In serious need of advice on how to handle him!!!! Please respond!!!
 

I live with my addicted exboyfriend and his mom. I'm going to move and get an apartment to get out of this hellhole of a house as soon as I can. It is such high stress here all because of him (and his enabling mother.) Besides taking enough Xanax to kill a horse and forcing everyone to babysit him he lies to me and he's hit me several times already (all my fault according to him). Just disagreeing with him when he's high is enough to set him off. When he's high he forces me to deal with his presence by following me and when I ask him to leave me alone he turns on me. For example last night he got high and when I noticed and got my purse and drink to back in my room he got really mad at me. He acted like I was the one with the problem for not wanting to be around him. He swears up and down that didn't take anything. When I got up this morning and came downstairs he came upstairs and started harassing me immediately. He wanted to know why I thought he was high (slurring his words with his pupils huge). I really didn't want to engage so I just told him to leave me alone. So he pushes me. He tells me I need to find another place to live and a way to pay for my bills (he won't let me work but I'm looking for work anyway). He loves to hold everything over my head and act like he's this amazing man for allowing me to live here (and deal with his ********). This man never pays his mom rent and runs up all her bills spends all her money on ********
He's a loser and a user and an abuser. I have no respect for him because he doesn't deserve my respect. He hurts me, forces me to babysit him lest he set the house on fire and causes me psychological damage and doesn't even give me the satisfaction of admitting his mistakes. Instead he picks fights with me. His arrogance makes me so mad I could kill him.
Anyway my question is how do I not engage with him. I know there is a list of rules for friends and family of drug abusers I just don't know what they are. Do I ignore him totally(I'm so mad at him for having me quit my job, sell my broken down car, move in and file for temporary disability (I have the back of a 65 year old from an injury my Dr says) all under the pretense that he will support me until I get accepted. Instead he got me totally dependant on him and emotionally and physically abuses me. When I stand up for myself he holds everything over my head. I'm so mad that I could kill him. He talks over me, says things to make me engage and anytime he actually let's me say my piece he's not really listening. How do I not engage? Do I continue to babysit him when his mom isn't here? Do I continue to hide things or keep them out of the way so they don't get stolen or broken? I absolutely have nowhere else to go. Family won't take me in. No shelter has a bed. I don't drive. And I'm desperately looking for work. When I do find work do I worry about what's going on at home (I have three cats that I've gotten very attached to now and I'm not willing to give them up just yet. Do I call the cops with an anonymous tip (he's gone out to get more Xanax)? How do I handle him? How can I make living here as easy as possible? I know I gotta get it through my head that I know how wrong and cruel he is and that's enough. He doesn't need to be aware of it for me to take action. I'm sorry if this was difficult to read- I'm very very frustrated right now. Please someone give me advice!

Do you own the home or rent? Whose name is on the home/lease? Is there somewhere you can go to that is safe? You should never allow someone to hurt you. He sounds like he is very volatile and you could easily go to the police and get a protective order. Why would you want to stay with someone who is so messed up on drugs and you are afraid of? It sounds to me like you do not have to do anything at all to engage him. You have tried to ask him to leave you alone and he refuses so how can you do anything to not engage him if he comes looking for you to instigate? No one can make you do anything. He cannot make you quit your job, babysit him or anything else.
Your best option is figuring out a way to get out of there as soon as possible. If you have no family or friends who would allow you to stay there are Women's shelters in many areas for abused women.
I hope you can leave this situation and do what is best for you.

EH, call a women's shelter and ask for help. Whether you go there or not, they can connect you with safe housing or you can stay there while you look for work.

He is abusing you and is dangerous, please find your way to some place safe soon. Perhaps have someone help you move, leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.

There is a link to an abuse hotline here and other helpful information.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

Hugs

Ann brought up a very good point; when you leave him, it's going to be ugly. Make sure you are not alone when leave that place for good.

Once you do, block him from calling and texting you, and block him on all social media.

Protect yourself at all costs. If he shows up at your new place, call the cops and, if necessary, pursue a RO.

I would also strongly encourage you to seek therapy. Whether you're fully aware of this or not, you've been traumatized, and I think to have a professional to help you unpack your thoughts and feelings will be a benefit to you.

Please keep us in the loop. And stay safe.

ZoSo

I think I would look into going to a women's shelter for awhile if possible.
They usually have excellent security and from there you can look for work
and a place to live. If you have no money or job, it may take some time
to save up. Could you possibly move back to parents / family for a bit?

I'd also change my phone number and break all ties from him as others have suggested,
Leaving for the last time is the most dangerous as Ann said. Be very careful.

I call shelters everyday and they're all full. I secured an appointment for free counseling and asked his mom for a ride because its far away and in a bad place and I had no way to get there. Once she looked up the address she was suddenly busy and couldn't give me a ride. She was protecting her son. He told me that she was afraid of what I might say. My family will not help with a place to live, with money or even as a shoulder to lean on. I'm 100% on my own. I have a good head on my shoulders and I usually know what to do. I have no clue with this though. My only idea is to get a job and pray my back doesn't give out on me before I get an apartment. I agree that I'm traumatized. I feel shell shocked. I'm getting very weary and I feel much older than I am. The last time he got physical I got choked, thrown into a TV and onto the floor. While I was waiting for the dizziness to subside he was standing over me calling me a white trash loser etc etc. I'm pretty sure I got a concussion from that. I had a lump on my forehead and a painful bruise. It really made me feel like a loser to have to cover it up with makeup. He's 37 I'm 25. He's 200 lbs and in great shape and I'm 120 lbs and almost disabled. He knows how bad my back is. One small injury could paralyze me. He knows this. He knew I was traumatized and weak emotionally from a bad abusive childhood and I think that's why he chose me. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of calling the cops because these people have screwed up values and I'm pretty sure I'd be out on my ass. Honestly I'm afraid of what he's going to do if I can't get out of here in time. Each attack is worse than the attack before.
I know that this is more of an abuse situation than an addiction situation. But I'm stuck. And I know that there are coping skills that people who are forced to live with an addict employ to make their lives healthy in spite of the sickness around them. I know things are never going to be easy for me here but I'm sure there must be some level of separation that I can achieve that will give me a healthier life as long as I'm stuck here. He's got me very much blind and he's manipulated me into irrationality and engaging. I know I'm doing something wrong here but I don't know how to change it because I don't know what it is. He's in my head, under my skin and taking over my life. He's destroying me and I have nowhere to turn. Every time he gets high I get really stressed and I start having physical reactions like shaking, sweating and palpitations. I think that's a sign that I'm slightly codependent. How do I get myself to the point that I don't care. I don't love him anymore. I kind of care about him but that's dwindling down too. I almost hate him. I think I'm just traumatized by all the crap that's happened all the other times he was high and that's why I get stressed. I just need to know what other's experiences are and what they did to cope I guess. I've heard of some of the rules like don't support him financially when he can't pay bills because he spent all his money on drugs from watching intervention. But I don't know anything else. What are your experience and how do you handle it?
I'm strong and I've gotten through s lot in my life already. But I'm only so strong. I fear I'm headed for a nervous breakdown.

I'm not trying to get sympathy. I'm just trying to show how bad this is. This is my only outlet as my family is just not there and I have no friends left after this relationship.

Are there any churches around you? Do you attend church regularly? Is there any way you could speak to a pastor at one of the churches to see if they can help you?

There is no way to handle him, and trying to predict a way to will be just add more danger. You already seem to be in enough.

Call 211 from any phone and they should be able to connect you to every available resource in your area. Also if you call the police when you are hit, they should have emergency services they can steer you to as well.

Don’t talk to him or his mother about your plans, go about the day diligent, prepared to leave at a moments notice if things get bad … and to the point of knocking on a neighbors door to get help if you have to flee that fast. Nothing is an important or valuable as your life.

Stay safe and get away at all costs. God Bless.

I think you have been through this so many times with his getting violent while getting high on Xanax that your body kicks into a fight or flight mode, and since you cannot do either at that moment your body reacts. I too believe you are suffering a trauma here. I hope at some point you can get some therapy to help you work through all the emotions.

I don't have any experience with abusive situations, but a couple of things I wanted to comment on... where we live, there are no kill animal shelters. A couple of them will work to temporarily foster animals when the owner has an emergency type of situation and cannot care for them for a short period of time (a few weeks, a couple months even). An example, when someone has a medical problem and has to be admitted to the hospital and has no one to care for their pets but expect to be able to again in a few weeks. It wouldn't hurt to call around you area and ask if there are any such services available. Rescue groups, shelters... they will have you sign a contract of sorts so there is no confusion. Also inquire with the domestic abuse agencies and shelters as they may have contacts to help you make an escape plan including your pets.

Earlier in your post you were asking about a list of "rules". I think you might be referring to suggestions on how not to "enable" a persons drug use. I think you mentioned you heard "don't give money". I don't think enabling is so much the issue with an abusive situation. Physical abuse and addiction do not always go hand in hand. My husband was never abusive, however he also abused Xanax. He did say it made him agitated, and angry, but he never acted on those feelings with violence. Your BF is showing repetitive behavior and seems very volatile.

I hope you can continue to work on a plan to exit the relationship and their home ASAP. Im so sorry you are going through this, please be careful.

Yes at any cost get out...telling his Mom or getting help from her to take you is not really in your best interest...you need to get to where he has no way of finding out just where you have gone. I was under the impression that a woman's shelter will take you at anytime, its a matter of your safety! Dont waste another minute there!

Rose

Like the others said I would not worry about how to deal with his addiction right now but rather worry about how to get out ASAP! Your post really scared me. I would not talk to his mom about any of this from what you have written. Once you secure a shelter, perhaps you can call the police, explain your situation and have them be at the home when you are removing your belongings but do not be there alone when you are trying to leave.

Yes, I agree with others.
There is no "managing" this person and his mother sounds like an enabling accomplice.
Things will get worse and you may end up permanently harmed (back issues) or dead.

You may not want to hear this kind of advice because it means acting. But my understanding is that women's shelters do take in people in immediate danger,
so I suggest you do something to take care of yourself here. We can only advise, but you must choose to listen and act.

I do wish you the best, but I honestly think you are in some serious denial if you think you can wait around and find a job, save money and not possibly get hurt by this person during that time.

Please take care and keep posting.

How about you call a domestic violence hotline and tell them you need help to leave their TODAY.

Or how about next time he gets physical with you, because yes there will be a text time, you call 911 then you press charges and the police will bring in a domestic violence counselor to help you.

If your calling homeless shelters waiting for a bed, it could be a long wait but domestic violence shelters is the way you need to go.

And you need to go TODAY.

EH I volunteered for a domestic abuse center in my town. You are right, many times shelters are full. Have you spoken to someone in your town about your current situation and how desperately you need to leave? They need to know your situation and that he is an addict and you fear for your life. They could also check surrounding cities/towns to see if there are any openings there. besides the shelters, they have other tools like small groups and classes. We held a class called patterns and it teaches abused women about their choices in men and why they tend to choose abusers. They also teach you how to change that pattern as is is something you learned a very long time ago. EH, you need to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. If the women's shelters cannot help you I would even consider going to the police.
I hope you are able to find a kind hearted soul to take you to the counseling appointment. This would be a very important first step in getting away from this terrible and life threatening situation. Please let us know how you are doing.

Homeless shelters are much different than Domestic Violence Shelters. A domestic violence shelter will not turn you away. They understand the sense of urgency and will often times have people "stand by" as you remove your things so you can leave safely. Unfortunately you cannot predict when he may take his violence to the next level or go too far. YOU are in control of your destiny. Reaching out for help will be the first step in reclaiming your sense of dignity, respect and control over your own future. Please make this call today...

I know its scary to move away and live on your own....but necessary. We often remain stuck in abusive relationships because its what we know. The fear of the unknown can grip us so tightly that we find tons of excuses why we can not/should not break free.

You can do this! There are people out there to help you....its their job....its what they do...they will keep you safe. Search the net for women's organizations in your area that deal with this type of thing...they are there. If you cannot call from your home, go out and make the call or email them and tell them you need help....tell them its urgent and your life depends on it.

Trust me, they will work with you to formulate a plan to get you out of the home safely....they will help you to get gov. benefits...housing, medical and food stamps...most will help with vocational training and job assistance. You DO NOT have to wait to get a job and save up.

No more excuses...do it today....do it for YOU!