Bmcowles

Hi everyone I am new to this site I am married to an addict/alcoholic. We have been together for over 8 years now and have a 1 year old little boy. My life is falling apart and his addictions are getting stronger. I worry he is cheating but have no proof and he will not admit a anything he says it's all in my head. I really miss who he was but I fear I'm losing him. Does anyone have any advice?

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.

I recommend you read around this forum. You are not alone, and sometimes just knowing that is a big deal.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kindeyes

The only bit of advise I have for anyone dealing with an active addict is do what you need to do to take care of you and that little one......whatever that may be for you. That is something you have control of.

Welcome to SR.....there are lots of people here who understand the challenges of being married to an addict. Some (like me) elected to leave.....others elect to stay. There is no definitive right or wrong as it is a very personal decision. But doing whatever needs to be done to ensure that the chaos of addiction doesn't rule the roost is of ultimate importance. Both you and the little one deserve to feel safe and secure.

gentle hugs
ke

Bmcowles

Thank you Amy I will read some more posts

Bmcowles

Thank you kindeyes. I am trying to hold it together and not give up on him like everyone else in his life has done. Now we have a child though and it's not fair for him to see this but it's not fair for him not to have his dad I am so confused

Kindeyes

It sounds like you are caught in F.O.G. (Fear, obligation, guilt). These things cloud our thinking so badly that it is very difficult to see a clear path. It is very common for the loved one of an active addict to get caught in F.O.G. And unfortunately, addicts often want to keep us trapped in F.O.G. because it allows them to establish a status quo.

It is very helpful to establish a support system. Counseling, Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, CoDA,......anything that will provide support for you. It is very difficult to navigate the confusion of addiction without help.

Take a read around here on SR. Every single person in this forum (Friends & Family of Substance Abusers) understands what you are thinking and feeling.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Bmcowles

Thanks kindeyes that makes sense. I am looking into help for me because everyone around me doesn't understand. I keep thinking I can help him and at one time that was what he wanted but now I think he loves his lifestyle. He goes out whenever he wants and still has his family when he comes home it's hard to try to walk away even for a little while as I run a dayhome so I can be home with my son.

needingabreak

Welcome BMcowles. I am the mom of a RAD so do not have much advice but I can tell you I am so sorry you are going through this. The posters above have already given you some great advice. I have only two things of advice.
1) read the stickies above as you will find them very helpful and a wealth of information
2) always, always trust your gut
Hugs.

Bmcowles

Thank you needingabreak!! I am sorry any of us are going through this addiction is such a terrible disease! It's so hard when your mind knows all the answers but your heart doesn't agree yet

needingabreak

I know believe me. You'll know when you are ready....you'll just KNOW. Be gentle and kind to yourself and do things that will make you happy, even if it is something simple like eating chocolate cake! Hugs.

Bmcowles

Thank you needingabreak!! I'm trying to be kind to myself sometimes it is hard because after so many years of blame you sadly kind of start to believe it even when you know I t isn't you or your fault. The sad thing is I'm the kind of person that when I am stressed I can not eat which is not good. I pray that this will all change and he will be the man I fell in love with again but I guess we all hope for that change don't we!

KeepinItReal

I'm married to a recovering addict. He left for a 14 month program (with a lot of visiting).

All I can say is I know that loneliness. I have 2 kids 3 & 7.

You are not alone and there is still hope whether he gets better or doesn't. You should protect your finances and start making a plan B for yourself. Loving them sober doesn't work, nagging, yelling, begging, pleading or bargaining all doesn't work.

Does he want to stop? If not you need to at least make a peaceful place for you and your baby. Helping yourself through this trauma (living with an addict) takes work and by that I mean therapy, alanon and support emotionally.