Feeling empty and broken

Old 01-14-2014, 05:53 PM
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Feeling empty and broken

Hi guys.

I'm new here. I am 23 years old and my boyfriend was/is addicted to heroin, cocaine, and other stuff that I don't even know. He almost died in several occasions and he used to lie to me all the time. I smoked pot before but I once got arrested for possession so I decided I was not going to do any kind of drugs ever again nor did I want to have anything to do with anybody who was involved with them either.

I met my boyfriend February 2013 and although I knew he smoked pot, and I had said I didn't want someone like that in my life, I let him in as I thought he was the most intelligent, caring and loving person I had ever met. And I thought that pot wasn't as bad as other stuff (I had no idea he was doing other drugs). Anyway, our relationship was perfect. We decided to move in together in September and that's when the issues started. Over the summer he had a bad trip on psychedelics and he swore he wouldn't touch anything ever again. This of course was a lie. A few weeks after we moved in to the new apartment I found weed there and confronted him to which he said he wouldn't do it ever again.

And things kept going just like that until one day I found a vial with white powder. I freaked out. He is bipolar and has had a series of manic episodes that led to him being in a psychiatric ward in a hospital so he said it was methadone that he was using just to feel better and that because of his depression he was always in pain but the methadone helped. Once again he promised he would stop. Lies. I found other white powder again. Promises. Lies. I found a spoon with a lighter and syringes in a night table. I had enough. Left the apartment and didn't come back till the next day. I was decided to leave him. I didn't want to hurt anymore, I didn't want him to bring me down with him. I already had (and still ahve) my own issues to deal with and I didn't need his BS. Anyway, he promised he would stop and that he would get help.

Thankfully, his parents are very supportive and helped to pay for rehab. Which he checked in at last week. He will be away for 3 months. His parents accepted to pay for his treatment with the condition that he can never come back to where we used to live. He will have to move to a different state. Everyone expects me to move wherever he goes but I like where I live now and my family is here too. I don't want to leave them. But I miss him so much. I am still in love with him and feel so lonely that I have no one to come home to. He is not there anymore to cuddle me at night. He is not next to me when I wake up every day and this is bringing me down. I don't know if I can be without him. I understand he is getting the treatment he needs so we can have a better life together but it is just so hard, I can't take it.

He has very busy days with his treatment so he can't call me all the time. But whenever he calls he sounds so happy and it seems like he is doing so well that I don't want to bring him down by saying I need him with me, that I am not doing well and that I miss him like crazy. Nobody in my family or friends know about his issue because if I told them they would tell me to leave him. But they don't know him like I do and I don't want to leave him. But it's hard not having someone to share what I'm going through and this is why I came here. Please someone help me. I don't know what to do. I have tried everything exercising, going out, working more and nothing seems to work. What else can I do? I don't want to feel down anymore.

So sorry for the long post but I needed to vent. I can't keep caging in my emotions or else I will break down. Please someone tell me things will get better. Please.
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Old 01-14-2014, 08:09 PM
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Welcome to the forum, gg. You wrote a very honest post. And I'm sure you must feel lonely for him, which is normal. We miss people we love when they are away from us.

In recovery programs for addicts as well as for codependents, the advice always is to take "the long view." This means do not expect anytime soon to stop hurting, grieving, being mixed up, feeling lost, and feeling anxious when there is a change in the relationship, whether that relationship is with a drug or with a person addicted to a drug.

Addiction is a battle, it is a long battle, and unless a person knows how to stay in the present, and to try to do the most positive thing she can in the present, the partner of any addict will lose herself. It is better to expect a great deal of emotional discomfort rather than have any hopes or wishes that things will be happy and comfortable any time soon. Relationships with addicts are very hard.

Anyone who tries to talk you into walking away from him at this time will likely be wasting time, so the better advice, I think, is to tell you that if you want to be in a relationship with a drug addict, you need to find a counselor as well as a 12 step group for partners of addicts, a group like Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. Find a group with enough younger members there so you can feel understood. If you try to handle this crisis in your life alone, we all here know that you will lose your way. It is best for any family member or romantic partner of an addict to enter her own form of counseling and recovery, the sooner the better.

You don't have to cage in your emotions. You feel what you feel. But your thinking: that is something you have some choices about.

There are many good articles about relationships with addicts on the blog posted by Cynical One. (blue box at top of the page for blogs). Reading those is a good place to start for now. That will help with your thinking.

I will say that people in active addiction mostly destroy every person in their lives, emotionally. They leave a path of emotional devastation, and you are at risk of experiencing that. So I want to give you a heads up: if it happens, it is part of the syndrome of addiction which has impacted you. It is what happens. Do not blame yourself. Your first impulse, when he starts hurting you, is to blame yourself and try to "be better and do better." This leads to nothing but an emotional breakdown. If you are with a counselor or a group, you will be better protected from that.

More members will have some experiences for you, gg. Again, welcome to our forum.
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Old 01-14-2014, 10:14 PM
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Im sorry for what you are going through gg.

My husband was gone for three months in rehab, but we were also allowed to talk and visit. Its very hard at first because we miss them and our lives are supposed to carry on as usual with work, and home life and activities… but they are not here. And of course we miss them. And on top of that we have to deal with all the stress of what happened before they left for rehab. Sometimes it has been so chaotic and crazy that our adrenalin levels have increased, and now with them gone things seem too calm and quiet and we cant rest. Its good to hear your going to the gym and working out, and I think its wonderful you realize you cant keep all this pent up - you need to vent and let out your emotions.

If you have not educated you self on addiction, then I would suggest you start with this. You can read up on your boyfriends drugs of choice, learn why people become addicted, and how the brain is affected when the person is taking drugs. It explains all those signs you saw: the lying to protect the addiction, irrational decisions and behavior. I experienced all of that with my husband. Here is a link to the National Institute of Drug Abuse; family section. Hope its helpful: Drug Abuse and Addiction | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

I worked with a therapist while my husband was in rehab. It gave me a safe place to vent and explore my feelings. Plus she was able to help me further understand addiction, and all the other issues that were involved in our relationship. I really don’t think I could have made it through without the support of my family. I can understand your family finding out about the health and addiction issues and suggesting you end things. My parents suggested I end things when they found out all of it – and we were married. So I get it. But I would give it some time, and then rethink sharing with you family, or close friends. They know you, and Im sure only want what’s best for you.

Something else that helped me was journaling. It helped me to write down my feelings, thoughts, fears, then give it a little time and go back and look with new eyes. Its also helped me to remember: I don’t have to have all the answers today.
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Old 01-15-2014, 10:40 AM
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Thanks so much EnglishGarden and allforcnm. Your words mean so much to me. They work as encouragement to keep moving forward and just as my boyfriend will be a whole new person when he comes back, I will be a new person too and should focus on that for now.
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