bigsister1982

Wow. Its been a tumultuous few years since ive posted here. A month ago, I lost my little brother. Its been the most horrible thing thats ever happened to me. I prayed for so long that he would one day be at peace and I guess in a way, he is at peace. He was in jail for fighting for a few months, and our guess is that his body couldn't handle the dose he was used to when he got out.

This is so incredibly unfair. I had a wonderful visit with him the last time we saw him. He was so full of life and hopeful for the future. Since I last posted, I married and now have two children. They knew and love their Uncle J.

I wrote his obituary because I didnt want the standard "fill in the blanks" in the paper. I knew people would see that we wanted donations to the local youth rehabilitation center and people wouls write him off as not being any more than that. He was such a beautiful person when he was clean. I wish I had hugged him the last time I saw him. I wish that I didnt see the outline of that large white bandage under his shirt from his autopsy as a reminder at thr wake that he couldnt just sit up and everything would just have been a horrible joke.

I have such conflicting feelings right now. I see people in their 50s and 60s struggling and I want that compassion and love that I had for mu brother, for those people. But instead I get angry and think, why James? he was only 25. Why do these people get to waste away their life when he didnt get that chance? And I miss him so badly, but one time when I was staying at my parents, it hit me that I didnt need to worry about him dropping something and my kids finding it. my dad recently settled a car accident he was in 10 years ago and I think that now my parents dont have to worry about him stealing that money. I feel absolutely terrible about these thoughts.

I can't think past the next few days right now. He was away for three months and onlu home two weeks before he passed. It still feels like he will be home sometime. I don't know what brought me back here years after my last post, but ive been more honest with yoi here than I have with anyone I know face to face.

Impurrfect

Welcome home, sweetie, so very sorry for the loss of your little brother.

Lots of hugs and prayers to you and all who loved him,

Amy

chicory

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the sadness and anger. He was so young, and obviously a sweet brother and uncle and son.

thanks for sharing about him. a much loved man and a great loss. I am just so sorry.

Lotusangel

Big sister, I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience with my AH about 18 years ago. He was only 24. I would also often pray fir peace for him and for this whole addiction phase to be over. Only I didn't know it was death that was going to bring him peace. I had the same thoughts going through my head. The hurt if not having him live his life to the fullest us still there. I was left with three children 8, 6, and 3. Now my middle 23 YO son is my addict, and I am left with trying to comprehend it all Why?????

needingabreak

Bigsister I am so very sorry for your loss and feel your devastation in your words. I attended a funeral for a 20 yr old who died just before Christmas because of the same thing. He had been clean, living in a sober house for over 6 months doing great. The minute he was out (to meet his family for a Christmas vacation) he bought some heroin and did too much. He was not out of the sober house for even 12 hours. His family (parents and two older sisters) expressed the same feelings you have. It is a terrible tragedy and loss and it takes time to accept and deal with all those conflicting feelings.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

lizwig

I am extremely sorry for your loss. Sending prayers for strength for you...

Ann

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your brother. It breaks my heart each time we lose one and I can only imagine how painful this must be for you and all who loved him.

I'm glad you had a good visit with him before this happened and I know that he knew how very much you loved him.

I wish love could save them but perhaps God's love is greater and your brother now suffers no more.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Thank you for coming here to share this. Please know we are here for you as you grieve and face the coming days.

Hugs and Condolences from deep in my heart.

greeteachday

I'm so, so sorry that you lost your brother. I can relate to the feelings that you are experiencing; with just a few changes, I could have written this. My daughter had just turned 20. She had been working on trying to beat the demon, but sadly didn't make it either. Seven years later, I still feel conflicted sometimes and I miss her every day. It's certainly not a club I would want you to belong to - losing someone you love so dearly to addiction.

The feelings will not be so raw as time passes and in time those good memories of your brother will be so comforting...Please give yourself time to grieve in whatever way works best for you. As a parent of young children, please try to make sometime for yourself to rest and just process your feelings. I hope you will continue to share your feelings here if that helps you and please feel free to PM me. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Gentle hugs

bigsister1982

Thanks everyone. He had these giant angel wings tattooed on his back years ago. My mom ordered angel wing pendants for me and my sister and brother. Im happy about that.

Theres all this stuff that I can see that reminds me he is still around. Just little signs, like a bright red leaf when the melancholy of winter set in. Or an overload of those cherry cream cheese sandwiches at the funeral reception... he loved those and could never understand why they were reserved for funerals. And the undertaker was a professional Elvis impersonator... he would have LOVED that. I see his quirky sense of humor shining through when I need it.

Its terrible but a word ive heard from other siblings of addicts is "relief". I get it in a way. One friend said he was always scared for the phone call saying his sibling had passed. When that call actually came, he was able to stop worrying about getting that call. In a way I may feel relief too -im not sure if that is the right word. I believe God never let him stop WANTING to be clean and maybe this saved him from a life of struggle or prevented him from making a future mistake. I just put my faith in God and I know I will see him again. Until then he will be in my heart and my mind, every day.

Elseware

I just now came across your thread. I lost my younger sister the same way. It was such a waste. She had three young kids. One of them found her there.....I went off the rails myself after that. So take really good care of yourself. I know this has been very devastating for you. You have my deepest sympathy.

Nina Kay

Welcome back bigsister1982. I'm really so very sorry for all that you are going through. Losing your brother is a really terrible thing to deal with. I lost mine from lung cancer at 49. To me, that was too young & I've missed him so terribly much. I am also the Mother of a grown addict son that started using at 19. He was in the hospital dying so so many times over these years & the Drs always told him that if he did it again that he would surely die. Of course, he continued so we were horrified continually to the point of buying him a cemetary plot in his early 20s. I still have him, so far, but I've learned to make the most of each day with him, never knowing how long I'll get to keep him with me. So I do understand up to a point about your pain & sorrow. I just want you to know that I hurt for you & with you. Please keep coming back here to read & to share.
************{Compassionate & Caring Hugs}}}}}}}

Twofish

Dear BigSister, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and I fear that may happen to my AD. She's only 22 yrs old. I fear if I give up and stop trying to help her, I may never see her again and never hold her or touch her face. I'm so confused, do I rescue, enable? Or leave her alone with her addiction?
Like NinaKay said, I will make the best of each day that I have her. I understand the frustration but not the loss, and I never want to feel that loss. Parents shouldn't Barry their children, I've always felt that way.
Again, I'm so sorry, I will pray that God delivers comfort and understanding to your heart.
Thanks for sharing a most painful reality in your family.. TF

hopeful4

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Txhelp

So sorry...I would imagine that I would feel the same way. It's all final...no chance for recovery, no chance to be with the real person behind the addiction. The person that you loved....

You and your family know the true person...the heart. Prayers to you and your family.

HopefulmomtoD

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear BigSister, I am sending you prayers for your peace and your families peace. Addiction has taken so many lives too young. Also sending hugs and understanding
TT