Missing the friendships I had
 

Feeling sad these days over how my friendships have changed. It seems the handful of friends who know about my son have started to distance themselves from me. I know I have changed....not the happy go lucky person I use to be. I guess maybe they just don't want to hear about addiction. Has this happened to you as well?

I only keep my really close friends by my side. I don't have time to friendly acquatainces or should I say emotional energy. The friends that I have understand and I don't really say to much to the one that doesn't have any children. She has been sympathetic for years but I think I've worn her out! I keep it simple.

My other dear friend has children and 2 have had difficulties and she understands to well. It's like we are in our own private club that we can share our secrets.

I figure if they are true friends they will stick by you. If not, oh well. Of course, I have to do my part to nurture the friendship.

I've found that I've become more selective in my choice of friends. One of the main reasons I started going to al-anon is that I wanted to reserve my friendships for the fun times we have because they are just as important for my sanity! I have a couple of close friends who know what's going on and I'm honest when they ask but I have chosen to save my biggest sharing for my meetings and here....with people who truly understand the struggle. I miss simpler times as well...when I could just laugh freely without feeling an undercurrent of sorts...But my world has changed forever and so have I.

She has been sympathetic for years but I think I've worn her out!

Tax - as I think about it, I've probably worn her out. She is an extremely close friend who I've known since kindergarten. That's a long time. Our stories of addiction are not easy, especially for people who have o idea hat it's like.

But my world has changed forever and so have I.

Lizwig, I can definitely relate to your statement. Sometimes it's so hard when our really close friends ask about our addicts. And if they don't ask, it's almost levied be Susie at least with me I feel like they are afraid to ask.

Lizwig - typing on the I pad is not fun. What I meant to type is that when they don't ask it seems weird - like they re afraid to bring it up.

Yes...I feel they have changed a lot. People don't really WANT to ask because it's terribly painful for me to recount and relive all that's going on. Many times I get weepy and that alone makes people uncomfortable. And they feel bad that nothing is changing, too.

I have a very good friend who actually said that SHE misses the way it was. (Her adult child is struggling in another way...) and she said we need to get back to the carefree and happier conversations we used to have. We've been wallowing, and it's time to knock it off and enjoy life!! She said she would never not be interested, and would always be a shoulder to cry on and a prayer-without-having-to-ask, if I'd do the same for her, and if anything major happened, of course, we'd let each other know immediately. She was right. It's been nice to not sit in a pity party with her, it really has.

It's the same as a dying person, I think. When my mom was dying her visitors came less and less frequently and she could sense that she'd - as someone above said - "worn them out." Those were her exact words, too.

It's emotionally draining and, just as WE'D rather be anywhere but here, our friends feel the same, and unfortunately for us, THEY can choose to not dwell in this mess!

We can choose not to dwell on it as well. I'm blessed to have a big extended family and most understand the situation because there have been other addicts in the family. We don't talk too much about my AD but it is fine when we do. I do not see other old friends much so it is not worth troubling them with my AD's trials and tribulations. Now that my kids are grown and gone, I'm finding that my kids don't need to be the focus of every conversation like when they were young and at home.

It's very difficult to watch an addict destroy themselves. That's generally accepted here. Similarly, it's very difficult to watch a codependent destroy themselves over an addict. Sometimes people let go because they are practicing the exact same self-care that we should be practicing. When we're not, we're just as toxic as the addict in our lives.