Lily1918

Hey everyone. I just got home from church and I realized that I haven't posted on this side in a long time.

As of right now, my AH is sober. He has sentencing on Tuesday, and we will see what the judge says. I wrote a letter stating that I do believe treatment is a good option for him. His probation officer is asking for the same.

I am struggling with his mom and grandma. They have no hope in his recovery. The 3 of us all are his biggest enablers. His mom said to me "D will never be sober. He has no willingness to get well. How can you sit here and have any hope." I just nodded and said "I'm sorry you feel that way.My hope is in God. Everything will be ok regardless of what D chooses. "

He has access to drugs right now, yet he is choosing not to use. Hmmm... I'm not sure what the point of this thread is. Maybe I'm just venting. It has to count for something that he has always gone to treatment. I know plenty of people who flat out refuse. He could have ran. He could have lied. Mom is mad that he denied her visit last week, as all inmates have a right to do. She showed me the letter that he wrote her and my heart broke a little for them both:

"Mom, I love you. I hope you know that. Recovery is all about changing people places and things. I know that you have not yet forgiven me for all of the pain that my addiction has caused you. I'm sorry that I refused the visit. I just think we need more time. I am the one who put myself in this place. I will have to be the one to get myself out. I simply couldn't sit there and listen to you tell me how to manage a recovery that you yourself do not even believe I want. I am 26 years old now. I'm not a baby. Please... stop putting money on my books. Why don't you use that money for you and dad instead. You have spent all of this time and money on me and neglected my dad and your marriage. I'm sorry, but I will not be the reason that the two of you fall apart, and I will not be the scapegoat either.
Mom I love you so much. I want the best for you. Have you tried going to meetings yet? Al anon is a good place to start. Mom, this isn't your fault. This isn't your life. I'm a big boy. These are my decisions. This is my consequence. I will always be your son and have the most respect for you, but I simply cannot add you to my visitors list until you seek recovery for yourself."

Needless to say she is pissed. There's nothing wrong with her. She's not codependent at all. I told her oh mom... I got the same letter. I think its right and fair to leave him alone. We all need to really focus on ourselves. (Sigh) so I guess I'm the bad guy too. Apperently I don't love him because I don't visit. Whatever.

I swear she is more sick than the two of us combined. She hates not being needed. She hates not being in control. She drives me crazy. She blows up my phone and shows up at my house randomly. I think I need to go No Contact as well... for my own sanity and well being.

Upsetnneedhelp

Lilly, it's good that he is still staying sober inside. Thank you for pointing out that he still has the opportunity to use drugs while incarcerated. Many people do not realize how lawless and harsh the prison system is. Some folks may say that it is a consequence of using. Of course, it is but the punishment should not be designed to inflict permanent damage.

tootsieroll24

Many people who have a loved one in prison or jail assume they're not using. But inmates can easily gets drugs through their own illegal system. It's good that he is sober while in there. I hope all works out! My AH is in denial at this point that he's even relapsing... If he could just ADMIT it, we could start recovery...

Lotusangel

Lily,

I actually think, he is trying to be compassionate to his mom and relieve her of the stress of taking the responsibility for his actions. Maybe it is sinking in. I am the mother of a 23 year old AS. I know he loves me very much, and I am slowly learning to detach with love and still be there for him. It is hard for them to hear from us how to manage their recovery if we are not actually the ones going through that. I know it is a point of contention in our conversations, so I try to focus on the positive steps he has made. My son did go to jail for about a year, out for a few months and then to prison for another year. It was the hardest thing I ever went through. I did tell my son that if he ever went back to prison, it would be too hard for me to go through that and would have to go minimal contact. On the positive side, he was clean that whole time. Unfortunately, there's not enough programs inside and if you get classified a certain way, you get nothing. My AS managed to stay clean for almost a year after prison and relapsed earlier this year. I got him into IOP which he completed. It's been a struggle for the last few months but I am trying to back off and let him be responsible for his sobriety. It's been 1 1/2 years since he got out. I am thankful for every day I have with him.

lizwig

Hi Lily. My son began telling me to seek help for myself about 2 years before I actually did. He knew I was making myself crazy trying to change him. I really, really wish I had listened to him. Attending meetings and seeking support for myself has allowed me to regain myself. I feel like that is what al anon and nar anon offer to us....the recovery of self. Many of us have completely put everything else aside, our needs, our hobbies, our friendships and most intimate relationship because we're simply too spent from dealing with our addicts. I think D is encouraging his mom and perhaps even recognizes her enabling truly isn't helping either of them. I hope she can put her ego aside and just try a meeting. She has nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

Txhelp

I see his letter as a positive step.

Lily1918

Oh wow! Thanks for the replies and support! Speaking of mom... she showed up at my house again this evening and wanted to "hang out" I don't understand why she didn't call first. I went to dinner with her. I just couldn't close the door on her.

She spent the wole time talking about D and I'm exahsted. She complained that her husband and her got in a fight today he says not to mention D in his pressence anymore. She went on and on and on about what rehab he should go to... what step is he on... on and on and on.... not once did she ask me about work or the kids or anything. I tried to change the subject a few times but she kept going right back to D... wondering if he's sober, wondering if he is staying out of trouble etc. I said "well mom, if he was in trouble then they would throw him in the hole, trust me... using looks like using. We will know" she asked me why I don't care about my husband. Don't I want what's best for him? Don't I want him to be in recovery? I said "mom, do you and dad share toothbrushes? Or razors?" She laughed of course not, that's different.

Ugh.... poor mom. She's got herself so wound up and I don't know what to do. I guess I should accept her the way she is. I love her. She is such a good person and really wants "the best" I think its wrong of me to try to change her. I need to accept that she is addicted to D and that this sudden loss of control is very difficult for her. She went from managing his finances, seeing him every day, paying all of his bills to nothing. Cold turkey. I think from our conversation that she is not confident in his love for her. Its like she needs to be needed in our lives because she is insecure that if we don't need her then we won't want her.

We do want her. She is an awesome mom. I want her to be confident in that. I don't know how to help. She doesn't want to go to meetings. My heart goes out to her because I know how she feels. I remember when D went to rehab for the first time I thought things like:
"What if he gets sober and realizes he can do better than me?"
"What if he can't keep me in his life? What if I am bad for his recovery?"

She doesn't want to lose her son. She told me she is jealous that he calls me once a week and never calls her... that must be painful. I told her I don't answer... I can't afford to... she said its not me... its the principle that he calls me and not her...

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a jealous ex, not his mom. Is that weird?

Anyways... thanks for letting me vent.

jjj111

Lily, do you ever feel like you two are competing to be the more positive force in his life, or for his love? It sounds like you've gotten a little emotional distance from that dynamic, and her maybe not so much. I liked your reply about the razors. I hope you will find boundaries with her that work for you!

Lily1918

Well, when D and I were using together we were joined at the hip and I most deffinately was not a positive person in his life. I feel like I have stepped away. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I want him to have a strong recovery and a good, sober life, even if that means I cant really be in it right now. Those are my consequences of using. I lost my husband and it hurts very much. We aren't getting a divorce, I havent thrown in the towel on our marriage, but I've taken a lot of space. I write him a letter once a week and that's it. It is usually about 2 pages.

She doesn't know that I'm an addict. I just can't bring myself to tell her. It would open up pandoras box and I don't want her to try to manage my recovery too.

She wants me to be more involved in his life. She feels like I am neglecting my marriage. She thinks that I need to visit him, and is upset that I won't. She doesn't like my hands off approach. She found out, I don't know how, that D and I have discussed living arrangements after prison. He hasn't decided. He might go back to inpatient at the Salvation Army or Teen Challenge. He might go to sober living. She is livid about this. She wants me to let him come straight home and wanted to know why I am encouraging some type of transition. "Husbands and wives don't live apart," she says "I can't believe you aren't contributing to your marriage. Why are you encouraging a halfway house!? don't you want him to come home?"

Gahhh!!! Of course I do!! More than anything!!! I love him so much. I can't even imagine being with anyone else! But addiction doesn't work that way. I told her that he doesn't have any friends, and I think it would be good for him to make some new guy friends to go play basketball with and do guy stuff. Ya know, other boys who are in recovery. I have girlfriends to go to the mall with.

She says he can find those friends at church. Not a sober house. I said that there is accountability at the sober house because they drug test him. She told me that I can drug test him. Then it was my turn to get offended. I said no way I will never ever drug test D. Oh well she always tested him... I looked her square in the face and wanted to make her as angry as she was making me so I said "Im his wife, not his mother. Its my job to take care of him in the bedroom not the bathroom." Haha Ugh.... and that was the end of dinner. It was rude and mean of me but I was angry.

I'm venting still. She thinks I don't love him and that I'm neglecting him. Her and her husband havent spent more than a week apart in 30 years. They dont have separate friends. They do everything together. D and I joke that his dad hasnt wiped his own butt since before they got married.

She is seeing problems that don't exist. I feel like instead of letting D live his own life, she wants me to manage it. Before he was locked up she just showed up at our appartment and he was doing his laundry and the next day she came and actually yelled at me. As Ds wife I guess his laundry is my job. What!?!?! He didnt even know how to do it. I had to teach him.

I was so upset after dinner that I did answer his phone call tonight. Usually I dont, but I thought maybe he did feel neglected. She made me feel insecure about whether or not my husband feels loved. It does not cost money for him to call, it costs money for me to answer, so he calls so that I can see the number on the caller ID and know that he is safe/alive/ not in the hole etc.

He says not at all! He told me "look boo, don't they tell us not to be in romantic relationships for the first year of recovery? I know you love me, but I'm concerned cuz I know you relapsed on Christmas. I want you to keep going to IOP, take care of the kids and please... just focus on God and recovery. I'm not gunna file for divorce. Everything is ok. Mom is upset because jail changed everything. She's mad cuz she feels abandoned by me and is taking it out on you. I will call her and tell her to stop showing up at your house if she wants to be in our lives."

He also told me that she is driving by my house and showing up randomly to see if she catches me cheating. Ugh :,(

So this is how I made D feel when I would blow up his phone and show up at the dope house and drag him home. I feel like this is my karma for all those times back in 2012 when I was sober and he would disappear out using and I would go on one of my codie binges. I would show up, bang on the door, blow up his phone... and always with the best intentions too.

I want to thank everyone for your support. I know that this is just a tough time between my MIL and I. I cannot imagine her pain. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I really do love her. I don't really have a mom of my own. I feel guilty enforcing boundaries because its not like she is a drug addict ya know? I don't know what healthy boundaries should be for her. Certainly she shouldn't be involved in the way my husband and I run our marriage... right? Is it really her business if we are living together or not? Or how often we talk to each other?

I was always taught to honor and respect my parents. I want to... I just don't know how.

Ugh!!! This is what I get for marrying a mammas boy

Txhelp

You can respect your parents while maintaining healthy boundaries.

This is important for your recovery.

Ann

I wear a pendant that has these words on it..."Hope, Believe, Rejoice".

Hope is the candle of faith that all will be well, no matter how it unfolds.

It is good he is clean, it is good he is thinking about his life right now and hopefully this will be the beginning of a new life and better path for him. Jail can be a strangely wrapped gift sometimes and I hope this is how it is for both of you.

Take life one day at a time, do what is right for you, and you too will find a gift in all this.

Hugs

needingabreak

Lily, It sounds like he is taking a good, hard look at his life and trying to do what is best not only for himself but everyone else. He sees that his mom is much too involved in his life and has made him her obsession. I know it well as I too, at first, did this after finding out my son was an addict. I am guessing she has tried to control him and the way he lives his life for some time now. She has to learn on her own how to let go and focus on herself and her life. I think his letter was written in love and compassion. he is owning his stuff. No one can control how she takes it. Think he is wise to cut contact for awhile so he can focus on himself. She sounds like a lot of work and also very draining.
You cannot control what she thinks or does but you can do whatever you feel is best for you and your marriage. If she does not agree nor like it it is too bad and she will have to learn to live with your choices. It is not her life nor her decision.
I learned I had to stop living my life for other people and always doing what they wanted. I am a much happier person for it. I think it is great you see her positive points. She has to find her own recovery as do you and your husband. I wish you luck in dealing with all the dynamics you have going on. At some point you may need to tell her what goes on in your marriage and your husband's choice of where to go after jail is HIS business and not hers. She is not doing what is best for him by trying to control what he does and where he goes.

I hope he continues to seek recovery and not listen to anyone else tell him what he needs to do. I applaud his hard work as it cannot be easy.

hopeful4

Lily...for your own sanity you are going to have to let his mom know it is time to let him do his healing and you yours. You cannot fix him and you know this. She does not. It sounds like everyone else it telling her this so she is coming to you to try to work it out in her head...with you. It will drive you nuts!

Hugs.

Lily1918

Thanks again everyone for your support.

I know there are a lot of moms here, and I was hoping you all could give me some insight into what it is like to be her. This is all so hard. She has called me at least 10 times today and she came and rang the doorbell I haven't answered and didn't answer the door either. She yelled "I know you're in there!!!" The poor thing. She must be going crazy but she is driving me crazy too.

I have considered getting a restraining order but I want to avoid that if at all possible. I am not exactly sure what she wanted to talk about, but it must have been important for her to drive all the way down here from her house. Its like a 20 min drive.

D called again and I answered the phone. He told me he talked to her and asked her to leave me alone. He told her that I am very upset about his incarceration and that I need some space and time away from the family to heal. So she reacts to him telling her that by showing up at my house and harassing me by calling my phone non stop!?!?! Ugh... I really don't want to shut her out but I need time away. I'm mad at her. Her codepenency is literally driving me insane.

Ds courtdate is tomorrow and I will find out how long he will be incarcerated for. I don't think she will act up in the courtroom. God, I hope not. After tomorrow, I think I am going to change my phone number, and go no contact for a long time from her. I was reading an old thread on here about starvng the vampire. I think she might have Narcissistic personality disorder. I spent a lot of time reading about it and she seems to fit the bill. The website I was on was saying that people with this disorder very rarely ever find recovery because they don't understand that there is anything wrong with them.

She has all of the best intentions. She wants what's best for her son. She is trying to teach me how to be a "good" wife.

I just want her to go away.

lizwig

Hi Lily, I can tell you that being the parent of an addict is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. Your mother in law is looking for her fix. It's really as simple as that. At my worst, if I couldn't get in touch with my son I would "fashion" a reason to reach out to his girlfriend just to get a status check on where he was at mentally. I was as addicted to knowing he was alright as he is to his drugs. Often I would not get the satisfaction I was seeking but it didn't matter. I had scratched that itch. I knew he was alive and I could go on another day. It wasn't until things got really, REALLY bad and I began having very dark thoughts that I knew it was time to save myself. I recognized he didn't want saving....by me or anyone else. Out of a shear fight for life I laid down my end of the rope. Your MIL has not reached that spot. In my opinion the more she doesn't get the answers/fix she needs her behavior will continue to escalate. You are her connection to him. She can't reach him so you're the next in line. She's looking to you to relieve her itch now. I never drove to anyone's house, to be honest I don't think I drove anyone crazy (the x-girlfriends both still stay in touch and we rarely talk about my son)...BUT....there was a REASON I was setting the stage. I wanted/needed information and would have gone to any means to get it. I think it is probably as compulsive as addiction. As a mother, it goes against everything that feels natural. I can guarantee no mothers on this site want to have to hide their purses, or lock up their valuables. I think we all would love to have a healthy adult relationship with our children but unfortunately for many of us that isn't in the cards (yet, hopefully!). Detaching with love is what I can manage. I no longer want to enable my son, I no longer want to know his every move, I no longer want to be sick to my stomach dreading the phone call I know is coming, and I certainly don't want to be running around trying to rescue him from the chaos of his chosen situation. I choose to live. I've reclaimed MY life and if he chooses recovery, he will own every little bit of it.

Just as many of us have had to put boundaries in place regarding our addicted love ones you may need to do the same with her. You can say it gently but explain that to keep rehashing the same conversations helps no one. You don't want to play messenger and you understand how badly she is hurting but neither of you have the power to fix this for him. There are a couple of good al-anon type books you could get for her as a gift. Whether she reads them is of course up to her. The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie which is a daily reader. One Day at a Time or Courage to Change (both al-anon). I'm sorry you've got this additional stress but I'm guessing once you speak clearly and directly with her it will settle down. State your boundaries and make it very clear you love her and understand where her behavior is coming from. Locking your door and hiding out just prolongs the agony. For both of you. Hang in there.

sojourner

Hi Lily: It sounds to me like AH is in a good mental spot and is prepared to embrace recovery.

I know you say his mother is not a codependent, but from the way she is reacting it seems like she is an emotional codependent who has entered into the cycle of AHs addiction by being victim or savior or whatever other role needs to be played in order for addiction to continue.

Keep coming back!

KeepinItReal

Lilly - it sounds like she is obsessive. I think you would know her best and she very well may never change.

Keeping her around will definitely be a trigger for stress. I know living with my own mom .... I was unable to live freely. My mind was always trapped in some sort of crazy wharp hole of nonsense and unnecessary stress. Not that she creates it on purpose.. yet it's always created. I'm still healing from all the "drama" and blame I dealt with as a child. Realizing that my inner child voice is louder than I have wanted to admit.
Healing takes realizing things. Maybe the ability to change those thoughts.
For me personally it was a lot of pain, blame and surrendering that I didn't cause my parents to fight. A lot of negative self talk that was inwards that needs to be changed.
That takes time alone and a stress free environment to start to think about "what am I really thinking". Sometimes we don't realize we are talking to ourselves... and to be kind to ourselves.
Your MIL sounds like she is in hyper drive.. blaming herself... and maybe feeling as though her son is blaming her or cutting her out of his life. She's probably afraid of losing him. I would see if she wants to sit and talk with you and a therapist. Like a group session for you and her... and if she's willing to do that??? I would also make her pay for it. Tell her it's because you want to be her friend and good daughter in law... and that it would help YOU.. or whatever you have to say.
GOod luck working this dynamic out. Sounds complicated... and a lot of work.