Relapse --- Again. Do I stay or do I go now?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
One of the things I did to free myself was to stop lying for my AH or covering up for him in any way, shape, or form. My friends, his friends, our families, our children...they all know about his addiction. Why should I cover up for him? That is called enabling.
I usto tell my children the same thing you are. Guess what, now they are old enough to know better. It's harder now for me. They are mad that I covered up for him and mad that I have let it go this far, when really I was trying to protect them. It's ok, it is displaced anger and I am educated enough in addiction to realize that. I will get them help for this with a good counselor...and am getting help for me too in counseling and Celebrate Recovery.
I think one thing that also helped me was to read my own posts to other people and realize I have to apply these same thoughts to my own life. Walk the walk so to speak. If I look back at a situation and think you or someone else should get out for their own sanity...shouldn't I be doing the same??
You can only make your own decisions of course. Addicts are pros at manipulation. If he were so concerned about you and your daughter he would not be doing this in the first place. That is just my thoughts about your life and mine too!
I usto tell my children the same thing you are. Guess what, now they are old enough to know better. It's harder now for me. They are mad that I covered up for him and mad that I have let it go this far, when really I was trying to protect them. It's ok, it is displaced anger and I am educated enough in addiction to realize that. I will get them help for this with a good counselor...and am getting help for me too in counseling and Celebrate Recovery.
I think one thing that also helped me was to read my own posts to other people and realize I have to apply these same thoughts to my own life. Walk the walk so to speak. If I look back at a situation and think you or someone else should get out for their own sanity...shouldn't I be doing the same??
You can only make your own decisions of course. Addicts are pros at manipulation. If he were so concerned about you and your daughter he would not be doing this in the first place. That is just my thoughts about your life and mine too!
Originally Posted by anxiouswife 
Geez - Its so crazy that I feel so completely isolated but all of you have the exact same story. He does say I'm ruining my daughters life by even discussing leaving him. And she does cry when he leaves or when hes "working" which is my go-to excuse of where he is when I'm not really sure.
What a terrible way to live. It's embarrassing. My dad , the man I respect more than anyone in the world, has told me that he hopes I put my head before my heart and get out - since he has shown that changing is not on his agenda. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
Ugh!
What a terrible way to live. It's embarrassing. My dad , the man I respect more than anyone in the world, has told me that he hopes I put my head before my heart and get out - since he has shown that changing is not on his agenda. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
Ugh!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
The decisions can only come from you as everyone's situation is different. I think the most important thing to understand is how addiction works, and to realize early on there is a combination of physical, psychological factors at play. Although it may feel like it - his relapse was not personal towards you, or his family. Addiction gets to a point where the person feels the need for drugs is like the need for air or water, and they cant imagine coping with life and living without the drug. This is why it goes way beyond just a simple choice because due to changes in their brain they cant distinguish this fact is false. Then, denial comes into play along with all the justification and lies to protect.
My husband had a 3 month rehab and has followed it up with therapy. He has not had a relapse and it's been about 20 months; but we were told it could happen and basically just signifies he needs to either re-engage in treatment if he had stopped, or add to his treatment (change it up) find out what went wrong and fix it. It's nothing to be ashamed of and does not represent failure. But he needs to take action ASAP.
I was wondering if the rehab discussed with both of you Relapse Prevention Plans, or Plans in the case of an actual relapse? Our rehab did this, and it makes it easier knowing what steps I need to take to try to break his denial, keep myself and our son healthy, and hopefully get him back into treatment.
My only real suggestion is to not make decisions while you are highly emotional. Unless you or your child are in danger, take time to think it all through, reach out for support through family, friends, professionals, your church, a support group, etc. and then create healthy boundaries.
I was separated from my husband while he was in active addiction; I went forward with that because his behavior was not compatible with the marriage I signed up for. He was staying out late, lying, we would argue, etc. We have been back together since his rehab, and now even though we have a two year old son; asking him to leave falls way down on my list unless I feel my son is suffering by his presence in the home. Although sometimes asking someone to leave will encourage treatment; my husband just dove in deeper because he had a good job, money to spend. It can go either way.
As far as my being upset and that trickling down to my son – that is something that has nothing to do with my husband. It has to do with my coping, my responses to situations (any situation), and how I keep myself centered regardless of what is going on around me.
My husband had a 3 month rehab and has followed it up with therapy. He has not had a relapse and it's been about 20 months; but we were told it could happen and basically just signifies he needs to either re-engage in treatment if he had stopped, or add to his treatment (change it up) find out what went wrong and fix it. It's nothing to be ashamed of and does not represent failure. But he needs to take action ASAP.
I was wondering if the rehab discussed with both of you Relapse Prevention Plans, or Plans in the case of an actual relapse? Our rehab did this, and it makes it easier knowing what steps I need to take to try to break his denial, keep myself and our son healthy, and hopefully get him back into treatment.
My only real suggestion is to not make decisions while you are highly emotional. Unless you or your child are in danger, take time to think it all through, reach out for support through family, friends, professionals, your church, a support group, etc. and then create healthy boundaries.
I was separated from my husband while he was in active addiction; I went forward with that because his behavior was not compatible with the marriage I signed up for. He was staying out late, lying, we would argue, etc. We have been back together since his rehab, and now even though we have a two year old son; asking him to leave falls way down on my list unless I feel my son is suffering by his presence in the home. Although sometimes asking someone to leave will encourage treatment; my husband just dove in deeper because he had a good job, money to spend. It can go either way.
As far as my being upset and that trickling down to my son – that is something that has nothing to do with my husband. It has to do with my coping, my responses to situations (any situation), and how I keep myself centered regardless of what is going on around me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
I keep hearing ppl left because their marriage was not acceptable...I'm not sure an active user is able to maintain such an important relationship? I am looking into separation because he makes our liveschaotic...and makes it nearly impossible to trust him. He will go to the "grocery store" for 2 hours and come home wi th one random thing, he will work an overnight but never get paid overtime brcause "they screwed up". I remember very well the morning he left for rehab, having $100 in my bank account after he spent everything we had, a bouncing toddler and feeling a horrible pit in my stomach...vowing I would never stick around for this again.keep in mind...when I got married he was not in active addiction. Drugs were never discussed, talked about, mentioned...bc I had no idea t here was a history. And one year later he was in so deep our whole lives were unraveling. I feel like ive had the biggest betrayal ever..I was never aware of what I was committing to. Sorry I'd that sounded like a pity party...it kind of was!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by anxiouswife
I keep hearing ppl left because their marriage was not acceptable...I'm not sure an active user is able to maintain such an important relationship? I am looking into separation because he makes our liveschaotic...and makes it nearly impossible to trust him. He will go to the "grocery store" for 2 hours and come home wi th one random thing, he will work an overnight but never get paid overtime brcause "they screwed up". I remember very well the morning he left for rehab, having $100 in my bank account after he spent everything we had, a bouncing toddler and feeling a horrible pit in my stomach...vowing I would never stick around for this again.keep in mind...when I got married he was not in active addiction. Drugs were never discussed, talked about, mentioned...bc I had no idea t here was a history. And one year later he was in so deep our whole lives were unraveling. I feel like ive had the biggest betrayal ever..I was never aware of what I was committing to. Sorry I'd that sounded like a pity party...it kind of was!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: sw, pa
Posts: 81
Question.. how was your life while he was in rehab? Besides missing him? We are basically in the same boat.. my AH drug of choice is heroin. I keep forgetting how calm, happy, relaxed, fun, and normal our lives were while he was away in rehab. With the exception of missing the old him and my oldest (6) missing him.. youngest (3) did but didn't ask much at all.. EVEN they seemed better. Listened better, played more, etc. I need to make some of your same hard decisions. I forget that calm I had while he was gone. Like I was finding myself again.. just wondered if you felt the same? HUgs
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by dane5679
Question.. how was your life while he was in rehab? Besides missing him? We are basically in the same boat.. my AH drug of choice is heroin. I keep forgetting how calm, happy, relaxed, fun, and normal our lives were while he was away in rehab. With the exception of missing the old him and my oldest (6) missing him.. youngest (3) did but didn't ask much at all.. EVEN they seemed better. Listened better, played more, etc. I need to make some of your same hard decisions. I forget that calm I had while he was gone. Like I was finding myself again.. just wondered if you felt the same? HUgs
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
An AH is like having a juvenile delinquent child living with you. I signed up for a partnership...not another child. My H is in recovery and doing the work. I have told him that his recovery is his business. We agreed that if I see addict behavior that I will share my concerns.
Its his choice to do what he needs to do. It my choice to do what I need to do for my peace.
As others have said....seperation doesn't mean you cant go back.
Its his choice to do what he needs to do. It my choice to do what I need to do for my peace.
As others have said....seperation doesn't mean you cant go back.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Everyone has their own limitations.....no one here can tell another person what to do.
Unfortunately, the very definition of addiction is the continued behavior (drug use, gambling, etc.) even when faced with very negative consequences. And family members often hold on and suffer those consequences right along with the addict.
The most important thing we (as loved ones) can do is to take care of ourselves (and our young children) FIRST......whatever that looks like. We don't have to be mean about it. And if the addict determines that the consequences of their addiction are too great and they opt for recovery (via whatever method works for them).....then that's great.
When I left my addicted husband many years ago......I did it out of self preservation for myself and my young son. Personally.....I have no regrets.
gentle hugs
ke
Unfortunately, the very definition of addiction is the continued behavior (drug use, gambling, etc.) even when faced with very negative consequences. And family members often hold on and suffer those consequences right along with the addict.
The most important thing we (as loved ones) can do is to take care of ourselves (and our young children) FIRST......whatever that looks like. We don't have to be mean about it. And if the addict determines that the consequences of their addiction are too great and they opt for recovery (via whatever method works for them).....then that's great.
When I left my addicted husband many years ago......I did it out of self preservation for myself and my young son. Personally.....I have no regrets.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is the best post I have read in a long time. You are able to articulate in words how so many of us feel. Thank you.
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Everyone has their own limitations.....no one here can tell another person what to do.
Unfortunately, the very definition of addiction is the continued behavior (drug use, gambling, etc.) even when faced with very negative consequences. And family members often hold on and suffer those consequences right along with the addict.
The most important thing we (as loved ones) can do is to take care of ourselves (and our young children) FIRST......whatever that looks like. We don't have to be mean about it. And if the addict determines that the consequences of their addiction are too great and they opt for recovery (via whatever method works for them).....then that's great.
When I left my addicted husband many years ago......I did it out of self preservation for myself and my young son. Personally.....I have no regrets.
gentle hugs
ke
Unfortunately, the very definition of addiction is the continued behavior (drug use, gambling, etc.) even when faced with very negative consequences. And family members often hold on and suffer those consequences right along with the addict.
The most important thing we (as loved ones) can do is to take care of ourselves (and our young children) FIRST......whatever that looks like. We don't have to be mean about it. And if the addict determines that the consequences of their addiction are too great and they opt for recovery (via whatever method works for them).....then that's great.
When I left my addicted husband many years ago......I did it out of self preservation for myself and my young son. Personally.....I have no regrets.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by dane5679
Question.. how was your life while he was in rehab? Besides missing him? We are basically in the same boat.. my AH drug of choice is heroin. I keep forgetting how calm, happy, relaxed, fun, and normal our lives were while he was away in rehab. With the exception of missing the old him and my oldest (6) missing him.. youngest (3) did but didn't ask much at all.. EVEN they seemed better. Listened better, played more, etc. I need to make some of your same hard decisions. I forget that calm I had while he was gone. Like I was finding myself again.. just wondered if you felt the same? HUgs
The 2nd part of his stay, the last 2 weeks, were most definitely better. I smiled again, I thoroughly enjoyed the peace and quiet with my baby girl and having so much time to just worry about 2 year old type things like she does...like when are we going to the park? and can I have a snack?
I started sleeping again and feeling at peace with the fact that he was where he needed to be and not destroying our lives anymore while several states away...it got to the point the day before he was coming home I was so worried about it and not nearly as excited as I thought I would be. Of course, that changed when he was sober for a while - it was like our relationship started all over with all the good stuff that goes along with the beginning.
SUCKS to come full circle and feel those horrible feelings again - when you know how good It can be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
Self preservation...
thanks for the perspective. I wake up a little bit stronger and a little less hurt everyday. and more ready to tackle whatever it is I need to do for a little girl that depends on me and myself. I am so grateful for her and for the little pieces of sanity that come to me via this site and my sweet family.
Our friends probably wonder why we've dropped off the face of the earth.. I have such a hard time with that. I feel like it reflects badly on me that I've stayed when many found out the first time and told me I was in for a hard life. Embarrassing almost. Does that make sense? Or sound petty?
thanks for the perspective. I wake up a little bit stronger and a little less hurt everyday. and more ready to tackle whatever it is I need to do for a little girl that depends on me and myself. I am so grateful for her and for the little pieces of sanity that come to me via this site and my sweet family.
Our friends probably wonder why we've dropped off the face of the earth.. I have such a hard time with that. I feel like it reflects badly on me that I've stayed when many found out the first time and told me I was in for a hard life. Embarrassing almost. Does that make sense? Or sound petty?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by anxiouswife
Well when he went to rehab, I was just catching on to everything ---- his lies were overlapping lies and he was basically backed into a corner. he asked for help, his work obliged & he was gone within 12 hours. We just sat in silence and stared at each other after he packed and before he left for the airport. There was literally no time to absorb what had just happened so when he was gone, I'd say the first 2 weeks were a real grieving process. I felt like I was mourning the death of the life I thought I had, and the man I thought I married and had a child with. It was as awful as it sounds - no eating, sleeping...just going through the motions and being as fake as possible so my very inquisitive daughter would think everything was fine.
The 2nd part of his stay, the last 2 weeks, were most definitely better. I smiled again, I thoroughly enjoyed the peace and quiet with my baby girl and having so much time to just worry about 2 year old type things like she does...like when are we going to the park? and can I have a snack?
I started sleeping again and feeling at peace with the fact that he was where he needed to be and not destroying our lives anymore while several states away...it got to the point the day before he was coming home I was so worried about it and not nearly as excited as I thought I would be. Of course, that changed when he was sober for a while - it was like our relationship started all over with all the good stuff that goes along with the beginning.
SUCKS to come full circle and feel those horrible feelings again - when you know how good It can be.
The 2nd part of his stay, the last 2 weeks, were most definitely better. I smiled again, I thoroughly enjoyed the peace and quiet with my baby girl and having so much time to just worry about 2 year old type things like she does...like when are we going to the park? and can I have a snack?
I started sleeping again and feeling at peace with the fact that he was where he needed to be and not destroying our lives anymore while several states away...it got to the point the day before he was coming home I was so worried about it and not nearly as excited as I thought I would be. Of course, that changed when he was sober for a while - it was like our relationship started all over with all the good stuff that goes along with the beginning.
SUCKS to come full circle and feel those horrible feelings again - when you know how good It can be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by anxiouswife
Self preservation...
thanks for the perspective. I wake up a little bit stronger and a little less hurt everyday. and more ready to tackle whatever it is I need to do for a little girl that depends on me and myself. I am so grateful for her and for the little pieces of sanity that come to me via this site and my sweet family.
Our friends probably wonder why we've dropped off the face of the earth.. I have such a hard time with that. I feel like it reflects badly on me that I've stayed when many found out the first time and told me I was in for a hard life. Embarrassing almost. Does that make sense? Or sound petty?
thanks for the perspective. I wake up a little bit stronger and a little less hurt everyday. and more ready to tackle whatever it is I need to do for a little girl that depends on me and myself. I am so grateful for her and for the little pieces of sanity that come to me via this site and my sweet family.
Our friends probably wonder why we've dropped off the face of the earth.. I have such a hard time with that. I feel like it reflects badly on me that I've stayed when many found out the first time and told me I was in for a hard life. Embarrassing almost. Does that make sense? Or sound petty?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
Was feeling better this morning & its kind of settling into the fact that its new years eve. I will go home to my daughter and my husband - my husband that raided the kitchen last night and left everything strewn everywhere and the milk and refrigerated things out on the counter, over night as he was obviously under the influence, trying to beg me to believe him that he wasn't. I'll go home and clean it up & try not to cry. & think about what all my friends without addicted husbands are doing tonight and how relaxing it must be to not have to worry if you do go do something - what a few drinks will cause with the pills hes taking, feeling that burning hot embarrassment and having the argument about him giving me the keys because I don't trust him driving.
Geez.. just typing that makes me realize what the hell I've put up with.
I am looking forward to making 2014 about ME & my girl
Geez.. just typing that makes me realize what the hell I've put up with.
I am looking forward to making 2014 about ME & my girl
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what if just this once you did NOT clean up HIS mess.
what if you just do not engage with him. no fights, no arguments.
what if you make this afternoon, this evening about what you want to do...and do that to the best of your ability. just act as if his crap doesn't matter, doesn't affect you, only makes you stronger in your resolve.
what if you just do not engage with him. no fights, no arguments.
what if you make this afternoon, this evening about what you want to do...and do that to the best of your ability. just act as if his crap doesn't matter, doesn't affect you, only makes you stronger in your resolve.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Okay, so this is where I'm at and I hope it helps you at least a little...mine went to rehab and then left the state. He was acting like a total jerk from rehab, which was the most upsetting part for me. So I saw a lawyer and filed for divorce. I am in another state, alone as in no close friends or family here to support me in person. There were a series of unfortunate events that have happened with death in my family etc. You have to get over the "til death do us part" stuff. Go see a lawyer and see what your options are to protect yourself. My AXH has since been apologizing etc. We are still getting divorced no matter what, but I told him if he's serious about getting forgiveness, he will do every thing he can long term to prove it. It doesn't mean we aren't getting the divorce at all, that is definitely happening, but if he is sorry he will prove it by maintaining sobriety, speaking his feelings etc. and maybe one day he and I will be able to have a friendship again - which we had for years before we were married. My point is, if you leave him - at least separate, and he works on himself long term, you never know where you will end up and what can happen, but you need to live your own life and focus on your own recovery while he is left to work on his. Just because you remove yourself from the situation doesn't mean you are abandoning him, it means you are taking care of yourself and your child. If he's serious, he will make the effort and do the work, if he's not, then you aren't in the situation to relive all the stress and horror an addict can bring.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 36
Everyone has expressed very eloquently all that I'm thinking. I would say that, had I had this to do over again, I would have gotten out before my kids had to experience all that they have. Maybe if I had, there would have been hope for SOME kind of relationship with the elder and her father. She refuses to interact with him save on the most superficial levels. The younger one is a little more willing...but not much. All we can do is more forward and make the best possible choices based on our knowledge of ourselves and our reactions to our addicts, I think.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
You know why I think they deny it? Because they are ashamed of what they are doing and they don't want to lose you. You see through the BS at this point anyway, so you might as well let him know calmly that you see through it and just settle with the fact that he's lying. Once we accept this, we calm down, that's what happened for me anyway. It's acceptance. Only he can change his situation, but you have to change your situation since he isn't changing his.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
You guys are all so awesome. And no cleaning up the mess today. Just going to act like I'm fine. Fake it til u make it? Its a new route for me...I am normally very upfront about anything I feel and it comes out..whether I say it or I'm slamming doors. Seeking counseling in the new year that I scheduled today. Step 1.
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