allthatsgood

My AS is back in rehab- went last week on his own without me or his father forcing or pushing. This is a different side that our son is seeing from us. And, as one of my good friends here on SR stated. I'm not treating this like summer camp this time around. No letters. No calls. No goody bags. No rides to and from. No money for extras. Do you think our loved ones recognize the change in us or are they too fixated on themselves. Just curious about others and their experiences.

suki44883

Oh, I think many of them notice. I'm sure some are way too self-involved to notice at first, but if we are consistent, they'll notice, but they won't like it. But then, we aren't doing it for them, are we?

lizwig

I think if my son ever chooses rehab for himself I would let him"own" his experience there. I did treat his first stint like summer camp. I would still probably send an encouraging card or two, maybe accept a phone call every now and then....but I wouldn't make myself available as much as I did or share all of my opinions. Simply doing that and listening to him I think would be enough of a difference that he'd notice something had changed. Detaching with love is the goal. Naturally we want to cheerlead but I think this may diminish the seriousness of their work. I REALLY want my son to own his accomplishments as well as his consequences. If I keep trying to control his outcomes then he may be confused as to who made the change. Your son has taken a huge step. I am so happy for all of you.

allthatsgood

Lizwig, no doubt we are happy he took this step on his own but again there is a change in me from the first time he went to rehab. I don't have any expectations this time around. Guess I'm trying to protect myself from be let down. I remember someone saying to me many years ago, way before being g married and having children..... "Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed". And I thought to myself, what a sad way to go through life. But guess what? That sort of applies to my current situation with my son.

Raider

Ok go ahead and bash my head in but here I go. Sometimes the "help" and the "enabling" can be quite overwhelming to the A. Sometimes we just want to say STOP, let me breathe. Let me flounder about. The seed has been sewn and I am the only one who can grow it. Or not. We are disappointed enough in ourselves without carrying the burden of trying to please everyone who wants to help. Stand by, but not too close. Let me fail or rise as only I can. We don't want to hurt you anymore. Just one A's opinion.

allthatsgood

No bashing Raider....I completely agree with what you are saying. I started My Recovery a year ago and stopped focusing on him and focused on myself. That's what I was asking... Do our addicted loved ones even notice that we have stopped enabling?

Raider

Yes. We notice very much. Very much.

YouWillBe

In my experience when I started pulling back, my daughter certainly ratcheted up her demands and seemed to want to stay in the forefront of our minds. I think she did feel us detaching - becoming totally overwhelmed and needing to get on with our own lives finally. We started going to meetings and that bothered her, too. She did apologize once and actually said she was sorry she made it so we had to go.

After a few weeks of not contacting her, being unavailable for every crisis, and not giving in to requests/demands I DID see a slight change and over the course of the last couple of months she's actually become more respectful, I think. Instances pop up, but they are becoming fewer. She still isn't wanting rehab or treatment, which she knows we'd love to see her do, but she has stopped asking for SO much...not completely...but SOOOOOO much. And she's starting to stop being a spoiled rotten brat. Starting...but that's a START!

I know she really does love her family, and after the Holidays when she was excluded (not blatantly, but still...) I think she might have realized that she IS or HAS lost something very precious. I hope she sees the distance as our own self-preservation instead of a punishment for her. Because it really is. In order to survive this we, as her parents who love her unconditionally, but need to salvage our own lives and sanity, have to be apart for the time being. I do believe she understands that, finally. I hope...

allthatsgood

I hope she sees the distance as our own self-preservation instead of a punishment for her. Because it really is.

You Will Be, this is exactly how my husband and I feel.

greeteachday

Although my daughter, when deep in her addiction, was sometimes really angry when her attempts at manipulation met with no response (a huge accomplishment for me), I also believe she was very sincere when, in times of clarity she expressed deep gratitude that I had sought help and was going to Naranon. I also believe that it is an added heavy load of shame and guilt when our addicted love ones see how sick we become.

atalose

Yes they notice and if they seek recovery they come to understand and respect why we made that decision.

When they don't seek recovery all they see is not getting what they were so use to getting which makes their consumption of their drug of choice difficult and they become agitated and angry with us.

I came to accept and in a good way that if they did become agitated and angry I was making the right decisions for myself.

jacrazz

You Rock!!