Losing the very few marbles i have left

Old 12-30-2013, 04:06 PM
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Losing the very few marbles i have left

I started posting on this site around Thanksgiving and I'm forever grateful for this group. It's helped in many ways.

A little background...my AH is addicted to cocaine and alcohol for the past 5 years. It makes my stomach turn to list how long this has been going on. We've been married 16 years and have 3 young kids. I moved out of the home 2 years ago in hopes that he would straighten out. Dur! I failed to detach and get better myself. :-/ During that time we lost our home, he was arrested 5 times and he developed a 9 month affair/relationship with a pot smoking mom of 4. All the while telling me he was getting better and taking me and the kids to look for rental homes. I was crushed beyond belief when i was informed of the affair by a close friend. Fast forward to this May he comes to my home crying and pleading to come back. I cave and allow him back in the home. He continues to drink but since I no longer allow drinking in the home he does it outside of the home. In June I discover he still has contact with his affair partner. I'm disgusted but try again. Around Oct I notice a shift...it's happening again, the drinking and drugging. If he's not drunk and high he's verbally and emotionally abusive. Around mid November I ask him to leave because I can't continue. He also attempted to start a physical fight with our 15 yo son. The fear that was on my sons face crushed me. We didn't spend Thanksgiving together and he didn't contact me or the kids to see how we were. A few days later he called. He lets me know that he still loves me and working on him. I realize he's on a binge.

At this time I make the decision to move out of my apt to stay with my mother 20 miles away. I didn't inform him since he was still doing his own thing.

Xmas day he calls me to try and spend some time together and I calmly confront him and tell him I found some empty vodka and fireball bottles in his truck and I was under the impression he was no longer drinking. He called me some names and hung up. Later texted he wants the divorce and he can't stand me and not to text him. I know he's seeing his affair partner again. I feel it and it hurts a lot.

I need to let go but this darn heart of mine can't seem to cut it off. I'm not contacting him but I'm literally going insane. I think of them and what a wonderful life they will have. It is the most heart wrenching thing I've gone through and I've been through some s%#*! I can't work, I cry, have panic and anxiety attacks and I'm basically falling apart. I don't know what to do and I'm considering going to my doctor to see if I can go out on disability for a while. I'm slowly but surely losing the tiny bit of strength I have.

My kids, friends, family and faith are all I got but I question my sanity at this point. This person is emotionally abusing me yet I can't let go. What do I do?
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Old 12-30-2013, 04:42 PM
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First thing to do is to come here more often, so that you can see the line of bs he is trying to hand you.

Second, remember the 3 C's.

Third, know that we love you here, and we are only looking after your best interest.

You may not like what we say at times, just know that we have all been where you are.

I thought I would die when my ex filed for a divorce after 27 years of marriage, then I thought I would die again when he moved in with his gf, who he was probably seeing while he was still married to me.

All those ?'s. Is he going to be better to her then he was to me. OK, maybe for a little while. He needs to get his hooks in first.

If I go back, will he stop calling me names, will he ever be nice to me?

What do you do? I don't know. I think I had to realize what hurt me the most was my own fantasized life. I had to let go and grieve the life that I thought that I would have. I had to accept the way he was now. It is a hard process, and there are many caring people here that will help you along the way.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Old 12-30-2013, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
First thing to do is to come here more often, so that you can see the line of bs he is trying to hand you.

Second, remember the 3 C's.

Third, know that we love you here, and we are only looking after your best interest.

You may not like what we say at times, just know that we have all been where you are.

I thought I would die when my ex filed for a divorce after 27 years of marriage, then I thought I would die again when he moved in with his gf, who he was probably seeing while he was still married to me.

All those ?'s. Is he going to be better to her then he was to me. OK, maybe for a little while. He needs to get his hooks in first.

If I go back, will he stop calling me names, will he ever be nice to me?

What do you do? I don't know. I think I had to realize what hurt me the most was my own fantasized life. I had to let go and grieve the life that I thought that I would have. I had to accept the way he was now. It is a hard process, and there are many caring people here that will help you along the way.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Thank u so much for the reply. When I first started getting on this forum I was completely lost but after reading many posts, I slowly started to realize the cycle and the techniques A's use. And more importantly the role that I continue to play in the cycle and that there is a way out.

The three C's...is it crazy if I write them down and post them somewhere, like my bathroom? Just as a daily reminder...hopefully it'll sink into my brain soon.

Thank you for the love...I'm open to to getting better, I don't know how ready I am but I know everyone will help guide me.

I agree, I do hurt myself with the fantasy of the perfect marriage, perfect home. I come from a dysfunctional family and I expressed my desire for a family with two parents in the home from the get go. He knew I wanted that more than anything else. I feel like I wake up to a mountain every single day and its overwhelming. I've just started this journey; I got a sponsor, I've had no contact with my AH and I will continue to see my therapist. I MUST let go...because as of this moment, I'm being dragged. Taking it one hour at a time. :-/

Thank you for your reply.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:11 PM
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Sometimes one hour at a time is all you can do and that's ok. Just a thought- if you get on disability from work will that give you to much free time to dwell on things. I know that's what I would do. I was at the point where I was having a hard time making it through work but I finally (somehow) remembered how hard I worked to get to where I was in my career. Being busy at work actually helped me a lot. Things are better in my life- not great as I feel as though I'm still on a roller coaster, but better. It's terrible that any of us has to experience this but stay strong and know that everyone here has your back. Hugs...
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Old 12-30-2013, 09:08 PM
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Our addicts are good at making us look and feel crazy.

We aren't....we are the only logical ones that are attempting to remedy a difficult situation. Problem is...it is not all up to us. They don't have logic...not an addict.

We look at their potential. What could be?

Focus on what is.....what are you facing and what can you do for you and your kids.

He gets to being charge of his recovery....good or bad. Bad isn't good for you.
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Old 12-30-2013, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Jd77 View Post
Sometimes one hour at a time is all you can do and that's ok. Just a thought- if you get on disability from work will that give you to much free time to dwell on things. I know that's what I would do. I was at the point where I was having a hard time making it through work but I finally (somehow) remembered how hard I worked to get to where I was in my career. Being busy at work actually helped me a lot. Things are better in my life- not great as I feel as though I'm still on a roller coaster, but better. It's terrible that any of us has to experience this but stay strong and know that everyone here has your back. Hugs...
I think about that. I should probably discuss it with my dr and therapist. I really feel like a zombie and incapable of facing the day at this point but having something to do throughout the day would be good for me.
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Old 12-30-2013, 10:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Txhelp View Post
Our addicts are good at making us look and feel crazy.

We aren't....we are the only logical ones that are attempting to remedy a difficult situation. Problem is...it is not all up to us. They don't have logic...not an addict.

We look at their potential. What could be?

This is the worst and what always keeps me coming back. But what will be, will be with or without me. Letting go of it and giving it to God will be the only way I'll be able to make it.

Focus on what is.....what are you facing and what can you do for you and your kids.

This sounds like a plan to me! I'm going to actually write this stuff down. Thx!

He gets to being charge of his recovery....good or bad. Bad isn't good for you.
Good or bad, I'm making a decision to walk away to gain my sanity. I'm no good right now to my loved ones.
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