blueeyedlady

It has been a while since I have posted. So much goes on in our lives! At any rate, my 24 year old daughter was arrested last March for heroin possession. She did not live with us. We found out through the social media and were devastated. Her method of coping is to blame me. She went through an inpatient rehab and half way house stay following her incarceration. I visited her at the halfway house frequently to be supportive. She moved back in with her boyfriend, who is not an addict, but who does have a long criminal record. She was arrested about a month later for possession of stolen property. We are all supposed to be glad it was not drug related, an in a way, we were. She stays with "friends." She lies about where she is. But, she's been professing to be "clean." Then, her stepfather passed away December 6. Her siblings live with me and my husband and I paid for the funeral services because the kids were in so much pain, they needed a good by. My daughter, the addict, offered to come and help us set up a picture board for the services. However, she made her way downtown and never showed up. She called my son for a ride after hours of being down there and it was obvious she had relapsed. She denied this over and over. My son took her back to her father's residence after letting him know. Her father defended her and feels that we just think the worst of her. We did transport her to the funeral, after it started and she started texting for rides, where she continuously bad-mouthed me to whoever would listen. I talked to her on the phone before christmas and told her that she was welcome to come by for an hour, if she had a ride both ways, and would agree to take a drug test I had purchased. While still proclaiming her sobriety, she said she couldn't get a ride.

So, we didn't hear from her for a bit and turns out she spent a week in jail for a failed drug test, marijuana. She is in a drug court program currently. She has told my daughter that she sneeks in clean urine prior to her failed test. We notified the court.

I am to the point where while looking back it was so devastating to us that she was arrested and an addict in March, the only peace we have now is when she is in jail. She's mean, she's manipulative, irresponsible, and self-centered. I cannot have dealings with her anymore. She's terribly deceptive. She does not attend her meetings and I don't think she is in a mental health program. She just kind of does the bare minimum to stay out of jail and she's not even doing that well! She lies about her past, present and future. We just can't get to anywhere from there.

So, i am making a decision to not have contact with her. at all. She is not the person I know as a loving, beautiful, funny, smart girl who wanted to own the world. I know she is homeless. I know she has nothing. But, she only wants what she wants and we cannot change that. We have tried to support her, but she uses us. My only hope is that she goes to jail for a long time so we can sleep knowing she is safe.

KeepinItReal

It sounds like you have a good handle on what "the addict" is. It's good you realize this is who she is NOW.

Until she's ready to stop having her life go like this... she will continue to act selfishly. It goes hand and hand with the disease.

When my husband isn't listening to his active voice he's not selfish. However, during active addiction (which she really is in - and can tell by her behaviors) she will be the selfish witch she's showing herself to be.

It still amazes me how selfish I was in active addiction. I wasn't able to see outside of myself or really care about anyone else. It just goes along with the disease. Sad but true. Plus, many times I have been GLAD to see my AH in jail.... because it was a safe place. Away from death or further crimes. It's such a sick disease. It's good your being realistic and not in denial. Relapse is not only common but expected. Good luck.

hopeful4

I am so so sorry. I wish I had some great nugget of wisdom. I can only say that I think you are doing the right thing. I understand about wishing her to be in jail. I attend Celebrate Recovery for codependency. I can say that I have heard many testimonies of people who tried every trick in the book and every rehab and all other things. Many of them were not successful until they spent some very real time in jail. Until she wants to be clean, FOR HER, she will not be successful. It seems like jail is a good motivator for that for many people.

I send you tight hugs. You sound like a great mom. Do not accept the blame game, you have done nothing to make this happen. Addicts cannot accept that they are to blame, it is a symptom of the addiction, and a sucky one at that. Misery loves company is the old saying....

Take good care of yourself.

Newimage

I hadn't ready your posts until I read the one you left me today. It sounds like we have the same daughter. It reminded me of some of the worst things she's done and said, which in turn will help me maintain the boundaries I need to keep for everyone's sake. It makes me want to find her tumblr page and read the post she wrote about me being a histrionic sack of sh**t. I know very well the feeling of peace when they are in jail. They're alive and we know where they are.

Take care.