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A little lost...

Old 12-29-2013, 08:49 PM
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jot
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A little lost...

My AGF - who got an addiction therapist over the summer (I sought her out after some episodes), and has become heavily involved in AA, especially since November moved out recently. She recently quit some medication, and is trying to ween herself off suboxone, and hasn't drank.

We got in an argument about 10 days before xmas (long story), resulting in her leaving. The peak of it was the next day when I tried to talk to her about things, she said she was going to a meeting and "not talking about it" with me, I got frustrated, grabbed her purse and phone (off the floor), and starting to take a sim card out (I felt like she was hiding stuff). She felt threatened by my act of power. I gave it back to her like 30 seconds later and felt really bad about the whole ordeal... She left and didn't come back, but knew she was working through it with her therapist, parents, and AA group. Four days later I found out she had scheduled movers for Christmas Eve (guess her parents got her an apartment); she is nearby, but don't know where.


On Christmas eve, I got two messages - one from her therapist, saying that we could have a session together on Jan 7th for "clarification" (a request I had made a couple days after she left and didn't know what was going on or if she was coming back). The other was a text from my AGF, she just said she had moved everything out, and asked for "no contact" until the session with her therapist, and said that "[the therapist] asked her to write that" as she did with much of the communication that we had had (which was minimal - I told her I loved her and wanted to resolve things, but she wouldn't respond to any of that).


I just emailed her therapist today, and said that I would attend on Jan 7, and that I would be doing so because I hope to work things out. I do love her very much.

Then I came back home from my hometown after the holiday. And all of her stuff is gone, no couch, other furniture of hers gone... Since all of this happened, I've had no word of her intentions, no "I love you", no "we can't be together", nothing but she moved out and no contact... And I'm lost.

I just feel like if I need to get over her, then it would be best to stay no contact, and not meet with her... If I do go to the session, and things remain the same, I just feel like I'm torturing myself.

Anyway, I'm planning on getting to my first AlAnon meeting this week. Partly because we moved to a new city together, and while she grew a social network in AA, I let myself become isolated with only her and my job -- I have a couple of friends around here, but they're big social drinkers and not sure I want to be so much in that scene right now.
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:18 PM
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I think you should respect her choice of no contact. It's not easy for her too I think. But it sounds like she is really seriously about her recovery. If you love her, let her do it on her own and this is the way she wants too.

I wish my ABF will have such a strong will, but I know he has not hit his rock bottom, so he won't. We talked briefly couple days ago after a week of no contact (I just cut all the connection without letting him know, because I need some peace and I was in a lot of pains. Pains that was so strong I never experience before). He asked if I wanted to improve the relationship or make it get worse. I did not answer. I need time. But he went out and bought his friends booze and drugs last night. I was disappointed.

However this month, I finally started to learn to slow down. I do not have to response all the crisis immediately especially things I do not have control. I did not go crazy and cry when I know he is drinking and using.

I don't know what will happens to me or us. But NOW, I need time & peace. I know I need at least couple months or longer of no contact. If I want to spend my life with him, few months or a year is not that long to see if he will change his action and be responsible as the man I want to live with. I believe time will tell and guide me to the right direction now.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:30 AM
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I think her actions speak for themselves here, she moved out and wants no contact – that’s a pretty clear message of it’s over.

The fact she is willing to talk to you with her therapist present shows she fears doing that alone with you.

I’m glad you are looking into attending al-anon, it will help with your control issues and help you understand that YOU can’t get her clean and sober, that is not your job and never was. Yes YOU got her the addiction therapist but the rest is all up to her.

Endings are hard, she is facing a life long battle and a relationship with you or anyone right now may be too much for her.

If you love her - let her be free to do what she needs to do. Respect what she is asking of you with the no contact.

I’m sure you will get closure at the meeting with the therapist.
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Old 12-30-2013, 09:07 AM
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She is doing what she needs to do for herself right now, so that has to be respected. Hope you still go to your appointment but for yourself and not for expectations that she/he is going to tell you how to get back with GF or give you info on GF...that would be very unprofessional.
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Old 12-30-2013, 09:26 AM
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When I got sober it was easier to be on my own (with my kids). I kicked my addicted BF out and focused on me. Meaning, I was at peace. I didn't have to answer to anyone. The time on my own was the best thing I could have done for myself. EVER. Respect her choices. If it's meant to be it will be.
Maybe therapy for yourself? That may be the best choice. Hope you get some closure... answers in the therapy session.
You may regret not going a few months down the line.
Good luck.
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:27 AM
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count your blessings that she made a clean break and didn't drag things out OR string you along. i think you are on to something that this counseling session might not be in YOUR best interests, esp if you think/hope to get back together. if it were me, which it's not, i'd skip it and just keep moving on. she wants no contact. do that...for her AND for you.

the bit about grabbing her purse and trying to take her sim card out of the phone...have you done stuff like that before? trying to control her actions or invade her privacy? just askin' cuz you might want to reflect on that - we can only change how WE act and react.

really glad to see you are planning on trying out Alanon meetings. make sure to try a few different ones as each group has it's own "flavor."
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Old 12-30-2013, 04:42 PM
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jot
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First of all, I have completely respected everything she's communicated to me since she left, including no contact, and have not made any efforts to interfere in the process (when she said she was moving out, I offered to help her move if she wanted it, or to not be here if she preferred that).

Also, I don't think that she necessarily does not want this relationship (we are still "in a relationship" on Facebook, her parents who talk to her almost every day told me she just needed space and not to give up on her, she was communicating casually with my family and best friends until the day she asked for no contact - and just about everything of what she's done is always communicated as "at the advice of [her therapist]").


Yes the whole thing with her purse/phone was out of line, and I admit it, and no that hadn't happened before. It all started completely innocent the night before, and just became what it was.

My reactions are what they were. Her refusal to not be open about some things, IMO, were also out-of-line, at least for the type of relationship I want, and I should have communicated earlier on that I cannot be in a serious/committed relationship (well especially with a live-in girlfriend), that doesn't embrace a certain level of sharing/openness. But we moved in together way too soon. At the time, when we got an apartment together, it was the only way we could be together, and I just wanted to see where we'd get - so we didn't have time to develop some of the openness I was looking for.

What I had communicated to both her and her therapist the night she left was that while I may have been out of line, I didn't see how the relationship could possibly work without her being a little bit more open with me. The only way in which I felt I could build my trust back in her (after some of it was damaged over the summer) was if she committed a bit more to sharing and including me more in the parts of her life she was developing (new AA friends, etc).

I believe that she has given her own decision-making power over to her therapist and AA support group. So I believe that everything that has happened since she left is a result of that... The bummer about all of this, is that I'm put into a little codependent caricature box by these voices, and over the past several weeks my GF had begun saying things like, "[My therapist] says I shouldn't talk to you about XXX because then you'll just obsess over YYY, or try to control me by doing ZZZ".


As of now, I'm planning to go to the session, but I still doubt whether breaking no contact after two weeks is in my best interest if I do in fact need to just move on... I don't know, guess we'll see.
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Old 12-30-2013, 05:01 PM
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jot
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Also, just to clarify, I didn't begin to take her SIM card out of her phone to control her actions, but the whole thing between us had to do with her being a bit shady with things on her phone (again long story), and I was ready to just copy it to my phone or computer if possible... Not that it makes it any more excusable, just that it was more about snooping (and what I feel were valid suspicions) than it was about control... And it was a reaction, one that I changed my mind about very very quickly once I realized what I was doing and how it made her feel.
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