saying goodbye and letting go
 

I heard from my ex a couple of days ago. I've been away for two and a half months, trying to find myself again basically and move forward, trying to refocus and remember what's important to me and my life. And of course, right on cue, the day before I came home, he emailed me. He'd been sober for a week he said and felt so badly about everything that happened between us. I was angry, I won't lie. In some ways it felt good to read his regrets, because he really hurt me (and I let him) and did many things that were disrespectful, manipulative, mean spirited (and again, I let him get away with these things). After a crazy 12 hours where we emailed back and forth and I nearly broke down to call him to get him to come get me at the airport (I did not), I realized that his apology was more about him than it was about me. He didn't want to actually apologize in person, because then I would "get to just walk away", and that wasn't ok for him. In the end, I told him that I had to let him go, that I loved him, but that I have to let him go.
I realized that, regardless of his treatment of me and our relationship; no matter his "stuff", I didn't like who I was while I was with him. I hated who I was, actually - because I was the girl who swallowed pain, turned the other cheek so many times I had blurred vision, forced myself to believe all of his little lies, and continually blamed myself and my "emotional" ways for causing his disrespectful treatment. I made myself so small, just so that I could stay with him. And I never, ever want to be that girl again, not for myself and not for a partner.

My heart is breaking all over again. I wish I could take a pill to magically forget all of the craziness that we went through together, so that I could be with him again.
Thanks for listening.

I can relate :( When my AH went to jail for 2 years, he had to become sober. Oh, he was so regretful, all of the horrible things he did to me, all came back. He wrote letters and was so sorry. When he got out, 3 days later he was using again and the crazy train took off in its usual direction.

One week of sobriety is nothing. Sorry :( If it was one year of sobriety and he wrote you that would mean he thought about it, analyzed and REALIZED what he did. When you are coming off stuff, you become super emotional. Right now he is riding on his emotions, up, down, down, up. Good for you for holding up and standing your ground. You deserve to be happy

Im so sorry you are in pain tonight. I know those text conversations had to be painful reminders, opening up the door to a flood of emotions. But I think your time spent these months getting to know yourself has given you some really good insight. Its not about them, and any of their stuff. It truly is about us. Knowing who we are, liking ourselves, and staying true to our core self.

I went through a lot with my husband when he was addicted; we were separated for a good chunk of time. I made more mistakes when I was on my own and it was easy to blame him because of course all would have been fine in my life if he had never done this, or that.... but I learned I had to take responsibility for what I allowed into my life, and if I didn't like myself, or things I was doing then I had the ability to change, and that is what I set out to do.

That realization was the beginning of my healing from the past, forgiving myself and him , & moving on towards positive things in my life. I hope many good things come your way in the New Year. Keep moving forward & making healthy choices for you; it wont always hurt so much :)

Thank you for sharing with us. I think your post has great insight & a wonderful message for all of us to remember especially as we approach the New Year.

You were away from him for 2 ½ months moving forward.

He emailed you with (the hope you’ve been wishing for) 1 week sober, what about those other 9 weeks you were gone? He should be 2 ½ months sober by now if there were truly any hope for the two of you.

Your exchanging emails/texts with him was like picking at a scab on a womb that was healing so it’s going to hurt for a bit.

I am so very proud of you for the recovery you have done for yourself and that you realized he/the relationship was not the right one for you. Very strong what you did, it took a lot of courage!!

((hugs))

^ I'm very proud of you also! I only wish I had that same strength in me right now. I've been away 4 months now & it's been extremely hard. I have though for the first time not contacted my AXBF since the split. He went to rehab & promised to keep in touch but never did, just like every other time we broke up, I always contacted him first & we;d reconcile somewhat & it was always on his terms but I can proudly state that the tables have turned & I refuse to try & go back to someone that didn't love me back the way i deserved. I believe though that I haven't heard the last of him just yet, I'm sure I'll get an email similar to yours in time. Hopefully I will be much stronger than I am now & I'll be able to walk away just like you. I admire you for such strength :)

Hi cazer,
Thank you for posting. I would also question the depth and truth of that apology. It sounds like quacking to me.

And I would know. I am in a tough spot, too. I've been apart from my ABF for almost 6 months, and today he tells me he went to detox over the weekend (the first admission of how serious his problem is) and that he wants a future together.

I have gotten stronger and have been feeling better with the break we've had, and was horrified how quickly I slipped back into the magical thinking.

I didn't promise anything, just told him I loved him and wished him well. I figure time will tell if he's on the road to real recovery, or not. And meanwhile, I am safe, and focusing on myself, and just trying to be ok.

Wanted you to know you have another friend out here...
Spider