Daughter who desperately needs advice on lending mother money
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3
Daughter who desperately needs advice on lending mother money
Hi all,
First, thanks in advance for reading this. I called a therapist who specializes in family addictions to schedule an appointment but that can take some time, and I am worried I will need to have this discussion with my mother in the next couple of days.
I am 27 years old (f). I grew up incredibly attached to my mother. So attached and naive, I had no idea she was using. A child can't handle that information, so I turned her into superwoman who can do no wrong (in my mind), although looking back, she did sleep a LOT. We have always had a bond (which is probably codependence) - I couldn't go to sleep without telling her my secrets. I was scared of sleeping away even at age 18. Abnormal attachment..which has made accepting reality that much harder.
My father left my mom 5 years ago - he couldn't take it anymore. Her addictions, her lies, her stealing. This left me living alone with my mother at age 22. I was already starting to learn she had some "pill problems" but still a naive child, I needed a mom to idolize, and couldn't handle realizing the truth. Well, she became much worse when my dad left. I was living with a zombie, and turned into her caretaker. I could no longer look at her, I was so hurt and betrayed. My uncle helped send her to rehab the first time about 4 years ago. She does not seem to understand that she is an addict. She thinks addicts are those "other people - the druggies". She is a "classy addict" apparently.
My mother is addicted to everything except alcohol probably. She is addicted to spending, to xanax, to eating, to anything that she can get her hands on to not feel. She lives in some fantasy land. My father took care of her for so long, so when he left she did not know how to take care of herself financially. When our family home was finally sold 2 yrs after my dad left, my mother took about $40k from my dad's half of the money, to help pay their debt since they are still legally married (although not speaking).
I now live on my own, and my mother moved to Florida bc she could no longer afford to live in NY. This past April my mother was visiting me in my apartment and relapsed. I sent her to rehab for a month, and spent a week in a family program learning about enabling and codependence and the need to establish boundaries. I set firm boundaries - letting her know she can no longer stay with me (not bc of the addiction but bc I live in a studio and she does not understand our attachment is not healthy - she has a brother with a huge house). I also told her our family would no longer help her bc she is capable of doing it on her own. Since then, I have stayed away and let her recovery be HER recovery. Especially since after rehab she did not do anything she was supposed to do - like outpatient, or meetings. So.. I was done.
A few days ago she called me saying because she is in a tough financial spot, she wants to sell her apartment in florida and move to a cheaper one. She asked if I can lend her money. She barely makes any money working as a cashier in a department store, yet she doesn't seem to understand that her life is her responsibility. She keeps thinking she is entitled to help. I suggested she get a 2nd job, she found that hilarious. My brother and I have suggested she try getting a different job, but she says no one will hire her. She is lazy, and doesn't do anything. Yet, I struggle with telling my mother I will not lend her money. She does not seem to understand that she needs to fix her financial situation herself.
She says she is not using and she would never do that to me again. I believe she is not on xanax, but I don't think she understands that her problem is WAY BEYOND the xanax - she does not take responsibility for her life.
Should I lend her money since she basically has $800 in her account, in order to help her with finances as she prepares to sell her apartment?
(As I typed this the answer became clearer to me, but I guess I just need support).
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.
-Frustrated and pained daughter
First, thanks in advance for reading this. I called a therapist who specializes in family addictions to schedule an appointment but that can take some time, and I am worried I will need to have this discussion with my mother in the next couple of days.
I am 27 years old (f). I grew up incredibly attached to my mother. So attached and naive, I had no idea she was using. A child can't handle that information, so I turned her into superwoman who can do no wrong (in my mind), although looking back, she did sleep a LOT. We have always had a bond (which is probably codependence) - I couldn't go to sleep without telling her my secrets. I was scared of sleeping away even at age 18. Abnormal attachment..which has made accepting reality that much harder.
My father left my mom 5 years ago - he couldn't take it anymore. Her addictions, her lies, her stealing. This left me living alone with my mother at age 22. I was already starting to learn she had some "pill problems" but still a naive child, I needed a mom to idolize, and couldn't handle realizing the truth. Well, she became much worse when my dad left. I was living with a zombie, and turned into her caretaker. I could no longer look at her, I was so hurt and betrayed. My uncle helped send her to rehab the first time about 4 years ago. She does not seem to understand that she is an addict. She thinks addicts are those "other people - the druggies". She is a "classy addict" apparently.
My mother is addicted to everything except alcohol probably. She is addicted to spending, to xanax, to eating, to anything that she can get her hands on to not feel. She lives in some fantasy land. My father took care of her for so long, so when he left she did not know how to take care of herself financially. When our family home was finally sold 2 yrs after my dad left, my mother took about $40k from my dad's half of the money, to help pay their debt since they are still legally married (although not speaking).
I now live on my own, and my mother moved to Florida bc she could no longer afford to live in NY. This past April my mother was visiting me in my apartment and relapsed. I sent her to rehab for a month, and spent a week in a family program learning about enabling and codependence and the need to establish boundaries. I set firm boundaries - letting her know she can no longer stay with me (not bc of the addiction but bc I live in a studio and she does not understand our attachment is not healthy - she has a brother with a huge house). I also told her our family would no longer help her bc she is capable of doing it on her own. Since then, I have stayed away and let her recovery be HER recovery. Especially since after rehab she did not do anything she was supposed to do - like outpatient, or meetings. So.. I was done.
A few days ago she called me saying because she is in a tough financial spot, she wants to sell her apartment in florida and move to a cheaper one. She asked if I can lend her money. She barely makes any money working as a cashier in a department store, yet she doesn't seem to understand that her life is her responsibility. She keeps thinking she is entitled to help. I suggested she get a 2nd job, she found that hilarious. My brother and I have suggested she try getting a different job, but she says no one will hire her. She is lazy, and doesn't do anything. Yet, I struggle with telling my mother I will not lend her money. She does not seem to understand that she needs to fix her financial situation herself.
She says she is not using and she would never do that to me again. I believe she is not on xanax, but I don't think she understands that her problem is WAY BEYOND the xanax - she does not take responsibility for her life.
Should I lend her money since she basically has $800 in her account, in order to help her with finances as she prepares to sell her apartment?
(As I typed this the answer became clearer to me, but I guess I just need support).
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.
-Frustrated and pained daughter
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi LD, sorry for what brought you here but SR is a great place for support. I grew up with an alcoholic mom who kept me wayyy too close too. She was erratic and since she could be so difficult and decided at some point she hated my father, I became her confidante. It wasn't healthy and I had to work for a long time on separating myself. My problems have always been mine, and my successes have always been "ours". I sort of grew up expecting to take care of her, after all I did it when I was a kid, so it seemed to make sense that I would definitely do even more as an adult.
It took me a long time to say enough. But I realized that no matter how much I did it was never enough. Even though I look at other friends who have always had their parents to lean on and I can see what I have never had..it still feels disloyal sometimes. Remember this is very old and very deep. My mother never had appropriate boundaries either….I too moved away and never went back.
It doesn't sound like you mother has ever had real consequences to her addiction. While it is not pleasant to watch anyone suffer, someone who has had opportunities to better themselves and not take responsibility for their own lives spends a lot of time working over other people versus owning their issues. It sounds like you already know the answer, you mom has been to rehab twice, so does she. I read a lot on the family and friends forums because I am the daughter of an alcoholic as well as someone who is newly recovering. Over and over I read about people with addictions who start to improve when they have no other choice. I think you know if you help her out this won't be the last time you are put into this situation. The simple fact that she thinks getting another job is a joke sort of verifies that she still doesn't take her problems seriously….but other people are supposed to?
I am sorry that you are in this situation, I know it feels disloyal even though that is not the case. I am sure others will be along soon, there is a lot of wisdom here, I hope you stick around.
It took me a long time to say enough. But I realized that no matter how much I did it was never enough. Even though I look at other friends who have always had their parents to lean on and I can see what I have never had..it still feels disloyal sometimes. Remember this is very old and very deep. My mother never had appropriate boundaries either….I too moved away and never went back.
It doesn't sound like you mother has ever had real consequences to her addiction. While it is not pleasant to watch anyone suffer, someone who has had opportunities to better themselves and not take responsibility for their own lives spends a lot of time working over other people versus owning their issues. It sounds like you already know the answer, you mom has been to rehab twice, so does she. I read a lot on the family and friends forums because I am the daughter of an alcoholic as well as someone who is newly recovering. Over and over I read about people with addictions who start to improve when they have no other choice. I think you know if you help her out this won't be the last time you are put into this situation. The simple fact that she thinks getting another job is a joke sort of verifies that she still doesn't take her problems seriously….but other people are supposed to?
I am sorry that you are in this situation, I know it feels disloyal even though that is not the case. I am sure others will be along soon, there is a lot of wisdom here, I hope you stick around.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Hi Loving, I am so sorry you have found yourself in this situation but want to tell you that you are very perceptive and seem to have learned a lot abut enabling and allowing the addict to take care of themselves. Yes you do know the answer but I completely understand your feeling bad for you Mom. It is so hard watching your loved one suffer even if it is at their own hands. I'm glad you are strong enough and have the wisdom to know the difference between helping and enabling. You will be in my prayers tonight.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are wise enough to know that sending her money won't help her or change her, it will just be money badly spent.
It is hard to say no, but sometimes that is the best answer, the most loving answer and the only way to help them help themselves.
Keeping your mama in my prayers.
Hugs
It is hard to say no, but sometimes that is the best answer, the most loving answer and the only way to help them help themselves.
Keeping your mama in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3
thank you
I am so touched at how many of you have taken the time to red my lengthy post, and give such heart-warming support. It means the world to me, and is giving me the strength I need to say no. Thank you so much. You all understand me better than my friends and family <3
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