Lost
 

Hi there,

This is my first post and I don't know what I'm looking for. Answers might be too optimistic. Maybe clarification that it's not l in my head.
I've been with my OH for 3 years. We both have children from previous relationships. We were both heavy social drinkers when we met. 1st 6 months were good, then it started going downhill. Anger, verbal abuse from both sides. Then he started really losing it when drunk and would smash the place up. So we sat and talked and realised things needed to change. So for the next year things did. Or I did. I slowed down on my drinking and limited my intake. I felt bad for my actions toward some one I love when drunk. But my oh carried on regRdless. Only this time there is only one drunk aggressive person in the room. And every time is escalates I turn Into a victim, taking it. Thinking it's better than us both being drunk, I could sometimes diffuse the situation

It got worse and worse. I have lost all confidence within myself, I feel half the person I was when we met. He drinks to the point of blacking out and can't remember. Then before Xmas I stayed in while he went out. He came home at 6 I. The morning angry and lashing out. Then I am told he cheated on me-he can't remember.

Enough was enough. I couldn't stay with him if he continued to drink. He promised to stop, begged for another chance.

I asked him to go to councilling or aa. He said his problem isn't that bad.

He left to work in Africa 3 days ago. And started drinking when he got there.

He says I am trying to control him. From reading the above stickies I know I am
I do t know what to do for the best

Please help:a108:

oy. I just want to say welcome - you've found the place that GETS what you are going thru! take time to read around other posts, the stickies above this forum....we are here for you.

Welcome to SR although I am sorry you have to be here. Lots of great information and good people who have great advice and suggestions. You seem to be aware of the problem which is a good start. The stickies above are a wealth of information as are reading different posts. Have you also tried posting on Friends of Alcoholics? There may be some who could give you great suggestions over there as well.

Well it sounds like there is forward progress for you....and that's good.

Chances are that you are trying to control him....he's probably right. It's common. We try to control that which is not within our power to control and that is met with resistance, anger, sometimes violence.

Welcome to SR. Every single person on this forum understands what it's like to love someone who is addicted in their life.

gentle hugs
ke

Alcoholics and drug addicts hear what we do, not what we say.

A good book to start with is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. She describes very specifically the universal patterns in the alcoholic relationship and what you need to do to break the cycle.

The cycle is:

There will be a quiet time, but the tension is mounting.
Things will explode, he will drink and abuse you and likely the children, too,
After he sobers up he will be pathetic, remorseful, make promises to change.
You will not change anything and will expect things to improve.
There will be a quiet time, but the tension is mounting.
Things will explode....and the two of you will replay that cycle all over again.

At Al-Anon meetings there is a free pamphlet titled "Alcoholism: A Merry Go Round Named Denial". It describes this cycle perfectly.

You need to attend Al-Anon and you might also need to attend AA. You are in the belly of the beast and you need help from others who have an objective view and can help you clear up your thinking and start doing things differently.

Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic understands completely what is happening to you.

So, as they say, suit up and show up. Call around and find meetings and start going.

I cannot say it any better than EnglishGarden just did. Good for you for stopping yourself. I hope you get support for you. You cannot control how someone acts, only how you react.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Guys I cannot thank you enough to tKe the time to read and reply. I called al anon this morning and have a meeting on Wednesday. My abf says he wants to try the avdt?? But like everyone seems to say on here, I need to concentrate on me firstly and get strong