still holding on
 

Hi everyone
My ex and I broke up a few months ago now. We'd been living together, had moved in quite quickly, and then I realized how serious his weed use was, like smoking/using around 3 times a day. This obviously had a lot of side effects in all areas of his life and in our relationship. We broke up at the end of the summer after I'd had an abortion because I just couldn't figure out how I could have a baby with someone with such a dependency issue and with such huge debt and money problems. I couldn't see my way through it. He abandoned me immediately before the abortion, although he came back and then left again a few times before we finally broke up. I ended up moving away for a while to try and get myself free of all of this, but had to come back due to work and visa issues. He contacted me a couple of times while I was away, the first time to tell me that he still loved me, and that's when I really confronted him about the fact that I thought he had a huge dependency. Following that, he publicly (facebook, stupid facebook!!) and openly celebrated his single life. And then, weeks later, he emailed me again to tell me that he had been sober for a week, wanted to get back together, still loved me. I couldn't accept it, it didn't compute for me - so much emotional abuse, and disrespect, and yet he loves me "so much"? What is this even about? As soon as I questioned him on any facts or questioned his feelings, he became very angry and just mean. There has been some back and forth via email and I just don't know what to think. It's like I'm still heartbroken and devastated by the loss of this partner...but then who am I really mourning? Honestly. Because I'm really not sure anymore, it's like I don't trust my own feelings anymore. I get sucked into this crazy emotional spirals where I'm crying uncontrollably and missing him and so, SO close to reaching out and calling him or emailing him and saying Let's try again, but to be honest, depending on his mood, I'd maybe have to BEG to try again. So what am I even thinking?? It's so confusing. THanks for reading, I know I've posted about the same issue a few times in the last few months...I'm really stuck in this one. I really, really loved him and when we were together, before things got so complicated and angry after the abortion, I wanted to stick it out with him. I wanted that. He was my favourite person in the world, you know? Thanks again for reading.

He's an addict. Addicts worry more about their addiction than other people.
Addiction is progressive--so unless he really makes huge changes and gets clean for himself, not because you want him too,
the way he is treating you now may be as good as it gets.

Is that good enough for you or do you want more from a relationship?

I'm sorry for your pain, but that seems to be the reality of life with an active user.
There are many stickys at the top of this page with information that will help you understand the situation better.

Take care and best to you. It sounds like you've been through a lot beyond dealing with him.

I know it doesn't make sense that you still have feelings for him. Especially, when someone treats you rotten and isn't there for you...it's like why do I even bother?

Often, I think we are still in love with what was....or what could be. I see it as potential. The thing about potential is that you may never see it come to bloom. Never. You just have to deal with what is in front of you, today, and not see what could be. Make your decisions from that perspective.

Your gut instincts (feelings) are telling you he is no good for you but your codependent thinking is trying to convince you otherwise……………….much like the drugs make his thoughts need them, want them live for them……………your thinking is similar.

Addiction and codependency are very much diseases of thought.

You have the opportunity to change your life around, change your thinking much like he has a choice to change his life and he chooses not to…………same with you, you can give in to your drug of choice – him and contact him and keep this ill-fated relationship going on his terms or you can chose FREEDOM from it all.

What’s the thought going on inside your mind telling you that by calling him it will make you feel alright and good? What does that look like to you?