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Clinic or no clinic??

Old 01-20-2014, 06:07 PM
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Clinic or no clinic??

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. Just a brief (as brief as I can lol) intro. I'm 33. Husband is 36. Currently a heavy user of opiates (Percocet, oxy), cocaine, weed, alcohol and I don' t know what else. About a year and a half ago, I left town with our baby and returned to my hometown. Our son is now 3. My husband just came back into the picture. He keeps coming and going between cities (where we used to live and where I am living now). There is another girl involved, but I don't think he really truly loves her. He tells me he doesn't anyways. He just returned to my town yesterday (for the 4th time). I have him set up with an outpatient suboxone clinic but he's not sure that he wants to go. He's tried detoxing on his own and gets to day 6 or 7 before he has a mental/emotional breakdown and runs to the airport and leaves.

Just looking for some advice regarding clinic or no clinic? Suboxone or cold turkey? Therapy or no therapy? He's a "typical" man...doesn't like to admit he has a problem (although he does admit it), doesn't like to talk about feelings or things that are happening, etc.

As his wife, I've tried to stand by him and be 100% supportive. Of course, my priority has to be our child. But I don't know what else to do to help him. I don't know if I'm being helpful or annoying. Thoughts on how to be supportive without pushing him away??

Any advice is appreciated!
Thank you!
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Old 01-20-2014, 06:36 PM
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Whoa.....another woman. That would be a deal breaker for me. I'm sorry I have no advice. Hopefully someone will....good luck.
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Old 01-20-2014, 07:40 PM
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You cannot make these decisions for him. Even if everyone answered one way...he has to be WILLING to get help and follow through.

Probably the most helpful thing, at this time, is to stay out of his way. You will not win!
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Old 01-20-2014, 10:54 PM
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I don't think it is ever wrong to encourage treatment. Never ever... addiction causes a progressive disease of the brain. Until it is stopped, all it does it continue to alter the reality of the addict - they get to a point where they actually think the need for drugs is equal to the need for air or water. They cannot imagine life without it. They cant imagine how they can stop using and survive. So the denial of the problem, and not being sure he wants to go to the clinic are classic fear IMO.

Obviously if he doenst want to stop he wont. Even if he goes on suboxone he can stop taking it if he decides to. So it does require a commitment to change. Personally I would always suggest therapy with medication. Therapy is where you can look for the root cause of the addictions, heal past traumas, learn about addiction, and learn techniques/behavior modification that help prevent relapse.

Lot of therapists also work on a sliding scale if you don't have insurance.

If you are looking for support I would also suggest talking to a therapist yourself. Especially look for one that is trained in addiction medicine.

My husband was addicted to pain meds, coke, Xanax. We were also separated for a while there, and there was also another woman involved. He went into treatment when our son was only a few months old thankfully. Did a rehab based on private therapy where they used evidence based approaches to treating addiction, and tools like cognitive behavioral therapy to help with triggers, cravings. He was committed to it, but not at first. We had a mini intervention of sorts with family and a doctor to talk him into it. He has almost 2 years free of drugs now, and continues with therapy -mostly just for stress management at this point. (we all need someone to vent to !)

So my opinion - always push treatment & he will let you know if you are being annoying. if that happens then back off.

My therapist also suggested this book to me " get your loved one sober, alternative to nagging, pleading and threatening by Robert Meyers. it is based on the CRAFT method (community reinforcement and family training) - you can google all that , look up the book on amazon. It uses communication, and positive incentives to encourage treatment - also helps you set boundaries for yourself etc. It has good results at getting a person into treatment. And then it is up to them.....

Good luck.
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Old 01-21-2014, 09:43 PM
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I understand what you're saying about the other woman. What happened was that I left. I filed for divorce and sole custody of our son. We both thought it was all over.

Thank you allforcnm. It is fear. He is terrified. He has no one else standing my him to push him to be better and to support him. I feel I owe it not only to him, but to our son to try and help him. Yes, I am actually seeing an addictions counsellor. He has been helping me tremendously! Thank you so much for your comments and the recommendation for the book!

I love him more than anything. I never thought I would be in this position.
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Old 01-21-2014, 10:10 PM
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Your welcome.

My husband and I were separated when the other woman happened also. So I understand.....

So happy your working with an addiction doc and its helping. Great news

None of this stuff is easy, but it sounds like your on the right track. Feel free to message me anytime.
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Old 01-22-2014, 09:39 AM
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I might take you up on that! He was supposed to come see the counsellor with me today for the first time but he's "sick". I'm trying not to get my hopes up and it's hard. It's so frustrating.
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Old 01-22-2014, 09:40 AM
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Is your husband clean now? How long did it take before he got help? Did your relationship ever go back to the way it was?
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Old 01-22-2014, 01:41 PM
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you know, candycane, he could get clean if he REALLY so desired. as it is, he has two women and runs like a little sissy back and forth between the two. and said gently, YOU LET HIM DO THIS. you let him come, you try to arrange things for him, you are questioning what is the best course of action for HIM to take, and he can't deal with more than a week before he takes off again!

don't YOU deserve more? what is it you think you are going to GET out of this?
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Old 01-22-2014, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by candycane33 View Post
Is your husband clean now? How long did it take before he got help? Did your relationship ever go back to the way it was?
Sending you a P. Message on this....
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Old 01-23-2014, 12:20 AM
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Anvil, there's a lot of factors that come along with getting clean. Running back to Calgary, I don't think he is being a sissy...he is scared and confused. He is not in the proper state of mind.

What am I hoping to get from this? Well, for starters, I would like him to be healthy and happy whether we are together or not. I would like him to be ALIVE. And I would like my son to have his father and to be able to have the chance to get to know his real father. I realize this is all up to him and I've just opened that door....but he needs all the support he can get right now.
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Old 01-23-2014, 12:21 AM
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Thank you allforcnm. Will check my messages
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Old 01-23-2014, 10:39 AM
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so the other woman thing....that doesn't bother you at all? it's obvious you are not his ONLY source of support.....now you have made an appointment FOR HIM....perhaps step back and see what he decides to do. he might not be ready willing or able to fully commit to recovery...he seems to have a lot of commitment issues........
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Old 01-26-2014, 11:07 PM
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Of course it does. But he's trying and he's here. With me. The other woman in Calgary is not a source of support. She is a user as well, I believe. I actually have taken a step back. I'm guiding and being supportive without forcing. The choices are all his. But I also want him to be well aware of what he's giving up if he leaves again. Cuz if he does, I'm done. For good.
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