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Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I'm so sorry you are sad today, MamaCas. I understand. Maybe you could put your grandson's daddy & his situation in God's hands today & completely let go of it. Do something happy that focuses on your daughter & your grandbaby. Or Maybe you could do something positive for yourself today & focus on something you want to do that is completely unrelated to all of this sad stuff? I've tried it before & it works really well for feeling happier. ************{Caring HUGS}}}}}}}
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
Oh and to answer your question...she will want him clean in order to see the baby. He says he'll take a drug test everytime he comes over but a) who has $30-$40 to spend on a drug test everytime he comes over and b) we all know they can get around the test.
I have spoken with the XBF's mother and she will be here Saturday to let us in the apartment to get the crib. I know it's my daugther's decision if we take it or not but I almost wish she'd say "no thanks" (it was purchased by XBF's father) and leave it there as a reminder to XBF of all he's lost.
Most times it's hard to look past the addict and see the real person. I'm sorry to whine but I'm just sad, sad, sad!!!
I have spoken with the XBF's mother and she will be here Saturday to let us in the apartment to get the crib. I know it's my daugther's decision if we take it or not but I almost wish she'd say "no thanks" (it was purchased by XBF's father) and leave it there as a reminder to XBF of all he's lost.
Most times it's hard to look past the addict and see the real person. I'm sorry to whine but I'm just sad, sad, sad!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
Thank you NK! I say I'm going to put it in God's hands but I eventually take it right back. I'm going to really try this time though! My husband and I are going to go to the lake house this weekend just to get away from it all. It is so peaceful there!
My daughter and I have decided to focus on planning the baby's first birthday party (he's only 5 months now
). I think it will be a good distraction. This kid may have a real over-the-top party!
My daughter and I have decided to focus on planning the baby's first birthday party (he's only 5 months now
). I think it will be a good distraction. This kid may have a real over-the-top party! Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
I feel I need to get this off my chest because the XBF was trying to engage me in a texting war (I've since blocked his #) and he's succeeded in making me feel guilty for everything I've done to try to bring his addiction to light.
In March 2013, the XBF moved to our town. We let him move into our home (temporarily) AFTER he had stolen our daughter's phone, $800 of her money, and forged one of her checks. My daughter was pregnant and I think I thought we had to "help" him. We had never been in a situation like this and at the time didn't understand the full extent of the problem. When my daugther first met him he presented himself as a marketing exec with a bachelor's degree and a good paying job. He took her to nice dinners (at first) and wined and dined her. She got pregnant and things started going south beginning with her phone "missing" and a "straw" in his jacket pocket that he blamed on his brother. We now know he had outstanding warrants in the town he moved from and his parents tried to get all that dealt with, pretty him up, and ship him off to us. I guess they thought they'd get rid of their "problem". Basically, our daughter was conned.
For the first few weeks everything was good, they got engaged, he got a job, and things were moving forward. Then, we realized he was lying about the job to the extent that he would make fake phone calls in our presence as if his boss called to say he could have the day off. Turns out, he never really got the job because he couldn't pass the background check. He was, as he said, too embarrassed to tell anyone so he pretended he was still working there. This is when my investigative nature kicked in. From then on, I followed him and checked on everything he said and did. Eventually, we started noticing items missing from our home. We confronted. He denied. I started trying to involve his parents in my suspicions all while he raged at me for talking to them and they denied. We told him to move out after we required him to take a drug test in our home and he was positive for Oxycodone. Since then, every month I checked to see who paid his rent, if his utilities were on, if he got his car tags renewed, if he has any warrants, etc. The result? His family pays his rent and they maintain they always will, his utilities are off, his tags aren't renewed, and he has warrants. Speaking to his landlord this last month made me realize I've taken this too far. It's been MONTHS of checking on him and all my suspicions have been correct but since no one in his family believes me, and he's not going to admit he has a problem, I look like the crazy one. Maybe I am???? I just want to stop all this madness.
My daughter has drawn a line in the sand with him regarding their son and my husband and I have regarding our home. I know I need to let it go and realize he is an addict and that's how addicts act. And, I know if I can't let it go I'm hurting myself and my daughter in her attempt to move forward and I don't want to do that. Why do I feel I owe him and his family apologies for my behavior? I keep thinking that I'm not being a good Christian and that I say I just wanted to help him but I feel like my actions don't prove that. Why do I care what he or his parents think about me? I guess that's the big question.
Thanks for letting me vent. Helped me not call and vent at his mom today...which NEVER ends well
In March 2013, the XBF moved to our town. We let him move into our home (temporarily) AFTER he had stolen our daughter's phone, $800 of her money, and forged one of her checks. My daughter was pregnant and I think I thought we had to "help" him. We had never been in a situation like this and at the time didn't understand the full extent of the problem. When my daugther first met him he presented himself as a marketing exec with a bachelor's degree and a good paying job. He took her to nice dinners (at first) and wined and dined her. She got pregnant and things started going south beginning with her phone "missing" and a "straw" in his jacket pocket that he blamed on his brother. We now know he had outstanding warrants in the town he moved from and his parents tried to get all that dealt with, pretty him up, and ship him off to us. I guess they thought they'd get rid of their "problem". Basically, our daughter was conned.
For the first few weeks everything was good, they got engaged, he got a job, and things were moving forward. Then, we realized he was lying about the job to the extent that he would make fake phone calls in our presence as if his boss called to say he could have the day off. Turns out, he never really got the job because he couldn't pass the background check. He was, as he said, too embarrassed to tell anyone so he pretended he was still working there. This is when my investigative nature kicked in. From then on, I followed him and checked on everything he said and did. Eventually, we started noticing items missing from our home. We confronted. He denied. I started trying to involve his parents in my suspicions all while he raged at me for talking to them and they denied. We told him to move out after we required him to take a drug test in our home and he was positive for Oxycodone. Since then, every month I checked to see who paid his rent, if his utilities were on, if he got his car tags renewed, if he has any warrants, etc. The result? His family pays his rent and they maintain they always will, his utilities are off, his tags aren't renewed, and he has warrants. Speaking to his landlord this last month made me realize I've taken this too far. It's been MONTHS of checking on him and all my suspicions have been correct but since no one in his family believes me, and he's not going to admit he has a problem, I look like the crazy one. Maybe I am???? I just want to stop all this madness.
My daughter has drawn a line in the sand with him regarding their son and my husband and I have regarding our home. I know I need to let it go and realize he is an addict and that's how addicts act. And, I know if I can't let it go I'm hurting myself and my daughter in her attempt to move forward and I don't want to do that. Why do I feel I owe him and his family apologies for my behavior? I keep thinking that I'm not being a good Christian and that I say I just wanted to help him but I feel like my actions don't prove that. Why do I care what he or his parents think about me? I guess that's the big question.
Thanks for letting me vent. Helped me not call and vent at his mom today...which NEVER ends well
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry.
The thing is, you need to let go of him. All of this checking on him is not healthy. His family is going to continue to enable so he is going to continue to use and have this same behavior.
The best thing you and your daughter can do is get away and stay away. Document every single thing in case he tries to fight for child custody although that does not seem likely unless his family gets involved with that also.
I encourage you and your daughter to go to some support meetings or even therapy to get through this difficult time. You did think you were helping. You were simply uneducated in this sort of thing. That is not your fault.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
hugs.
The thing is, you need to let go of him. All of this checking on him is not healthy. His family is going to continue to enable so he is going to continue to use and have this same behavior.
The best thing you and your daughter can do is get away and stay away. Document every single thing in case he tries to fight for child custody although that does not seem likely unless his family gets involved with that also.
I encourage you and your daughter to go to some support meetings or even therapy to get through this difficult time. You did think you were helping. You were simply uneducated in this sort of thing. That is not your fault.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Your daughter is doing the right thing. Taking the kids visitation from their father was the last step I took ... and then something broke inside of him. I know this is not the case for everyone. I know that some people cannot care about their kids or anyone else (as my husband did not for a long time) Or, I didn't believe he did anymore.
He started taking his recovery seriously after he KNEW that I would no longer allow him to see the kids. He knew he was too sick to go to court, or pay for a lawyer. It's a sticky situation with his parents being in DENIAL. It's understandable.
I hope he gets help for himself. Gets some sober time. Realizes what is really important. Praying for you and your family.
He started taking his recovery seriously after he KNEW that I would no longer allow him to see the kids. He knew he was too sick to go to court, or pay for a lawyer. It's a sticky situation with his parents being in DENIAL. It's understandable.
I hope he gets help for himself. Gets some sober time. Realizes what is really important. Praying for you and your family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
Yesterday my daughter went to the XBF's apartment to meet his mother and get her stuff back. At that time, she returned the engagement ring to his mother (so he wouldn't take it, pawn it, and say my daughter never gave it back). It was sad but very necessary. The baby furniture was there but they did not let her take it. That's fine. It's technically their's anyway. One thing I found interesting though, after weeks of me telling his mom he was living there without electricity...and weeks of him saying how dilusional and crazy I am???? No electricity. I didn't gloat or cheer in victory. Kept my mouth competely shut about it. Maybe eyes were opened, maybe they weren't. Either way, I'm proud of my daughter for taking a stand to protect her son from the effects of this terrible disease. Have a blessed day everyone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
My daughter told me today she is not interested in her XBF getting help. She doesn't care if he ever does. She's just interested in protecting her son. I don't know if I agree with that. Isn't the best thing for her son to have his dad in his life IF his dad is well and not in active addiction? I'm just so confused over all this and I don't know what to say to her. Maybe she's just too hurt to make these decisions right now? I am literally sick. The XBF is texting wanting to see his son. I feel like this is about to get ugly.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sure it will get ugly, I am sorry.
The thing is, your daughter is tired, rightfully so. She knows she cannot will him into getting help for his addiction. She is correct. She is not his care giver. Would it be better for their child for him to get clean? Sure. Will he....prob not. Addiction is an ugly life. She is right for her #1 priority to be protecting her son.
Hope she gets an attorney if she does not already have one, and document every single thing. FYI...A baby is not allowed to reside in a home w/no utilities in the eyes of the court/family services.
Good Luck and God Bless!
The thing is, your daughter is tired, rightfully so. She knows she cannot will him into getting help for his addiction. She is correct. She is not his care giver. Would it be better for their child for him to get clean? Sure. Will he....prob not. Addiction is an ugly life. She is right for her #1 priority to be protecting her son.
Hope she gets an attorney if she does not already have one, and document every single thing. FYI...A baby is not allowed to reside in a home w/no utilities in the eyes of the court/family services.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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