bottomline

Our family (my husband, son, daughter, SS and me) went to SS's therapist and the five of us met for an hour and a half with the head therapist. She was wonderful and very smart. I won't go crazy into the details, but there were some very important issues which were drawn out. My husband was able to see from somebody else what I've been telling him all along-there is no fixing or guiding or anything he can do for his son. Right now, we are in neutral...everyone agreed to throw in the towel for right now and just chill the heck out. My husband and I are going to be set up with and go to a therapist to help us come to an agreement on how to take back our household. What we both can tolerate, expect and the whole nine yards. There will be boundaries and rules set up and hopefully, the therapist can help us work together instead of being on opposite sides of the universe when dealing with SS. I think this is what we desperately need...It is very clear to me that my tolerance of SS's behaviors are just about at zero. My husband, is not at all there yet. This is the root of the problem. We typically are on the same page with just about everything-always joke saying we are "split aparts" or cut from the same cloth. But not with his son...and I get it. It is going to take some time. If my husband comes to the point where he will agree and stick to giving his son consequences, then we can make it. If my husband is going to be forever trying to fix his son, continuously feel responsive, enable, etc., then I will have to do what it right for me because I will not live that way. I am very willing to give it time...From some of my husband's comments yesterday in the therapy session...I think he understands exactly what needs to happen...but, it is easier said than done.

hopeful4

It is easier said than done, especially with his son I am sure. That being said, I think you have hit the nail on the head. It is very healthy that you all went and did this. A step many don't ever make it to. It's good to give him time to have these realizations and to actually apply what he is learning.

Good for you!

EnglishGarden

Wonderful post.

Txhelp

So glad to hear that you received help.

At least, as a family, you will have a plan and get on the same page.

It's wonderful that as a family you did this...

bottomline

Boy, am I trying real hard tonight to keep my towel thrown in. Especially when my husband goes ahead and forks over $500 for SS's truck repair. I was told this is a deal because it started out over $1,000. Wow. Talk about missing the point. Please...send me good vibes to get through this night and tomorrow, etc. To me, this is not throwing in the towel at all. More of the same.

bottomline

And in less than 5 minutes of being home, SS is heading out to take his GF to her sister to drive her or someone to help with some lost keys...yadda yadda yadda. I just said "ok". My husband isn't here to know about this because after bringing SS to pick up his fixed truck, my husband went to Verizon to get help activating his new cell phone. So, there you have it.

Nina Kay

Oh Wow, I'm very familiar with all of those goings ons. Sorry you're going through this. I know all of the emotions that go with it all. Things really do get some better eventually, one way or another. Hang in there.

YearForMe

And now topics for the next therapy session huh?

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It is so aggravating, I know...I've been there too.

EnglishGarden

I re-read your previous post to see whether you have an individual counselor. I don't think you do...But perhaps you just haven't mentioned it or I missed it in another post. But if you don't.....

We just really always have to bring the focus back to us. I am a broken record on this, but it really is key.

Take, for example, marriage counseling....if someone goes into marriage counseling because the primary goal is to get the counselor to fix the crazy spouse, well, it doesn't work out. Both people have issues. Both. You have issues, there are certain things you cannot see clearly, there are unconscious behaviors, there are expectations and all kinds of projections.

I can tell you that if you were married to an alcoholic for over ten years and you have not gotten any serious counseling or have not been in Al-Anon for a number of years, that there is a lot going on in you that you do not understand yet. If you did not do any serious recovery work after that last marriage to an alcoholic, then this marriage and these addiction issues are going to bring back the past, and you will fall into unconscious behaviors and incorrect thinking.

I am not suggesting you remove yourself from the group counseling, or from couples work, but I am suggesting that in some way, in a serious and structured way, you need to do your own individual work, if that is not happening yet.

After the last failed marriage due to addiction, if you walk out on this marriage with its addiction issues, thinking it was all "him" and "them" and not much "you", then there is a really good chance that in the future, in some way, without recovery on your part, you are going to be again in this pickle.