Missing EONS and needing support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8
Missing EONS and needing support
I am the parent of an adult drug addict, a young man with a small child and another child on the way. I received such support from EONS, and am looking for something that will provide that same support. I just got cussed out by my son for not being willing to go pick him up and give him a place to live. We sent him to treatment when he was under 18. Since then, he is still on drugs (probably meth now) as well as scripts. He absolutely denies everything. Nothing new there.
Tonight he texted, called and begged me to come get him. It is cold out and he has no place to go. He has stolen from us, lied to us, cussed us out and hung up on me. He is obviously using again, but he calls me when he needs help. I have to say "NO", but it is so hard for me. I need the support of folks that have been there to help keep me strong. (as I type this, he just texted and said that he doesn't think he is the father of the child his girlfriend is carrying) He said that last time and accused his girlfriend of having sex with a man of another race. That child looks just like my son.
Thanks for listening,
Sombra
Tonight he texted, called and begged me to come get him. It is cold out and he has no place to go. He has stolen from us, lied to us, cussed us out and hung up on me. He is obviously using again, but he calls me when he needs help. I have to say "NO", but it is so hard for me. I need the support of folks that have been there to help keep me strong. (as I type this, he just texted and said that he doesn't think he is the father of the child his girlfriend is carrying) He said that last time and accused his girlfriend of having sex with a man of another race. That child looks just like my son.
Thanks for listening,
Sombra
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Sombra! I just wanted to say Welcome to SR! I'm at the beginning of the saying no process with my AD, she is 22. I wish I could be of some more help, others with more wiser experience will be coming along. I find it hard to say "NO", this is a tough disease for parents watch. TF
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Saying "no" to our adult children is very difficult because they prey on our fears. They weave their story to gain advantage.....and we are easy targets because we love them.
Welcome to SR....there are a lot of parents here who understand.
It helps me to remember that unconditional love does not mean that we unconditionally accept inappropriate behavior. We deserve to be treated with respect and if that doesn't happen, it is perfectly understandable to distance ourselves.
Unfortunately, addiction creates a set of behaviors that are reinforced by our reactions to those behaviors. When we are able to say what we mean (state our boundaries clearly), mean what we say (boundaries are not negotiable) and most importantly....not say it mean.....we make progress.
I have had to say "no" when my son was homeless, hungry, and cold. I've had to say "you know where the men's shelter is....they will help you if you truly need help." And saying those words were the hardest thing I have ever done.....but they were said with love and compassion.
Sometimes....I wonder if they are testing us.....wishing that we could be strong for them. Wishing that we would say "no" so that they have to find a different path toward something more positive. And time and time again....we let them down.....because we aren't able to be strong enough to say "no".
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR....there are a lot of parents here who understand.
It helps me to remember that unconditional love does not mean that we unconditionally accept inappropriate behavior. We deserve to be treated with respect and if that doesn't happen, it is perfectly understandable to distance ourselves.
Unfortunately, addiction creates a set of behaviors that are reinforced by our reactions to those behaviors. When we are able to say what we mean (state our boundaries clearly), mean what we say (boundaries are not negotiable) and most importantly....not say it mean.....we make progress.
I have had to say "no" when my son was homeless, hungry, and cold. I've had to say "you know where the men's shelter is....they will help you if you truly need help." And saying those words were the hardest thing I have ever done.....but they were said with love and compassion.
Sometimes....I wonder if they are testing us.....wishing that we could be strong for them. Wishing that we would say "no" so that they have to find a different path toward something more positive. And time and time again....we let them down.....because we aren't able to be strong enough to say "no".
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I've attended NA meetings with my husband and what I would hear at these meetings, over and over again, was how desperation eventually saved their lives! It was when their lives were unbearable that they were finally able to receive help.
This mom knows where you are....saying "no" when they are desperate is so hard.
Just last night I receive a series of texts from my AD (age 19). She "just wants to be in her bed. The stranger that she is staying with is trying to kiss me. Help me."
I understand these desperate messages. When they find recovery you will know. As of now, you are doing plenty by raising his child. He can fend for himself.
This mom knows where you are....saying "no" when they are desperate is so hard.
Just last night I receive a series of texts from my AD (age 19). She "just wants to be in her bed. The stranger that she is staying with is trying to kiss me. Help me."
I understand these desperate messages. When they find recovery you will know. As of now, you are doing plenty by raising his child. He can fend for himself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8
Thank you everyone. I think, as I learn to navigate this site, I will get the support I need. He called again, wanting help, but... he says he doesn't have a drug problem, doesn't use drugs, doesn't know why anyone thinks so. I want so badly for him to be okay, but it will happen in his time, not mine. It just breaks my heart though.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Welcome to SR Sombra. I had never heard of EONS so of course had to google it, and sure enough whatever it was is no more.... But glad you are here and hope you find the support you need. My husband is my qualifier here, but there are lots of parents on this forum. Very sorry for what brings you here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Sombra 
I am the parent of an adult drug addict, a young man with a small child and another child on the way. I received such support from EONS, and am looking for something that will provide that same support. I just got cussed out by my son for not being willing to go pick him up and give him a place to live. We sent him to treatment when he was under 18. Since then, he is still on drugs (probably meth now) as well as scripts. He absolutely denies everything. Nothing new there.
Tonight he texted, called and begged me to come get him. It is cold out and he has no place to go. He has stolen from us, lied to us, cussed us out and hung up on me. He is obviously using again, but he calls me when he needs help. I have to say "NO", but it is so hard for me. I need the support of folks that have been there to help keep me strong. (as I type this, he just texted and said that he doesn't think he is the father of the child his girlfriend is carrying) He said that last time and accused his girlfriend of having sex with a man of another race. That child looks just like my son.
Thanks for listening,
Sombra
Tonight he texted, called and begged me to come get him. It is cold out and he has no place to go. He has stolen from us, lied to us, cussed us out and hung up on me. He is obviously using again, but he calls me when he needs help. I have to say "NO", but it is so hard for me. I need the support of folks that have been there to help keep me strong. (as I type this, he just texted and said that he doesn't think he is the father of the child his girlfriend is carrying) He said that last time and accused his girlfriend of having sex with a man of another race. That child looks just like my son.
Thanks for listening,
Sombra
I also have an adult addict son. My husband and I just went to counseling for US last night for the first time. It might benefit you to do the same. He told us more than once that something terrible may happen when we say No but he kept saying "Remember, it would not be your fault."
Hang in there. Unfortunately we're all in the boat right there with you...if that helps.
Hugs, Kari
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Saying "no" to our adult children is very difficult because they prey on our fears. They weave their story to gain advantage.....and we are easy targets because we love them.
Welcome to SR....there are a lot of parents here who understand.
It helps me to remember that unconditional love does not mean that we unconditionally accept inappropriate behavior. We deserve to be treated with respect and if that doesn't happen, it is perfectly understandable to distance ourselves.
Unfortunately, addiction creates a set of behaviors that are reinforced by our reactions to those behaviors. When we are able to say what we mean (state our boundaries clearly), mean what we say (boundaries are not negotiable) and most importantly....not say it mean.....we make progress.
I have had to say "no" when my son was homeless, hungry, and cold. I've had to say "you know where the men's shelter is....they will help you if you truly need help." And saying those words were the hardest thing I have ever done.....but they were said with love and compassion.
Sometimes....I wonder if they are testing us.....wishing that we could be strong for them. Wishing that we would say "no" so that they have to find a different path toward something more positive. And time and time again....we let them down.....because we aren't able to be strong enough to say "no".
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR....there are a lot of parents here who understand.
It helps me to remember that unconditional love does not mean that we unconditionally accept inappropriate behavior. We deserve to be treated with respect and if that doesn't happen, it is perfectly understandable to distance ourselves.
Unfortunately, addiction creates a set of behaviors that are reinforced by our reactions to those behaviors. When we are able to say what we mean (state our boundaries clearly), mean what we say (boundaries are not negotiable) and most importantly....not say it mean.....we make progress.
I have had to say "no" when my son was homeless, hungry, and cold. I've had to say "you know where the men's shelter is....they will help you if you truly need help." And saying those words were the hardest thing I have ever done.....but they were said with love and compassion.
Sometimes....I wonder if they are testing us.....wishing that we could be strong for them. Wishing that we would say "no" so that they have to find a different path toward something more positive. And time and time again....we let them down.....because we aren't able to be strong enough to say "no".
gentle hugs
ke
It is a good way to look at things because there has been this conflict in my mind that goes something like "How could leaving him homeless and hungry (and in our case in pain from real back problems) be a GOOD thing?"
Thanks so much for your insight.
Kari
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