gothbarbie

oh wow that does sound like my story except for I don't think he ever cheated on me to my knowledge. he was a very good actor at what he did I will say that. I call him the sweetheart swindler lol it was my first relationship ever dealing with someone on drugs so I took it pretty hard I didn't know what to do but now since being on the forum in reading advice it helped immensely. I'm not going to sit here and sugar coat it or lie but I do miss him really bad but I know I'm better off without him. I'm still pretty much homeless living on the peoples good graces but that is okay I am writing a book as we speak and I am trying to put this all behind me and make it part of my past. all in all I have to say that given the circumstances after our split he went on to talk smack about me to other people, I know this because he had a friend that was on my facebook and that friend deleted me for some odd reason I never did anything to anyone except love them and that is the treatment I got but then again we're but then again we are speaking about an addict. I'm not sure if I'll ever receive the apology that I feel I deserve however I honestly feel that I have not heard the last of him just yet. its only been 4 months

gothbarbie

he would play this little game with me okay he likes me one day tells me he thinks we're meant for each other then 2 days later oh I don't know about this relationship. this would go on and on even talk of moving to Colorado together sometimes even Europe which I just laughed to myself on the inside because I knew he wasn't ever going to do that. I mean hell he was with a girl before me for 10 years and engaged and he could never. but like everyone else on this forum I chose to ignore the red flags and wanted to fantasize about a relationship I was never going to havego forth and marry her and did not want kids that should have been a red flag to me

catlady14

Yup thats the same with me, i honestly dont think he ever cheated on me either because he would smoke with these women and then come in the bed and try to be intimate with me. it was funny because after he used he would start telling me how much he liked me being there wanted a family with me, i mean one nite he painted the picture of the kids and house, dog everything, but then he'd pass out right before he even had sex. and the next morning he'd wake up and id jokingly ask what our kids would look like? and he'd look at me like i was crazy and tell me i was too young, i needed to focus on school, how could i want kids with such a scum like him, etc, etc

gothbarbie

oh my god eww what a dick! mine would look at me like I was crazy when I would talk about us living together blah blah blah and he told me once that he wasn't going to ride off into the sunset with me that was pretty harsh. always told me in the end I wanted a relationship more than he did. almost everything he said that was mean to me has still stuck with me and kind of emotionally stunted me for the most part I'm afraid to open up to anybody else :/

catlady14

Yeah i understand and i definitely did my research about the drug and im more hurt to see him hurting himself. as far as the emotional bit i was more hurt by the empty promises than the mean/unkind words

atalose

And this is how codies convince themselves that un-acceptable behavior is ok.

They write it all off on the drugs-drink. Un-acceptable behavior is ALWAYS UN-ACCEPTABLE no matter what other factors are involved.

Being a drug addict does not give one permission to treat loved ones with no respect...............loved ones NEED to NOT accept that behavior ......because once you write it off, blame it all on the drugs.....it never stops, they never will respect you or treat you any better.

Holding onto abuse is not love in any way shape or form.

catlady14

Thank you for that. It took one of my closest friends seeing the. way he talked to me for me to realize it's not okay and that im worth more.

Today is a really big day for me, i have an appointment to meet with a counselor, i know i need someone to talk to and to get help. I woke up this morning missing my home, not that I missed him but I slept in a different bed in a foreign space, every time i heard footsteps or somebody drop something, i cringed. This isnt healthy.

atalose

Something I learned a long time ago in al-anon are the 3 A's.

Awareness

Acceptance

Action

We codies go from awareness right into action over and over again often leaving out and not wanting to deal with the acceptance part. We want a quick fix to our problems which we believe lies with THEM.

But in order for us to move in a healthy direction in life we must follow the 3 A’s and in that exact order:


Awareness – understanding that recovery only comes when the ADDICT/ALCOHOLIC want it. It’s a progressive disease that gets worse when untreated. It is a lifelong disease in which the addict/alcoholic must work on each and every single day for the rest of their lives. A 30 day rehab is not the CURE because there is no cure for addiction only abstinence and that can only be done by the addict/alcoholic.

Acceptance– that WE are powerless over THEIR addiction. Love cannot cure them or make them stop drinking. We accept WE are just as responsible for our misery and inactions that keeps us tied to unhappy relationships.

Action – the only power and control we have is over ourselves and our own lives. We act on seeking help for ourselves, working our own programs and focusing on US. We stop trying to control and manipulate them and accept them as they are and if we cannot do that we leave the relationship because to stay with anger and resentment towards them would be un-loving and un-healthy.

Sungrl

I hate to see any of you hanging on and sitting around waiting on an apology or closure from an addict. I did that. It will not come, I promise. I suppose their could be exceptions to the rule, but not likely. I was the only sane person my xabf had in his life. He was no longer in contact with his parents out of embarrassment. Had a brother he never talked to in the three years I knew him (red flag??) and all his "friends" were users and abusers. They were people to party with and my ex fit the bill. As his friends used him he turned around and used me in a bad way and I LET HIM. What did he have to apologize for?? I was a willing participant, the intermittent chicken so to speak. Living our lives to the fullest is how we get our closure. That should be what drives us, not waiting for some drugged or drunk addict to say so. They are so delusional and f'ed up it would be a bunch of manipulative bull anyway. IMHO

OttersHoldHands

I dont think im sitting waiting for an apology as much as expressing my frustration to others in a similar situation.

this person had just as many narcissistic traits as addict traits and i know how that goes, so i was actually pretty stern with him saying I dont want an apology that i didnt need anything from him (knowing full well how the type like to string people along).

I said this to him because I didnt want to let him have that control over me or feed his manipulative pattern of pulling me in just to chew me up and spit me out. I know how the game goes. As tough as I was I still feel like crap. Im not letting him see or use my vulnerabilities, but Im expressing vulnerabilities here where others can identify how it feels.

I think anyone here on this forum who is expressing their hurt is doing the right thing letting it out here and not saying these things to the person who uses these vulnerabilities wrecklessly for their own advantage.

I agree with you fully that its wasted time to sit and wait, but I disagree if there is any insinuation that myself or anyone else writing in this forum is somehow weak for expressing their very human reaction of wanting the respect that comes with a proper apology.

catlady14

I see truth in what both of you are saying, in my case my wounds are still fresh so wanting that closure or apology from him is normal, he was a huge part of my life and hes someone that i love and care about.

gothbarbie

I agree with ^ catlady14 . I am getting better with being ok without an apology. I don't think of him as much as I used to 4 months ago, do I still get sad? Well yeah I do but not nearly as much as I used to. I'm pretty much getting numb about everything. I moved back to the city where it all happened & at first I had insane anxiety attacks but after being here over a week, I've been ok & I'm happy with that. Freedom comes when you learn to let go.

catlady14

So this might be a little strange, but my XABF literally had no friend most of them died or lived in other states or had families and he isnt super close to his family, his parents live across the country, so while living with him it often felt like i was the only true friend or "family" he had. Well within the next few weeks, he'll be going to jail and part of me wonders whether I should visit him on his birthday or even at all? But then I think about the fact that he was mean and said hurtful things while using, but i dont know... any advice?

gothbarbie

My XABF always talked smack about his family ( sister, dad, mom, etc) even some of his closest "friends" which made me wonder .. well what the hell did he say about me to those people? He was they type of guy that hated his family but yet allowed them to kick me out of the apt & pay for him to go to a top notch pricey spa like rehab. He stole from his mom & couldn't stand his dad. I think the reason he didn't like them was for 2 reasons : 1 . being that they were critical/judgemental people & 2. they saw thru his bs lies & what have you throughout the years so he knew he couldn't pull anything over their eyes. It's up to you if you want to visit him or not, I know it's a touch decision but good luck either way!

catlady14

Thanks! His birthday is still a few months away and I know i will be getting help up until that point, so that could change my opinion. But i think i would like to because if hes in jail he should be completely sober, it's a safe environment for both of us to talk openly. Im NOT expecting closure from seeing him, i just want to show my support.