CourtJester

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Tomorrow will be the first NYE in 18 years that I've been on my own. Tomorrow, my "R"NAH will be kissing someone else at midnight, at an NA event, with his married girlfriend, who he met in the rooms sometime between June and August.

I wish I couldn't feel. I wish I didn't care. I wish that I hadn't taken my promise of "for better or worse" quite so seriously.

I, I, I.

Why wasn't I enough and when will I be able to get off of this roller coaster?

HealingWillCome

You were enough, you are enough.

Their relationship is not a reflection of you. It looks to me like two addicts replacing one high (drugs) with another (each other). Temporary and not truly meaningful. Healthy, recovering addicts don't abuse their spouses by cheating on them.

When we take our vows seriously and are betrayed by the ones we've committed to...well, it's hell. I know it's hard because I've been there. It sucks and it hurts beyond words. But it does get better, I promise.

What are you going to do for yourself, starting right now and continuing into New Year's Eve, that will put your focus on you and your happiness? Please find things to do that help you to shift your thoughts. Be good to yourself.

I'm sorry your're hurting, CJ. Hang in there.

terryr97

I know it won't make you feel better but it's true. That married woman releases the feel good endorphins that drug using used to give him. She could be a new car, a nice pair of shoes or whatever. She is not reality that you are. My ex would hang with anyone when he was using cos I reminded him of reality. Same now that he's in rehab. It hurts but I'm so beaten that I don't care anymore. But it's not you that's lacking, hon. It's him and he knows it so by being with anyone but you, he doesn't have to look at himself. Once again, clean or not, it's just more selfish addict behavior. Is there anywhere you can go tomorrow night? Any friends to hang out with or something going on somewhere? Even if you're miserable, it's better to be miserable with a crowd than alone.

KeepinItReal

I agree with terry. It's better to be miserable with a crowd than alone... and everything else she said.
It's new and different and ANOTHER SELFISH thing he's doing. He's still hurting others around him... and that IS NOT recovery.
With this selfish behavior it doesn't sound like his sobriety will be long-lived. Especially getting romantically involved with someone "new" so early on. It's recommended to not even be involved too much with ANY relationship and to work on ourselves at least for the first year. This is because we need the time to ourselves. We need to work on ourselves ALONE. He's setting himself up for failure.
You don't need to get divorced to go out and have a great life WITHOUT him. You will get there. After the HELL you have lived through you deserve some peace. You DON'T need him and there will be life without him.
Shower, look for some nice clothes, go shopping, get your hair done... anything!!
You will get through this. Don't give yourself another choice!!

terryr97

Are you going to Alanon or naranon? Does one of them have something going on? If you don't go, I'm sure if there's a meeting on Tuesday night, they have something going on. Heck, go to an Aa meeting if that's all there is around you. If you check the websites online for Nara non, Alanon or Aa in your area, I'm sure one of them is having a dance. Trust me, you won't be the only new person there and they have them so no one has to be alone on a holiday. And if you go, they don't mind if you need to talk about what's bothering you. That's the point first and foremost, to help another sick and suffering person. I know it's very hard but do it for you instead of always being concerned about him. Isn't it time you take care of you? And NA, AA, Alanon or Nara non, they're all the same when it comes to getting out of the house and with others. Just don't go where he might be. I go to AA but I also go to Alanon even though my ex is a heroin addict. They use the same principles of focusing on ourselves instead of the other person. Try not to sit at home, though, and being miserable. He's not, why should you? Hoping the best for you.

CourtJester

I'm going to an al-anon meeting tonight. My first. I found one for tomorrow night. And Wednesday. There is a Nar-Anon on Friday. I have sourced the support. I have my kids as well and they are affected by this as well. Christmas eve..."Why is he not with us?" Ultimately, they went to his parents, he went to marathon meetings and I stayed alone. Christmas day..."Why is he leaving us on CHRISTMAS DAY?" My elder child is becoming more vocal about her opinions on how he's doing his life. My younger has become very clingy with me, but that's OK. Supporting my kids is my job.

AnvilheadII

I wish I couldn't feel. I wish I didn't care. I wish that I hadn't taken my promise of "for better or worse" quite so seriously.

but that is ALL of what makes you YOU!
you DO have the capacity to feel.
you DO have the capacity to care.
you DO take your vows, obligations and commitment seriously.
you ARE enough.

good time charlie is the one acting like a teenager, impulsive, rash, still looking for the rush. bailing on his commitments when they no longer suited, believing the world revolves around him.

gothbarbie

I'm going to be alone tm night as well also :/ well sortive. I'll be with my friend & she has no one either. I'm extremely sad & hurt as well as you but it will get better like the ^ above posters have said. My XABF did selfish crap to me also :/ I got myself into a wheel of thought last night & couldn't believe the fact that after how close we got & how he supposedly trusted me, he leaves for rehab & I never hear from him again. I have no clue if he's still in rehab however I do know he got a kitten somehow, maybe in sober living house? I dunno anyways, last night hurt like hell for me to have to start to accept that it's over & he's an addict & in his selfish mind- He comes first. I wish you a Happy New Year & hope you overcome the hurt you are feeling. It will take time but eventually time heals all <3

terryr97

I'm going through the same thing. We meant so much to each other and now I don't believe that one truthful word came out of his face for 5 years. I was used, torn and shredded and tossed to the side so many times. And I'm the one going to college and was happy, joyous and free! Now I'm paranoid and distrustful and angry but I'm going to get better. He got arrested and is in rehab and doesn't need me anymore. After being close to suicide and relapse, I give up. Yes, I'm still angry but I will get over it. And I'd rather be miserable without the chaos than be in the chaos waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I waited 30 years to get back into college just for it all to be crap cos of him and his addiction. I'm in my last semester in a week and I'm going to enjoy it. He can burn for all I care anymore. He's not worrying about me, I'm sure of that. I have to forgive me for holding on so long. Time does take time tho. If I can do it, anyone can, trust me. It was so painful in the beginning. Now I give up. I couldn't save him. I lost. Oh well.

CourtJester

Terryr97...It sounds to me like HE lost.

glitterdeva

I agree with others. He is going from one high to another, that is NOT recovery. Everything that you do always, and I mean ALWAYS comes back to you double. You did your part, let the cards fall how they fall. Honestly, two married addicts cheating on their significant others while in recovery does not equal a happy ending. Do something for yourself on NY - hair, makeup, nails, new outfit, anything. Hugs and prayers.

gothbarbie

Thanks for your story Terry, it def made me feel a little better. I always love coming here to SR when I'm having a tough day dealing. I'm starting to realize that mine doesn't care anymore either, so why the hell should I?! I need to continue to work on MY self happiness & peace, something I couldn't obtain with him simply due to the anxiety of waiting for the shoe to drop at any time & be dumped AGAIN. Good riddance~