Im upset because of HIM
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Please try to remember Im not you or anyone else, Im me
I find if I feel compelled to give unsolicited advice or to "tell" instead of share what helped me, it's usually about me, not about the poster and I should step away from the thread without comment.
I hope you have a peaceful weekend!
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by YearForMe 
There is a NEW forum that is non-12 step.
I think a secular forum for F&F is a GREAT addition.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Here's a link...
NEW! Secular Conections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I do believe Morning Glory started a thread last week introducing it.
NEW! Secular Conections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I do believe Morning Glory started a thread last week introducing it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
I have been wondering for awhile now.....
Why some on this forum have been resistant to 12 step....almost tiptoeing on the edge of bashing it. I nosed around on the main forum page and noticed that it clearly states we are a 12 step forum.
Thought I saw that a looooong time ago....but with the NEW forum that is NON 12 step...perhaps that was added to the F&F description...but I don't think so.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for anything that works.
12 Step worked for me, and that is where my ES&H comes from.
Recovery works if you work it....in whatever form is best suited for you.
Why some on this forum have been resistant to 12 step....almost tiptoeing on the edge of bashing it. I nosed around on the main forum page and noticed that it clearly states we are a 12 step forum.
Thought I saw that a looooong time ago....but with the NEW forum that is NON 12 step...perhaps that was added to the F&F description...but I don't think so.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for anything that works.
12 Step worked for me, and that is where my ES&H comes from.
Recovery works if you work it....in whatever form is best suited for you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
I don't believe that any website can be all things to all people. This site does a damned good job or trying to accommodate everyone. There are always going to be those who won't be satisfied regardless, so I'm thinking the phrase "take what you need and leave the rest" is a pretty good one.
If you can't find something here that works for you, then all I can say is, we tried. Keep looking and hopefully, you'll find something you like somewhere.
If you can't find something here that works for you, then all I can say is, we tried. Keep looking and hopefully, you'll find something you like somewhere.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by YearForMe
I have been wondering for awhile now.....
the main forum page and noticed that it clearly states we are a 12 step forum.
the main forum page and noticed that it clearly states we are a 12 step forum.
For some reason the format of the Family forums are not consistent with ALL the others forums here on SR.
So many people come here with no program and just have questions or want to talk… but we have no defined open forum.
This one as I have been told is an open forum, but its not described in writing as such, so its a bit confusing.
I personally have used private therapy and believe in proven evidence based approaches in dealing with addiction. It can actually be combined with any family program.
When I read Blue's thread; it appears to me she is trying to explore her options… at her speed... seems like a good idea to me... guess Im missing something.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thank you for starting a new secular forum for F&F.....I hope that it provides an option to those who are not open (or vehemently opposed) to 12 step based programs. I have use many outlets for my own recovery.....private therapy, family therapy, yoga, art, extensive reading, exercise (and now Spanish classes....lol) but there's no doubt that working 12 little steps was where I learned the most.....about me.
I hope the new secular forum does well and opens another option for those folks who want to discuss addiction without the fear of being lambasted by 12 step suggestions.
And for those who were wondering......there is an entire portion of the recovery forums that are dedicated to secular recovery.......and they have been there for a very long time.
gentle hugs
ke
I hope the new secular forum does well and opens another option for those folks who want to discuss addiction without the fear of being lambasted by 12 step suggestions.
And for those who were wondering......there is an entire portion of the recovery forums that are dedicated to secular recovery.......and they have been there for a very long time.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I agree that the new forum is a great idea. It will hopefully eliminate the posts that seem to bash 12 step programs. Although, I am not currently using a 12 step program and have found working with my therapist to be helping, I certainly would never be so arrogant to bash anyone else's program. Some day soon, I hope to return to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to work the 12 steps specifically because I have seen how it has helped so many others through their sharings/posts. I am truly thankful and inspired.
Hint: I at least now know to stay away from posters who consistently use I think, I feel statements to try to tell me what they think is good for me......no matter how subtle it is. It's not support, it's codependency at its finest.
Hint: I at least now know to stay away from posters who consistently use I think, I feel statements to try to tell me what they think is good for me......no matter how subtle it is. It's not support, it's codependency at its finest.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
This conversation about how to share is very interesting to me, even though maybe it is a little OT from BC's thread. I feel torn here--on the one hand, I understand that giving other posters suggestions about how they should move forward can blur into codependency, making the original poster feel resentful and like their judgment and ability to choose their own path is being questioned. On the other hand, I have often posted here at moments when I felt genuinely at a loss as to what to do, and I have really appreciated others' suggestions. Sure, posters don't always agree about what is best, but then that seems to be the beauty of "take what you need and leave the rest" motto. Ultimately, every poster has their own life to lead and certainly no one is required to take every piece of advice offered! As far as "I think" and "I feel" statements, sometimes I think (haha) that these phrases are useful to say, just because it shows that the poster is owning the fact that they are only offering their own perspective. I find "you should" statements a little more off-putting, but that's just me, and I'm sure I've slipped into a commanding voice myself at times! Anyway, I guess in the end that I see the variety of opinions offered to posters here as a blessing. This site has helped me so much! So, thanks to all of you!
I feel torn here--on the one hand, I understand that giving other posters suggestions about how they should move forward can blur into codependency, making the original poster feel resentful and like their judgment and ability to choose their own path is being questioned. On the other hand, I have often posted here at moments when I felt genuinely at a loss as to what to do, and I have really appreciated others' suggestions. Sure, posters don't always agree about what is best, but then that seems to be the beauty of "take what you need and leave the rest" motto. Ultimately, every poster has their own life to lead and certainly no one is required to take every piece of advice offered! As far as "I think" and "I feel" statements, sometimes I think (haha) that these phrases are useful to say, just because it shows that the poster is owning the fact that they are only offering their own perspective. I find "you should" statements a little more off-putting, but that's just me, and I'm sure I've slipped into a commanding voice myself at times! Anyway, I guess in the end that I see the variety of opinions offered to posters here as a blessing. This site has helped me so much! So, thanks to all of you!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
BC,
I've generally stayed clear of this thread for a number of reasons. One of them is I really don't feel it's my place to pipe up about how to deal with the situation you find yourself in with your husband. After all, in my situation, I only had to deal with an addict girlfriend, and that's far easier than dealing with an addict spouse.
But as I skimmed through your posts, one word came to mind: claustrophobic. Case in point:
And as I read this, I asked myself what does this have to do with you.
And then this:
So how do you plan on holding him accountable? If you hold him accountable, does that mean he's going to behave the way you want him to? And let's be clear: if he's even touching alcohol, he's not in recovery.
Look, BC, ultimately it's your life, it's your marriage, and whatever decisions you make you'll have to take ownership of. But as an observer, I ask myself where is the daylight between you and your husband. And I don't see any.
Your primary concern, from my vantage point, is the preservation of your marriage. And I hope your marriage does survive. I really, really do. But from my vantage point, you're not doing enough to take care of you. There has to be a point where your marriage "ends", and you "begin". Where is that line? Have you ever thought about that?
Anyways, this will be my final contribution to this thread. As much as I would like you to consider what I have shared with you, I'm also a firm believer of people choosing their own path. Because that's how we all learn. The path I chose led me to SR two years ago. And the path I've chosen since then has worked out pretty well for me. My hope is whatever you decide, you are happy, you are safe, and you are well.
ZoSo
I've generally stayed clear of this thread for a number of reasons. One of them is I really don't feel it's my place to pipe up about how to deal with the situation you find yourself in with your husband. After all, in my situation, I only had to deal with an addict girlfriend, and that's far easier than dealing with an addict spouse.
But as I skimmed through your posts, one word came to mind: claustrophobic. Case in point:
He just isnt handling anything stressful very good right now. I mean last week I think there was 3 times he got upset because he couldn’t find the lid for the water bottle. A lid for a waterbottle. And he was searching the kitchen for it, and once we retraced his steps and found it under the newspaper he had been reading. We talked about why he was worried about the lid, its only water and a lid, and he doesn’t know. I don’t even know how he is going to stay focused at his work and its scary for both of us.
And then this:
and I promise to hold him accountable if I see any signs he is abusing alcohol or self medicating
Look, BC, ultimately it's your life, it's your marriage, and whatever decisions you make you'll have to take ownership of. But as an observer, I ask myself where is the daylight between you and your husband. And I don't see any.
Your primary concern, from my vantage point, is the preservation of your marriage. And I hope your marriage does survive. I really, really do. But from my vantage point, you're not doing enough to take care of you. There has to be a point where your marriage "ends", and you "begin". Where is that line? Have you ever thought about that?
Anyways, this will be my final contribution to this thread. As much as I would like you to consider what I have shared with you, I'm also a firm believer of people choosing their own path. Because that's how we all learn. The path I chose led me to SR two years ago. And the path I've chosen since then has worked out pretty well for me. My hope is whatever you decide, you are happy, you are safe, and you are well.
ZoSo
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
I'm really late joining here, but man do I agree with Anvilhead11.
That was the voice of experience speaking.
As much as we hate to admit it there is something very familiar about his current behavior of "chasing" you away.
Keep the faith!
Hugs, Devastated
That was the voice of experience speaking.
As much as we hate to admit it there is something very familiar about his current behavior of "chasing" you away.
Keep the faith!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
BC I support you no matter what is going on. We all have different opinions. To me, as long as one gets help who cares where it comes from. What works for some may not work for the next. All programs are made up of human people. Those people are going to differ from group to group. In my opinion, it is all about finding a group you can open up to and gain support from and give support to. While that may be at CR for me where I live, it may be at Alanon where you live, or at therapy only for someone else.
No one can tell another they will fail.I am not sure I heard anyone say that, and admittedly being lazy I have not went back and read through all the posts. We all have to hold ourselves accountable and decide where we want to go with our own boundaries and what we want. That does not come overnight. For me it has taken years and years and is still a work in progress.
So I guess I am saying to every one of us here, I support you. I hope you support me. That is what we are here for. I am here to gain insight and emoational support from others. I hope in some small way I can pay that forward here.
Blue, I thank you for being open and honest about your situation and for sharing all you have shared about your life on this forum. I hope everyone has a blessed day!
No one can tell another they will fail.I am not sure I heard anyone say that, and admittedly being lazy I have not went back and read through all the posts. We all have to hold ourselves accountable and decide where we want to go with our own boundaries and what we want. That does not come overnight. For me it has taken years and years and is still a work in progress.
So I guess I am saying to every one of us here, I support you. I hope you support me. That is what we are here for. I am here to gain insight and emoational support from others. I hope in some small way I can pay that forward here.
Blue, I thank you for being open and honest about your situation and for sharing all you have shared about your life on this forum. I hope everyone has a blessed day!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I remember you Zoso your the guitar guy. I remember that because we have a friend who's a musician and also has a big collection of guitars. A whole bunch of Fender Telecaster customs, Gibson Les Paul, customs, old starburst's, I dont know them all, I like the amazing colors.
Thank you for asking where I am, and I was thinking about the way you phrased it and explained about your girlfriend.
Its hard for me to explain, I read and I think some people feel like they have set themselves aside and focused only on the addict, got lost from themselves. But I also know some people have dealt with this stuff for many years so its like we are at different places in time. I have always been happy with who I am, and I try to live by my own set of rules and self care. You can see Im not afraid to stand up for myself from reading this thread. My world was turned upside down starting the first time my husband failed to come home from work and couldnt be reached. My awareness of his addiction came at the tail end of his binge. I feel like Ive been spun all around, and things I thought were solid in my life suddenly became unstable like my marriage, and even faith in God. All Ive been doing is my best to cope with what has happened. I feel strong sometimes, and weak other times. Im learning, questioning things and seeking answers for myself.
I do have a lot of shares with my husband, I mean we married and have shared dreams for many things we want out of life. But I hold myself to my own beliefs, and he is responsible for holding himself to his.
You questioned why it would concern me that he is having a hard time at work? Because his job has certain skills and if he cant do those then it could end his job, his income, and both those things will affect me, the goals we have for the future.
You asked how will I hold him accountable for his actions. I will be honest with him, and share my feelings, let him know how his choices are impacting me, and if we are still working together in our family sessions then it will be a topic of discussion. I already know the choices he makes are his own, but I do believe when your in a healthy relationship you share, and provide feedback to one another.
I feel like Im doing a lot of things right for myself. Counseling, listening to others, reading a lot including some spiritual books recommended by Celebrate Recovery, refocusing back on my work, also health issues like I posted about in the new secular family forum, making more time for my friends, I have good relationships with my family, Im trying to relieve stress through exercise, and I like to do different crafts, or work on the house so and those things make me feel creative and happy, and also give me a sense of accomplishment when I complete something. We have pets and they keep me busy playing with them and will smother me with kisses whenever Im feeling down.
I am here, still bruised, scared sometimes, confused often, but feeling love in my heart again as well as hope for myself. Im walking recovery road like everyone else here. Your welcome to walk with me and keep sharing Zoso, talk guitar or whatever.
Thank you for asking where I am, and I was thinking about the way you phrased it and explained about your girlfriend.
Its hard for me to explain, I read and I think some people feel like they have set themselves aside and focused only on the addict, got lost from themselves. But I also know some people have dealt with this stuff for many years so its like we are at different places in time. I have always been happy with who I am, and I try to live by my own set of rules and self care. You can see Im not afraid to stand up for myself from reading this thread. My world was turned upside down starting the first time my husband failed to come home from work and couldnt be reached. My awareness of his addiction came at the tail end of his binge. I feel like Ive been spun all around, and things I thought were solid in my life suddenly became unstable like my marriage, and even faith in God. All Ive been doing is my best to cope with what has happened. I feel strong sometimes, and weak other times. Im learning, questioning things and seeking answers for myself.
I do have a lot of shares with my husband, I mean we married and have shared dreams for many things we want out of life. But I hold myself to my own beliefs, and he is responsible for holding himself to his.
You questioned why it would concern me that he is having a hard time at work? Because his job has certain skills and if he cant do those then it could end his job, his income, and both those things will affect me, the goals we have for the future.
You asked how will I hold him accountable for his actions. I will be honest with him, and share my feelings, let him know how his choices are impacting me, and if we are still working together in our family sessions then it will be a topic of discussion. I already know the choices he makes are his own, but I do believe when your in a healthy relationship you share, and provide feedback to one another.
I feel like Im doing a lot of things right for myself. Counseling, listening to others, reading a lot including some spiritual books recommended by Celebrate Recovery, refocusing back on my work, also health issues like I posted about in the new secular family forum, making more time for my friends, I have good relationships with my family, Im trying to relieve stress through exercise, and I like to do different crafts, or work on the house so and those things make me feel creative and happy, and also give me a sense of accomplishment when I complete something. We have pets and they keep me busy playing with them and will smother me with kisses whenever Im feeling down.
I am here, still bruised, scared sometimes, confused often, but feeling love in my heart again as well as hope for myself. Im walking recovery road like everyone else here. Your welcome to walk with me and keep sharing Zoso, talk guitar or whatever.
Originally Posted by zoso77
BC,
I've generally stayed clear of this thread for a number of reasons. One of them is I really don't feel it's my place to pipe up about how to deal with the situation you find yourself in with your husband. After all, in my situation, I only had to deal with an addict girlfriend, and that's far easier than dealing with an addict spouse.
But as I skimmed through your posts, one word came to mind: claustrophobic. Case in point:
And as I read this, I asked myself what does this have to do with you.
And then this:
So how do you plan on holding him accountable? If you hold him accountable, does that mean he's going to behave the way you want him to? And let's be clear: if he's even touching alcohol, he's not in recovery.
Look, BC, ultimately it's your life, it's your marriage, and whatever decisions you make you'll have to take ownership of. But as an observer, I ask myself where is the daylight between you and your husband. And I don't see any.
Your primary concern, from my vantage point, is the preservation of your marriage. And I hope your marriage does survive. I really, really do. But from my vantage point, you're not doing enough to take care of you. There has to be a point where your marriage "ends", and you "begin". Where is that line? Have you ever thought about that?
Anyways, this will be my final contribution to this thread. As much as I would like you to consider what I have shared with you, I'm also a firm believer of people choosing their own path. Because that's how we all learn. The path I chose led me to SR two years ago. And the path I've chosen since then has worked out pretty well for me. My hope is whatever you decide, you are happy, you are safe, and you are well.
ZoSo
I've generally stayed clear of this thread for a number of reasons. One of them is I really don't feel it's my place to pipe up about how to deal with the situation you find yourself in with your husband. After all, in my situation, I only had to deal with an addict girlfriend, and that's far easier than dealing with an addict spouse.
But as I skimmed through your posts, one word came to mind: claustrophobic. Case in point:
And as I read this, I asked myself what does this have to do with you.
And then this:
So how do you plan on holding him accountable? If you hold him accountable, does that mean he's going to behave the way you want him to? And let's be clear: if he's even touching alcohol, he's not in recovery.
Look, BC, ultimately it's your life, it's your marriage, and whatever decisions you make you'll have to take ownership of. But as an observer, I ask myself where is the daylight between you and your husband. And I don't see any.
Your primary concern, from my vantage point, is the preservation of your marriage. And I hope your marriage does survive. I really, really do. But from my vantage point, you're not doing enough to take care of you. There has to be a point where your marriage "ends", and you "begin". Where is that line? Have you ever thought about that?
Anyways, this will be my final contribution to this thread. As much as I would like you to consider what I have shared with you, I'm also a firm believer of people choosing their own path. Because that's how we all learn. The path I chose led me to SR two years ago. And the path I've chosen since then has worked out pretty well for me. My hope is whatever you decide, you are happy, you are safe, and you are well.
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Can I give you the biggest Cyber Hug EVER !!(((((****Hopeful4****)))))!!
Thank you
Thank you
Originally Posted by hopeful4
BC I support you no matter what is going on. We all have different opinions. To me, as long as one gets help who cares where it comes from. What works for some may not work for the next. All programs are made up of human people. Those people are going to differ from group to group. In my opinion, it is all about finding a group you can open up to and gain support from and give support to. While that may be at CR for me where I live, it may be at Alanon where you live, or at therapy only for someone else.
No one can tell another they will fail.I am not sure I heard anyone say that, and admittedly being lazy I have not went back and read through all the posts. We all have to hold ourselves accountable and decide where we want to go with our own boundaries and what we want. That does not come overnight. For me it has taken years and years and is still a work in progress.
So I guess I am saying to every one of us here, I support you. I hope you support me. That is what we are here for. I am here to gain insight and emoational support from others. I hope in some small way I can pay that forward here.
Blue, I thank you for being open and honest about your situation and for sharing all you have shared about your life on this forum. I hope everyone has a blessed day!
No one can tell another they will fail.I am not sure I heard anyone say that, and admittedly being lazy I have not went back and read through all the posts. We all have to hold ourselves accountable and decide where we want to go with our own boundaries and what we want. That does not come overnight. For me it has taken years and years and is still a work in progress.
So I guess I am saying to every one of us here, I support you. I hope you support me. That is what we are here for. I am here to gain insight and emoational support from others. I hope in some small way I can pay that forward here.
Blue, I thank you for being open and honest about your situation and for sharing all you have shared about your life on this forum. I hope everyone has a blessed day!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
BlueChair,
Feel free to PM me anytime. I won't necessarliy get back to you right away, but I will get back to you.
PS -- '91 Gibson Les Paul Studio, '94 Ibanez S540, '02 Gibson EDS-1275 (doubleneck), '09 Jackson PC1, '11 Jackson SLH2, '11 Gibson Les Paul 1959 Reissue, '12 Jackson Custom Shop SLH2-V, '14 Jackson Custom Shop Soloist (on order), '14 Fender Masterbuilt 1969 Pink Paisley Telecaster (on order)...
Plus two Alvarez acoustics (6 and 12 string) and a Guild classical.
Best,
ZoSo
Feel free to PM me anytime. I won't necessarliy get back to you right away, but I will get back to you.
PS -- '91 Gibson Les Paul Studio, '94 Ibanez S540, '02 Gibson EDS-1275 (doubleneck), '09 Jackson PC1, '11 Jackson SLH2, '11 Gibson Les Paul 1959 Reissue, '12 Jackson Custom Shop SLH2-V, '14 Jackson Custom Shop Soloist (on order), '14 Fender Masterbuilt 1969 Pink Paisley Telecaster (on order)...
Plus two Alvarez acoustics (6 and 12 string) and a Guild classical.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
My biggest physical problem right now is lack of sleep. I am not sleeping good because he is not sleeping good. The doctor said he now has full blown anxiety and emotionally he's having a hard time dealing with life including this new sober adviser who he has met with twice and been drug tested twice. I feel like unless he calms down soon he will snap. I have this thread if anyone wants to read it: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...miliation.html
I know my challenge is to learn to cope with what is going on around me, respond, but also keep peace in my heart.
I know my challenge is to learn to cope with what is going on around me, respond, but also keep peace in my heart.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
BC, there's not much experience I can share here with you. I just wanted say THANK YOU for letting so many people be part of your journey. It sure isn't an easy one, but I admire your strength and compassion and capacity to talk and think through the good and bad times here - I'm sure it helps many people.Wishing you and your husband all the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by BlueChair
My biggest physical problem right now is lack of sleep. I am not sleeping good because he is not sleeping good.
I had shoulder surgery a little over a year ago and my husband ended up sleeping in the guest room immediately. I had to sleep elevated and he constantly disturbed my sleep that first night. My elevated bed disturbed his sleep too. If I didn't sleep I wouldn't heal. If he didn't sleep he wouldn't recharge.
I'm convinced our sleeping arrangements played a big part in my exceptionally fast healing.
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