Still here
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Twofish, I am SOOOO glad you are posting again. Every morning I have looked for your posts, and worried when we didn't hear from you.
We have your back here, friend. Some of us may even loan you the flashlight that we finally found to show us our path through the darkness.
Great for you to go to a nar-alon meeting, and even better for getting some counseling from a specialist who works with parents of substance abusers.
You'll get your feet back under you. Don't be embarrassed to come here. It took me forever to understand what people here were telling me when I first posted. I kept, without realizing it, defending my abusive AH's point of view and actions and refuting what people here offered. I just couldn't get it until I GOT it. That will happen for you, too. Just try to be as open as you can to new ideas, and different ways to look at what is happening to you.
And mostly, take care of yourself. Do something each day, little or big, to care for yourself and make you smile. Even if its only a favorite chocolate or a favorite song.
ShootingStar1
We have your back here, friend. Some of us may even loan you the flashlight that we finally found to show us our path through the darkness.
Great for you to go to a nar-alon meeting, and even better for getting some counseling from a specialist who works with parents of substance abusers.
You'll get your feet back under you. Don't be embarrassed to come here. It took me forever to understand what people here were telling me when I first posted. I kept, without realizing it, defending my abusive AH's point of view and actions and refuting what people here offered. I just couldn't get it until I GOT it. That will happen for you, too. Just try to be as open as you can to new ideas, and different ways to look at what is happening to you.
And mostly, take care of yourself. Do something each day, little or big, to care for yourself and make you smile. Even if its only a favorite chocolate or a favorite song.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Good evening SR, First, I must say how humbling I feel, how safe it feels to be back and be among friends that know me and have never judged me. And for that I say thank you dear SR family, it's great to be back. I just wish things had improved, or at least stayed the same, NOT go spiraling out of control again. The game never ended, however, I am ready to fight to get off this crazy ride.
Ok, I did do something that might please ALOT of you. Before dropping off the boy at drivers ed, of course he asked "what's wrong mom?" so innocently and concerning, I told him we can talk later, lets go to the meat market and pick put some smoked fish. Great distraction! So after I dropped him off, I went to Walmart to kill some time. I hadn't had a haircut in years...so I walked in and had 7inches of stressed out greying hair cut off! I couldn't believe it, all that hair and it's still long. What's really amazing is that I LOVE it, it's so fresh and healthy, but as I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw an old tired woman looking back at me, she looked so sad, and unloved...then I looked again, and it was me staring right back at myself! I was shocked. I tried so hard to keep the tears in and not feel sorry for wasting my life, my time, not taking care of myself, no wonder I feel so abandoned! The stylist knew I was upset but did respect my grieving and talked about how stress can affect hair, etc. we talked alittle more and decided on the "Natalie Moralise" look from the Today show. Wow! This stylist is good! I felt good, so good, it made me wish I had put on some make-up or at least worn some clean clothes! I was sooo happy. Sounds vein but I looked good, in my eyes!
So I picked up the boy, and he looked at me, a huge grin on his face and gave me the greatest compliment, things like" looks really good mom", etc. The convo almost sounded normal. We finally has a positive thing to talk about besides drugs, stealing, lying and addiction. It was so rare but felt so good. So good...
So I take him home. I told him I was going to a meeting and would be home soon. He didn't ask where the meeting was or about, teenagers don't care and I didn't offer.
So I was 20 minutes late. I walked in (my FIRST) meeting that was Narcanon, I thought. I sat down. Everyone was nice, a lady my age continued to talk, she went on and on for another 30 minutes. Then the next guy says, hi, my name is Joe, I'm an addict/alcoholic and homeless. OMG, I'm in a NA meeting. I felt like dirt! I felt like I was violating a confidential meeting, an outsider or some sort of spy. I quickly excused myself, my heart is racing, I felt trapped, I felt like I disrespected their comfort zone and meeting.
So I excused myself and left.
There was a leader in the hallway, asked what was wrong, I told her. She apologized. We went to her office and talked some. She gave me correct info. There's NO Narconan mtgs here, one in Green Bay and a few in Madison. But she did say that alanon would give me the support I desperately desired. So I will go to alanon Friday night at another location. Darn, these bad luck things keep happening to me? Well, you learn some and then you lose some. At least I feel better, look nicer and feel safer. So that's my evening in journal form (sorry, just can't break that journaling thing I do!)
I'm home, in my Jammie's, with my two dogs snoring next to me. They care like you care, very, very much. I truly believe dogs sence emotional pain, but that's a discussion for another day.
I'm exhausted, eyes hurt, head is pounding, but I feel calm. I got out, did something for myself(haircut), talked face to face with a non judgemental person, I smiled, a lot, tonight something I almost forgot how to do! And I did it for ME on the suggestion of YOU(sure we don't know each other, maybe same boat?) thanks for pushing me, encouraging me, walking with me. I look forward to my intact counselor tomorrow. I'm praying for him that I'm not too much of a basket case, and enabler that needs her hand spanked!
I'm gonna go in there positive, be as honest as I can be, look him in the eye and ask for help. Wish me luck my friends and I will cyber ya in the morning. TF
Ok, I did do something that might please ALOT of you. Before dropping off the boy at drivers ed, of course he asked "what's wrong mom?" so innocently and concerning, I told him we can talk later, lets go to the meat market and pick put some smoked fish. Great distraction! So after I dropped him off, I went to Walmart to kill some time. I hadn't had a haircut in years...so I walked in and had 7inches of stressed out greying hair cut off! I couldn't believe it, all that hair and it's still long. What's really amazing is that I LOVE it, it's so fresh and healthy, but as I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw an old tired woman looking back at me, she looked so sad, and unloved...then I looked again, and it was me staring right back at myself! I was shocked. I tried so hard to keep the tears in and not feel sorry for wasting my life, my time, not taking care of myself, no wonder I feel so abandoned! The stylist knew I was upset but did respect my grieving and talked about how stress can affect hair, etc. we talked alittle more and decided on the "Natalie Moralise" look from the Today show. Wow! This stylist is good! I felt good, so good, it made me wish I had put on some make-up or at least worn some clean clothes! I was sooo happy. Sounds vein but I looked good, in my eyes!
So I picked up the boy, and he looked at me, a huge grin on his face and gave me the greatest compliment, things like" looks really good mom", etc. The convo almost sounded normal. We finally has a positive thing to talk about besides drugs, stealing, lying and addiction. It was so rare but felt so good. So good...
So I take him home. I told him I was going to a meeting and would be home soon. He didn't ask where the meeting was or about, teenagers don't care and I didn't offer.
So I was 20 minutes late. I walked in (my FIRST) meeting that was Narcanon, I thought. I sat down. Everyone was nice, a lady my age continued to talk, she went on and on for another 30 minutes. Then the next guy says, hi, my name is Joe, I'm an addict/alcoholic and homeless. OMG, I'm in a NA meeting. I felt like dirt! I felt like I was violating a confidential meeting, an outsider or some sort of spy. I quickly excused myself, my heart is racing, I felt trapped, I felt like I disrespected their comfort zone and meeting.
So I excused myself and left.
There was a leader in the hallway, asked what was wrong, I told her. She apologized. We went to her office and talked some. She gave me correct info. There's NO Narconan mtgs here, one in Green Bay and a few in Madison. But she did say that alanon would give me the support I desperately desired. So I will go to alanon Friday night at another location. Darn, these bad luck things keep happening to me? Well, you learn some and then you lose some. At least I feel better, look nicer and feel safer. So that's my evening in journal form (sorry, just can't break that journaling thing I do!)
I'm home, in my Jammie's, with my two dogs snoring next to me. They care like you care, very, very much. I truly believe dogs sence emotional pain, but that's a discussion for another day.
I'm exhausted, eyes hurt, head is pounding, but I feel calm. I got out, did something for myself(haircut), talked face to face with a non judgemental person, I smiled, a lot, tonight something I almost forgot how to do! And I did it for ME on the suggestion of YOU(sure we don't know each other, maybe same boat?) thanks for pushing me, encouraging me, walking with me. I look forward to my intact counselor tomorrow. I'm praying for him that I'm not too much of a basket case, and enabler that needs her hand spanked!
I'm gonna go in there positive, be as honest as I can be, look him in the eye and ask for help. Wish me luck my friends and I will cyber ya in the morning. TF
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
God bless you TF - I'm so glad to hear about your haircut and I'm so glad to see you back. We joined around the same time and I have been following your story and thinking hopeful thoughts for you the whole time. Please stay close to SR!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I am sitting here cheering as I read your post TF. Isn't it amazing when we start doing such small things for ourselves (things others take for granted) how wonderful it feels. I'll tell you a secret..............it's because you are taking steps to getting your life back. I know, who'd have thought something as simple as a haircut could bring such joy? US! We've been there and done that. If I went a day without crying I considered it a good day!
I'm sorry you went to the wrong meeting but it was for a reason. I don't believe it was bad luck/ Maybe it was so you could have a one on one face to face with the woman you spoke with. God works in mysterious ways TF.
This is the start of you looking after you. And wasn't it nice to have that moment with your son with no drama!? You will find as you start doing more and more for yourself how much better you feel and how much more control you get for yourself. it sure is a wonderful feeling! So happy for you TF.
Hugs
I'm sorry you went to the wrong meeting but it was for a reason. I don't believe it was bad luck/ Maybe it was so you could have a one on one face to face with the woman you spoke with. God works in mysterious ways TF.
This is the start of you looking after you. And wasn't it nice to have that moment with your son with no drama!? You will find as you start doing more and more for yourself how much better you feel and how much more control you get for yourself. it sure is a wonderful feeling! So happy for you TF.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Thanks Vale. This means a lot to me coming from you. You are the kind of person I need to surround myself with!!! Strong and takes no prisoners. Ha ha! That ought to tick the 'old addiction off!
Thanks for your very positive support! TF
Thanks for your very positive support! TF
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
But she did say that alanon would give me the support I desperately desired. So I will go to alanon Friday night at another location. Darn, these bad luck things keep happening to me?
Your "new do" sounds wonderful, so does your new self-esteem....sometimes just a small thing taking care of ourselves can make a huge difference.
It's good to see you reaching out to make the changes that will make your life better...regardless of how your kids do with theirs.
You've got a lot of support here, we're all walking with you and the trick is that we keep moving forward, one step at a time, one day at a time. No detours down the dead-end streets of regrets, remorse, fear, sadness...those streets are dark, lead no place good and we skip right past them and stay under the streetlights of love, support, faith...a lot of faith and even blind faith when we cannot see where we are being led.
You are going to be okay, I just know it, and you did it yourself with just a couple of small steps. The most important step of all is the one that begins a voyage. Your recovery ship has set sail and you're at the helm. Bravo.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Sounds like you're doing all the right things TF. Let us know how the appointment goes today. I think you have the right idea - be straight up, and ask for help. I think you'll find that there are some very caring, understanding professionals out there. You'll do fine, don't worry! Have a great day, here's to 'new beginnings'. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 127
TF.. Where do I begin? First of all, look how many of us truly care about you? You were sorely missed! I'm so glad you are back!!!!!
You getting your haircut was a wonderful step of you taking care of you! If you don't, who will? Like on the plane...put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others!
I'm thrilled and very hopeful that you are going to see a therapist and going to a meeting. By the way, if it was an "open" meeting you could have stayed. Everything happens for a reason. You were meant to speak to that woman and be guided by her. And maybe a test of your conviction to help yourself.
Listen, you know my story...you know I've kicked my RAD out of our home several times. It really has only helped her in the end. Jail helped her. Things are not perfect and I don't know what today or tomorrow will bring, but I know that I will do it again if it comes down to it. Ask yourself, honestly, what you're afraid of by telling them to leave. I know...the usual stuff..overdose, prostitution etc. you can't stop that. You don't have that much power. If they choose that route then that is their choice as sad as that is. But they have already destroyed your marriage, destroying your relationship with your son, probably corrupting him and most of all destroying YOU!! You deserve more than that but you have to believe it first! You are not a doormat! You are not obligated to endure the pain and suffering that they are directing at you. In my heart I see you coming out the other end of this a much stronger, independent person. Getting there will be hard and tough decisions along the way. But you will do it my friend. I'm in your corner cheering you on!!!
You getting your haircut was a wonderful step of you taking care of you! If you don't, who will? Like on the plane...put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others!
I'm thrilled and very hopeful that you are going to see a therapist and going to a meeting. By the way, if it was an "open" meeting you could have stayed. Everything happens for a reason. You were meant to speak to that woman and be guided by her. And maybe a test of your conviction to help yourself.
Listen, you know my story...you know I've kicked my RAD out of our home several times. It really has only helped her in the end. Jail helped her. Things are not perfect and I don't know what today or tomorrow will bring, but I know that I will do it again if it comes down to it. Ask yourself, honestly, what you're afraid of by telling them to leave. I know...the usual stuff..overdose, prostitution etc. you can't stop that. You don't have that much power. If they choose that route then that is their choice as sad as that is. But they have already destroyed your marriage, destroying your relationship with your son, probably corrupting him and most of all destroying YOU!! You deserve more than that but you have to believe it first! You are not a doormat! You are not obligated to endure the pain and suffering that they are directing at you. In my heart I see you coming out the other end of this a much stronger, independent person. Getting there will be hard and tough decisions along the way. But you will do it my friend. I'm in your corner cheering you on!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
Twofish!!
one day at a time darlin .. one day at a time, and if you stumble we will be here. Just get to that keyboard and type away. I'm happy to read that you are walking in the direction of wholeness and seeking some face to face help. ((Twofish))
one day at a time darlin .. one day at a time, and if you stumble we will be here. Just get to that keyboard and type away. I'm happy to read that you are walking in the direction of wholeness and seeking some face to face help. ((Twofish))
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
TF....so glad you did something positive just for you. It's good to take care of yourself. And of course that your sweet son complimented you. I agree about the puppy dogs. I love my dog so much, and he loves me back, no matter what.
I hope your appointment is good today, that you are able to open up and get guidance and some peace.
Tight Hugs!
I hope your appointment is good today, that you are able to open up and get guidance and some peace.
Tight Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear SR, I'm starting to panick or getting off track or starting this endless worrying that I do. I can't find the older AD! I thought she was up in her room sleeping, I was being strong, not giving in to waking her up and taking hear to the Methadone Clinic, I was waiting for her. She never came out of her room, so I went up to check on her (I'm sorry I'm a mom and I can't help the urge to know she is ok) well she's not in her room or been home all night. So (don't be mad please, I texted her)
I'm right back where I started from, all the confidence and courage is gone. I sit here weeping like a baby out of worry.
She finally texts back, she's with a friend. She has no car or money and was just served with a mandatory drug test from the DA. She hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I offered to come and get her, go get a test, she is so angry with me. She knows what buttons to push to wind me up tight that I'm forgetting to breath. She wants nothing to do with me. That will kill me. This is my oldest child and wants nothing to do with me. I fear I'm caving in, all that hard work I thought I had accomplished is gone. This addiction has crept out of her and into me. Why did I call the police?? I was scared, she threatened to kill me, but now she's in trouble again. She had court on Monday and given deferred prosecution then on Thursday, I'm such a wimp, I call the police on her. Dam she deserved to have consequences for her actions, that doesn't mean to punish me for something I didn't do. I'm babbling and obsessing. I don't think I'm in any shape to see the counselor in an hour from now. He's gonna think I'm nuts. 12 hours ago, my world was looking up, I was smiling,,now, I'm crying and regretting some of the decisions that I've made. I can't see the therapist, but I will go to the alanon meeting tonight.
I just knew that feeling this good about my girl and myself was wrong, too soon. When, when is this gonna stop, I need to get off this ride, I want to go home. TF
I'm right back where I started from, all the confidence and courage is gone. I sit here weeping like a baby out of worry.
She finally texts back, she's with a friend. She has no car or money and was just served with a mandatory drug test from the DA. She hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I offered to come and get her, go get a test, she is so angry with me. She knows what buttons to push to wind me up tight that I'm forgetting to breath. She wants nothing to do with me. That will kill me. This is my oldest child and wants nothing to do with me. I fear I'm caving in, all that hard work I thought I had accomplished is gone. This addiction has crept out of her and into me. Why did I call the police?? I was scared, she threatened to kill me, but now she's in trouble again. She had court on Monday and given deferred prosecution then on Thursday, I'm such a wimp, I call the police on her. Dam she deserved to have consequences for her actions, that doesn't mean to punish me for something I didn't do. I'm babbling and obsessing. I don't think I'm in any shape to see the counselor in an hour from now. He's gonna think I'm nuts. 12 hours ago, my world was looking up, I was smiling,,now, I'm crying and regretting some of the decisions that I've made. I can't see the therapist, but I will go to the alanon meeting tonight.
I just knew that feeling this good about my girl and myself was wrong, too soon. When, when is this gonna stop, I need to get off this ride, I want to go home. TF
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
TF...go to the therapist. I promise it will make things better for you.
Stop taking her consequences on yourself dear lady. She deserves any consequences she has to have. They are not yours. Addiction is eating up her personality, she is not the person you know and love. Hopefully she will get help but not if you keep rescuing her. Let her have consequences so maybe one day she can be that person again.
Please go to the therapist and get the help you so deserve. I cannot imagine how your AS and husband have to feel. You are risking everything in your life for these daughters who are treating you like dirt on the floor. Love and help is not what they need. They need some consequences for their terrible behavior.
Tight Hugs. Please do not see this as something you have done. You are the victim, it is time to give yourself some rights and get some help.
Stop taking her consequences on yourself dear lady. She deserves any consequences she has to have. They are not yours. Addiction is eating up her personality, she is not the person you know and love. Hopefully she will get help but not if you keep rescuing her. Let her have consequences so maybe one day she can be that person again.
Please go to the therapist and get the help you so deserve. I cannot imagine how your AS and husband have to feel. You are risking everything in your life for these daughters who are treating you like dirt on the floor. Love and help is not what they need. They need some consequences for their terrible behavior.
Tight Hugs. Please do not see this as something you have done. You are the victim, it is time to give yourself some rights and get some help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
TF...I have been following your story for a while and sympathize so deeply with your heartache. I don't have kids myself and cannot imagine what you are going through, so I rarely comment, but I want to echo hopeful on this -- an hour from now is EXACTLY when you should go see that therapist. There really isn't any better plan when you are in the state you are in. That is what the therapist is for and you deserve it.
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