rips my trust and our foundation out from under us. I am just as much a participant in this dance as she is. I draw boundaries, back off. Rinse and repeat. She has made tremendous progress in the past two years, but can I deal with this for the rest of our lives? I don't know. It's a lifetime battle for addicts, especially opiate addicts. I know vigilance is key to my recovery, as well as hers...I guess I just want you to know you are not alone. Glad u are here.