Expectations...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
Expectations...
I don't know if this is for anyone else today, but it's on my heart so strongly this morning.
I was reading through some posts, seeing the obvious pain written in between the lines... and it made me stop to think about how we sometimes are caught up in the belief that our addicted loved ones would be capable of understanding how WE feel.
I was raised under the rule "treat others as you want to be treated"... and I think that still plays a huge part in who I am today. But it has also set me up for some major disappointments along the way...
Any one of us might say to our addicted loved ones "I love you", and not get any such sentiment reciprocated... and it hurts.
At any time, we could sit up awake all night, worried to tears about the one who hasn't come home yet, praying for their safe return... only that have them finally walk in the door like "what's the big deal?"... and it makes us angry.
We choose to make the effort to give them our attention on special occasions and holidays... only to have them barely acknowledge or completely ignore us on our own special days... and we feel alone.
We worry, we work, we walk on eggshells... and they never even notice.. and we feel disrespected and used.
Life experience has taught me that to "treat others as you want to be treated" goes far beyond doing things with the expectation that they will be returned to you in kind... It's the choice you make to do what is right, simply because it is the right thing to do, and for no other reason...
Many of my disappointments have stemmed from my own unrealistic expectations, and not from my addicted loved one because he was just doing what addicts do... It doesn't make it right, but it does make me stop and think about my own motivations... We can care more about them than they care about themselves, and it still doesn't make them care.
I pray for everyone today, for comfort in the painful places.. light in the dark places... and hope in the hopelessness. Love is a powerful weapon.. but we sometimes forget to use it on ourselves.
I was reading through some posts, seeing the obvious pain written in between the lines... and it made me stop to think about how we sometimes are caught up in the belief that our addicted loved ones would be capable of understanding how WE feel.
I was raised under the rule "treat others as you want to be treated"... and I think that still plays a huge part in who I am today. But it has also set me up for some major disappointments along the way...
Any one of us might say to our addicted loved ones "I love you", and not get any such sentiment reciprocated... and it hurts.
At any time, we could sit up awake all night, worried to tears about the one who hasn't come home yet, praying for their safe return... only that have them finally walk in the door like "what's the big deal?"... and it makes us angry.
We choose to make the effort to give them our attention on special occasions and holidays... only to have them barely acknowledge or completely ignore us on our own special days... and we feel alone.
We worry, we work, we walk on eggshells... and they never even notice.. and we feel disrespected and used.
Life experience has taught me that to "treat others as you want to be treated" goes far beyond doing things with the expectation that they will be returned to you in kind... It's the choice you make to do what is right, simply because it is the right thing to do, and for no other reason...
Many of my disappointments have stemmed from my own unrealistic expectations, and not from my addicted loved one because he was just doing what addicts do... It doesn't make it right, but it does make me stop and think about my own motivations... We can care more about them than they care about themselves, and it still doesn't make them care.
I pray for everyone today, for comfort in the painful places.. light in the dark places... and hope in the hopelessness. Love is a powerful weapon.. but we sometimes forget to use it on ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Beautifully written.....thank you. I particularly liked......
This is very much the mindset I have with my son. I treat him with love and respect without any expectations of anything in return. Love should have no expectations but it certainly can hold pleasant surprises. My son often surprises me and I do cherish those moments.
gentle hugs
ke
Life experience has taught me that to "treat others as you want to be treated" goes far beyond doing things with the expectation that they will be returned to you in kind... It's the choice you make to do what is right, simply because it is the right thing to do, and for no other reason...
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
I'm glad you have found some peace living with your AH humblenumb.
I spent most of my life rescuing and ultimately caring for my AM.
I gave and gave and she took. I almost lost my health, my marriage, and
I did lose sobriety for most of that time.
In hindsight, I wish I had given myself the same loving consideration you are talking about here.
It would have been nice to have chosen to love someone who was capable of loving me back and who would notice and in part share those loving gestures.
I would not say I would do it again, even though I learned a great deal and did find some peace near the end.
I think by accepting her treatment of me, I did not allow her the stimulus to grow.
She remained selfish and self-centered and thought because I accepted it she had no mirror / reason to do anything differently.
I spent most of my life rescuing and ultimately caring for my AM.
I gave and gave and she took. I almost lost my health, my marriage, and
I did lose sobriety for most of that time.
In hindsight, I wish I had given myself the same loving consideration you are talking about here.
It would have been nice to have chosen to love someone who was capable of loving me back and who would notice and in part share those loving gestures.
I would not say I would do it again, even though I learned a great deal and did find some peace near the end.
I think by accepting her treatment of me, I did not allow her the stimulus to grow.
She remained selfish and self-centered and thought because I accepted it she had no mirror / reason to do anything differently.
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